6 Year Relationship "Slump"

[Raaawr]

I wrote out a post yesterday, it was long and detailed and outlined alot of problems but I never posted it. By writing it down I had the time to reflect (a trick I learned through Anxiety Therapy) on things and sadly all I seemed to be doing was playing the blame game. Blaming my partner for somethings and myself for others. I am a big believer that a relationship is not really 2 people together but more 2 individuals being individuals together. Well at least I used to be...

 

Somewhere along the way I have lost that. I guess I have somehow managed to become dependent. Somewhere along the way I have become needy I guess would be the word except its not really neediness as such. I have somehow become controlling. I don't know if its something more sinister. I used to always be confident in myself and that should this relationship end I would find another, but it wouldn't end because I was just that much better than everyone else. Sure guys chatted her up at bars, it happened when I was there and Im sure it happens when I am not but I always just laughed, hes got no chance. It would be easy. If it did end, well, plenty more people out there and I honestly believe that is a healthy way to look at any relationship as it stops you over investing in it. I believe over investing in a relationship is a death sentence for the relationship. Except here is the issue, somewhere I have done just that and I don't know how or why or when. I don't know how to fix it either.

 

The post I did not post yesterday was full of different ideas, suspicions about if she is being overly protective of her phone, if there is someone else. Suspicions about so many things. I felt frustrated when she would go out without me with her work friends. I cant fully say why, I have excuses for why I feel the way I do but I am not sure they can be counted as reasons. I sort of feel like there are two people, my girlfriend who with me falls asleep at 11pm and wont drink more than 2 drinks with me and the girl who goes out without me and stays up til 4am and has anywhere between 5 and 10 drinks and that hurts a bit, but aren't we all the same when we go out with just friends to let it all out? But who am I to try and control this or even feel negative about it? It is well within her rights, no? Surely I should be happy she has this experience in her life. Instead I feel somewhat bitter. I dont know if it is because I have lost the confidence in myself and that there is actually better out there. You see, I had plans. I had goals. I had targets. I lost them all when things went south back before the summer. I have nothing now. I am trying to get back on track but I just cant seem to be quite able to. Deep down I know, who wants to be with someone who has nothing going for them. Right now, unless I start putting in the work. I have nothing going for me.

 

About 4 weeks back we had a big discussion that we both felt we were in a slump and that our relationship was falling apart. She started the conversation and used words like "trying to save it, not wanting to lose 6 years, that she felt undesired, that we needed space and she would be moving home, that its the first time she ever doubted us and our future". Now I have taken massive steps to correct every issue raised. She smiles at me when we are together in a way that I have not seen in months. Its same way she smiled at me when we met early on our relationship. I ask why shes smiling at me and she just says because she can. These are all really really good things no? These are all signs that this girl loves me and that the steps I am taking are working, except deep down there's this bubbling horrible feeling.

 

Somewhere, somehow at some point along the way I lost my trust in her. Well not only her, everyone and everything. I just feel hollow. I feel abandoned and empty. She never really did anything to cause this. I just felt vulnerable and began to shut myself off, this is what led to the whole conversation. I feel like I have just lost my faith in humanity. In all honesty there is nothing more I would love to do than get a puppy and move off to an isolated corner of the world and just be away from everything. I dont know where this feeling has come from. I dont know why I feel betrayed by everyone.

 

She told me at one point that she became scared because she realised she had so few people in her life that weren't me. That if we broke up, who would she have and she swore to make reparations with all those people. She still has not made any effort in that regard. But it made me realise, somehow I also have no one, I dont know when it happened and I think I can only blame myself, but there is no one that I can put my faith in. I guess I never really thought it was an issue because she became my best friend. I know its a cliche but I guess that is what happened. I have nobody to call on when she goes out tonight. I am left alone and I sort of just feel hopeless.

 

I dont fully know what to do. Somewhere along the way I became lost and it is damaging my relationship. I cant control what she does, I dont want to. But I can control myself and I realised that the person I was even a year ago is gone, gone somewhere for some reason I dont know and all that I seem to be now is an angry boyfriend who for some reason is trying to control her and hold onto her which as we all know is only ever going to lead to one place. More than that, I am not happy with how I have become, well its better now since the talk. Now that I have become aware of the issues.

 

First and foremost I think I just need to get my own life back on track. Once I do that I think the rest should just fall into place? Obviously I will continue to put the effort into the relationship that she seems to be responding well to. Even if at the back of my mind I think of it all as a ruse, a lie and just a tainted relationship and I dont know where that negativity comes from but it is tainting everything.

[light123]

You definitely need to start by making yourself happy cos you clearly aren't.

 

You aren't possessive or jealous cos you know you cannot nor should not try to control her life but you feel those senses but that is due to you being bored and unfulfilled in yourself.

 

You should take some time to focus on yourself and show her you are serious about doing it cos you want both of you to be happy but you can only do this by being happy in yourself.

 

Do something you love on your own a hobbie then in time you should both focus on something you love doing together too. You have your social life and her have hers but both of you also do something together.

 

If the together thing doesnt work out then maybe you both have different paths to take.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Have you considered getting evaluated for depression? It sounds like you are descending into a negative mindset and withdrawing.