Confused heart and mind... Emotional help is needed....

[ConfusedGirl00]

Hi, im in desperate need for some emotional help... ive put myself in a horrible situation and its slowly killing me now..

 

I was in a 2 years long relationship with a guy from a different religion.. A thing that made us keep it a secret. As our family and friends would had gone against us. We started living together from the first month of our relationship because I was studying in his country and it was easier for us to stay together.. He treated me like a princess and we had an amazing time, we went to trips and we were having a lot of fun... but eventually it started feeling as we were a married couple... Our sex life was horrible from the beginning.. I dont know if this was cos I didnt feel that attracted to him or because deep inside me i knew that this relationship didnt have any future and made me stressed. A good point to give is that as it was a secret relationship we had to hide from everyone and find excuses the whole time... The amount of stress I had during this relationship was unbearable..

 

He always tended to give me a hard time whenever he saw me talking with another guy even if it was on friendly terms.. this was fine by me but in the end it left me without any friends.. i feel horrible talking bad about him cos he is an amazing person but Im trying to see everything from a third persons view... Anyway... at the 2nd month we were dating I was talking with this guy friend which i never flirted with just talked and he got really jealous of him. And one day I saw he was smiling and texting and that triggered me as to who he was talking to... Eventually I got his phone and it turns out he was texting this girl and told her 'It hasnt been a nice day because I havent seen you'. That broke me into pieces.. I never said anything to him about that cos i knew it was my fault as he mostlikely felt insecure when I was talking to this other guy. So i stopped talking to that guy and focused on him.

 

Whenever I went back home from holidays I always came back shattered and depressed cos I was feeling so bad for lying to my whole family about him and not be able to discuss any of my problems with him to anyone.. It was killing me keeping everything inside me.. The worst part is that whenever he got upset he just went queit.. never expressed him self as to whats upsetting him making me wanting to explode until i got it out of him..i hated that... cos he was the only one i could discuss things with and clearly he was shutting himself off.. And the worst part is that his family had a lot of issues the whole time and I was always there with him trying to encourage him that everthing will be fine.. Something that drained me psychologically as it was a daily thing..

 

 

A year and some months went by... he had to relocate to another city to work.. we still managed to make it work though.. i couldnt move with him cos i had to complete my final year of study... and whenever some guy friends or anyone invited me out i was kind of not allowed to go.. which made me lie when i wanted to go study with a friend... not something im proud of... last years november it was his graduation... and I wanted to suprise him with something i can barely remember and I went on his email to find out information about where and when the graduation was going to be.... and there i found some really erotic emails he has been exchanging with what looked like a prostitute. He described how badly he wanted to do some sexual stuff on her and etc. It destroyed me..... But deep inside i knew this was because of how poor our sex life was and I was the reason for that so I couldnt hate him for needing to let his sexual urges out... And after days long of fights we decided to continue with him promising not doing anything like that again....

 

I need to say that he was an amazing guy.. always treated me like his princess and never done anything to hurt me in any way... Im just pointing that out because i keep on saying all the negative stuff of him and i dont want to create a bad image...

 

Around March time I met this guy at uni that I immediately felt a really nice connection with him. I wont lie, I liked him, had a small crush on him. But as I was in a relationship I tried to keep my distance and didnt really talk to him.

 

As this was my last year of study I booked a one way ticket to go back home as everyone was expecting me to just go home with nothing else attaching me to the country I was.. but they didnt know about my 2 year long relationship... Before I left we went to a small trip so I could relax from the last deadlines and have quality time together. This was on the end of April...

 

When I went back home everything was going smoothly between us and we kept talking, in the mid of May I received an offer to go back and work to that country. We were both excited about it as i was going to go back.. but something kept on making me depressed as i have missed having all these friends and family around me...

 

To note that this whole time I didnt go out with any guy friends cos i knew how upset he gets about it.. And then we hit downhil... as i was trying to get as much as i could out of my family time there and him knwoing my doubts about coming back he decided without telling me to start getting distance so he finds himself in a case that I would decide to leave him. Just to say I never said anything to him about breaking up. In my mind I was about to leave my family again to be with him... I even made a 2 years plan of how we would had gone with our lives... And when i said that he just said that his mum will most likely marry him off with another girl and i shouldnt be planning that far ahead.. that destroyed me.. And one June night I was kind of tipsy and i sent him a message on facebook and he never replied but it showed that he kept going online and offline so that hit me that he was actually talking with someone and he was ignoring me... so i went on his facebook and found that he was talking with this random girl he had found on facebook and he was telling her how he wanted to eat her! and he was even sending her the same gifs and memes he was senting me about cuddling puppies.. and he even said her aww thats so us.... but the thing that destroyed me more was that he messaged her to meet the exact same day I left the country to go back home..right after that trip we took.. This killled me... as i gave up on my family, lied to so many loved ones, lost friendships, tried to avoid talking to guys just to be with him! Made my whole future with him.. got a job away from everyone to be with him.. and he did that.. i dont even know how far they went... but that thing destroyed me.... my feelings for him got smashed... from then i spent a black summer... i was depressed for over a month.... and then i had to go back in that country cos I had signed a one year contract of work .... for me the relationship was over that night in june... he didnt mean that much to me anymore.. he destroyed me... but when i came back he had the thought we were still together... but we officialy broke up early september....

