I am an interesting friendly person yet no one wants to be friends with me!

[Rockchick26]

I'm a female in my 40's, and I am losing faith that I will ever have a decent friend. I have had a few friends throughout my life but sooner or later they all quit talking to me. The only friend I still have is a guy that doesn't respect me and has no interest in my life. I only hang out with him because he's all I have. But I'm a third wheel with him and his boyfriend and all they ever wanna do is watch movies at their house or go to movies so there isn't even any chance of meeting new people when I hang out with them. That is my social life, sitting in their livingroom, and they usually fall asleep on me so I just go home then. They have no interest in anything I do or anything I talk about or any of the activities I try to get them to do with me, so if I'm not with them, I am out doing stuff alone. Tomorrow i am going to a holistic expo by myself because i posted on FB for someone to go with me but nobody acknowledged it even though I know TONS of people who are into that sort of thing. I told my friend about it, but as usual when I bring up something to do, he doesn't respond then later comes up with an excuse (if he responds at all). He asks me to hang out all the time but it's only for stuff he and his boyfriend wanna do, they never once have said yes to anything I suggest.

 

I have worked at a slew of places where I didn't connect with anyone. I am always smiling and friendly, I have a ton of varied interests, yet nobody seems to care to get to know me. The place I work right now is full of girls who don't even say hi back to me, stick their earbuds in their ears so I can't talk to them, etc. I think one night at work I said 10 words all night (all work related, of course). People walk around like zombies with no expression, no interest in anything but working, and no response when I smile and say hi to them.

 

One of my hobbies is going to festivals and it's so easy to meet people there yet even when I do make a connection, that's where it ends. They never ask for my number or to friend me on FB, and one time I connected with a girl one night then the next night I saw her again and she totally acted like I was overstepping my bounds by talking to her again. We even went out to eat with her and her boyfriend (me and my bf at the time) and she didn't say a word to me, only talked to them. I know I did nothing wrong, it wasn't like I was drunk and pissed her off, we talked a lot about all the interests we had in common. So for her to totally ignore me the next day made no sense. Another girl acted like we were gonna be buddies, even invited me to her wedding, but then never exchanged contact information. I eventually found her on FB and added her and tried to initiate meeting up but each time she was busy. It's like people draw the line when it comes to actually acting like friends.

 

I have over 300 friends on FB, most of them live in my town or within half an hour, yet every time I post an activity I wanna do or an event I want to go to, nobody cares. Are we living in a world where people just don't want real friends anymore, they just want FB acquaintances? All my life i've longed for a close knit group of friends, and even when I think i've found it, I realize none of them would ever hang out with me alone. I am not even one of those annoying clingy kinds of people, I am actually an introvert and I'm pretty quiet especially in a group. But I am usually smiling and I say hi to people quite often, I'm just met with blank stares and silence. Or if somebody does talk to me, it's on a very superficial level. I am just so confused why people are not into making friends with me. Is anyone else in the same boat?

[Jibralta]

Unfortunately, you are working against the current a little bit. It's harder for people to find the time to develop new friendships as we get older, because we have so many other obligations. It's difficult to even find time to spend with the friends that we do have. Personally, when I find a scrap of alone time, I want to spend it BY MYSELF. Have you tried MeetUp groups, where you can find other people with the same interests, who actually want to get up and go out?

[Rockchick26]

I have been a member of Meetup for probably 8 or 9 years but I rarely see any closeby and during times I am not working or sleeping. But i do meet people with the same interests when i go to festivals but they always get distant when i try to actually hang out with them outside of the festival. I get that people are busy but I have a full time job too and have my place to clean and errands to run and family obligations but i still want to hang out with people.

[Rockchick26]

Ugh, I knew it! My friend finally replied to me like 6 hours later, he said he will be busy when i am going to that expo but he will be around when i get back so we can do what HE wants. There is no way out of this pattern! I need to find new friends, this sucks.

[Andrina]

Even though you don't think so, you're probably coming across as desperate or coming across too strong. Or, people might enjoy your company temporarily, but don't have room for any new friendships, because a friend takes regular effort to maintain.

