Moving on after painful breakup

[MiNa9696]

Hi.

It's difficult to keep a long story short, so I decided to give a full account of it:

My ex-boyfriend and I broke up 4months ago after being together for over 2years. We lived together for 18months, and we have not had a single argument during this time; we have been very intimate, and had formed a secure lifestyle that accommodated the needs for both of us. He was always telling me that he wanted to marry me, and we often talked about realistic matters such as our career plans, buying a house and handling money matters including supporting children from his previous marriage. (He is 36, once-divorced father of three, and I'm 26; it was an office romance).

So it came to me as a shock when he suddenly stopped talking about planning the future together 2months prior to our relationship ended. I felt insecure that something we had been so sure about had just faded like that. At that time I was planning on making a big career move, and I really wanted him and our future put into perspective. I have on several occasions, asked him to give time to think, and talk through our options, which he just shurugged off, saying he was too busy with work. I waited for 2months, but just snapped one night and demanded he gives me a clear-cut answer as to where we were standing in the relationship. He just told me 'he doesn't know anymore','he had enough', and 'he doesn't want to go on like this'. I felt devastated, and after putting up a fight, accepted his decision and left our apartment on the same night.

 

We went NC for two weeks after breakup, as he was out of the country on business trip. After he came back, I asked him for my possessions back by text, and he politely agreed; he even brought them to my place. We dated again the next day to go see a play that we had promised to see while still in a relationship; we had dinner together (at which point he said 'let's come here again together'), he walked me back to my place and we had sex. I knew it was wrong, but when I asked him 'do you still miss me?' and 'do you still love me?' he answered 'yes' to both questions. After that night, he did not contact me, and when I asked him to go on another date, he politely refused.

 

Another two weeks passed, and I was pathetic enough to drunk-dialed him (he, ofcourse, did not pick up). Two weeks later, after much hesitation, I apologised to him for my immaturity. At this point, 7weeks passed from out initial breakup. He replied to me saying 'sorry I didn't pick up' and said that he wanted to meet me that night. We met up, and as we took a walk in the neighbourhood, he suddenly pulled me close and kissed me. He suggested that we go back to his place, and again, we had sex. That night he asked me 'do you still love me?', at which I decided not to say anything, but nodded. The next morning he woke me up and said 'Oops my bad, I was drunk. Maybe you should go home and we never see eachother again for the benefit of us both' - it hurt me very much. I asked him I wanted at least a proper closure, to which he agreed 'when we're both feeling normal'.

 

It has been 3months since, and I contacted him once during this time to update him on my career move (becaused he was always so supportive about this, I just wanted to share the good news), to which he replied 'good for you. By the way, sorry I'm not being able to make time to talk to you properly' - despite saying this, he has never initiated contact himself. We occasionally come across at workplace, but he chooses to ignore me by turning his face away when I walk by.

 

I'm gradually starting to accept that he is no longer interested in amending things, or contacting me in any ways. As much as I am still deeply hurt from his words and actions, I understand there is no point in asking him, or even attempting to understand his thoughts and feelings regarding these events. Although I don't want to go through any of the frustration and devastation I have felt over the past months again, there is still part of me who feels strongly for him, and incomplete unless I get given a proper closure.

What can I do to overcome this pain?

[greta96]

Closure is not something that is given, closure comes from within, you give it to yourself by accepting that for whatever personal reason this guy didn't want to continue the relationship with you, which means you two were not meant to be together and that the search for a better matched partner continues. Life goes on, but in order for that to happen you have to make peace with the past and look into the future.

There is nothing he can tell you that will make you feel better about the breakup. Even for myself, I can't think of anything an ex of mine could tell me that would make me feel like "ah, finally now I can forget all about the hurt he caused me and I can just erase him from my memory". What could he possibly say, to give you "closure"? He will never tell you the real reasons for the breakup because I'm sure he doesn't want to hurt you any further, so he will just make up something that he thinks you would like to hear...a bunch of nonsense that means close to nothing.

 

Give yourself closure and stop telling yourself that you feel incomplete without it. You are still the same person you were before he entered your life, yes you are suffering right now, but you will absolutely bounce back and find love again with someone else. And stop putting him on a pedestal, because a man who uses you for sex after breaking up with you, then says "oops I was drunk, move along" and then ignores you when he walks by is just not someone you should be shedding tears for!

[SherrySher]

Stay away from him. Don't go running if he ever contacts you again to meet. It sounds as though the last two times, he just used you for sex. Keep yourself busy with family and friends, even date. Do your best to move past him and don't keep letting him bring your down. Truthfully? He sounds like a jerk. You had closure the day after you last had sex with him and then he refused to see you. Don't let someone treat you that badly.

