Need unbiased advice with SO's family...

[Kdub]

So, I have been living with my boyfriend for about six months, we have been together for a couple of years. His Uncle owns a very successful business that he started from the ground up. My boyfriend, for the last couple years, has been renting his Uncle's guest house. So now we are both living in his Uncle's guest house on his property. We are getting a very good deal, but by no means is it free. Some months, my bf will pay rent, but sometimes he doesn't have to. He works graveyard for his Uncle and does not get paid...sometimes for months at a time. Sometimes we just consider it "rent" when he doesn't get paid at all. But my bf will not stand up to his Uncle, he is way too dependent on him for a lot of things (in my opinion). My bf has his own business of flipping houses. All funded by his Uncle. Uncle fronts the money for the house and all supplies, my bf will do all of the work in fixing the house, then they split profit 50/50. Uncle also bought him a brand new truck 2 years ago. He keeps doing things to make my bf feel indebted to him. And my bf DOES ALWAYS feel like he owes his Uncle. So this has been an issue for us, because I would like to obviously have our own life together. Which we talk about all the time, and he is very committed to me as well. But not as much as he is his Uncle. My bf wants to start another business of building and selling condos, with of course the funding of his Uncle and being tied to him. It just doesn't feel like we will ever get away on our own. So my bf has been working more and more nights lately with his Uncle and spending less and less time with me at home. He still works his day job at the houses during the day...so it's making it difficult to see him. And he never says no to his Uncle. So a little over a week ago, his Uncle tells my bf that he hired a guy to come and work for him from the 1st through the 17th. And that this strange man is going to be staying with us. (Our house is a 2 bedroom). Did not ask...he told my bf...that this man is staying with us. So I of course, am very upset by this already. Home is my sanctuary, where I go to relieve stress and not worry about anyone but myself and bf. Since I mostly have an opposite schedule as the guest, I did not meet him until his 5th day with us. When I met him, he seemed nice and courteous enough. About an hour later when I was doing some chores around the house, he comes up to me to tell me that his girlfriend is flying up and will be staying with him for 4 days...I did not know how to respond ...So I just said oh...and kept doing my own thing. My bf was not home at this time...so about an hour later, the guest comes up to me again and asks what my plans are for tomorrow. And it being sunday, we usually just lounge around, do laundry get things done around the house. I said something along those lines to him, and he told me that he was having a dinner party with his gf and a few of their friends...and without saying it, implied that it would be nice if we could be out of the house for it. I was absolutely furious inside! I waited for my bf to get home about an hour later, and told him what happened. He was very upset by this as well, but he is a very pleasing and peace keeping person. So he never said anything or did anything. At the end of their dinner, we overheard the guest saying that he will see them on Tuesday (today)...so now I am nervous to go home, because I do not know if he is having friends over, or he is meeting them out somewhere. I really want to have a talk with the guest and let him know that it is not ok for him to have guests over without asking us first...or really, not have people over at all! But what I REALLY want to do...is have my bf talk to his Uncle and say that it is not ok to tell people that they can stay with us for a couple weeks...I know the house is his house...but technically, we are renting the house from him. We do pay rent, and if we don't, my bf more than works it off from him. But I also know that my bf will probably not stand up to his Uncle...he just feels too indebted. And every time I ask him to say something to his Uncle about being taken advantage of...he says that he doesn't want to for fear of being kicked out...I am just at such a loss here of what to do...what to say and who to say it to. I have had some advice from friends...but all is biased. I'm so sorry for the long post!! I could really use some advice...any and all is appreciated! Thanks in advance...just need to know if I'm way over thinking this or not. Thanks!

[RainyCoast]

your bf IS dependendent, and it won't change without his conscious efforts at individualtion.

 

the situation is the textbook lists of reasons to not work for your own family.

 

do you work?

 

if your boyfriend agrees, you guys would do well to rent a place of your own and work independently of his uncle.

 

if you don't have a contract for the place, you will be protesting in vain.

 

if boyfriend moonlights for uncle, that's another disadvantage.

 

i would not take uncle's loan to start my own business, because with this type of uncle, it would not be my own, and neither would the profit. your boyfriend, i think, will not cut the umbillical with uncle though.

 

at the end of the day, it boild down not to living under uncle's rules and roof, but living with your boyfriends dependency traits. those he'd likely replicate with others were the uncle out of the picture.

[j.man]

Waaaaaaaaaaay too informal and undefined for my tastes, but your boyfriend most certainly seems to advantage proportionately. I'm too much of a contractor at heart, but if I weren't, I'd take the deal your boyfriend's got in a heartbeat and save up for some years.