 

I'd suggest choosing activities where you can enjoy other people's company, but don't make the goal spending one on one time with a potential buddy. Some new activities you could try: dance classes. (In my area, we have dance classes with a dance often following it for East Coast Swing, West Coast Swing, Tango, Ballroom, Salsa.) You could join a book discussion club. Do volunteer work with Habitat for Humanity, or be a docent at a local zoo. Join a cooking class.

 

In all of these activities, let other people make the effort at a friendship with you. And know that it might not happen overnight. Some people might not even make the effort until they've known you a year or more.

 

I'm an introvert myself, and have found that whenever I've made the effort at being someone's friend, even when they've given me signals that they totally like me, it never works. It's frustrating that it's only worked when a person makes an initial effort with me, but that's the way it is for whatever reason. Take care.

[j.man]

Andrina threw some good ones out there. I feel like volunteering and, though I'm not a man of faith myself, church are going to be the best ways for a 40-something to get out and meet new friends. Drop a few bucks on hobby classes.

[Matt3939]

Yeah it's harder when you get older to find friends. I know I've been unsuccessful. Usually people just get in contact if they want something I've found. I still keep in contact with people, most have moved and that's the extent of it. I'd say just keep trying that's all you can do.

[Batya33]

Agree so much with Andrina and Jman. I found it easier to make new friends in my 30s because I was more confident and less chatty/more discreet with sharing my own personal information. I'm 50 now and in my 30s and 40s I've met people through work, through friends, volunteer work, singles events, womens networking groups, neighbors who became close friends, etc. I wasn't on Facebook much until I was married and I'd think that in general posting an event or activity on Facebook to everyone or a large group is probably going to just get looked past/scrolled over. Rather I would call people or e-mail people individually about activities you'd like to do. But again, Andrina and Jman right on target.

[Rockchick26]

Even though you don't think so, you're probably coming across as desperate or coming across too strong. Or, people might enjoy your company temporarily, but don't have room for any new friendships, because a friend takes regular effort to maintain.

 

I'd suggest choosing activities where you can enjoy other people's company, but don't make the goal spending one on one time with a potential buddy. Some new activities you could try: dance classes. (In my area, we have dance classes with a dance often following it for East Coast Swing, West Coast Swing, Tango, Ballroom, Salsa.) You could join a book discussion club. Do volunteer work with Habitat for Humanity, or be a docent at a local zoo. Join a cooking class.

 

In all of these activities, let other people make the effort at a friendship with you. And know that it might not happen overnight. Some people might not even make the effort until they've known you a year or more.

 

I'm an introvert myself, and have found that whenever I've made the effort at being someone's friend, even when they've given me signals that they totally like me, it never works. It's frustrating that it's only worked when a person makes an initial effort with me, but that's the way it is for whatever reason. Take care.

 

I have done those types of things before (classes, book clubs, volunteering, etc) but nothing has ever came of them. It isn't that i'm not putting myself out there, the problem lies in the actual friendship beginning stages. It's easy to find, meet and connect with people of similar interests. I actually always let the other person make the effort, i have never once asked anyone for their phone number or to friend them on FB, being a quiet introvert I have always felt that is too pushy, so I always let the other person bring that up, but 99% of them never do and the ones that do apparently just wanted a FB aquaintance. But then I think of it this way; if everyone in the world waited around for other people to initiate friendships, nobody would ever be friends. Someone has to initiate it.

[Rockchick26]

Andrina threw some good ones out there. I feel like volunteering and, though I'm not a man of faith myself, church are going to be the best ways for a 40-something to get out and meet new friends. Drop a few bucks on hobby classes.

 

I volunteered once at a recording studio, because I love music. I got to meet the owner, his employees, countless musicians, but never made a single friend there. I have taken classes, but everyone is just listening to the teacher talk, there's no interaction between students unless you're going to college then you live with them and party with them outside of school. I am sure going to a church would be a good way but I am about as far from religious as anyone can get. I have found a few "churches" that have the same beliefs as me, but they are few and far between and not close to where I live. It doesn't help that I live an hour from any major city, that's 2 hours driving round trip.

