GF can't come to my big event

[SilverGold]

Hi everyone,

 

I hope this is the correct category.

 

I have been with my girlfriend for 8 months, and our most recent fight is about the upcoming Saturday. I have a singing recital with my teacher and her class that day, and I've told my girlfriend about it 2 months ago to invite her although we'd never set anything in stone.

 

this past Friday, she told me that she most likely wouldn't be able to come. When I asked her why, she said it's because she wants to spend time with her family (her parents are divorced thus she and her sibling spend one weekend at her dad's, then at her mom's). I was initially heartbroken - I think. I had asked her several times if she was coming or not to the recital, and she kept saying that she'd have to see because she wasn't even sure whose weekend it was. And to learn only one week before the recital that she'd rather spend time with her family than come to this once-a-year event (not kidding; my next recital will be in late 2017) left a really bad taste, especially since I had to ask her (if I hadn't kept asking she'd probably have told me 2 days before the recital... but that's just how she is, we're trying to change that forgetfulness).

 

Actually, it wasn't really that she'd "rather" see her family, the issue was that she'd spent the last 3 weekends at my house (we don't live together as you may have guessed) and that she finally had the chance to do something with her dad, sibling, and dad's girlfriend (and said woman's kids). So yeah, I do understand there's a lot of people involved... but they'll have time to do this again before December.

 

It didn't really help. I can realise she wants to spend time with me, she does tell me that, but I really wanted her to come to the recital and I don't think she understands how much this meant to me no matter what I say.

I'm not always reasonable with her (strangely!), but I don't think I'm overreacting. As much as I know she would want to come, I just can't get my head around the fact that my recital happens once a year and she sees her dad+sibling every other weekend.

 

What would the more experienced among you have done? How did you deal with a similar situation? On a side note... we're each other's first SO but we're still students. As a general rule, can I expect her to put me above everyone else at some point? Is this how it works in long-term relationships? Because I would do this for her, if she only did it for me.

 

Thanks. I hope my topic is easy enough to follow, I can always clarify some points.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately no. She has friends, family, her own school/work, interests so you can be a big part of her life but not the only part. Perhaps express to her in a non argumentative, entitled or demanding way that it would mean a lot to you if she could come. How old is she?

As a general rule, can I expect her to put me above everyone else at some point?

[j.man]

I would have let it go. It's your day, not hers. She obviously weighs her family very heavily and where core values are concerned, there is no argument to be had.

[ThatwasThen]

What time is the recital? Is there any chance that she and her dad could attend and that way she can kill two men wanting her attention with one stone?

 

Does her father live far away or something and that compromise would be impossible?

[SilverGold]

Unfortunately no. She has friends, family, her own school/work, interests so you can be a big part of her life but not the only part. Perhaps express to her in a non argumentative, entitled or demanding way that it would mean a lot to you if she could come. How old is she?

 

Thank you for your reply. I've heard many married couples claim that they could put their spouse above everything else in that they always thought of them first. Of course, if my situation were the same expect I did not have the recital, I wouldn't have felt what I did about her not coming. I suppose I was also taken aback by a sudden realization that I'll elaborate below. To answer your question, she is 17 and I'm slightly older.

 

I would have let it go. It's your day, not hers. She obviously weighs her family very heavily and where core values are concerned, there is no argument to be had.

 

I've come to understand this about her, but at the same time I can't really. Her family is absolutely not picture-perfect - believe me, I could write a book about her dad's aggressive behaviour and her mom's manipulative nature.

I've helped her understand this though I wouldn't paint myself as her white knight in shining armour rescuing her from an abusive family. Before I dated her, she saw no fault in her father's behaviour and she would defend anything he did even if it *ed her over. For example, he often goes out to the gym leaving her home alone and has asked her repeatedly that she be already in front of the TV when he comes back. She's never done it, thankfully. That's just one example.

This explains why I have reservations about her family, and yet I do understand on some level that one can't simply push away family... but she's stated wanting nothing more than to live with me.