 

At this point, you have to decide what you can live with, because your boyfriend seems pretty content despite any gripes to play it by ear with his uncle. It doesn't look like you'll be living as an organized couple.

 

I'd also be curious as to whether you're working.

[Kdub]

Thanks for the input! Yes, I work full time and make alright money. Since my bf hasn't been getting paid regularly...we are solely living off of my paychecks. When he does sell a house, he gets a hefty check. But sometimes it's too far between houses and ends up equaling out yearly, to less than what I make. He has always told me, that he really wants to start his own business (funded by Uncle) and that is his dream is to be a business owner. But, he also told me that if I ever wanted him to quit and get a real job (9-5) that he would, no questions asked. I did ask him a couple weeks ago, if he would consider getting a job in the heavy equip union (his backup plan) because I didn't think this job was working out. His response was that I am not supporting him following his dreams. Which is not it at all! I don't want him to give up his dreams...I just don't feel like its a good situation to be in...for me at least. I do not want to end things with him...other than this, we are really great together. But I do see this having a huge impact on us for the rest of our lives and possibly ending things down the road for a larger reason than this one.

[Hollyj]

Dreams do not pay the bills. He needs to get his head out of the clouds.

 

He can get a decent paying jib, while he pursuing his dreams. This is what most do.

 

You need to tell the other guy that he cannot have friends over and hold a party. You also need to get things straight with the uncle . It is ridiculous that he brought this guy in, while you are renting.

 

Your bf has zero backbone, and would strongly reconsider a future with someone like this. This is a ridiculous situation.

[RainyCoast]

so what specifically is his vision of your future "life together"?

 

have him specify. when would it happen. would you rent/buy a place of your own. would he expect you to support him financially if uncle funded his business but ate away too much of a profit for bf to live off?

 

then set a timeline with a certain date and sum saved for moving out as the goal, and with monthly "check-ins" and an income/expenses tracker. if he's lagging behind and amping up the symbiosis with uncle in ways that set you back on your plan, he's bs- ing you. or himself. or both. speaking of dreams and "one day living our own life" is a vague concept, and either i don't see how his current moves are steps toward the dream, or they truly aren't.

 

it doesn't sound like he's saving up with the current arangement. if it were intended to save- and efficient, i'd suck it up and endure the unconventional living conditions for x amout of time.

[DancingFool]

Your bf has a fantastic financial deal going with the uncle and he would be a complete fool to rock that boat. This isn't even about being a people pleaser so much as not biting the hand that feeds generously.

 

The living situation is another story though. What you have is kind of a loose arrangement where you are living in the uncle's house kind of sort of paying token rent/barter deal which unfortunately puts you in the situation you are in. The uncle sees the living arrangement as the charity that it is and if he needs to make use of his property for other purposes, he will. If that doesn't work for you, and I can see how it doesn't, then you need to move out and have your own place and pay full rent. For as long as you continue to live as is, these kinds of things will happen and you don't really have much of a leg to stand on about it.

 

Anyway, the family/uncle/business connection is not going to change and as it is would be foolish to change for your bf. So either you can get behind that and fully support it or you need to walk away from this relationship because your resentment will tear you apart in the end. The living situation you can change if your bf is willing and you can both split full rent elsewhere so the place is yours without question.

[Kdub]

so what specifically is his vision of your future "life together"?

 

have him specify. when would it happen. would you rent/buy a place of your own. would he expect you to support him financially if uncle funded his business but ate away too much of a profit for bf to live off?

 

then set a timeline with a certain date and sum saved for moving out as the goal, and with monthly "check-ins" and an income/expenses tracker. if he's lagging behind and amping up the symbiosis with uncle in ways that set you back on your plan, he's bs- ing you. or himself. or both. speaking of dreams and "one day living our own life" is a vague concept, and either i don't see how his current moves are steps toward the dream, or they truly aren't.

 

it doesn't sound like he's saving up with the current arangement. if it were intended to save- and efficient, i'd suck it up and endure the unconventional living conditions for x amout of time.

 

I LOVE this idea! I haven't brought up any of these questions to my bf before...I am very interested to hear how he would answer these. Thank you so much for the advice and ideas.

[Wiseman2]

You should not be supporting him or funding his dreams. You are not married nor a financial unit. At this point, you are playing sugar mama.

 

Stop giving him money/supporting his dream and let him fund it himself.

