Need some advice, Don't know whether to move on or not yet.

[Vesko97]

Hi everybody, this has been killing me for the past few weeks and I have been pretty closed off to friends about the whole thing because I don't exactly have someone close enough I want to share this with, so I figured anonymous was better

 

Here's the context. My girlfriend and I broke up after 3 and a half years of being together. There were rocky parts to the relationship, but it was a strong relationship, I loved her and she loved me. 3 weeks ago we discussed our future together. We were both going off to different colleges and she didn't think we would work out at the distance. I for some reason said maybe she was right and we both decided that it would probably be best if we broke up. I said in order to heal we should really distance ourselves from each other for a week, then meet up and talk because the day that we broke up was a really good day for us but at the end of the night, it was like a 30 minute talk and we broke up. So kinda sudden.

 

We met back up the following Saturday and we talked. We both discussed how we loved each other. We kissed and got somewhat physical (no sex) with each other. We didn't get back together because I thought that after having that last day with her, I would be able to move on. Problem is, the whole next 2 weeks I missed her more and more. I didn't want to try to let her go because I cared for her so much. I kept a journal and wrote in it. after 2 weeks of almost no contact with her we decided to meet up again and talk. This was where I was going to open up and tell her that I love her, and that I am still not over her. I told her and she said that she still cared about me. I told her that I would be willing to go to the school she was going to despite how expensive it was annually because I cared for her. I asked her if she foresaw us getting back together and she said "maybe, but it would be after college". That absolutely crushed me, I am not that great at reading in between the lines but what happens next throws me off. After she said that, she saw that I was destroyed and she kisses me. I decide to kiss her back because oh man do I love this girl to death. We didn't get as physical but we did kiss for a bit. She had to go soon after because of class so I decide to give her my 2 week journal. Probably not my best decision because I wrote in there when I was at my lowest depression. She stopped by my house after class to pick up the food she left from lunch time and we talked some more. I told her I was free over the weekend and she said she wanted to hang out.

 

Later that night she asks me to register for her classes because it begins at 8:00 and she has a test at the same time. I do it because its the right thing to do. But what happens next completely throws me off. After she got out of her class she called me and asked how everything went, but then she asks me if we would share any classes. (I am an accounting major and she is a speech pathology major, the only classes that we would share are very minimal like art or history) She knew it probably wouldn't line up but she asked anyways. Coincidentally, 1 of my classes worked out with her and as I was discussing a few more questions she rearranged her schedule so that we could share both potential classes. So now we have 2 classes next semester after she encouraged me to share them with her.

 

That's as far as it has gone so far. I just wanted to say that I really love this girl and that's what is making this so hard. Now that we share classes next semester I don't want to make anything awkward but I also want this girl back in my life. She was pretty clear about not thinking we would get back together but she said "at this moment, I don't see it happening". And with all the mixed messages she was sending me, I don't know if she is lonely, or using me, or still really cares about me. My question really is this, do I move on or do I hold onto the idea of being with her. (oh god not desperate, I definitely feel awful all the time but I am not over texting her or cyber stalking or anything like that, I understand not being a creep about a break up) A coworker recommended the idea of act like you've moved on, it would get her back. I don't know if thats the best idea but idk. I want to hear other people's input.

 

Addition information:

We dated for 3 1/2 years.

I am 19 and she is 20

I was her first boyfriend

She was not my first girlfriend so I have experienced this before so I understand moving on but know why I don't want to this time.

We are finishing up our first semester of Sophomore year in college. At a Jr. College.

The school she wants to go to is 56k a year ( which was why I was resistant)

I don't really have a dream school, all I wanted was affordable but also offers a good accounting program.