[Pretzel]

I'm sorry for what you have been through. You sound a lot more reasonable than me. I would have probably demanded an explanation and closure chat. And well, if he had refused, I would have thought tremendously low of him and written him off on that basis. You've been patient, but he owed you a proper chat about that and should have shed some light on his behaviour. And now I feel a lot of time has gone by, the more you wait for this 'closure' to happen, the longer it will be until the First Day of you Moving on. Time is precious and you're wasting it by your subconscious still being hooked on this previous relationship in hope of it being one day resolved in your mind. As other posters have said, unfortunately this isn't something that you can rely on anymore and you have to find closure by yourself, somehow, and just move on with your life. It sounds as if he's really messed up to be honest. And selfish, self-centered. Do you know why he was previously divorced? It does sound as if he used you but not just for sex, for intimacy as well. Often people don't understand that using someone for intimacy is just as damaging.

I can't stress how much you should move on and take your focus elsewhere, and seek what you deserve only.

[MiNa9696]

Thank you.

Although I am fully aware that closure should come from within myself, I am not in total control of my own mind to be able to consicously let things go.

It is true that I am putting him on a high pedestal here, but having known what he had been like at work, and how he hs always been a respectable professional, it is very difficult to put him down 😞

Probably because it is so much easier to wallow in self-pity and blame myself (like saying "if only I haven't said that" or "if only I had been more understanding of his feelings") than to accept that we were not meant to be after such valuable time spent together.

 

What would be an average time taken to overcome such loss? and what would be the best practise for letting go?

 

BTW: the reason for his divorce (so he said) was due to his ex-wife cheating on him. He still seemed hurt by the whole experience, and often bad-mouthed her to me. Knowing how self-centred he could be at times (and he admitted that to me -"that's me but you still love me right?"), I can't say that he isn't reaponsible for events that lead up to it.

 

Still, considering how hurt he seemed, and how much he had helped me over the years, I feel sad that we couldn't be together, or more that I couldn't make him entirely happy.

[Pretzel]

Thank you.

Although I am fully aware that closure should come from within myself, I am not in total control of my own mind to be able to consicously let things go.

It is true that I am putting him on a high pedestal here, but having known what he had been like at work, and how he hs always been a respectable professional, it is very difficult to put him down 😞

Probably because it is so much easier to wallow in self-pity and blame myself (like saying "if only I haven't said that" or "if only I had been more understanding of his feelings") than to accept that we were not meant to be after such valuable time spent together.

 

What would be an average time taken to overcome such loss? and what would be the best practise for letting go?

 

BTW: the reason for his divorce (so he said) was due to his ex-wife cheating on him. He still seemed hurt by the whole experience, and often bad-mouthed her to me. Knowing how self-centred he could be at times (and he admitted that to me -"that's me but you still love me right?"), I can't say that he isn't reaponsible for events that lead up to it.

 

Still, considering how hurt he seemed, and how much he had helped me over the years, I feel sad that we couldn't be together, or more that I couldn't make him entirely happy.

 

Of course you are going to feel sad about that....that's normal. And you should allow yourself to feel that grief. The death of a relationship should be dealt with and mourned like any other loss. And you'll get past it. If it wasn't meant to work it would have...he's troubled and can't respect the relationship as much as he should have by toying around at the end like that and not explaining his actions. It's a bad sign when someone is bad mouthing their previous partner (in my opinion), and well, being self-centered is the worst trait in a relationship. He'll never be able to put you first because he's always putting himself first. That doesn't mean to say he doesn't or never cared about you, it just means he doesn't know how to make you a priority. Don't confuse his work persona with his real life persona. They are so very different. Please don't delude yourself.... you deserve so much better than this.

[greta96]

Quite a lot of cheaters, or even worse, criminals, psychopaths, have been known to be very charming and seemingly trustworthy on the outside, towards their colleagues, neighbors etc. That doesn't mean they are still not rotten inside or capable of being jerks in their close personal relationships. I'm not saying this particular guy is a jerk in general, but he was a jerk to you and that's all that matters. He wasn't a jerk because he ended the relationship, hey things happen, not all relationships are meant to last, but he was a jerk for everything he did afterwards, especially for taking advantage of your feelings and using you for sex, only to discard you afterwards. So, nothing to put on a pedestal here.

 

Don't fall into the trap of blaming yourself! It wasn't you, it was him. Whether he was not ready to seriously date anyone, or whether he didn't feel you were "the one" for him, it doesn't matter, fact is that it was his decision to end things and he would have done so regardless of anything you may or may not have said/done.

 

There is no way to predict how long it will take you to feel better about the breakup, probably a little longer because you are still forced to see him, which usually prolongs the moving on process. It also depends on you, the faster you switch your mentality from that of a passive victim (expecting him to give you closure, keeping him at the forefront of your thoughts) to a take-charge kind of person (as in "I'm better off without him, if this is the kind of person he is"), the sooner you'll be able to move on and feel better.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like he wasn't ready for a relationship and led you on somewhat.

 

Pull your self esteem together and go no contact and block him. Never sleep with a guy who breaks up then throws you out.

 

How long after his divorce did you date/move in? It sounds like you dodged a bullet.