...we are solely living off of my paychecks. he also told me that if I ever wanted him to quit and get a real job (9-5) that he would, no questions asked. I did ask him a couple weeks ago, if he would consider getting a job in the heavy equip union (his backup plan) because I didn't think this job was working out. His response was that I am not supporting him following his dreams.

[RainyCoast]

yes that way you'll both see whether he means it but is too unfocused to follow through, or a dependent/drifter type. it should be evident pretty soon, if at two months mark for example he finds excuses to sabotage the plan.

[DancingFool]

What you are saying about finances makes zero sense. From the 50/50 split, he would be getting hefty paychecks. In addition, he moonlights and even if he doesn't get paid regularly, eventually he gets paid for that too or you trade that in for rent, so no rent expense. In addition, you guys are paying below market rent and YOU are covering all his expenses and he doesn't have money????? What???? Where is his income going exactly???? Sorry but something is not adding up here. It's like 2+2=10 something is missing in this equation.

 

As for his dreams, dreams are great and he has something most people do not - a source of financing in the form of Uncle. However, there is a huge leap between being a handyman and fixing up houses and developer building major commercial projects. Does he actually have the education, licensing and skill or is he working on that? If he doesn't have that, is he a good salesman and manager and would his uncle help him get there in terms of teaching and coaching? Keep in mind that there is nothing wrong with fixing and flipping houses. I know a guy who came to the US from abroad, started doing exactly the same thing. Eventually he started keeping and renting out some of the properties. He was so successful he now is an investor himself, but he is sticking with real estate. He has become expert at it. Regardless, he would never consider building himself or becoming a developer. That's just a completely different ballgame. He will invest in building projects someone else is running if it passes his muster.

[RainyCoast]

his bookkeeping sounds very fishy to me as well.

 

i deduce that either uncle is supposed to leave him half for every house but frequently doesn't pay, and frequently doesn't pay graveyard either-- essentially, the boyfriend works for almost free, despite the initial agreement. if so, then teaming up with uncle for any more work or accepting his loan would be volutarily getting himself robbed. if he wanted to do that, i'd make it clear i'm keeping all of my income for myself. seriously.

 

or.

 

he pockets his money and mooches off of op. because he can.

 

but what is certain, he has made himself dependent on two people already. she's living with a man child.

[Wiseman2]

True. Do not finance something where he is in a scam or pyramid plan. He should not be living from your paycheck.

 

Your paycheck as a single person, should be going directly to your own operating costs food, housing etc. then saving for your future.

 

If you are not getting a piece of the pie and that isn't well documented as reasonable risk then don't get sucked into this even indirectly by subsiding him.

yes that way you'll both see whether he means it but is too unfocused to follow through, or a dependent/drifter type. it should be evident pretty soon, if at two months mark for example he finds excuses to sabotage the plan.

[catfeeder]

I can only speak for myself. I'd tell BF that I adore him and can picture us together in the future, and that's why I need to walk away while we both still think highly of one another. If he ever frees himself from this uncle situation and pursues gainful employment, and he wants to try reconciling, he can let me know. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up. If not, I wish him the best.

 

That 's how my sister saved her marriage to a guy who was overly involved with family in a business that kept him at the mercy of his family's choices. She was done ruining her stomach lining with worry and frustration, so she just laid it out that she was done. And she meant it.

 

If you're not prepared to do that, that's not against the law, you can continue to live with the consequences of BF's bad choices. It's a decision.

 

Head high.

[abitbroken]

You need to live somewhere where you have quiet enjoyment of your space. That either means that you own it, or you have a lease agreement. if you have a lease, that means that you will uphold your end by paying rent and keeping the dwelling in good condition and not infringe on the peace of your neighbors, and that the landlord upholds their end by not entering your dwelling unless prearranged and at your approval for repairs or in an emergency (your toilet is flooding the apartment of your downstairs neighbor and in that case, they still call you if they knock and you are not home to give you head's up).

 

This living situation is not acceptable. It is stressful and not secure. You are not living in a place that is completely furnished by the uncle so therefore anyone who comes over is also using your things.

 

I suggest that you tell your boyfriend that whatever arrangement he has business wise with his uncle is up to him, but that you can't live this way anymore that you will be moving out to live somewhere else. Obviously, he can still live at his uncle's place by himself. Do not let him move with you, otherwise you will be carrying the entire rent and other expenses because you have enabled him.

 

If you choose to still date him that's up to you. But I will say that if you don't respect him or his choices, that its pointless to do so. He needs to set some personal boundaries for himself. And he has proven he has not wanted to do that.