[Rockchick26]

Yeah it's harder when you get older to find friends. I know I've been unsuccessful. Usually people just get in contact if they want something I've found. I still keep in contact with people, most have moved and that's the extent of it. I'd say just keep trying that's all you can do.

 

Yeah i'm sure age has something to do with it, although everyone thinks i'm in my 20's. I have tattoos and dreadlocks and look and act younger than I am. Maybe that's the problem...people my age see me and think i am too young for them, and people in their 20's meet me and think it's wierd i am in my 40's and like the same things they do, lol

[Batya33]

I think you need to initiate at least half the time, and personally/individually not on Facebook. What have you done lately to be a friend?

[rosephase]

Have you volunteered at a festival? I find a lot of lasting friendships building things together.

 

Also you really need to put effort in. Ask for phone numbers and text people individually. A big group ask isn't very personal. It just looks like you don't like to be alone instead of actually liking an individual.

[Rockchick26]

I think you need to initiate at least half the time, and personally/individually not on Facebook. What have you done lately to be a friend?

 

Well once I meet someone and we become FB friends, I rarely see them again in person, that's why i use FB to try to make plans. Unless it's people I work with, but lately I havent' made any friends through work. But to answer your question i pretty much do what I can, i smile, say hi, listen when they talk about their life and problems (which ends up being mostly what we talk about because I am not one to talk about myself unless they ask), and of course I try to make plans with people, suggesting we go to a certain event or something.

[Rockchick26]

Have you volunteered at a festival? I find a lot of lasting friendships building things together.

 

No, not yet anyway, but when I go to festivals it's to enjoy them, not work at them...the work shifts are usually 8-10 hours and that is pretty much the whole day. I go to enjoy the music, mostly...and also most of the festivals I've been to I've been with my boyfriend at the time. But it doesn't really make a difference what i'm doing there, volunteering or enjoying it, i still meet people. I have met TONS of people there, I bet about 70-80 people on my FB friends list are from festivals. I just have yet to actually have one of them turn into a friendship where we hang out outside of festivals.

 

Also you really need to put effort in. Ask for phone numbers and text people individually. A big group ask isn't very personal. It just looks like you don't like to be alone instead of actually liking an individual.

 

I have had no luck with asking individually either. One girl I met her a few years ago, we hung out 2 times ever and then ever since then whenever I try to make plans with her, she has some reason for not being able to go, and she never initiates making plans with me. Another girl who I met at a festival I asked her a few months later if she wanted to go to another festival with me but she said she had other plans. I'm sure in both cases they really couldn't go with me but why don't they ever remember me when things come up they want to do? I know they both already have tons of friends which is probably why, if i already had people to do things with, i would have no need to ask one other person who nobody knew to come with us.

[notalady]

It could be a combination of a few things.

 

Unfortunately most people in their adulthood especially when they are older, aren't looking for new friends, they have enough friends and family obligations and personal hobbies to keep them busy. So much like dating, you need to find someone who is actually open to / looking for new friends, someone who just moved to your town for example.

 

Secondly, sometimes you meet someone and think you hit it off, but like going on the first few dates with someone new, you find after a couple of hang outs that you don't actually have that much in common outside of whatever similar hobby or interest you had at first. A lot of people will drop off at this point. I've certainly done that. A lot of people aren't looking for just an activity partner, and if they don't think you have enough similarities, including personality, values, world views etc to be friends, they are not interested.

 

Third but not least, it is also possible that you are coming on too strong or seem desperate and it's turning people off. You mentioned asking people to hang out and "each time" they say they are busy, which I interpret as, you ask more than once. To me, again just like dating, if I ask someone to hang out once, and they say they are busy but don't offer an alternative, I take it as they are not interested and leave them alone. If they want to hang out they can ask me. If you keep asking them it's just annoying (and come across as desperate). Honestly, it's hard to say if you're doing anything wrong otherwise without knowing you, what I do know is every friend I've distanced from, there's a reason for it, most of the time it's incompatible personality and values and/or they have some traits that annoy me. A daring suggestion would be to get in touch with some of the old friends that faded out on you, and sincerely ask them to share why they stopped being in touch, and clarify why you're asking this question (self improvement) and make it clear you won't be offended by whatever they have to say. Someone just might tell you the truth.

