The betrayal, losing, finding, and losing again of my Harley Quinn

[RinconBlueEyes]

Not sure where to start, so I guess the beginning is best. Back in 2006 I met what has to be the most awesome woman that has crossed my path. I'll call her Harley Quinn - due to her penchant for costumes and a certain one she wore for me...but that's another story.

 

In early-2006, I "met" Harley through a friend. At the time she was stationed in Iraq with the Army. Over the course of almost a year we traded emails, phone calls, and video calls. I still have every single email she sent in a now little used account. She returned to the States in October of that year. The weekend after she returned, the friend that introduced us threw a party where I finally got to see her face to face. We talked for hours and hit it off immensely - so well, in fact, that she wanted to go out the next night. I won't go into details of that date, but it was awesome and the night ended with, well the reason I call her Harley Quinn. So began our relationship.

 

At the time, Harley was 26. During our many conversations while she was deployed, I began to become attached to her, so to speak. Maybe developed feelings is a better term. She also expressed interest but never came out and said it, and I sort of got the feeling that maybe she was just young and carefree...at the time, I was 35. However, Harley was - and still is - fiercely loyal to whomever she is in a relationship with.

 

Looking back, the way our relationship grew the way a real, honest one is supposed to. Even though we saw each other several times a week, we still talked on the phone/messaged/emailed just like when she was back in Iraq. My feelings for her grew and grew, to the point where I loved her and wanted to take it to the next level. But all the time, she never said how she felt - but yet the undertone was there. So time passed and I thought the carefree attitude was still there, but I was wrong...very wrong and paid a steep price for it. Harley had about a year left in the Army and started talking and asking my advice about what she should do - I even have the email about it...this will come into play in the present, and now that I go back and read it, it was so blatantly obvious that she really was wanting me to ask her to stay with me. But, that's jumping ahead of this so let me get back on track.

 

Fast forward to SEPT 2007. Still with Harley. I dropped hints but she always said later. So I was getting discouraged. One day on my lunch hour, I was in a bookstore where I was approached by this gorgeous woman. We talked for a bit and she asked if I wanted to get drinks sometime. At that time, Harley was out of town on TAD so I said sure. This was the first and only time I have ever been unfaithful to anyone. Ever and never have since.

 

So drinks led to dinner. And it kind of roller coasted from there. This woman was really into me. One night we got drinks at a local bar, when one of Harley's friends saw us. Well, you can imagine what happened. When she returned the next week, it was one of the worst things I have ever seen. Just plain awful. And that played on my mind for years. I ran into a friend of hers a couple of months later, and she told me Harley re-upped to get away. Ugh.

 

The new woman, who I will call the Black Widow, and I kept dating. In 2008 we were married. But my thoughts never left Harley.

 

Fast forward to 2011. I get an invite on LinkedIn from Harley. So I accepted. But the conversations weren't there. Over the course of the years, I sent messages but she'd never answer. However, after each job change/update, she would send a congratulations message and nothing else.

 

Over the years, my thoughts never left Harley. But I also thought I had a good marriage. In JAN 2016, my wife and I divorced. We have two beautiful kids, too. There were some pre-existing things (very bad) that my wife didn't tell me about, that directly impacted the marriage and led to our divorce.

 

Fast forward to SEPT 2016. I get a new job and update my LinkedIn. Also get a congrats message from Harley. I decided to message her on facebook. It took several weeks before she replied - and that was after several messages from me. At first she was very short, but opened up. It led to me giving her my number and her calling - that was the first time in almost 10 years that I heard her voice. We talked for about an hour. She now lives in California and I am in Georgia. Emails/messages/calls followed. About a month ago, we facetimed and I must say, the conversation flowed as if we never stopped talking. I must admit, the old feelings were opening up. I said let's meet up and she said "you never know what the new year will bring."