He is 36, once-divorced father of three, and I'm 26; it was an office romance. He just told me 'he doesn't know anymore','he had enough', and 'he doesn't want to go on like this'. I asked him for my possessions back by text, and he politely agreed; he even brought them to my place.

[MiNa9696]

How long after his divorce did you date/move in? It sounds like you dodged a bullet.

 

It was probably less than a year after he got divorced, when I started dating him (yes - I now started to understand that I may have been his rebound girl) Although I was reluctant to go into a relationship considering his situation, I gradually started to feel comfortable being around him, as he had been so kind and considerate for most of the time we were together. Tbh, if he wasn't ready to move on, I really didn't want him mentioning buying a property together on the evening he broke up with me (it confused me alot and kind of gave me false hope)

 

Going NC is fine as long as I restrain myself 😛 Afterall, I'm not hearing from him at all,so he's probably over me. Completely.

[boltnrun]

Believe it or not, he's being kind by not contacting you.

 

Would you prefer he text you, asking how you are or how your day was going? Knowing that those texts were all you were going to get from him? Agonizing over what it MEANS if he says he hopes you had a good day??

 

Or, do you want to try to be "friends"? And someday meet his new girlfriend, because of course you'll need to meet her, you're FRIENDS!

 

Nope, him leaving you alone is the best gift he can give you. No false hope, no wondering what every single word MEANS, no wondering if he's contacting you because he "misses" you. Eventually you will be grateful he left you alone.

[MiNa9696]

Believe it or not, he's being kind by not contacting you.

Or, do you want to try to be "friends"? And someday meet his new girlfriend, because of course you'll need to meet her, you're FRIENDS!

 

It isn't that I want to do those trivial everyday talks with him. Nor do I want to make friends with him.

Please don't say that his actions or lack of respect upon ending our relationship is an act of "kindness".

He could have apologized,explained and ended this so that I don't sit here expecting he'd do so as he promised. And I should just stop wishing for what I'm not going to get and snap out of this.

It just shows how sh*t he and I both are at handling breakup.

[boltnrun]

I didn't say his actions at the end of the relationship were kind. Nor did I say any lack of respect on his part was kind.

 

What I did say is him not contacting you NOW is kind. It would give you false hope and would have you wondering what every word "meant" if he did contact you.

 

He didn't do right by you at the end, so why would him contacting you now be a good idea?

 

"Closure" is you realizing that he isn't going to give you what you want in a relationship, regardless of what he said before.

 

And every relationship involves saying things in the beginning that don't always work out. Heck, I vowed in church before all my family and friends that I would stay married to my husband "til death do us part", and he vowed the same thing. Well we're divorced now, so those words, while meant at the time, no longer apply because it turned out that we were wrong for one another. We did not intend to deceive one another. And me reaching out to him to say hi or me thinking I need "closure" has no bearing on whatever is happening in our lives now.

 

Waiting for closure is just a way to try to hang on to the relationship, to make it last just a little bit longer.

 

Your closure is realizing that the wrong man is out of the way, so now the right man can find you.

[MiNa9696]

Not really a reply to anyone, but just my though for the day:

 

So my phone broke last night, and I ended up getting my old phone out just get the alarm clock set. And there I rather unexpectedly found, photos and messenger history from when we started dating - what a total b*tch I was to my ex back then!

Despite all my snide remarks, negativity and denial, he stuck by me. He helped me get through my anxiety issues, alcohol abuse and dependency on sleeping pills and minor tranquilizers due to my insomnia. Simultaneously, he was probably taking his mind off the grief of divorce and separation from his children. It may have been a case of co-dependency, where we both sought for intimacy and affection from another person (I mean, he started to mention marriage 2months into the relationship).

Overtime, this co-dependency however, became something more meaningful. Something special that I thought could cherish throughout my life; although this may not have been the case on his end.

I took time reading my messenger history. Although it brought tears to my eyes, reminiscing all the good things that happened to us made me smile a lot.

He seemed to have tried hard to get to know me, and I tried hard to maintain what seemed to me like his affection, and even plan a future together- perhaps our peaks for 'making the best effort' for each other were just off beat, and that is probably why we didn't work out.

 

Recently as I was speaking to a colleague of mine, she gave me a very reasonable insight about our breakup:

''Your ex lead you far; he has lead you through difficult times in life, and he lead you to think for yourself about your future. I am sure he has taught you many things in life that are valuable to you. Unfortunately though, he wasn't a good enough teacher or a leader to continue doing that throughout your lifetime. Appreciate all that he has done for you, keep only the good memories. Try not to linger on the pain and all things bad that happened.''

 

Putting all these together, everything is now starting to connect, and the notion ''we were not meant to be'' is making better sense to me.

Although it may take some more time to completely let go (and occasionally, I might return to pining and crying over what is lost), I am starting to think eventually, at my own pace, I will be able to find that closure for myself and move on. I may even be able to forgive him for all his jerk-ish behaviour and (with all sincerity) wish his happiness.