Im in love with the perfect man whose wrong for me.

[Designlove710]

I met him finishing up college and instantly was taken by him. We have been together for almost 5 years years now and it has been the best time of my life. I am 29 and he is 27. Every long term relationship has its troubles but our love made it easy. It was so easy with him. He made me so happy, he was my best friend. The love of my life and i wanted to be with him forever. The thing that is stopping me is that in my future I want a family. it is something i've always wanted is to be a mother. To give a child a great life like the one i was given. He has had a different upbringing and has seen the darker side of that. He has told me he doesn't want children. Im not sure if he is just afraid of the same thing happening to his child as what he went through. Im going to be 30 in a few months and i want our relationship to progress and move forward. He knows i don't want children at the moment but never is a big deal for me. So a few months ago I decided to leave him. It was the hardest thing i have every done in my entire life. Walking away from the man you love. Both of us in tears. I was breaking his heart and mine. Ever since then everything had been different. Life is not fun anymore. The feeling of being happy is only a temporary feeling. I thought i would be ok but i'm not. I feel like i made a huge mistake. I feel like i'm doubting my wants because of how much he means to me. During our time separated i have only spoken to him once because he did the most romantic selfless thing. He put all of his emotions and feelings out there for me, for the world to see in the most romantic way. He is not a romantic man to start with. It was the most beautiful thing anyone has ever done for me. That made my love for him even stronger. I feel like i'm torn between what I want and who I want. I feeling like i am ruining something that is great. I don't know what to do.

[RainyCoast]

he did the most romantic selfless thing. He put all of his emotions and feelings out there for me, for the world to see in the most romantic way.

 

did he say he wants children though?

[luminousone]

It is heart wrenching. I have been in your shoes.

 

In my case I talked my bf into having children (not sure how- he had gone through a divorce because he didn't want children prior to me).

 

We got married, had kids, and I then spent the next 17 years being the target of his anger and resentment. Eventually he had an affair and our marriage dissolved.

 

Would I do things differently? I'm not sure. I didn't have the strength to walk away like you did, so I admire you for that. I love my boys and they have brought joy and depth to my life that would not have been there otherwise. Even my ex would agree to that, and he is a good dad to our sons, now that we aRe divorced.

 

Has your ex ever considered going to counseling in order to sort out the traumas from his childhood?

 

Some things for you to think about: would you ever consider not having children in order to be with your ex?

 

What would you do if you ended up not able to have children or you didn't find the right man in time? In my case I would have adopted, and I even have a few single friends that had children with out a partner- one got a sperm donor, and the other adopted. In both cases they have extended family support- which I say is crucial.

 

If you started dating others, would you always be comparing them to your ex?

 

It takes a while to heal from a failed relationship. If you truly think you made the right decision by walking away, then you need to stop all contact, so your heart can heal. And then stick with no contact, even if you are tempted.

 

Or- change your mind about children and be content with that decision. I know it is not the same, but you could work with children and get some fulfillment in that way.

 

Right now you are torturing yourself about a decision you made and essentially you have put yourself in limbo with no relationship and no children, and unhappy about both.

 

Either accept your decision and truly move on, and be content with your decision. Or accept that you won't have children and get back with him, and be content with your decision.

 

But don't remain in limbo, because you will end up with neither.

[Ms Darcy]

I think Lum has given you perfect advice.

[Batya33]

I think you did the right thing. Do not settle for not being a parent or having the opportunity to try to be a parent with a spouse/partner who wants a child with his whole heart and soul. Do not try to change his mind as he seems fairly set on that and you don't want a situation as Lum described. And I am saying this despite having daylight saving times start today and being awakened at 4:30am "I remembered that the clocks changed so I can get up earlier today!"

[Wiseman2]

You did the right thing. Sometimes a step back can lead to the right steps forward. It's great you didn't get complacent and too comfortable and live someone else's life. Takes courage.

in my future I want a family. He has told me he doesn't want children.