 

Now... around the same time i found about him and that girl.. the guy from uni started messaging me for a week times or something cos he needed some help with his studies but it didnt last long and it was nothing more than just talking... but things changed in early August.. we started talking everyday, even flirting and we talked on the phone till 6 am laughing and just having a good time... he knew about my ex and the situation of me going back to that country all by myself and in the middle of september he came to visit me cos i was crying every night wanting to go back home... and then things got serious.. we kissed... and i cant lie i loved it... everytime i thought about him i blushed and my body was shaking.... we have a really good connection and i want to spent every minute with him... when he left and went back to his country i got depressed once again as i was left by myself.. in a country with no friends and a work that didnt make me any happy... so i booked a ticket to go and visit him in the end of october. meanwhile stuff with my ex were not going well as that chapter of my life left me shattered... we tried to just stay friends but i couldnt handle it.. too many memories... and then his cousin intervented and told me never to send him a text or contact with him again.. so we spent the whole october not talking... and it felt good.. i felt like moving on finally.. but when i went to visit my new interest in his country my ex texted me of how badly he wanted us to get back together and that he was crying every night missing all the stuff we did together. he didnt know i was falling in love with someone else and taht i went to visit him... but after he sent me that text i cant stop thinking of what a horrible person i am...my 2year long ex there suffering without me and me in this lovely new country with this amazing guy having the time of my life...... it felt like i threw everything in the garbage so easily... it scares me.... but i really like the new guy... he just makes me so happy.. .but im not sure if i found a replacement and if im just filling the gaps my ex left...

 

The thing with the new guy is that he will have to stay in his country for a years time cos he needs to go through some surgery... and we wont be able to see eachother till next year... another burden that is killing me slowly.... I know i should just stay single until we can be togetehr.. but to do that it means i have to stop talking to him and i just cant do that.. he is the only person who can make me happy...

 

On top of that im stuck in a foreign country without friends, im just going to this depressing workplace that im stuck for a years time and i feel that i destroyed my values with what i have done... please someone help me to get out of this hole i fell into.... im in desperate need of advice.... i was even looking for a psychologist to help me but the thought of sitting there and opening my self to a complete stranger is frightening me.... i have reached such a low that im thinking of seeking professional help... i just want to be happy again....

[catfeeder]

im in desperate need of advice.... i was even looking for a psychologist to help me but the thought of sitting there and opening my self to a complete stranger is frightening me.... i have reached such a low that im thinking of seeking professional help... i just want to be happy again....

 

Yes, hire the therapist. People have no trouble hiring a plumber or a tax expert for help in practical things, but what could be more practical than your quality of life?

 

When you're alone you have two choices: dig a deeper hole to climb out of, or reach out for help to stabilize and build a reasonable foundation. I'd seek the help.

 

Head high.

[ThatwasThen]

You would do well seeing a therapist to help you to figure out why you keep picking men that you can't have a life with

 

you knew that the difference in religion would mean that he would never take you seriously yet you stayed and shuffled his infidelities under the rug because you knew that confronting him about them would cause the 'arrangement" to end so you settled for not being taken seriously. Now you are jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire with someone as equally unavailable.

[Wiseman2]

He didn't 'treat you like a princess' he was controlling, possessive, cheating and kept you like a dirty little secret. What culture/religion is he and why would your friends/family disapprove?

 

What about the new guy? Is he from your culture/religion? Is he a secret also? Why does he have to stay in his country 'for years" Is he married?

 

How are you "stuck" in a foreign country? Go back home. Are your parents setting you up in an arranged marriage? Is that why you won't go home?

 

It would be best to delete block and go no contact with both these guys and get on some dating apps to date normal local guys who are the same faith and/or culture as you.

a guy from a different religion. As our family and friends would had gone against us. we officialy broke up early september....

 

i really like the new guy... The thing with the new guy is that he will have to stay in his country for a years time we wont be able to see eachother till next year. On top of that im stuck in a foreign country