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Regret telling him my feelings??


slaidl

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I'd been seeing a guy for a couple months. It was friendship, sex and affection. After months of uncertainty, I decided to open up and tell him my feelings because we were both unsure.

 

I told him I really like him, so I could relieve my mind of whether or not I'm being used for sex. We are both young, him being a 3 years older but he is 21. He admitted to feelings and all went well. He asked me what I want and I responded "I don't want to rush into anything, but a relationship isn't out of the question potentially. If it's just sex you want, I'm disinterested." This was 3 days ago. We haven't spoken since.

 

Now it's not that he's being distant. He is, but him and I are similar and I don't feel like talking to him now and I'm confused, I feel physically sick. The first two days I feel I need space and that's okay but it's day 3 and I still need it. Will it pass? I liked him too much for anything only sexual, and it could turn into a relationship so possessive me needed to tell him but... I think I've ed up. We are perfect for each other, definitely. It's just that now I've opened up I feel obligated to not speak to him, I feel that anything I do will be too much. I liked the pace we were at, the mystery, the fun and cruising; seeing where things go.

 

I can't stop thinking about him but I'm truly scared, and I think so is he. I want him and only him, but perhaps I'm not ready to settle down and I've messed up, bad. This won't leave my mind and it's becoming an unhealthy obsession, help?

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No, it is good that you told him your feelings, this way at least you know where you stand. Never keep your feelings to yourself for fear they'd run away, because if they do it means there was nothing there to begin with and you were just wasting your time.

The guy who returns your feelings will never cool off or be any different after he learns how you feel about him. On the contrary, he will appreciate it and say it back.

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Yes I'm glad I opened up, so that he can't use me. He specifically said "I like you too but have been waiting for you to open up." But I believe we both have commitment issues after both having bad experiences and being so young I'm a little afraid. I'm curious as to whether this feeling of entrapment will pass with a little space and also, the way I phrased it, I hope I was clear that I don't want a relationship right now, just possibly with time? I don't want to be forceful.

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Yes I'm glad I opened up, so that he can't use me. He specifically said "I like you too but have been waiting for you to open up." But I believe we both have commitment issues after both having bad experiences and being so young I'm a little afraid. I'm curious as to whether this feeling of entrapment will pass with a little space and also, the way I phrased it, I hope I was clear that I don't want a relationship right now, just possibly with time? I don't want to be forceful.

 

God, you kids are way to young for "Commitment Issues". That said, what you feel is real, but I honestly think you guys are forcefully making things harder than they need to be at your age worrying about "Commitment issues", "entrapment" etc. You are at an age where you are supposed to be having fun and testing waters.

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Yes sorry I think you're right, I'll rephrase. I think with a bad history we are just both much more cautious to trust and commit, if this makes sense. And so we both possibly feel suffocated. And exactly my point, with my age I'm afraid to feel so deeply for someone at this point?

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Yes sorry I think you're right, I'll rephrase. I think with a bad history we are just both much more cautious to trust and commit, if this makes sense. And so we both possibly feel suffocated. And exactly my point, with my age I'm afraid to feel so deeply for someone at this point?

 

Well one thing you will learn is that with deep feelings for someone comes risks. Risk that they wont feel the same. Risk that they wont be faithful. Risk that they may leave you one day. Its a natural part of relationships and we all face the same risks. 2 things can happen. You can come to accept that relationships come with risk and your feelings and emotions will be exposed and may be hurt one day, and that its OK to be hurt and that you will heal and survive OR you can live in fear of the risks and either not experience love, or allow fear to make you obsessive and controlling, killing any chance for a healthy relationship. Thats something you must learn as you mature and enter relationship after relationship.

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You are 17 he's 21. As a minor should you be having sex with him? Are you dating or just hooking up or fwb? Telling him you don't want a relationship, if you do, is a mixed message and not being honest.

 

Also telling him you want more than hookups is not "entrapment".

him being a 3 years older but he is 21. I liked the pace we were at, the mystery, the fun and cruising; seeing where things go. I'm curious as to whether this feeling of entrapment will pass with a little space and also. I hope I was clear that I don't want a relationship right now, just possibly with time? I don't want to be forceful.
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I'm 18 so yes I can legally be having sex with him. But this is why I specifically told him "if it is only sex you're wanting, I'm disinterested." We were acting like a couple, only seeing each other weekly or fortnightly. I've met his parents, he'll be meeting mine, he treats me well whenever we are together. Basically acting like a couple but unofficial and taking things slow. I told him I could see a relationship in the future but not right now, he agreed, saying he doesn't want to rush into anything and wants to get to know each other and I waiting for me to open up.

 

I agree, telling him the truth is not entrapment, I'm just trying to put a finger on why I feel so uneasy after opening up despite his positive response? We both haven't contacted each other... will this feeling pass?

