My Partner does'nt know what she wants...

[anewhope]

I'm so confused as my partner has said she does'nt know want she wants and talked about a potential split. To give some background we have been together for 7 years, sure the relationship has had its up's and downs and stress such as; House renovations, Bereavement of family, Redundancy but generally its been strong and we have supported each other and stuck together, we have lived together for the majority of this time.

 

I have always felt she was the one for me and we have talked about marriage and kids, we own a home together. However as everyone is having kids around us, people keep asking "so when are you guys getting married/having kids?". I guess this has got her thinking and wondering whether she actually wants to marry me. Cold feet!

 

We have talked things through and she says she feels 'disconnected' from the relationship, I personally think there are a few reasons 1) Due to promotion she now travels a lot in her job and is away quite a bit, this has made me feel lonely. 2) I was made redundant and lost a lot of confidence due to this. So I guess the roles have kinda been reversed, a power shift - she has gone up in the world where I feel like I have gone down. I need to regain my confidence, although she also says I have done some great personal development on myself this year and I am now a good version of myself.

 

Anyway I hope this was just a blip and that we just need to re align ourselves and re-connect, however as we are both in our late 30's, she says if we are to split then nows the time. She has also had a tough upbringing and saw a lot of abuse from her father towards her Mother so wants to make sure the man she marries is the right one. I have treated her really nice, sure we argue like any couple but I treat her well, buy her flowers, make her breakfast in bed etc... I think an issue is that she keeps thinking back to the past; When I was depressed due to grieving I was a bit off at times, she actually looked into my emails at that time and found all of my private 'Enotalone' messages which were my private thoughts, I was angry and grieving at the time and wrote things about our relationship but after she read them just can't seem to get it out of her head. I have told her I am sorry and explained my grieving process but she keeps thinking back to the past and back to her family history.

 

I think she is in two minds, part of her thinks things won't improve (I know they can, relationships take work) and in another breath she starts talking about which new wallpaper she would like in our bedroom. uh?! I love her very dearly and would marry her tomorrow but I feel very devastated and confused right now and not sure what to think. She is going to a councillor to talk things through but until then it kind of feels like I'm waiting on the sidelines for a decision. I would really like to work at it together and improve our relationship. Any Advice would be great, Thank You.

[Wiseman2]

Do either of you want to marry or have kids? What's the holdup after 7 yrs? Since you can't keep her down it's up to you to find work and reestablish yourself.

 

What does she see as "needed improvements"? Does she want to end things? Move out? Get married/have kids?

7 years. we have lived together for the majority of this time. everyone is having kids around us, people keep asking "so when are you guys getting married/having kids?". I guess this has got her thinking and wondering whether she actually wants to marry me. I guess the roles have kinda been reversed, a power shift - she has gone up in the world where I feel like I have gone down.

[pinkprincess]

Are you currently working? If not i would suggest the times that you feel down and lonely that you concentrate on finding a job as that enables you to occupy yourself when she is away. If you have yet to find work as well i know it can be difficult then focus the time she is away on improving your skills and looking for work. Especially when you have a lot of free time your mind tends to dwell on negatives and that does not help with your mood or confidence and maybe she can see parts of that. Fill your days even with menial tasks so that you have less time to dwell on your loneliness, the more you sit and dwell on it the harder it is to break the cycle and be the person she previously knew.

The times when she is back and you are both free plan dates, days out and fun things to do together and use it as quality time.

Often when a relationship has gone on for some time people get stuck in a rut and forget that even the simplest things done as a couple can bring fun and enjoyment back into the relationship.