How do I get over the guilt of ruining my relationship?

[beanbag77]

Me and my boyfriend started dating around March '15. We were very compatible; lots of similar interests, great sexual chemistry, both on the same level intellectually, same sense of humour etc. I couldn't fault our connection.

 

Around January time I grinded on a guy at a club and regetted it, telling my boyfriend the next day, honestly thinking it wouldn't have a huge impact on the relationship. It hurt him a lot but he forgave me and we tried to move past it.

 

However, very recently my boyfriend started acting very off with me and couldn't tell me why. When I finally got it out of him he told me he wasn't sure if he wanted to be with me anymore. After a lengthy discussion he decided what I did just affected our relationship in a way that would be extremely hard to repair.

 

I never wanted to hurt him, or do anything to jeopardise the relationship. We worked out between us that the reason I did it was because I have really low self-esteem and feeling desired by other people makes me feel better.

 

With my boyfriend telling me that I essentially ruined things between us has broken me. He's even said that he's been talking to some girl and they will probably get together soon, as if breaking up wasn't hard enough to deal with.

 

I never thought what I did would have done so much damage and I hate myself for being so selfish. There is obviously no room to win him back, but to me it was a perfect relationship an I ruined it. How can I get over the regret and guilt of what I did?

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to say but there is too much analysis here. People grind in clubs because they are drinking and horny, not because they have deep seeded issues,etc.

 

He wants to end it for other reasons and blame you by citing this incident from almost a yr ago. He started talking to this girl and decided to dump you and this was a handy excuse.

 

Do not accept blame that he simply wants to date someone else. Go no contact, block him and forget the grinding thing he tried to use to explain his cheating.

I finally got it out of him he told me he wasn't sure if he wanted to be with me anymore. After a lengthy discussion he decided what I did just affected our relationship in a way that would be extremely hard to repair. We worked out between us that the reason I did it was because I have really low self-esteem and feeling desired by other people makes me feel better. He's even said that he's been talking to some girl and they will probably get together soon.

[Hermes]

What's that, Wiseman?

 

"People grind in clubs ...."

[greta96]

Like Wiseman, I don't think that the grinding itself was what broke your relationship. While it's a tacky thing to do and inappropriate for someone in a relationship, it's not even close to cheating. Besides, if it had hurt him so much he would have broken up with you back then.

I'd be more inclined to think that he wanted to break up for another reason (could it be the new girl he's 'talking' to?) and used what happened in January so as to not look like the bad guy and place the blame on you instead.

Maybe your relationship wasn't as perfect as you thought?

[DancingFool]

Sorry to say but there is too much analysis here. People grind in clubs because they are drinking and horny, not because they have deep seeded issues,etc.

 

He wants to end it for other reasons and blame you by citing this incident from almost a yr ago. He started talking to this girl and decided to dump you and this was a handy excuse.

 

Do not accept blame that he simply wants to date someone else. Go no contact, block him and forget the grinding thing he tried to use to explain his cheating.

 

^ What he said. Seems like your relationship wasn't that perfect and your bf was busy running around behind your back. Your insecurities and guilt are kind of a handy excuse and provide a nice smokescreen for his misdeeds. You didn't destroy this relationship.

 

Other point I wanted to make is never ever use your SO as your confessional for whatever perceived sins you think you have committed. If you need to discuss something or get something off your chest, that's what close friends, family, therapists and priests are for. If you often feel guilt ridden and unsure of right and wrong, might be a good idea to find a good well grounded person in your life to talk to about things. Someone who can ground you and give you a reality check that you will respect.

[Wiseman2]

"People grind in clubs ...."

]

[moodindigo91]

If your boyfriend is breaking up with you because he can't get over that you grinded on a dude in a club for a minute, then it's probably for the best. What a baby. Also, I do agree with the others, it does sound like an excuse he is using to break up with you so he can pursue his other interests while escaping any blame.

 

Don't beat yourself up for this, be single.