 

A couple of weeks ago, I sent her a rather lengthy email - one expressing regret and hope. A week passed and she never replied. Last week I got a letter in the mail, well rather a letter in a letter. In the envelope was a note, and an old letter postmarked 2008 - one of those return to sender types - apparently it was sent after I moved. The note said "I'm not sure." That's all it said. The letter, however, was a different story. In it was so much pain and so much heartbreak. I never have read that much emotion in a letter - all seven pages of it. And I read it over and over that night. There appeared to be tear stains on it. Also, in the old letter were two tickets that were dated SEPT 2007. In the letter she had told me she saved up for a long time to purchase the tickets. It seemed that she wanted to have that serious talk about us - and that she wanted to get married. I was floored reading that. I never knew. Never. Never had an inkling that she loved me. I must admit, I cried reading that. You see, even though I felt that Harley wasn't wanting something serious at the time, she was the perfect girl for me. I just never knew.

 

So I tried to call. No answer but left a message. Same thing the next day. That night I get a rather lengthy email stating that my email (the one stating regret and hope that we can pick up) shook her and brought up the feelings of the betrayal. Said that she wanted to give it a go but that betrayal was too much. Said that she wanted to keep talking. I also have looked at her FB page over the years. She has a son, who looks to be almost 10. In the email, she said I have someone I want you to meet one day. And left it at that.

 

So here I am. With a heart that's broken in more ways than one. The woman that should have been was right there all along...I just never knew. I was that close. That close.

[RinconBlueEyes]

I don't even know what to think. Harley is the one that got away. The one that should have been. What do I do now?

[Andrina]

It's easy to build up the fantasy of a relationship that never got to the point of being physically local to one another and being in a typical relationship for at least a year, and better two, to see the reality of lifetime compatibility.

 

You two were apart most of the time, and during that time, you didn't feel she was serious about you, and she never communicated this. When two people cannot speak to one another about their innermost feelings, it means the relationship is on shaky ground. It's a good thing she didn't ask to live with you at the time. That would've been too much too soon for people who hadn't regularly seen each other at least a few times a week for an entire year. If she wanted to see where the relationship should go, she should have gotten her own place in your vicinity.

 

I don't know what your arrangement was back then on exclusivity. What would I do in this situation? I'd have a discussion about why you did what you did back then, and see it as lack of communication and doubts between you two. I'd tell her that if she thinks she can't get over the past and start fresh, then I wouldn't want to invest my emotional energy into someone who isn't 100 percent confidence in starting a relationship with me.

 

Long distance is going to be tough once again, and a big risk factor. If you go headlong into this route again, once again, if one of you moves, I suggest it be in different abodes until you've regularly seen each other at least a year. That way you can see who she really is over time. She might still be how she was back then--not seeming to be serious about you. With children involved, you also don't want to make major changes in their lives until the relationship has a strong foundation.

[Hollyj]

Honestly, I don't understand why you never expressed your feelings? I also don't get why you dated the other girl, when you had feeling for Harley?

 

If I were her, I would also feel very betrayed, and keep my distance. All you can do, is express your confusion over her feelings towards you.

[Wiseman2]

What lead to the divorce? Did she cheat? Why did you dub her Black Widow, as if she's evil?

 

It sounds like you are reflecting on old times and trying to turn the clock back to before your divorce like a system restore.

 

Is Harley married? If so, you need to forget about this. What about getting on some dating apps and browsing to meet local available women?

In JAN 2016, my wife and I divorced. We have two beautiful kids, too. There were some pre-existing things (very bad) that my wife didn't tell me about, that directly impacted the marriage and led to our divorce. She now lives in California and I am in Georgia.I also have looked at her FB page over the years. She has a son, who looks to be almost 10. In the email, she said I have someone I want you to meet one day.

[RinconBlueEyes]

In OCT 2016 was when Harley returned from Iraq and we started dating. We saw each other several times a week and eventually traded keys. She'd come over unannounced and I was cool with that.

 

The thing is, early on it just seemed as if she wanted to date but not seriously. It started just seeing each other one night a week and increased from there. But there was never any statement of feelings.

 

Harley is a different sort of girl. She keeps things internal. She's very independent and sort of projected the image of not needing anything but herself, but not in a bad way. However, there is an inner side that really wants relationships. Seems as if she had been hurt really bad before and said never again. I just didn't know she loved me.

 

 

It's easy to build up the fantasy of a relationship that never got to the point of being physically local to one another and being in a typical relationship for at least a year, and better two, to see the reality of lifetime compatibility.