 

P.S. Posting open invitations on Facebook is not only impersonal but also comes across as desperate (as clearly you have no one to go with and no one close enough that you'd ask them personally), most people don't pick up on these as real invitations for them, so they ignore it.

[Batya33]

Well once I meet someone and we become FB friends, I rarely see them again in person, that's why i use FB to try to make plans. Unless it's people I work with, but lately I havent' made any friends through work. But to answer your question i pretty much do what I can, i smile, say hi, listen when they talk about their life and problems (which ends up being mostly what we talk about because I am not one to talk about myself unless they ask), and of course I try to make plans with people, suggesting we go to a certain event or something.

 

Yes, from what you write there is not enough reciprocity in sharing. It also sounds like you're not interested in their life and problems - you think you're "interesting" because you have a variety of interests and activities. That is true but that isn't necessarily consistent with building a close friendship - despite being a very positive attribute -that you're well rounded in your interests/activities. Sometimes it's more important to be a person who is genuinely interested in what other people have to say and who at the appropriate time can share of themselves to show how they can relate (or if not how interested they are in learning about whatever the person is talking about).

 

I might be reluctant to make a plan with someone who spoke so little about themselves -I wouldn't know if we'd have personal rapport -more important to me at times than whether the activity is fun or interesting.

[Rockchick26]

 

Unfortunately most people in their adulthood especially when they are older, aren't looking for new friends, they have enough friends and family obligations and personal hobbies to keep them busy. So much like dating, you need to find someone who is actually open to / looking for new friends, someone who just moved to your town for example.

 

Well 99% of the people I meet are way younger than me, so they can't use that excuse. I think in these cases, they initially meet me and think 'hey cool someone like me' but when they find out i'm 20 years older than them, they think that's wierd. That's just my guess. As for people looking to make friends, I've tried that too. There are a few websites out there for women to meet other women for friendship (GirlfriendSocial.com is one of them) and i still have yet to meet a friend on there. I have sent out probably 30 messages and only heard back from 2 or 3, none of whom messaged me back for longer than a week or two.

 

Secondly, sometimes you meet someone and think you hit it off, but like going on the first few dates with someone new, you find after a couple of hang outs that you don't actually have that much in common outside of whatever similar hobby or interest you had at first. A lot of people will drop off at this point. I've certainly done that. A lot of people aren't looking for just an activity partner, and if they don't think you have enough similarities, including personality, values, world views etc to be friends, they are not interested.

 

Possibly. It's just that if this is what it is, for it to happen this much for this long, it makes me think I'm just not destined to have friends, lol It's gone from a here and there kinda thing to being my entire life's pattern.

 

Third but not least, it is also possible that you are coming on too strong or seem desperate and it's turning people off. You mentioned asking people to hang out and "each time" they say they are busy, which I interpret as, you ask more than once. To me, again just like dating, if I ask someone to hang out once, and they say they are busy but don't offer an alternative, I take it as they are not interested and leave them alone. If they want to hang out they can ask me. If you keep asking them it's just annoying (and come across as desperate).

 

Well I stop after 2 or 3 times, I don't repeatedly ask them for years and years, lol One girl I only asked to do stuff with about 3 times and the other was twice. This is only recently, too. I never used to be the person to ask to hang out in the past, i used to be super shy and the only friends I had were the ones that came to me, but even those eventually left. Now i am more open and not shy anymore but i still never ask for someone's number or FB page, with the exception of festival people because it's a small community of a few hundred people and our festivals are about us being a family, when we have these festivals it's the norm to hug everyone you meet and say you love them. Most of the people who go to these festivals add on FB everyone they met and even some they haven't. I've had people i haven't met yet add me just knowing I go to these festivals. So in this situation only do I add people on FB but otherwise I leave the contact information conversation to them.

