Meeting up with ex-friend who I almost slept with

[sweetdreams12]

Okay this will be a bit long but I need some advice.

 

I had a friend back at the start of my uni days. He and I got along quite well. At that time I had my eye on a maths tutor and he had his eye on one of my girl friends. We had no feelings for one another and admitted we were not each other's types. We even held hands in public and snuggled together at the back of cinemas and on buses but completely platonic.

 

Then I ran into a pretty bad situation and he was there to comfort me. One minute we were laying together on my bed then the next we were kissing. We didn't really speak of it after but it became somewhat of a regular thing when we were alone. Then after some time it progressed to complete making-out with our clothes off and some oral sex. I wanted to keep my virginity due to my religion so never let it get any further. But one morning, we had just woken up and had a mad make-out session and he was pushing and pleading and I didn't stop him. But thank goodness it didn't really work because he was too big and we were both inexperienced. After that, things got awkward between us. There was something different about him and I couldn't see him as a mere 'friend' any longer. It was really weird. He no longer text me or spoke to me. I tried but he didn't reciprocate. He then soon left uni to pursue another course and I haven't seen him since.

 

A few years later he texts me for the first time and I found myself anxious. I had put the incident behind me as best I could but it was still a loose end between us and occasionally in my mind. He wanted to meet and at that time I was so nervous about it I kept turning him down and blocking him on sns and on my phone. I felt really bad about it yet at the same time mad that he would think I would just meet up with him when he didn't even contact me for years. So another few years pass and just a few days ago, I got a message on my whatsapp from an unknown number saying 'hi'. I immediately knew it was him even before I asked to confirm. Apparently he had gotten a new number for a while...The anxiety came back again as I knew he would want to meet me. We chatted a bit and he sounds exactly as he did before despite his new phases in life. Then the comment came: 'we should meet up.' And there I sat for a while trying to think of what to say. A part of me wanted to turn him down as always but another part was like maybe I should give him a chance. I went with the latter and a part of me felt good after I agreed. But then over the next few days the anxiety within me built up and I was so tempted to just call it off and block him and cut off all contact with him but I didn't. So the day has come, I'm meeting him tomorrow for a movie and my anxiety levels are climbing. especially add to the fact we'll be at a place where we had once been intimate together...

 

Maybe I'm overthinking. My best friend says I do that a lot and I know I do but I really can't help it. I'm hoping it would just be a normal friend date but I can't help but think why else would he want to meet up with me if not to chat about what happened between us? That's probably why I'm most anxious. Considering I'm someone he knew from a uni he hasn't attended in years, I find it odd that he would contact me at all. Is he looking to tie up a loose end? Is he looking for a fling? Is he looking to rebuild our friendship? I don't know what he's thinking but I'm not comfortable with any of those! I'm worried that it'll end up being awkward between us and I don't function well with awkwardness. Especially watching a movie in a dark room inches away from each other.

 

I just want to know if you were in a similar situation, how would you act? What would you do? I'm not one to initiate deep-heart talks as I'm more of a listener than a talker. I just really want to run away and cancel this friend date but at the same time I need to have some sort of closure to this. I'm hoping after this one meeting, I won't feel so burdened by it any more.

[Wiseman2]

A clumsy first time at sex should not plague you forever, it's quite typical. If you like him or are just curious, have fun and start as friends reuniting to catch up.

 

It won't go in any direction you don't want it to. Either go as friends or if you want more, see of it leads to a dating situation. Enjoy the date.

I wanted to keep my virginity due to my religion. and I didn't stop him.

I'm meeting him tomorrow for a movie and my anxiety levels are climbing.I just really want to run away and cancel this friend date but at the same time I need to have some sort of closure to this. I'm hoping after this one meeting, I won't feel so burdened by it any more.

[Andrina]

A movie is the last thing you want to do when you haven't seen someone in years. Isn't the point to catch up on each others lives? I would suggest a lunch date so that you can have a decent conversation and not worry that he'll try to make out with you in the dim light of a theatre.

 

You say you don't want any of the things you listed that might be on his agenda. What is it that you want? If it's nothing as far as he's concerned, I'd let him know that and break the date. I'd tell him the truth. If there is something you want and you find that he doesn't want the same thing, gauging what's happening on the first meet up, then tell him you're no longer interested in communicating.

 

You decide what's best for yourself, and if the other person doesn't have the same goals, they aren't meant to be in your life. Don't let other people take you along on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. You are the driver.

