He can't let go of his past (or am I just paranoid)?

[kookyspooky96]

Sorry, this is SO long and SO convoluted. Certainly not a post for the faint of heart, but thanks in advance for reading:

 

We met at uni 2 years ago. He had a girlfriend (his first) for only a month, when she announced that in 3 weeks, she would leave the country for five years to finish her degree. They decided to stay together until it was time for her to leave.

 

Of course, I didn't know any of this when he caught my eye. I was young and had never slept with a man. He loved the attention, and the attraction was mutual, so he decided to date my even though he already had a girlfriend. We went out to the movies, had dinners and made out in his car a few times. I had no idea that she was in the background the whole time. The first night we hung out, we spent 3 hours in his car. He went on and on about his past: Deaths that happened in his family when he was a teenager, issues he had with his stepmother and her daughters. Just nonstop complaining. I felt so connected to him though. I absorbed it all like a sponge and only wanted to make him happy. He truly bewitched me.

 

Fast forward 2 months later. His ex is in another country and he's clearly hung up on her. He lied to me about her at first, and how close they were. Slowly the truth trickled out: she was #1 on his snapchat, he stalked her on facebook, compared me to her, brought her up a lot, etc.

 

To make things worse, his friends didnt like me because they were friends with his ex, and resented him for telling them not to bring her up to me. Ever. Because of this, they were very cold to me and excluded me from everything.

 

Inevitably, he broke up with me and stopped answering my texts. Fast forward 5 months. I was heartbroken, but I moved on. I'm about to graduate and all of the sudden he's obsessed with me in a way he never was when we were together. Texts, calls, Facebook friend request and messages. Over the phone, he makes his intentions clear: "I've thought about you a lot since we ended. I was too caught up in my past to appreciate you...I did you a lot of wrong and I'm sorry. I never told you that the girl I was with at the time was STILL my girlfriend when we started dating. I used you to get over her and didn't want to sleep with you because you were a virgin. I lied to your face so many times, and if I could go back and change it I would. You're the only girl I want to be with....though there is a girl in another country, not my ex, that I would marry if I could."

 

Naturally, I told him to get lost. Two weeks later, I got into a massive car accident and almost died. It took me a month to recover. I saw him around campus and still felt connected somehow.

 

Fast forward another 6 months. He graduated a little earlier than me and went to grad school four hours away. He reached out to me and we began to talk, long distance, just as friends. We had amazing conversations and a bond developed. I thought we could be just friends but one night he came to town and said he wanted more. So did I.

 

Months passed. He visited whenever he could. It was the most romantic time in my life. It seemed like he was totally focused on me. He was my brightest flame, and finally he was mine. But then odd things started happened. One time, we were in bed and I was on the phone with my mom. I caught him looking at his first girlfriend's snapchat videos while he thought I wasn't looking. Right there in bed next to me.

 

Then one night we had sex and I started bleeding for no reason. I had to go to the hospital. The nurses put me in a seperate waiting room. He texted and said he would wait for me. A half hour later, I was still sitting there, slowly trickling blood. I was so hungry. I went to a vending machine and then tried to find him. He wasn't at his seat. I texted and he said he was outside. I found this odd, but walked around the building anyway. There he was, just sitting there on a bench, arms spread across its back. He said he was waiting for his friend to come get him. "You said you would stay." Fear filled my body.

 

"If you want me to, I will." Angrily, I replied, "Do what you were going to do." and walked away. 6 agonizing hours in the hospital would follow with no diagnosis. It wasn't my period, by the way. He was at a friend's house the whole time.

 

The next day, he begged for another chance. He said that he felt lost waiting for me at the hospital and didn't know what to do, so he left. He begged and pleaded. I gave in. He's remorseful about it to this day.

 

A month later we started to have problems and fights. Mainly because I couldn't get over him abandoning me at the hospital. I ended it, and a week later he sent me an extremely long email explaining his whole life and why he did what he did, and also confessing to talking to his ex in a platonic way, and to that other girl he would marry if he could over whatsapp and facebook. He said he would break contact with all of them and focus solely on me, because he loved me and wanted to treat me right.

 

2 months later, we reunited and he moved back to town. We spent a lot of time together. He helped me take care of my dying cat and stayed with me through a string of emotional meltdowns (my family was in a bad state at this time). I got a full time job and we started to feel stressed and disconnected from each other.

 

Then the past came up again. He was showing me something on his Facebook (which I don't have). A girl's name popped up in his search bar. I just had this gut feeling that it was no good. He noticed my mood change and said "It's because of the name, isn't it?" He explained it was the girl he wanted to marry 2 years ago. I didn't know much else about her, but at this point I demanded details, and wanted to know why he still kept in touch though he said months ago he would stop. He said he DID stop talking to her, but still thinks of her once in a rare while.

 

2 years ago, they had five dates a month after he broke up with me. He had admired her from afar for a couple years. They didn't sleep together, but there was a connection. The day before she left the country, he told her he wanted to marry her. She said she felt the same way. Then she left. They stayed in touch over whatsapp for a while, but he claimed it was nothing more than catch up stuff.

 

Then he said, "You're going to break up with me for saying this, but if she hadn't left, I would have been with her."

 

I said "Wow. After everything we've been through and shared. Did you ever think of me while you were with her?" He said no.

 

Then we broke up. He kept trying to come back, saying that she was the past and that it wasn't a big deal. That he loved me and didn't want to be with anyone else.

 

He confessed to messaging her on facebook 20 minutes after we broke up. She said she didn't have time to talk. He only admitted to this because for the first time ever, I demanded he open up his Facebook and show me their conversation history.

 

He desperately wants to work it out, and admits to having a hard time letting go of people because of all the death he saw early on. I empathize with him, and see a lot of kindness in him. He's not cold, like he was 2 years ago. He's helped me through a lot and he's an amazing listener.

 

But yet...I can't help but feel trapped in a relationship that seems like it will always be stunted by the past. Please help me out. He wants to put it all to bed. I would greatly appreciate an honest perspective on all of this drama.

[DancingFool]

"I've thought about you a lot since we ended. I was too caught up in my past to appreciate you...I did you a lot of wrong and I'm sorry. I never told you that the girl I was with at the time was STILL my girlfriend when we started dating. I lied to your face so many times, and if I could go back and change it I would. You're the only girl I want to be with....though there is a girl in another country, not my ex, that I would marry if I could."

 

So basically what he said is, "Hi I am a total d-bag, a cheater and a giant liar, but you are the only girl for me....well....kind of....well...there really is someone else I like better....." ......aaaaannnndddd you accepted this and what is your question now? You are surprised that this d bag is being exactly who he is? A total and complete d bag who loves messing about with different women. I mean if you love this drama, carry on. If you actually want a healthy relationship, dump him with extreme prejudice and then seriously examine why on earth you accepted this bs AFTER he told you to your face that he is a lying cheating dbag and there are other women in his stable that you'll be in rotation with......smh......

[Jibralta]

You're not paranoid. But if you stick with this guy, you'll be a fool. He's a loser who is very good at feeling sorry for himself and getting you to buy into it. People have had WAY worse pasts than this guy are decent people. YOU are the one who needs to let go of his past. It's not an excuse for his behavior.

[catfeeder]

Advice from grandma: "The problem is not that snakes will cross your path, they will. The problem comes when you're bored or lonely or naive enough to pick up the snake to play with it."

 

The guy told you outright that he is a snake. You get to decide whether to keep playing with him.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry but he used you to line someone up while his gf was away. He also played the sympathy card which is often a tool in the players tool bag. Go no contact with this guy and block him. He may try to text you when he comes up for air while making out in the car with someone else.