 

A daring suggestion would be to get in touch with some of the old friends that faded out on you, and sincerely ask them to share why they stopped being in touch, and clarify why you're asking this question (self improvement) and make it clear you won't be offended by whatever they have to say. Someone just might tell you the truth.

 

lol Oh i'm sure someone would, out of the 100 or so i would ask! But I am still too shy to do that, lol That just sounds really desperate too, like "why doesnt anyone like me?" I am not THAT desperate, lol

 

P.S. Posting open invitations on Facebook is not only impersonal but also comes across as desperate (as clearly you have no one to go with and no one close enough that you'd ask them personally), most people don't pick up on these as real invitations for them, so they ignore it.

 

I only did it a few times, but other people do it too so i thought it was a normal thing nowadays? I am always seeing people post even more desperate things than that, like 'i need someone to talk to, can someone please message me', or 'is anyone in (name of city), wanna hang out?' maybe it's a younger generation thing, I dont know anyone my age or older that does it.

[Rockchick26]

Yes, from what you write there is not enough reciprocity in sharing. It also sounds like you're not interested in their life and problems - you think you're "interesting" because you have a variety of interests and activities. That is true but that isn't necessarily consistent with building a close friendship - despite being a very positive attribute -that you're well rounded in your interests/activities. Sometimes it's more important to be a person who is genuinely interested in what other people have to say and who at the appropriate time can share of themselves to show how they can relate (or if not how interested they are in learning about whatever the person is talking about).

 

i think you misunderstood what i said, I DO listen to them when they talk about their life and problems, it's usually the main thing I talk about with people. My only friend, that guy I mentioned, that is all he talks about is his life and since it's him and his boyfriend that makes two of them and one of me and they dominate every conversation with their life, so I'm left with no choice but to listen to them. I'm not saying I don't like talking about other people's lives, but it needs to be balanced and it rarely is.

 

i might be reluctant to make a plan with someone who spoke so little about themselves -I wouldn't know if we'd have personal rapport -more important to me at times than whether the activity is fun or interesting.

 

I guess i learned from books and just common sense that the number one thing people look for in a potential friend is someone who listens to them and asks questions about their life, so that's what i do, i show my interest in their life. I feel like randomly offering information about my own life is selfish, if they don't ask, i'm not gonna burden them, nobody wants to be around someone who only talks about themselves. It's probably why my guy friend has no other friends besides me.

[Batya33]

No,you misunderstand. I meant active listening and part of active listening is relating/working on rapport -and part of that -depending on how close you two are, is relating an experience that has to do with what the other person is talking about.

 

You say you have this interesting life but you think it's burdensome to share what you're doing with your life with a friend or new acquaintance? I don't know -I love learning about new activities/sports/interests if the person talking about it explains it in an accessible way (or better yet, an interesting way).

 

So in your view, people who randomly offer information about themselves to you are selfish. (Because you said the same about you). So consider that when you are "listening" you are also thinking that that person is selfish/self-absorbed- that might come through in your vibe/energy.

 

You're not left with "no choice" - you have a choice to share about what's going on in the world, a funny anecdote you heard, something going on with you -and your other choice is not to interact with people who only talk about themselves.

 

I have a friend who I see about once a week not because we plan it but because our kids do a sport together. She's really cool and we've had some deep/great conversations since we met about 2 years ago (we are both in our 50s). We talk about kids but also about everything else under the sun. I was feeling vulnerable/exhausted yesterday. The best part of our 30-45 minute conversation was when she laughed when I told her that my son told me that the box tops I gave him to take into school (the school collects them to redeem them for $ for educational supplies, etc) were "expired" (I guess there's a date on them -who knew, other than my 7 year old). Want to know why-because it was lighthearted and because I feel that level of rapport with her knowing that she would find that funny too. That click comes from shared experiences, conversations and getting each other. It's just as important if not more than a close friend listening to you vent/whine and expressing support.

