questioning everything

[inside]

I am in my late twenties and am dating a man in his late thirties. I have been in a long-distance relationship for a few years now. Our friendship started on an online dating website and developed to where we talked every single day. He never wanted to talk on the phone or video chat. I wanted to see what he looked like so I sent him a camera and he posted photos for me. I was not physically attracted to him, but continued to talk with him because he was friendly and supportive of me. I did not feel I was in a relationship with him even though we always ended up talking about our love for each other. Something about it felt fake because we had never even met before. I ended up meeting a different man who lives in the same area as me and started dating him while remaining friends and talking to this man I am with now. During this time he made me feel horrible for dating someone else. I found out later that he also was with someone else during the same time. I often questioned him for treating me so badly when I was with another guy and he was dating someone else as well. Anyway, we talked for 2 years online before meeting. I was hesitant to meet him because he lives about three hours away and I do not have a car. He did not want to come to visit me because he is not good at driving to new places. So when I finally went to meet him I had to take a greyhound bus. I was frightened because I had never done anything like this before and I had no friends who could swoop in and save me if he turned out to be a psychopath. He was insistent on meeting me and even made a deadline. It was late in the wee hours of the morning when I arrived. He could not pick me up from the station because he had never driven there before and was worried he would get lost. I took a cab to his home and we met face to face. Since then, we mostly talk online, but I have made the same trip to visit him in order to feel like I am in a real relationship. In total, I think I have been face to face with him about 20 times out of the 5 years of our "relationship." This is not the kind of relationship I can feel comfortable in. I feel like a ghost of my previous self. Before meeting him I told him this would happen and that it would be difficult for us to ever spend time together like a real couple. He assured me it would not be like that and he would make visits to me too. This has never happened.

I do not see this situation changing anytime soon. He has told me that the main goal is to get me to move in with him and then we would be together properly. I always knew it would turn out like this and I guess I just wanted to know other people's thoughts on it. I don't have anyone I can talk to about this. I really feel like I am being played for a fool. I know of at least two times he has cheated on me. One of the times was where he almost got a woman pregnant, but it was a false alarm. The second time was when I got in a big argument with him and told him I was done with him. Apparently that same night he found someone else. I was surprised at how fast he moved on considering his claim of me being the only one for him. I think he is the type of man who has other women on hold in case something happens with his current girlfriend. While I don't entirely blame him for the second time that happened because I did end things with him (though he did move on very quickly,) I do blame him for the first time. Is there anyone who can give me advice on this please? I do not have any friends to talk to about this. I'm so confused and so saddened by the way my life is going. I just need to hear something true from someone honest. Am I wasting my time? Have I been fooled? Does he only want me for sex and when I make it easily available? Why has he never made any real effort for me when I have jumped over several scary hurdles just to meet him?

[abitbroken]

Please reread this.

 

I was not physically attracted to him, but continued to talk with him because he was friendly and supportive of me. I did not feel I was in a relationship with him even though we always ended up talking about our love for each other. Something about it felt fake because we had never even met before. I ended up meeting a different man who lives in the same area as me and started dating him while remaining friends and talking to this man I am with now.

 

You did not feel any attraction for this man, but continued to communicate to pass the time. You did not feel strongly enough about eachother to meet sooner and you also dated others which also shows your lack of any true interest. Because you don't drive and he has his own fears of driving - you both were "safe" for eachother because there really was no risk of meeting.

 

You had to jump through hoops to go see him, and even if he didn't drive, he made no provisions for your safety. You could have never found a cab, ended up in the wrong place, etc. And to top it off you did the very unsafe thing of going to his home straightaway instead of staying at a hotel for the night, meeting in a public place and not going home with him to see if there was anything there.

 

I really feel like I am being played for a fool.

 

You are also playing yourself for fool. You know very little about this man - he could be married, he could be lying about not wanting to drive, etc, and he really drives everywhere but doesn't want to show the mileage on his car or be seen. What you do know is he either has a serious girlfriend that is not you and you are the woman on the side, or he is cheating. maybe he is sleeping with many.

 

I would end things with him immediately and never see, nor talk to him again.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you are wasting your time and energy on this LDR. He's not a good person. What happened to the local guy? It would be best to cut this confusing almost nonexistent lazy guy out of your life.

 

5 yrs and 3 hrs apart and you are forced to go there by bus/cab etc.? Sorry he is a loser. You need to detach from this and the illusion that it's a relationship. You can do much better than this.

I ended up meeting a different man who lives in the same area as me and started dating him while remaining friends and talking to this man I am with now. I had to take a greyhound bus. I took a cab to his home and we met face to face. I think I have been face to face with him about 20 times out of the 5 years of our "relationship."