 

You two were apart most of the time, and during that time, you didn't feel she was serious about you, and she never communicated this. When two people cannot speak to one another about their innermost feelings, it means the relationship is on shaky ground. It's a good thing she didn't ask to live with you at the time. That would've been too much too soon for people who hadn't regularly seen each other at least a few times a week for an entire year. If she wanted to see where the relationship should go, she should have gotten her own place in your vicinity.

 

I don't know what your arrangement was back then on exclusivity. What would I do in this situation? I'd have a discussion about why you did what you did back then, and see it as lack of communication and doubts between you two. I'd tell her that if she thinks she can't get over the past and start fresh, then I wouldn't want to invest my emotional energy into someone who isn't 100 percent confidence in starting a relationship with me.

 

Long distance is going to be tough once again, and a big risk factor. If you go headlong into this route again, once again, if one of you moves, I suggest it be in different abodes until you've regularly seen each other at least a year. That way you can see who she really is over time. She might still be how she was back then--not seeming to be serious about you. With children involved, you also don't want to make major changes in their lives until the relationship has a strong foundation.

[RinconBlueEyes]

I wanted to and hinted, but I was afraid of opening up. You see, she wasn't the lovey-dovey type. Although she prefers relationships to casual dating, she had always said that she never really discussed feelings and just let things flow.

 

Ah, the other. That's complicated. I thought Harley wasn't into a serious, long-term relationship. Black Widow talked a good game and at the time I thought maybe it was right. Stupid, I know.

 

Honestly, I don't understand why you never expressed your feelings? I also don't get why you dated the other girl, when you had feeling for Harley?

 

If I were her, I would also feel very betrayed, and keep my distance. All you can do, is express your confusion over her feelings towards you.

[Wiseman2]

Did you or she move? Are you dating exclusively or casually? What about her kids and your kids?

In OCT 2016 was when Harley returned from Iraq and we started dating. We saw each other several times a week and eventually traded keys. The thing is, early on it just seemed as if she wanted to date but not seriously. It started just seeing each other one night a week and increased from there. But there was never any statement of feelings.

[RinconBlueEyes]

There were a lot of factors. Primarily, she never disclosed the years of abuse she suffered starting at age 3 (every type of abuse possible) until her teens, and multiple rapes. She has also attempted suicide at least 3 times that I found out about. But I know, that isn't a reason. Black Widow made it a lifelong habit of leaving relationships when daily things come up...she had this perfect idea of a marriage and its one that isn't real life. And yes, she cheated. I know, karma biting me.

 

 

Harley never married.

 

What lead to the divorce? Did she cheat? Why did you dub her Black Widow, as if she's evil?

 

It sounds like you are reflecting on old times and trying to turn the clock back to before your divorce like a system restore.

 

Is Harley married? If so, you need to forget about this. What about getting on some dating apps and browsing to meet local available women?

[RinconBlueEyes]

Harley lives in CA and I in GA. I'm not dating anyone and I'm not sure of her. She never said. All I know is that I said lets meet and she said "you never know what the new year will bring." But that was before the letter came.

 

Did you or she move? Are you dating exclusively or casually? What about her kids and your kids?

[RinconBlueEyes]

You know, Harley never married. I don't know why she saved that letter after all those years or why she sent it to me. I'd love nothing more than to see her again and start over. Maybe that ship has sailed. Maybe she is my "the one that got away" story. All I know is that she was perfect for me. And when we talked that time, its like we never stopped.

[Hollyj]

I think that you need to express everything, if you get the opportunity to meet up.

[Wiseman2]

So what do you mean you shared house keys and she comes over all the time? Are you dating or reminiscing? So you haven't met up or "she comes over unannounced all the time"?

 

I would not consider few friendly linkedin and fb messages a relationship or dating or a love affair. It sounds like you are living in the past to try to recover from your divorce but you are not interested in real dating or real relationships. lives in CA and I in GA.

[RinconBlueEyes]

So what do you mean you shared house keys and she comes over all the time? Are you dating or reminiscing? So you haven't met up or "she comes over unannounced all the time"?