[Rockchick26]

No,you misunderstand. I meant active listening and part of active listening is relating/working on rapport -and part of that -depending on how close you two are, is relating an experience that has to do with what the other person is talking about.

 

I do actively listen, and it's only natural to relate an experience to what they're talking about.

 

You say you have this interesting life but you think it's burdensome to share what you're doing with your life with a friend or new acquaintance? I don't know -I love learning about new activities/sports/interests if the person talking about it explains it in an accessible way (or better yet, an interesting way).

 

Well I wish I could meet people like you then, that actually want to listen to what I have to say. Nobody ever respects what I have to say, so after years of this I have just been trained to keep my life to myself. I don't think other people are being burdensome to me, I WANT people to talk to me, but nobody wants me to talk to them.

 

So in your view, people who randomly offer information about themselves to you are selfish. (Because you said the same about you). So consider that when you are "listening" you are also thinking that that person is selfish/self-absorbed- that might come through in your vibe/energy.

 

I only think they are selfish when they don't want to listen to me or have no respect for what I talk about, which is most people. I wouldn't think they are selfish if things were 50/50 but they rarely are. Obviously anyone who takes more than they give is selfish.

 

You're not left with "no choice" - you have a choice to share about what's going on in the world, a funny anecdote you heard, something going on with you -and your other choice is not to interact with people who only talk about themselves.

 

When I share things, I am either not heard at all or passed off like they don't respect what I said. And to not interact with them, well then i would just have no friends at all. Trust me if I could find someone who respected me and wanted to spend time with me, I wouldn't interact with my selfish friend who doesn't respect me. But I am not going to become a hermit and I am not going to do everything alone, I need human interaction even if it is one sided.

 

I have a friend who I see about once a week not because we plan it but because our kids do a sport together. She's really cool and we've had some deep/great conversations since we met about 2 years ago (we are both in our 50s). We talk about kids but also about everything else under the sun. I was feeling vulnerable/exhausted yesterday. The best part of our 30-45 minute conversation was when she laughed when I told her that my son told me that the box tops I gave him to take into school (the school collects them to redeem them for $ for educational supplies, etc) were "expired" (I guess there's a date on them -who knew, other than my 7 year old). Want to know why-because it was lighthearted and because I feel that level of rapport with her knowing that she would find that funny too. That click comes from shared experiences, conversations and getting each other. It's just as important if not more than a close friend listening to you vent/whine and expressing support.

 

I am a very lighthearted person, I am always smiling, laughing, chuckling, even online I type "lol" when i am not really laughing because it's the only way I know how to convey lightheartedness when typing online. I really don't think the way I behave or act is the problem, I think it's a combination of me not fitting in with anyone my age because of my interests and me not fitting in with people who share my interests because of my age, AND the fact that most people have enough friends the way it is, there's only so much time.

[Batya33]

"I am a very lighthearted person, I am always smiling, laughing, chuckling, even online I type "lol" when i am not really laughing because it's the only way I know how to convey lightheartedness when typing online. I really don't think the way I behave or act is the problem, I think it's a combination of me not fitting in with anyone my age because of my interests and me not fitting in with people who share my interests because of my age, AND the fact that most people have enough friends the way it is, there's only so much time."

 

Maybe but it's the negativity and distrust that is coming through: "Nobody ever respects what I have to say, so after years of this I have just been trained to keep my life to myself. I don't think other people are being burdensome to me, I WANT people to talk to me, but nobody wants me to talk to them." I only think they are selfish when they don't want to listen to me or have no respect for what I talk about, which is most people. I wouldn't think they are selfish if things were 50/50 but they rarely are. Obviously anyone who takes more than they give is selfish."

 

That is what is coming through. It's not about your interests or "too busy". I've been insanely busy since 1991 when I started grad school (before that maybe a bit less insane at times, maybe). I was never in the "popular crowd" and in fact I rarely had a "group" of friends- I had individual friends from all different walks of life/groups/geographic areas. And no I don't think it's presumptively selfish to take more than you give -it depends what the circumstance is and why and who the recipient is of your "giving". In general -sure - we strive for balance. I do think that if your focus is on getting people to spend time with you in person that's a bit harder than simply expecting to be in touch -by phone, sometimes email/text.