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Yes I'm glad I opened up, so that he can't use me. He specifically said "I like you too but have been waiting for you to open up." But I believe we both have commitment issues after both having bad experiences and being so young I'm a little afraid. I'm curious as to whether this feeling of entrapment will pass with a little space and also, the way I phrased it, I hope I was clear that I don't want a relationship right now, just possibly with time? I don't want to be forceful.

 

I'm a little confused, I thought you wanted a relationship? Curious why you told him your feelings, but now are saying you don't want a relationship. Sounds a bit odd....most people confess their feelings because they want a commitment from the other person..

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To be clear, I do want a relationship just not right at this moment, wanting to take things slow. I just wanted to make sure he wasn't using me and to express my feelings to him, so that maybe it could lead to something eventually.

 

So if you wanted to take things slow, and didn't want a relationship....what was wrong with the way things were going? You two seemed to be dating, why bring up relationship if you weren't ready for it. Also another thing, if the guy hasn't contacted you in 3 days, that's not a good sign. The fact that you even brought up a relationship might have scared him away. He may just want a friends with benefits thing with you...

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What's the difference between what you are doing (seeing each other regularly, having sex, meeting friends, family,etc.) and "a relationship". Define relationship vs what's going on at this time.

 

Accusing him of using you is also odd...maybe that's why he's been silent?

I do want a relationship just not right at this moment, wanting to take things slow.
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Exactly my point; this is why I regret saying anything to him. I said it because I didn't want to be used. I do want a relationship, just not now. So I guess I've completely messed everything up by saying anything...

 

Used how? Clearly you're okay with no relationship, so if you two were continueing to do what you were doing, how is that being used?

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He has accused me of using him before also, jokingly, but I believe it was because he actually questioned it. I had my reasons for asking him, some days I felt like a booty call and others like a girlfriend. just can't stop thinking about what's happened, I know I shouldn't have said anything. It just felt right at the time and I don't know what to do. Is this just a thing where we give each other space and they'll work out or have I completely messed up? I specifically said "I don't want to rush into anything yet" and he said the same thing. He's brought up the topic of relationships before, saying he doesn't want one YET.

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Unfortunately it sounds like you want more from this dating or fwb or booty call than he does. What makes it feel like booty call and what makes it feel like you are dating? Are you exclusive or is he with other girls?

some days I felt like a booty call and others like a girlfriend. I specifically said "I don't want to rush into anything yet" and he said the same thing. He's brought up the topic of relationships before, saying he doesn't want one YET.
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I think you're lying to yourself, I agree with Wiseman, you want a relationship but you're scared to say you do to him because you think he will leave. But the fact that you mentioned your feelings to him I think has scared him away bcuz he doesn't want a relationship. If he doesn't call, i'd move on...

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Yeah guess I've messed things up. It's my birthday tomorrow so I guess if he doesn't contact me for that then that'll really be a kick in the face. He seems like an overanalyser like after changes he sits back and thinks before coming back, and requires space similarly to me sometimes, and usually after catching up will disappear for a few days before contacting me again, and this was a part of him taking things slow since we didn't contact each other too much online to begin with. I presumed this was the same case but maybe not, maybe I've scared him off. Thanks all for your advice but honestly, I feel worse than I did in the start.

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Well instead of being honest with him BEFORE the sex and dating to say that your intentions, you decided in favor of mystery and silence.

 

When you are silent about what you want and then have sex with someone, they are NOT using you for sex. Rather, you were fooling yourself hoping he wanted the same things.

 

It sounds like he's pulling away because he didn't want a relationship. I would take that as a lesson learned.

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God, you kids are way to young for "Commitment Issues". That said, what you feel is real, but I honestly think you guys are forcefully making things harder than they need to be at your age worrying about "Commitment issues", "entrapment" etc. You are at an age where you are supposed to be having fun and testing waters.

 

Exactly. I suspect it's more about him being young and wanting to keep his options open.

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Happy birthday. Does he have a pattern of not contacting you daily or for a few days? Then how is this new or different?

It's my birthday tomorrow so I guess if he doesn't contact me for that then that'll really be a kick in the face. usually after catching up will disappear for a few days before contacting me again.
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Well instead of being honest with him BEFORE the sex and dating to say that your intentions, you decided in favor of mystery and silence.

 

When you are silent about what you want and then have sex with someone, they are NOT using you for sex. Rather, you were fooling yourself hoping he wanted the same things.

 

It sounds like he's pulling away because he didn't want a relationship. I would take that as a lesson learned.

 

Ms. Darcy is right. If you really want to remove some of that risk I described earlier, start by not sleeping with someone prior to knowing how they feel about you. Then you will have the information you need to make some of the right decisions about where things may be headed. There is nothing wrong with wanting a sexual relationship with someone for fun as long as you use proper protections, but when you have your heart in the game, or if you think it may enter the game, you need to be a little more upfront and knowing of expectations prior to sex. This will help with some of your fears as well.

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