[StarfoxGod]

Hi everybody, this has been killing me for the past few weeks and I have been pretty closed off to friends about the whole thing because I don't exactly have someone close enough I want to share this with, so I figured anonymous was better

 

Here's the context. My girlfriend and I broke up after 3 and a half years of being together. There were rocky parts to the relationship, but it was a strong relationship, I loved her and she loved me. 3 weeks ago we discussed our future together. We were both going off to different colleges and she didn't think we would work out at the distance. I for some reason said maybe she was right and we both decided that it would probably be best if we broke up. I said in order to heal we should really distance ourselves from each other for a week, then meet up and talk because the day that we broke up was a really good day for us but at the end of the night, it was like a 30 minute talk and we broke up. So kinda sudden.

 

We met back up the following Saturday and we talked. We both discussed how we loved each other. We kissed and got somewhat physical (no sex) with each other. We didn't get back together because I thought that after having that last day with her, I would be able to move on. Problem is, the whole next 2 weeks I missed her more and more. I didn't want to try to let her go because I cared for her so much. I kept a journal and wrote in it. after 2 weeks of almost no contact with her we decided to meet up again and talk. This was where I was going to open up and tell her that I love her, and that I am still not over her. I told her and she said that she still cared about me. I told her that I would be willing to go to the school she was going to despite how expensive it was annually because I cared for her. I asked her if she foresaw us getting back together and she said "maybe, but it would be after college". That absolutely crushed me, I am not that great at reading in between the lines but what happens next throws me off. After she said that, she saw that I was destroyed and she kisses me. I decide to kiss her back because oh man do I love this girl to death. We didn't get as physical but we did kiss for a bit. She had to go soon after because of class so I decide to give her my 2 week journal. Probably not my best decision because I wrote in there when I was at my lowest depression. She stopped by my house after class to pick up the food she left from lunch time and we talked some more. I told her I was free over the weekend and she said she wanted to hang out.

 

Later that night she asks me to register for her classes because it begins at 8:00 and she has a test at the same time. I do it because its the right thing to do. But what happens next completely throws me off. After she got out of her class she called me and asked how everything went, but then she asks me if we would share any classes. (I am an accounting major and she is a speech pathology major, the only classes that we would share are very minimal like art or history) She knew it probably wouldn't line up but she asked anyways. Coincidentally, 1 of my classes worked out with her and as I was discussing a few more questions she rearranged her schedule so that we could share both potential classes. So now we have 2 classes next semester after she encouraged me to share them with her.

 

That's as far as it has gone so far. I just wanted to say that I really love this girl and that's what is making this so hard. Now that we share classes next semester I don't want to make anything awkward but I also want this girl back in my life. She was pretty clear about not thinking we would get back together but she said "at this moment, I don't see it happening". And with all the mixed messages she was sending me, I don't know if she is lonely, or using me, or still really cares about me. My question really is this, do I move on or do I hold onto the idea of being with her. (oh god not desperate, I definitely feel awful all the time but I am not over texting her or cyber stalking or anything like that, I understand not being a creep about a break up) A coworker recommended the idea of act like you've moved on, it would get her back. I don't know if thats the best idea but idk. I want to hear other people's input.

 

Addition information:

We dated for 3 1/2 years.

I am 19 and she is 20

I was her first boyfriend

She was not my first girlfriend so I have experienced this before so I understand moving on but know why I don't want to this time.

We are finishing up our first semester of Sophomore year in college. At a Jr. College.

The school she wants to go to is 56k a year ( which was why I was resistant)

I don't really have a dream school, all I wanted was affordable but also offers a good accounting program.

 

Bro you are fine, don't overthink things. You both were unsure of the future but decided to make things work and now things will. Enjoy your schooling with her and most importantly if you love her... you should know the rest. People really got serious problems lol I would love to trade situations lol but seriously you hold on to her and treat each other with love and respect. You also have the perfect study partner my man!

[Vesko97]

Thank you. I'm just so unsure of the path I should take. I have a great study partner and I don't want to ruin it. That's one of my biggest concerns is making the next semester uncomfortable for us.

[Vesko97]

Thank you for the advice. I'm going to try and start that idea I just didn't know how to look like I moved on without moving on. I'm not a good faker. So thank you. I'll look into that advice.