 

I would not consider few friendly linkedin and fb messages a relationship or dating or a love affair. It sounds like you are living in the past to try to recover from your divorce but you are not interested in real dating or real relationships.

 

I meant she used to. In that one reply, I put OCT 2016 but it was 2006. She used to come over. Not dating, I didn't go back and edit my response.

 

Maybe you are right. Maybe I am living in the past. But the divorce happened after almost a year of separation. I moved on from the ex-wife. But Harley was a different story. Maybe she was the one after all.

[RinconBlueEyes]

It seems some are getting confused and I certainly didn't edit before replying on some.

 

Harley never married after we split up. Still single after almost 10 years later. She kept in touch, in a way, through the LinkedIn. The question begs, if she wasn't at least thinking, then why did she invite me? Why the little congrats messages. Why'd she respond on FB? She did admit to looking at my FB over the years when we first talked again a few weeks ago. But, the question also begs - why did she keep that letter for all these years?

[Wiseman2]

She's not "the one" if you are only get friendly push button responses on social media. Try to date local real women or get counseling for not being over your divorce and using this obsession/fantasy to cope.

Maybe I am living in the past. But the divorce happened after almost a year of separation.

[RinconBlueEyes]

I'd love to, if that opportunity arises. I'm also curious as to who she wants me to meet.

 

I think that you need to express everything, if you get the opportunity to meet up.

[Wiseman2]

Most likely her bf and/or father of her child. She's moved on and so should you.

I'd love to, if that opportunity arises. I'm also curious as to who she wants me to meet.

[RinconBlueEyes]

Maybe you are correct. I guess I shouldn't have read anything into her phone call a couple weeks ago or the face time.

 

She's not "the one" if you are only get friendly push button responses on social media. Try to date local real women or get counseling for not being over your divorce and using this obsession/fantasy to cope.

[RinconBlueEyes]

So, when I went home for lunch today I got a most unexpected call from Harley Quinn. She said that been doing a lot of thinking - about all the times we talked when she was deployed to the time we actually dated, and yes, to the betrayal. And no, she isn't seeing anyone nor has she ever married. She did email a pic of her and her son and said this is who I'd like you to meet.

 

Maybe I wasn't clear on some of my posts, but after reading they seem clear to me. And for the one who asked - when she came back off deployment, she lived roughly 30 minutes away. And yes, she had a key to my place and I for hers.

 

But, back to my point. She told me we'll talk tonight or so, but she's never forgotten me over the years - hence the connection on LinkedIn. And, she wants to try to come back to the area to see...just to see. She said that before she considers anything she has a lot more thinking to do.

 

I wonder if all those years she was reaching out...maybe keeping tabs. In one of our phone calls after the "reconnection" she mentioned the she had looked at my FB many times. I'm not sure what can be done at this point. Honestly, I'd love to reconnect with her. She was a very special woman - and looking back, I see what should have been. Maybe I am chasing ghosts at this point. Maybe I am hanging my hat on someone that moved on. I wish that I had paid more attention back then...maybe I could have seen the signs that were hidden.

 

But, is it possible for a reconnection? Or am I wasting time? GA to CA is a long way. Long way.

 

Not sure what all that means, but there you go.

[RinconBlueEyes]

I hope ya'll don't mind me talking about Harley. Been doing a lot of thinking about her.

 

I think that back then, in my mind, that getting my brains screwed out on the first date wasn't indicative of wifey material. Maybe that's one reason why I eventually went out with my ex-wife. Maybe it was all the partying (nothing heavy like drugs and stuff) and sexing we had done that made me think like that. Maybe it was that coupled with the fact that she didn't show feelings like other women I had dated.

 

You see, Harley was a very strong willed woman who was climbing the ranks in the Army. Maybe that's something else that sort of shied me away from having the feelings talk with her.

 

I think what I am trying to say is that I was scared of being hurt, so I just went along with the dating. I had no idea that she was that serious. In the old letter, she stated that she had planned for us to go on a trip...and that she was going to bare all and that she had wanted to get married...maybe even she was going to ask me. But, before she had the chance the betrayal happened.

