Advice needed please - so desperate

[Mummyenl]

I know this may sound crazy to some but I am so worried about my 17 year old. She had three close friends throughout secondary school and during the six weeks they appeared to drift. She has now started college and the three girls point blank refuse to talk to her, it is clear one of the girls has said something and the others have stuck with her. The saddest thing is my daughter just says "well they can't have been proper friends to start with" rather than trying to work out what has gone wrong. She walks around on her own lunch and break times and it is breaking my heart. I am constantly asking her who she has spent time with, just wanting to hear her say a name, so I know she hasn't been alone. I guess what I am asking for is the best way to handle this, I feel deep down she must be doing something to offend people as she really struggles keeping friendships going. My husband is the loveliest man ever but he too is a loner. Please tell me how you would handle it, if you think I am being to over bearing, then please also just say that. I am so desperate to resolve this I will take on board any help or criticism. Thank you xxxx

[Hermes]

Perhaps, Mummyenl, it would be best to let her sort this out for herself.

 

and she could be right:

 

"says "well they can't have been proper friends to start with""

 

She has moved on to another level, college, where she will make more friends, and her secondary school years are left behind.

 

Friendships at 17 do come and go, it's in the nature of growing up.....

 

No need to feel desperate OP. She'll meet many many people in her lifetime, some may become long-term friends, others just passing acquaintances. That's how life is.

[Wiseman2]

This is kid stuff. Now that she's in college support that and her involvement in school, sports, clubs, groups, activities and events. Do not ask her who she's been with, etc. just ask her how it's going in a general sense. Try to begin treating her as a young adult who must make her own friends and decisions.

She has now started college. I am constantly asking her who she has spent time with, just wanting to hear her say a name, so I know she hasn't been alone.

[Mummyenl]

Thank, everything you said does make perfect sense. I need to loosen up a little lol x

[DancingFool]

....ummm.....why are you so involved in her personal life and friendships? What is happening and what she is doing is normal. High school friendships rarely last into college. It's a huge period of change, growth, discovering new things, meeting new people and sorting out who you are as an adult

 

Anyway, stop projecting your personal needs for friendship and socializing to your daughter. She is not you and she is not broken. She certainly doesn't need you to be overbearing and sticking your nose so far into her personal life, not to mention implying through your actions and constant questioning that there is something wrong with her. This is really unhealthy behavior on your part. She may be your daughter, but she is also an individual independent of you and different from you. Learn to appreciate and respect that.

 

Instead of worrying about her, maybe pay more attention to your own social life and hobbies? When people are over involved in others personal affairs, it's usually because they are bored with their own personal life and severely lacking in it......

[Mummyenl]

Wow thanks massively helpful reply

[DancingFool]

"well they can't have been proper friends to start with" - this is not sad, this is really a very insightful and wise point of view. She is right too.

 

As for walking on her breaks alone or eating lunch alone - it takes a whole lot more confidence and self assurance to do that, than to cling to others for companionship even if you don't really like them.

 

Breathe - you've raised a bright young woman who can stand on her own two feet and that's worth its weight in gold.

[Mummyenl]

"well they can't have been proper friends to start with" - this is not sad, this is really a very insightful and wise point of view. She is right too.

 

As for walking on her breaks alone or eating lunch alone - it takes a whole lot more confidence and self assurance to do that, than to cling to others for companionship even if you don't really like them.

 

Breathe - you've raised a bright young woman who can stand on her own two feet and that's worth its weight in gold.

 

Thank you I appreciate that, I am in no way trying to live my life through my daughter, or lacking in my own life, I just want to try to help her be happy

[ParisPaulette]

Oh gosh, this is one of those horrible trials we go through as parents. And the really hard answer is you don't do anything beyond simply telling her, "I know you're having a tough time, but you can come to me any time you feel like it to talk, I will not judge, just be here to listen if you want to talk."

 

And then you drop it. And you let her figure out how to get through this, because this is where she learns how to handle relationships and how to work things out on her own. That said, something like having her help you around the house, taking her out just to go shopping, things like that are always great ways to let her open up IF she wants to do so.

 

Don't think she did anything wrong though, teenage drama is usually over absolutely the dumbest things. My teenage son has just been through this, he made an observation to his best friend, the best friend got his mom involved, suddenly it was all war. I think the kid's mom and the kid who is my son's best friend were both astonished when they tried to drag me into it and I told them, "This is between the boys, they're both going into the military, they're bigger than we are now, if they can't handle an upset with their mommies having to intervene then something is wrong." I then told everyone present calmly, "If this is not about a teenage pregnancy or STD scare, or drugs, or a crime someone can go to jail for then leave me out of it." And I turned to my son and told him to handle it and I walked out. Yeah, within a day the whole thing was over and they were back to being buds. The kid's mom is a little scared of me now, but she will not be butting in and trying to stir up needless drama now--something I already have observed she likes to do--at least not with me and my family.