[Designlove710]

Update on the situation. We have been seperated for around 2 months now with no contact. He then reaches out to me and says he really misses me and would like to talk about us. So i agree to hear what he has to say. He says that without me he isn't happy with his life. He feels like there is this void that will never be filled. And i told him you know why i left you because you don't want the things that i want in the future. He was shaking and he told me that he is scared. He is afraid of failing as a father as his father did to him. And he was being selfish. He also says the he wants to be the best man that he can be for me. He says he is not against the idea of having children and sees a future with me. One thing i didnt mention earlier was then when we first started dating years ago, he told me he wanted a family and this is why i stayed with him so so long. I could tell in his voice and his look that he honestly feels this way and believes he feels this way. My only worry is that he is saying these things out of fear, fear of losing me. Telling me what i want to hear so he can get me back and then when we get comfortable again he will feel differently. Or the time apart has made him realize what he really wants. Im not sure. I know i have to options. Move on with my life or take the risk. I love him and want to make this work but what if it doesnt.

[WithLove]

I think he would benefit from counseling to help figure out why he is so petrified of having children.

[Ms Darcy]

He's 100 percent scared of losing you. I think you are right to think he will ikely back out of having children once the fear subsides.

[tattoobunnie]

My hubby wasn't sure about having kids, so at the time we were dating, and I said, "that's okay, we will just break up and be friends," with zero drama cuz heck, I knew I've always wanted kids to which he was like, "um, no, we's stay together!!!" (Okay, he didn't say it like that - that's like the conversation bubble), but didn't confirm wanting kids at that time.

 

We have two boys. Hhahahaha. BUT keep in mind, some people fundamentally do not want kids, and that's okay. But in your guy's situation, it sounds like he's just afraid of what he'd be like as a dad. It sounds like he needs to talk to the parent who pushed him away and ask him why. He has unresolved issues that he definitely needs closure on. Being able to get something like that off his shoulders, wow, it's a life-saver, and in your case, possible move towards wanting to "make babies".

 

And, you guys are already broken up, so it's not fear of losing you - his lack of intimacy is what is getting to him.

[abitbroken]

I think there should have been more dialogue in the relationship about kids. That it should have been talked about more before you got to this point. That being said, I think that you should tell him that you are afraid that he is just saying he is open to kids because he wants you back and you are afraid if you take him back, that in a few months he will got back to not wanting kids again. So he needs to really think about that. And will he be willing to face that whether its counseling, etc, or whatever.

 

Also, if you do take him back eventually, are you just going back to the same old same old, or will there be marriage on the horizon? If he wants you back and is genuine, it would be time for permanency, not just a bid to buy another year or two of same old story.

[JaggerJim]

It's great and all, but if he's not mentioning children in your future - there is no future.

[Stay_home]

I met him finishing up college and instantly was taken by him. We have been together for almost 5 years years now and it has been the best time of my life. I am 29 and he is 27. Every long term relationship has its troubles but our love made it easy. It was so easy with him. He made me so happy, he was my best friend. The love of my life and i wanted to be with him forever. The thing that is stopping me is that in my future I want a family. it is something i've always wanted is to be a mother. To give a child a great life like the one i was given. He has had a different upbringing and has seen the darker side of that. He has told me he doesn't want children. Im not sure if he is just afraid of the same thing happening to his child as what he went through. Im going to be 30 in a few months and i want our relationship to progress and move forward. He knows i don't want children at the moment but never is a big deal for me. So a few months ago I decided to leave him. It was the hardest thing i have every done in my entire life. Walking away from the man you love. Both of us in tears. I was breaking his heart and mine. Ever since then everything had been different. Life is not fun anymore. The feeling of being happy is only a temporary feeling. I thought i would be ok but i'm not. I feel like i made a huge mistake. I feel like i'm doubting my wants because of how much he means to me. During our time separated i have only spoken to him once because he did the most romantic selfless thing. He put all of his emotions and feelings out there for me, for the world to see in the most romantic way. He is not a romantic man to start with. It was the most beautiful thing anyone has ever done for me. That made my love for him even stronger. I feel like i'm torn between what I want and who I want. I feeling like i am ruining something that is great. I don't know what to do.

 

It was a gutsy call, but you made the right decision in the end.

 

If having children means that much to you, find a partner with mutual feelings toward raising children.