[Jibralta]

I agree that a movie is not the best way to catch up. It sounds like you aren't interested in any kind of relationship with this guy. If I felt that way, but for some reason felt compelled to meet him anyway, I'd try for a coffee date. That way, we could have a meeting of the minds about things.

[zeino]

What makes narratives unique life experiences is not just what happened but also how we felt when experiencing those things. The way we attribute meaning to events from an intellectual point also has a role of course. The total of these is making you uncomfortable in this. It seems like something (traumatic?) has been triggered. You don't have to do something that makes you just one bit anxious. Your body and your soul is saying something to you? What is it?

 

If you were an anxious person overall who experiences this pattern quite often, going counter-intuitive could be a good exercise, but given what you sexually experienced, this anxiety may be resulting from something else.

 

I would treat this as a boundary issue as well. The way I see this (but it may sound irrelevant to you or it may be simply wrong), you had a bit of jumbled boundaries with this friend when you were younger - many young people experience this. How about your boundaries today? Can you identify what you are ready to do with this person and not? It's not just about what he says or does and you trying to fend off things you don't want, you are entitled to put any boundary you want and he has to respect them. Respecting them means not judging you, guilting you, suffocating you with questions etc etc. Why not stop focusing on what he wants and focus on what you want?

 

Personally, if I was the one who experienced all this discomfort in the past, I would be wary of the cinema - but this is just me. A cinema is a comfortable space in the sense that people share an activity without speaking but it isn't the most ideal space to catch up with an old friend for the first time, is it? I will be honest. ıf I had your anxiety level with a history of a sexually negative experience, I would be uncomfortable in that darkness too. Not focusing on the movie, focusing too much on the body next to me and trying to understand if a hand is moving over my shoulder or something. If you are uncomfortable with an idea, you have the right to change your mind any time, so think carefully and if this is uncomfortable for you, don't hesistate to cancel the cinema and offer a more comfortable activity in a better lighted public place. If he asks you why, you can say you prefer chatting to watching a film together this time actually. If he insists on the cinema, that is not good anyway. If you have deeper emotional expectations and if you get the feeling that everything would have been much better if you agreed to go to the cinema or something, please remember that it is possibly manipulation. People matter here more than the activity.

 

You seem to be agreeing to uncomfortable things with this guy. I would break the pattern and start revealing my true self more often for a better friendship or more or nothing.

 

As for closure, I believe closure is not only something we may need to hear from someone but is complete only when we create our own closure about events as well. Sometimes these two may clash even but how you see the situation matters as much as what comes out of his mouth.

 

Allow yourself to be yourself tomorrow. remember you matter and are good enough.

[Hollyj]

The movie is a bad idea. I am thinking that he only wants something physical. If he wanted to catch up as friends, he would have suggested another venue where you could talk.

 

OP, no meeting should ever cause so much anxiety.

[sweetdreams12]

Thanks for the advice everyone! It was hard going to sleep with this looming over my head but I woke up and read this and felt much better. I'm really thinking the cinema probably wasn't such a good idea after all but at the same time talking might lead to topics that I'm not comfortable in addressing though they probably should be addressed...

 

I would treat this as a boundary issue as well. The way I see this (but it may sound irrelevant to you or it may be simply wrong), you had a bit of jumbled boundaries with this friend when you were younger - many young people experience this. How about your boundaries today? Can you identify what you are ready to do with this person and not? It's not just about what he says or does and you trying to fend off things you don't want, you are entitled to put any boundary you want and he has to respect them. Respecting them means not judging you, guilting you, suffocating you with questions etc etc. Why not stop focusing on what he wants and focus on what you want?

 

Obviously years have passed between us and I feel I have definitely matured in that time through other experiences. Looking back now, it was because it was a new and exhilarating experience for the both of us that we did what we did and continued. Also friends really shouldn't be holding hands like a couple, kissing or cuddling. It took a while for me to realise that so I won't be letting anything like that happen unless I truly like the guy or have some feelings for him in some way which is not this case.

 

As for closure, I believe closure is not only something we may need to hear from someone but is complete only when we create our own closure about events as well. Sometimes these two may clash even but how you see the situation matters as much as what comes out of his mouth.

 

I've never looked at closure in that way... Always thought it was something that could only be gained after meeting the person and talking to them about it.

 

 

The movie is a bad idea. I am thinking that he only wants something physical. If he wanted to catch up as friends, he would have suggested another venue where you could talk.

 

OP, no meeting should ever cause so much anxiety.

 

Yeah...I think I'm overthinking this meeting too much which only gives me more anxiety. I also thought at first he only wants something physical but then thought even if he does, I don't so I will just need to make that clear to him.