female friend doesn't want to hang out anymore

[tom1607307597]

So I'm not sure what happened but a female friend of mine doesn't want to hang out with me anymore. We first met when she came to my old university over a year ago. She had to leave suddenly due to a pretty bad accident and then came back a year later back to the states. Coincidentally she moved pretty close to where I'm living to now. She seemed happy to see me initially. We hung out twice since she arrived but she she has been acting weird lately. I've talked to her about what's wrong but she is giving alot of short answers, excuses not to meet up, and overall being distant. I'm just looking for input on what might have happened but here's some highlights:

 

1. We first met up to grab food at a restaurant and afterwards grabbed dessert. I didn't want to pay for either so it wouldn't seem like it was a date, but felt bad about dessert. she wouldn't let me pay for it though.

2. I invited her to a coworker's house party. at the party I made an effort to mingle but also not leave her alone all night. afterwards I invited her over to watch a comedy movie because I didn't want to feel like a chauffeur driving to and from the party (it was a long drive). I figured she wouldn't mind hanging out a little bit longer. nothing happened and I didn't do anything that might have implied more than friends

3. After that she became increasingly busy. One week she was at a wedding, which she had told me about before. another time she didn't have money to go out and when I offered to pay for her she refused saying she wants to be fair with her friends.

4. After that she said she had to go to the emergency room for an allergic reaction but in her facebook posts she seems fine.

5. I've tried clarifying with her that we're just friends and that I don't want her to be uncomfortable. she has no problem hanging out with friends she met at her community college but has a problem seeing me.

 

A friend of mine suggested that she thought I was trying to go out with her, since hitting her up so often and being alone with her would make it seem like I want to date her. If that's the case why wasn't she relieved to hear me say we're just friends? I don't think I came across as interested. Even if I was, it was the "shy-guy who will never make a move on you" type of interest. I'm planning on leaving her alone and only messaging her if I can get a group of friends together to hang out so she doesn't get the wrong idea. It's driving me crazy because I haven't been having much luck in making friends outside of work and this is a serious blow to me in some ways.

[Kaykayxo]

What your friend suggested would be my guess. Perhaps she just doesn't have a whole lot of platonic, male-female friendships or is used to men luring her in as "friends" therefore she is withdrawing from you. Maybe she just felt unsure or was developing non-platonic feelings on her own accord, which she did not want to feel thus stopped herself from spending too much time around you.

 

It doesn't really matter, there could be multiple explanations. You did what you could to try to "clear the air" and didn't do anything creepy or wrong so I would just leave it. If it is seriously bothering you, you could just flat out ask why she is ghosting/acting different. Sometimes people behave in ways that do not make sense and there is little we can do about that.

[ken78]

well, sometimes its better not to ask questions and accept it. your step 1 reminded me of meeting someone which got complicated. for all intents and purposes I thought it was a date(we met on a dating site, she dated many other people while were friends from that site)...it started as a date, later to learn that she "friended" me that first nite because I didnt make a fuss about picking up the check at the end, she told me that she was feigning when she said go dutch.... I didn't haggle because another girl I dated the week before gave me the side-eye when I offered to pick up the check with her. TL;DR, damned if you do, damned if you don't but you'll never/rarely get an explanation or satisfaction...in fact, harping on it could lead to more discomfort, whatever happened has past and choices were made and theres no going back to "normal".

[Wiseman2]

Agree with your friend's theory that she may not want to lead you on if you've been hanging out so much. She may also have her sights set on a real bf.

A friend of mine suggested that she thought I was trying to go out with her, since hitting her up so often and being alone with her would make it seem like I want to date her.

[tom1607307597]

After looking back through my messages it looks like I came off as over eager to hang out. I was messaging her about once a week. That and making a fuss about friends able to buy each other food was about the only things that may have been the problem. The thing is she never messaged me first, so I had to message her to hang out

 

What your friend suggested would be my guess. Perhaps she just doesn't have a whole lot of platonic, male-female friendships or is used to men luring her in as "friends" therefore she is withdrawing from you. Maybe she just felt unsure or was developing non-platonic feelings on her own accord, which she did not want to feel thus stopped herself from spending too much time around you.

 

It doesn't really matter, there could be multiple explanations. You did what you could to try to "clear the air" and didn't do anything creepy or wrong so I would just leave it. If it is seriously bothering you, you could just flat out ask why she is ghosting/acting different. Sometimes people behave in ways that do not make sense and there is little we can do about that.

 

I suspect she told her new friends about me and they thought I was trying to date her. Thanks, I've cleared this up as much as I could. Even told her directly she's not my type but oh well. She's the type of person who is very indirect and I'll probably never hear her reason why unless it's through a mutual friend.

 

well, sometimes its better not to ask questions and accept it. your step 1 reminded me of meeting someone which got complicated. for all intents and purposes I thought it was a date(we met on a dating site, she dated many other people while were friends from that site)...it started as a date, later to learn that she "friended" me that first nite because I didnt make a fuss about picking up the check at the end, she told me that she was feigning when she said go dutch.... I didn't haggle because another girl I dated the week before gave me the side-eye when I offered to pick up the check with her. TL;DR, damned if you do, damned if you don't but you'll never/rarely get an explanation or satisfaction...in fact, harping on it could lead to more discomfort, whatever happened has past and choices were made and theres no going back to "normal".

 

That's interesting because the first time I met this girl recently there was an awkward pause after getting the bill. Almost like she was waiting for me to offer to pay. Typically if I ask a girl out I don't want to pay on the first date unless it feels like one; in this case I never intended it to be a date.

 

Agree with your friend's theory that she may not want to lead you on if you've been hanging out so much. She may also have her sights set on a real bf.

 

We only hung out twice over a month, so it wasn't all that much. She could be. I don't know much about her personal life in the first place. It's kind of shame because we were talking about tutoring each other. I was supposed to help her with chemistry and she was supposed to help me learn French.

[Wiseman2]

Garder les choses amicales. Améliorez votre chimie. L'impressionner avec vos connaissances. Focus sur ce sujet.

It's kind of shame because we were talking about tutoring each other. I was supposed to help her with chemistry and she was supposed to help me learn French.