Ex is ignoring our son. Help advice needed

[ChocALicious]

Advice really needed! Please!

 

I don't know what to do. My ex left 8years ago for one of the girls he cheated on me with. He spent the next 6 years trying to get back with me while still with her, i turned him down each time as i deserve better.

 

Well he's hardly been in our sons life as he girlfriend doesn't want him to. They had a child last year and has been back in contact with our son after nothing the last 2 years. A few times he's ignored our son on WhatsApp and has never put his picture up but has his baby up all the time. He apologised to our son for not being there and they've got on well, oh son is 11 years old. His girlfriend acts funny with my son and still tries to keep ex away but he's finally standing up to her, apparently he's not happy and tried to leave her many times (accoridng to his mum) but i don't care about that. His family know she's pulling the strings but i blame my ex for going along with it.

 

He promised son he'd come see him last Sunday and when son asked what times he's coming the week before (week of Monday 25th) he hasn't responded and son hasn't heard from him since. It was sons brothers birthday two days ago, son sent a happy birthday message to dad and he didntrespond until son messaged again asking if he's angry with him, ex responded no and he loves him. He told son he loves again in another message.

 

I know my son is hurt, i found his diary that day where he wrote his dad doesn't love him and only loves his baby. I don't know what to do, my ex MIL is no longer helping as she has her son back (his girlfriend kept him from his family too) and i had a go at ex telling him to stop ignoring both son and his mum and he did after that. I can't force my ex to be involved , I've ask son if he wants to end contact but he doesn't .

 

It breaks my heart as he loves his dad and they used to be so close. I feel like i failed him as a mum and maybe its my fault because i didn't take my ex back but he hurt me so much how could i ever go back to that. Advice needed please as what to do about son and his dad.

 

Well last night my son said he doesn't want to see his dad anymore and when I asked why he said no reason he just doesn't want to. I know there is a reason I did try to press him for more information but he keeps saying no reason.

 

So I've just read his diary again (I know I shouldn't invade his privacy but I'm really worried) and yesterday he wrote that he feels his dad doesn't love or care for him as they hardly talk anymore (the last 2/3 weeks I believe) and that he doesn't want to see him anymore he will just leave him to his new family. This breaks my heart and there is nothing I can do I can't force my ex to be involved. I did consider asking him to come round and show him the dairy but i don't know if it will make a difference. He makes out he loves our son but his actions prove otherwise.

 

Should I just agree with what son says he wants (I know he'd love to have his dad in his life) and we just cut our losses and forget dad, leave him to his life and us to ours? Sons birthday is at the end of the month and if his dad doesn't put his picture up and write a lovely status on whatsapp I know he will be devastated.

 

I blame myself because if I didn't have my son with my ex then he wouldn't have to go through this. My ex forced me to have our son, as in his words he has trapped me now I'm his forever and no one else's so why treat our son this way.

[Wiseman2]

Try not to fuel this consciously or unconsciously. Many kids of estranged parents have to deal with their parents competing over who is the better parent and new siblings coming along from new partner. Try not to trash talk the father in front of the son.

 

Perhaps some therapy in co-parenting will help since a child of 11 shouldn't have to deal with all these adult decisions and conflicts. All kids have to make room for new siblings whether they are whole-siblings or half-siblings try to help your son understand, rather than be hurt because of your feelings about it. That baby is his new half-sibling not "your ex's gf's kid"

[DancingFool]

Agree with the above - stop fueling the situation with your own misplaced guilt and emotions running wild.

 

This kind of stuff happens in pretty much every family when a new child is born. The existing child will go and have to learn to deal with change, feelings of being misplaced, not getting the same attention from the parents, jealousy, wondering if the parents don't love them anymore because the new child is taking up so much energy and attention, etc, etc, etc. Some will have a harder time with acceptance than others and it's on the parents to walk their children through these changes and adjustments and help them understand that life happens, attention going elsewhere doesn't mean they are not loved the same way, etc.

 

Also, for the love of......explain to your son that social media doesn't define real life and real feelings and real relationships.

 

I think you would do well to talk to someone about how to address these changes in life with your son in a healthy way, to help him adjust and accept and be happy and well adjusted himself, instead of allowing negative emotions to rule him and YOU and run wild over both of you.

 

You've been apart long enough and you know your ex was no good. Enough time has passed now for you to be able to set aside the past, focus on finding a way to coparent in peace and quit treating his SO and new child as Enemy #1. Like it or not, your son has a half-sibling now and it would be good you work with him over acceptance and make it exciting and cool rather than a bad thing. Again, urging you to talk to someone on how to go about that and how to have those conversations, including how to address things with your ex in a better way.

[ChocALicious]

Excuse me you both have the situation completely wrong I've done nothing but try to co-parent with my ex but he's unreasonable, when he abandoned our son i didn't harass him and i never talk badly about him to our son in fact I'm always telling my son that his dad does love him. Also i encourage his relationship with his baby brother, i even bought a present for the baby. I had to have words with my ex when his girlfriend refused to let our son meet the baby making my son cry and then my ex stood up to her. I'm not the enemy her in fact I've been overly helpful and drive my son to my ex MIL in when her son won't do it!

 

I'm the one who keeps telling son not to give up on his dad. I don't want my ex i spent 6yrs turning him down and i remain civil with him for our sons sake even though I'd rather have nothing to do with him. Wow all i asked was how to help son with this situation and I'm being attacked. I tell son the baby is his brother i don't say half-sibling unlike his mum who stressed that to my son the first time he finally met and who ignores my son when he's with them. I encourage a relationship between the four of them and have no issues with the baby or mother.

[reinventmyself]

Wow. . I didn't read anyone attacking you. Not sure where that came from.

 

I think you have gotten some valuable feedback. Maybe consider rereading it because there wasn't any personal attacks, that I could see.

 

Having been through a divorce with kids I can only share with you what I have learned. And I learned this with the help of a therapist.

 

You need to start to view your son's relationship with his father as separate. You are all no longer a unit or team. You can't influence dad, you can only

support your son. Their relationship is from this point on `hands off'

 

What ever dad does, he is accountable to his son. You are not to get involved (unless it's seriously harmful in the eyes of the law)

 

You'd best serve your son as being his support system. You need to be his safe place to come to.

You don't disparage dad and at the same time you don't make excuses for him either.

 

Life is difficult and people close to us will let us down. As much as you might like to protect your son from disappointment, you can't.

It's a life lesson.

 

I get that as a mom your protective maternal drive comes out, but this isn't something you have any control over.

Be there for you son. Listen to him, encourage and console.

 

Don't get involved in the relationship between he and his dad.

It's between them.

[abitbroken]

Stop reading your son's diary. he needs to feel safe. If you are concerned about how he feels, ask him, but don't invade his privacy.

 

I would tell your ex never to promise anything to your child because he doesn't follow through. If he wants to see him, show up unannounced and be in the audience at a school play, ball game, etc, or come over, but don't promise ahead of time because that is not fair. He needs to earn his way back.

[abitbroken]

I tell son the baby is his brother i don't say half-sibling unlike his mum who stressed that to my son the first time he finally met and who ignores my son when he's with them. I encourage a relationship between the four of them and have no issues with the baby or mother.

 

Don't encourage any relationship. let your son take the lead as well as your ex. It is on their terms. Don't force it.