 

I had lunch with a new friend/acquaintance yesterday -we work in the same large company and I have been there 7 weeks. We talked about getting lunch again, we exchanged links to the women's groups we are each involved in and my sense is that we will meet again but probably not for at least a month or so. Even if we don't, however, I feel that I can stay in touch with her, get to know her better and count her at some point as a friend. How I met her -we went to the same seminar, I found out that our backgrounds are really similar, I suggested we meet for lunch, I followed up a day or so later and we picked a day a week or so in advance. That's it. But realize - be really good at following up, being reliable, suggesting a plan that is feasible/realistic and being flexible. No guarantees but that, plus working on your negativity and cynical attitude will help a lot.

 

I do think part of it is luck but only part - you are getting in your own way with your negativity and distrust despite the smile on your face. Good luck!

[Wiseman2]

That's part of it. Social media is a double edged sword of being in contact with everyone 24/7 yet being isolated.

 

All you can do is invite people you like to do stuff like come over for pizza/movies or go to activities. Reach out and invite, even if they say no.

Are we living in a world where people just don't want real friends anymore, they just want FB acquaintances?

[Batya33]

That's part of it. Social media is a double edged sword of being in contact with everyone 24/7 yet being isolated.

 

All you can do is invite people you like to do stuff like come over for pizza/movies or go to activities. Reach out and invite, even if they say no.

 

I think this is short-sighted. It depends of course on age -but we don't have to have friends that are in the same age group, for one thing. The OP is apparently active on Facebook too so that might skew who she interacts with/meets. I wouldn't generalize or see that as an excuse not to be out there meeting and interacting with people.

[Rockchick26]

 

Maybe but it's the negativity and distrust that is coming through:

That is what is coming through. It's not about your interests or "too busy". I've been insanely busy since 1991 when I started grad school (before that maybe a bit less insane at times, maybe). I was never in the "popular crowd" and in fact I rarely had a "group" of friends- I had individual friends from all different walks of life/groups/geographic areas. And no I don't think it's presumptively selfish to take more than you give -it depends what the circumstance is and why and who the recipient is of your "giving". In general -sure - we strive for balance. I do think that if your focus is on getting people to spend time with you in person that's a bit harder than simply expecting to be in touch -by phone, sometimes email/text.

 

I am only letting my negativity out here, it isn't like i cop an attitude when i'm around these people. 99% of the time when I try to make plans with someone, it's done online, so they can't possibly see my body language or facial reactions when they turn me down. In person i am always positive, even when i get upset and someone talks to me about it, I totally hide any bad feelings and put on a "everything is good" face. Maybe that is why I post on online forums a lot with my problems because it's the only time I let things out.

 

I had lunch with a new friend/acquaintance yesterday -we work in the same large company and I have been there 7 weeks. We talked about getting lunch again, we exchanged links to the women's groups we are each involved in and my sense is that we will meet again but probably not for at least a month or so. Even if we don't, however, I feel that I can stay in touch with her, get to know her better and count her at some point as a friend. How I met her -we went to the same seminar, I found out that our backgrounds are really similar, I suggested we meet for lunch, I followed up a day or so later and we picked a day a week or so in advance. That's it.

 

I wish i had that type of experience. I have been at my new job for a little less time than you and no closer to making any friends there than the day I started.

 

But realize - be really good at following up, being reliable, suggesting a plan that is feasible/realistic and being flexible. No guarantees but that, plus working on your negativity and cynical attitude will help a lot.

 

No one has ever said i was negative or cynical, of course it sounds that way in here because i am venting about my problem. But for example at work, i am smiling 90% of the time even when nobody is talking to me, and even if I am upset about something, when someone talks to me about it i smile and be very agreeable with them, not showing any hint of negativity.