 

 

What I wanted to mention above ties in with her parents' nature. For most of our relationship, she slept at my house every other weekend, usually while it was her mother's weekend. It was always terribly difficult if not impossible to see her during her father's weekend for one reason or another. Last Monday, they decided to change this: she would come over during her father's weekends, and visit her mother the rest of the time. And yet, we haven't even had time to try out this plan seeing that next weekend is her father's and she'll stay home. I suppose I distrust this new organisation when we can't even try it out one week later.

I suppose I am also wary that if we ever live together (which could be as soon as 1.5 year from now, after getting our diplomas) she would never really be able to "wean" off her family and, I don't know, possibly spending her weekends with them as she does with me now.

[ThatwasThen]

Then if you know all of this, why are you continuing on in the relationship?

[SilverGold]

Then if you know all of this, why are you continuing on in the relationship?

 

Despite her many flaws (or what I perceive to be flaws), she is really great... she just needs to figure it out. We actually broke up once not long ago because I was at the end of my rope regarding these various flaws (the biggest of which is her difficulty to express her feelings and thoughts adequately). We talked about it, and got back together in a trial period. She definitely quickly improved.

 

She's been dealt a bad hand. On top of her parents, she's never really been able to make friends and her self-esteem was absolute 0. Still, she's getting there.

 

I can't deny I'm doubtful about our future. There are many questions neither of us can answer yet, I mentioned them briefly in my previous post. She still is a great person underneath, there are many things I haven't told you. I want to be there when she'll become that person.

[Wiseman2]

Happily married couples have varied lives and retain their individuality while being committed to each other. However you are not married, not even in a secure relationship and teenagers.

 

It would be best to stop trying to sever her from her family. She's a minor and you are way out of line. They may be dysfunctional in your eyes or she complains about them but your attitude is controlling and condescending and will ultimately backfire.

 

You are trying to sever her from her family, isolate her and control and fix and remake her...all red flags, not to mention insisting she "place you above everyone".

I've heard many married couples claim that they could put their spouse above everything else in that they always thought of them first she is 17 and I'm slightly older.Before I dated her, she saw no fault in her father's behaviour. I suppose I am also wary that if we ever live together (which could be as soon as 1.5 year from now, after getting our diplomas) she would never really be able to "wean" off her family and, I don't know, possibly spending her weekends with them as she does with me now.

[ThatwasThen]

Despite her many flaws (or what I perceive to be flaws), she is really great... she just needs to figure it out. We actually broke up once not long ago because I was at the end of my rope regarding these various flaws (the biggest of which is her difficulty to express her feelings and thoughts adequately). We talked about it, and got back together in a trial period. She definitely quickly improved.

 

She's been dealt a bad hand. On top of her parents, she's never really been able to make friends and her self-esteem was absolute 0. Still, she's getting there.

 

I can't deny I'm doubtful about our future. There are many questions neither of us can answer yet, I mentioned them briefly in my previous post. She still is a great person underneath, there are many things I haven't told you. I want to be there when she'll become that person.

 

Instead of trying to mold her into the person you want to be with, why don't you do her the favor of letting her go so that she can find a guy that wants her as she is?

 

You are sounding a lot like you want to take over the father role from the father.

[Ms Darcy]

One thing that will help her self-esteem is being able to control what she does and who she spends time with. She can do what she wants with her time; you don't control her.

 

She's a teen and you are not married. So don't compare yourself to married couples.

[boltnrun]

What I can't wrap my head around is that she's 17 and allowed to spend the night at your house.

 

But, apparently that's a thing these days...parents allowing their teens to spend the night at their boyfriend or girlfriend's house. Then they're absolutely shocked when there's a pregnancy.

 

"Despite her many flaws (or what I perceive to be flaws)..." Wow, really??

 

I guess you want to mold her into who you think she should be. Don't be surprised when she starts resisting.

[catfeeder]

she is 17 and I'm slightly older.

 

My heart goes out to you, but your expectations are too high for this girl's time of life, and your planning was poor to have her stay with you a few weekends before this event and then blame her when her family pressures closed in on her now.

 

I'd accept her decision graciously. Split homes can be tricky to navigate at her age. She's not old enough for complete independence, and so there are other expectations of her beyond yours. Will this likely change as she matures into independence? Sure, but not right now.

 

Have someone in your family video your event, and then you can share it with her privately.

 

Head high.