[bunzana]

Are you afraid that there is no one else out there for you? Are you afraid of being single. Because I am getting the impression that you are just settling with this guy and this "relationship". You have put up with a lot, much more then I would have. He has cheated, almost got another woman pregnant and has made no real effort in this relationship. You did not say one positive thing about him in this post. What do you like about him? What makes him so great that you are willing to jump through all these hoops, and hold on to this unfulfilling relationship for 5 years?

[inside]

I do feel like I am settling with this relationship. I think I am afraid of being alone. I had a problem with friends who would use me, so I had to get rid of all of them. It was incredibly lonely. I decided to remove alcohol from my life completely and I became more withdrawn when I had no friends to talk to. The positive thing he did was help me get back into school. He helped me study (even though it was not in person) and he was very supportive of my efforts. I ended up going back and I am doing fairly well. I am grateful for his support, no one has been this supportive of me before. I think he's a caring person who likes to help, but I don't think he wants a relationship that makes him leave his comfort zone. Most all people know that a woman should meet a man in person in a public place during the day. He did not seem to understand that and blamed me, saying I was making up excuses for not wanting to come see him. I do feel manipulated by his ultimatum and deadline to go meet him. I broke things off with the other guy I had been seeing for this man. I don't know what he wants me for. He claims he loves me and wants me with him, but I only ever see him once every 4 months when the school semester ends. I think he is used to these kinds of relationships. I am not and he knows that. I guess I made a lot of bad choices and it was so stupid of me to meet him without any safety net.

[moodindigo91]

How is a grown man unable to drive somewhere in his hometown? Fear of getting lost? Does he not have a phone/GPS like everyone else?

 

HE made you feel like crap for seeing someone else.

HE gave you a "deadline" to meet him, but forced you to put in all the effort to make that meeting happen

HE cheated on you

YOU are not even attracted to him nor have you ever felt comfortable in this relationship

YOU even feel hesitant to call it a relationship to the point where you put the word in quotations

 

Tell me how this lasted 5 years? Stop wasting your time on this, please.

 

FYI, you HAVE been alone for 5 years basically. There's nothing to be afraid of then.

[Tinkyonks]

Ditto what everyone else has said...red flags are...

 

He never wanted to talk on the phone or video chat... if he was honest and open this wouldn't be the case no matter what excuse he comes up with.

 

I sent him a camera... he couldn't even buy it himself? He didn't care enough to do that, I'm sorry.

 

Something about it felt fake... that was your instinct telling you what we're telling you now, but you rationalised as we all stupidly do, try to listen to your instinct, it's trying to protect you from getting to where you are now.

 

I did not feel I was in a relationship, we ended up talking about our love for each other... he knew that's what you wanted to hear, you are there to stroke his ego only. Talk is very cheap, people can say anything they like but it doesn't mean it's true, actions speak louder than words, the camera, the bus, the taxi, they're actions.

 

He moved on quickly... Yes because it's just a game to him and he is not a nice person. If he was he would not be using you because he would know that this is wrong.

 

YOU know this is wrong, you know you deserve more, you can carry on ignoring your own feelings about this and make it harder to meet someone nice, and be here in another 5 years (of the same), or you can listen to what you instincts are telling you that you are worth so much more than this.

 

You deserve to feel special, as we all do. X

[Tinkyonks]

He helped me study (even though it was not in person) and he was very supportive of my efforts. I ended up going back and I am doing fairly well. I am grateful for his support, no one has been this supportive of me before.

 

You think he's a caring person because he gave you careers guidance from the comfort of his couch...is it caring that he made you buy a Camera? Get in taxis and buses to see him? Cheated? Ignored your need for a proper Relationship? Strung you Along?

 

He isn't caring, he's very very selfish.

 

You haven't experienced someone being there for you so you are willing to take any tiny snippet of care. A stranger could have supported you back in school, and guess what YOU did the hard bit, YOU are doing well, he was just the catalyst for that, but if any of us on here had known you at that time we could've encouraged you too, but you wouldn't have been in a relationship with us.

 

You have very low expectations of a relationship, very low, and when you keep doing what you've always done you'll keep getting what you've always got...if you want to feel better about yourself you have to do something different. It will feel weird, uncomfortable, horrible at times, at first, until you get through it, but you CAN change this. Maybe you will need some counselling to help you along the Way?

 

Feel free to message me too, I have loads of time on my hand cos my care less bf finished with me! Lol So hey, I'll invest in helping you feel better and we all Win! And you don't have to feel bad about yourself in the process.

 

Girl power lol