 

I never really gave her the chance she deserved and needed. She is unlike any other that I have dated. Any other. I know it's been a long time - but is this even possible? Should I just chalk this up to a loss? I can't move out there and her family is where she lives now.

 

No, I am not replacing one loss with another. She could, and should, have been the one I married. I just never knew.

 

 

Time, regrets, and guilt. A hell of a combination.

[RinconBlueEyes]

You know, even though I have thought of Harley over the years, it has been quite some time that I have really thought about things. I sort of put her in a box up on a shelf and opened it only occasionally like when certain dates came up or her congrats messages. I know she won't ever see this, but if she ever did she'd know. I have so many regrets about the way things worked out. And I wish to see her in person if I could - that facetime we did was amazing. We talked as if we had never stopped talking.

 

I see now that she is more wifey material than my ex ever was. I know it may seem I'm trying to look for something to ease my divorce, but that ship had sailed for a while now. I knew back in 2014 that she was hiding stuff and our relationship began to falter. So, I've had more than a year to remove her from my life. We only talk now concerning the children, and that's it. I don't know what made me marry my ex - I thought it was right and that she was a good person - and in many ways she is a great person, but she has so many monkeys on her back that it wouldn't have worked if I was someone out of the movies. I talk to certain family members of hers from time to time and am kept in the loop. Funny, they were shocked to learn of her cheating. But that's another story.

 

I do miss Harley. I miss the way her eyes looked and the feel of her skin. After all these years, I can still taste her. Tell me, am I just living in a fantasy?

 

Time, regrets, and guilt. A hell of a combination.

[RinconBlueEyes]

So, I didn't talk to her last night. I figured maybe its best for her to make the next move. I know that we can only make the best decisions given whats in front of us at the time and that we shouldn't look back and think "what if," but this is genuinely a situation where I messed up.

 

I have been doing a lot of reading on here and must say this is an awesome site - the help and support is tremendous. I feel home here. I know my situation doesn't make sense to many on here, hell - it doesn't make sense to me, either.

 

So, today's question is this - why do ya'll think the letter was sent? Why has she kept in some form of minor contact all these years? Am I being given a bit of vindictive medicine by her since I hurt her so bad? Am I living in a fantasy here by thinking maybe, just maybe there is a chance?

 

It's kind of rainy here today and the conditions are so much like they were during my favorite rainy days with Harley. Man those were good times...

[Wiseman2]

Try to keep your mind (and writing) in the present. You can't go backwards or change the past or live in the past.

 

As much as you are trying to recover from divorce, loneliness,etc. by digging up all the what ifs and shoulda woulda coulda...it will not help you heal from your divorce nor move on any better. Only therapy can do this and you can't force an old flame to resurrect your memories and rescue you.

 

If you can't handle the current and present situation with regard to reconnecting with this old flame and where things stand in the present moment, it means you are using ruminating and nostalgia to (unsuccessfully) obliterate divorce pain.

 

It would be best not to pressure this woman into joining you in the past, reminiscing, etc. so you can fantasize away pain. You can only live in the present and plan for the future. She has moved on with her life, her career, her child, her new location in Ca and you need to accept that.

She did email a pic of her and her son and said this is who I'd like you to meet. she wants to try to come back to the area to see...just to see. She said that before she considers anything she has a lot more thinking to do.

[RinconBlueEyes]

You are right, wiseman. Deep down I know that I just need to close that box again and put it on the shelf.

 

Try to keep your mind (and writing) in the present. You can't go backwards or change the past or live in the past.

 

As much as you are trying to recover from divorce, loneliness,etc. by digging up all the what ifs and shoulda woulda coulda...it will not help you heal from your divorce nor move on any better. Only therapy can do this and you can't force an old flame to resurrect your memories and rescue you.

 

If you can't handle the current and present situation with regard to reconnecting with this old flame and where things stand in the present moment, it means you are using ruminating and nostalgia to (unsuccessfully) obliterate divorce pain.

 

It would be best not to pressure this woman into joining you in the past, reminiscing, etc. so you can fantasize away pain. You can only live in the present and plan for the future. She has moved on with her life, her career, her child, her new location in Ca and you need to accept that.