 

Also to keep asking your daughter about it just reinforces that she is at fault or something is wrong with her, so please don't do that. That's why you need to back off and be available for her to come to you. Or if you have a female relative like an aunt ask them to come and take her out for the day, many times the kids will open up to someone who isn't their parents. When I was a teenager several times I lost friends, once even an entire group of friends, over one person's lies about me. I am not going to say it wasn't rough for me, but I did get through it.

 

This is very different than if she is showing signs of serious bullying or depression. That's a completely different thing and you should get some information on that if need be, but at least in my experience as a mom it looks very different. For me my very outgoing middle child suddenly became withdrawn and started being sick to get out of football practice, the game he'd loved since he was old enough to crawl. I knew something was very wrong and it turned out the coach there was bullying and just emotionally and verbally being abusive to the kids. And yes, I landed in the middle of that fight with my boots on and my spurs out. My son couldn't hold his own against an adult authority figure, which is why I jumped in.

 

That's the difference here. So first and foremost stand back, see if she's able to handle it for herself. And don't do the whole, "But you all were such good friends," because people do change. And parents seldom see more than the good parts to the friends in their kids' lives anyways. I had a friend in high school that my parents thought was great, because she was able to talk to them and schmooze everyone and just went out of her way to be nice to my parents, very flattering and so on. It's just she was also a manipulative snake in the grass, so I dumped her. And had to hear repeatedly that I had let go a very good friend, because my parents would not believe she'd been such a jerk. So just pointing out, maybe your daughter is smarter at cutting these friends out of her life than you give her credit for.

 

I know it's tough though. I really do, but being there to listen to her talk and standing back to let her work it out unless it becomes a situation where all adults need to step in is usually the fastest way to solving the issue.

[DancingFool]

Thank you I appreciate that, I am in no way trying to live my life through my daughter, or lacking in my own life, I just want to try to help her be happy

 

Can't do that. Think way back when she was a baby and trying to learn to walk. What would have happened if every time she lost balance you rushed to hold her up and never let her figure out how to stand up and walk? She'd still be crawling right? Same thing. You have to allow her to find her own path to happiness, friendship, choices in life.

 

I know you mean well, but doing too much to help can and will cause harm and actually accomplish the very opposite of what you want. There comes a time where you must take a step back and let her stretch her wings and find herself and only be there for her and help her if she asks for help. Mostly importantly, trust that you have been a good mother and taught her well along the way and given her a good foundation to build her life on.

[Hermes]

"My husband is the loveliest man ever but he too is a loner. "

 

M. Just to say that she is not necessarily a loner if she had those three friends through secondary school.

 

It is a truly healthy balance to enjoy alone time and also to enjoy social times. Someone who likes to be alone at times is not a "loner". I am sure she is going to do well and naturally you want the best for her. She is probably quite a shrewd girl.

[Edmund Exley]

Thank you I appreciate that, I am in no way trying to live my life through my daughter, or lacking in my own life, I just want to try to help her be happy

 

You do that by not helping at all. Let her live her life and just be there for advice, support and guidance when she needs it.

[Mummyenl]

Pauline your reply was lovely and to the point. I appreciate it very very much thank you x

[Mummyenl]

Thank you for all your replies, this is the first forum I have been on. I get the message lol, I need to loosen up and let go of the strings somewhat. I am ashamed to admit I am a natural born worrier X

[Hermes]

Looking back I think now of how my mother must have worried, but she never showed it. I can remember being packed off to the Continent for four months age 17 (when it wasn't that common for people of that age to do that, even if not that long ago). My mother saw me off, and to this day I will never forget that as I turned I saw her with tears in her eyes, and I'd never seen her show a tear before. It really struck me.

 

Miss her a lot......

[catfeeder]

my daughter just says "well they can't have been proper friends to start with" rather than trying to work out what has gone wrong.

 

Congrats! Your daughter sounds smart. She's outgrown these people. Consider that every time you make the mistake of projecting your own insecurities and wishes upon your daughter, you demonstrate that you have little faith in her and her judgement. That not exactly the way to build someone UP.

 

I'd tell daughter that I've been thinking about my behavior lately with regard her social life, and I recognize that I've failed to communicate to her that I'm very proud of her. I admire her maturity and her insightfulness, and she has taught me about my own fears of being alone and what a mistake it is to project those onto her in the face of her courage and willingness to stand on her own.

 

Your knee jerk reaction is like telling your daughter to put on a sweater because you are cold. I'd consider instead that daughter has grown into a woman with something to teach you, and while she may have been a swan who played the game of swimming well enough among ducklings, it may be time for both of you to recognize that she doesn't 'need' to do that in order to spread her wings.

 

Cheers to you, Mom, for asking this question. You sound aware of the two main goals of parenting: to give your children both roots and wings. The roots are easy, the wings are not so easy.

 

Allow daughter to fly higher than the provinciality you might otherwise assign to her given your own limitations. Let daughter show you her unique value, and allow her to amaze you with her wingspan.

 

Head high.