[MissCanuck]

The big red flag here is this: she initially said she wanted to break up because she didn't feel it would work out long-distance.

 

But now it sounds like it distance won't be a factor because you will be attending the same college. Is that correct?

 

If so, and she is still this hesitant, then distance isn't the only reason she wanted to end it. She also told you that maybe you two could get back together, after college, even if you went to the same school.

 

I think the reality is that she is too young to commit to one person and doesn't want to be tied down during those prime college years. She hasn't had any other experience but you, and you really haven't either if you've been together since you were only 16. My guess is that she wants to be single and have fun, date some different guys. So while you are there hoping she comes back to you, she might be out mingling and dating. She could be trying to keep you around for now, without making any promises to you.

 

Tread cautiously, OP. Take some real distance here. You won't be able to fake moving on. She knows you too well. But do whatever you need to detach. The information you are currently working with is that you are no longer a couple, and she doesn't know if she sees you in the future. Act accordingly.

[Andrina]

I wouldn't go to the higher paying college. You're no longer a couple and she doesn't care enough about you to do everything in her power to keep an exclusive relationship going. Think about how you will feel when you graduate with a huge student loan and she is no longer in your life. Don't make sacrifices and leap over an ocean for someone who won't even jump over a puddle for you.

[kbbcoop77]

Dude she's putting you in the friend zone. She's made it clear she doesn't want you as an exclusive romantic partner she wants to see what else the world has to offer. Sure she likes to hang out as friends because it was her decision to breakup so she's not emotionally damaged and posting on online advice sites. Your best move is remove yourself from all her classes and move on without her if you want to get over her..

[Vesko97]

I wouldn't go to the higher paying college. You're no longer a couple and she doesn't care enough about you to do everything in her power to keep an exclusive relationship going. Think about how you will feel when you graduate with a huge student loan and she is no longer in your life. Don't make sacrifices and leap over an ocean for someone who won't even jump over a puddle for you.

 

I won't go to the college unless we get back together because you're right. It wouldn't be smart to do that for an ex. And it's not that she's not willing to do things for me, this was her dream school and all, and she decided to stay in town at the JC for 2 years. She is willing to commit but I also made the mistake of agreeing with her on the break up when I could have easily said not to do it.

 

You make a good point at wanting to keep an exclusive relationship. And I honestly don't know what to think about the whole ordeal. She is sending a lot of mixed messages.

The reason I'm so torn about this is because I don't have family that would comfort me the way normal humans comfort. And my friends would have to get the whole briefing I did on her but am too embarrassed to show them. Her family is supportive she I know that at least she isn't alone which is great for her but I'm not having any luck with sorting it all out.

 

She's not the type that goes out and flirts with a bunch of guys, so the idea of going out as having fun with other guys really isn't the case.

 

What I really want to is help on understanding those signals she is giving me. They are out of character for her which is hard to describe because I got really good at understanding most about her but that's why I'm so thrown off. I keep getting signals that are different from the last 3 and a half years of getting to know her.

[kbbcoop77]

""She is willing to commit but I also made the mistake of agreeing with her on the break up when I could have easily said not to do it.""

 

Huh??! It only takes one to breakup. You saying she broke up but if you didn't agree you'd still be together?

[MissCanuck]

OP, she isn't willing to commit if she ended your relationship. Not any longer, anyway. I don't think it would have mattered if you'd agreed to the break-up for not. She still initiated it.

 

People change a lot in their teens and twenties. These confusing signals you're seeing from her now could be part of that.

 

Why not just ask her what she is thinking? Ask her why she wants you in her classes if she also thinks you two won't be together. She is the only person who can really answer that question.

 

Also, nobody wants to imagine their ex out dating again. But if you two are broken up, sooner or later it will happen. Why wouldn't it? It might not be her primary reason for ending it, and it might not happen for a while, but it's also not realistic to expect she won't be meeting other guys. She's in college; of course she will. There is a reason she told you she didn't think you two could be together until after graduation, despite you being in the vicinity. Ask yourself why that really is, even if it hurts to consider.