Girlfriend wants Me to be more emotionally open, Terrified of it.

[mountian87]

So my[m17] girlfriend[f17] who i have known since early childhood wants Me to be emotionally open. I have always been a pretty stoic person but lately I have been going through some stuff that has noticeably bothering me. The problem is is that the other day I happened to find myself on another website about the hardest part of being a man. Many of them said that You can in no way be anything other that stoic. There were many replies from guys who have had long term relationships come crashing down as soon as they opened up. One guy said it happened to him twice, both girls he loved and thought he was going to marry.I have also heard the complete oppisite stories from women. That when their man opened up to them they grew closer together. So right now I'm really confused and stressed. So pretty much I'm terrified of opening up to her emotionally because i'm so scared of losing a girl I love and have known my whole life. I trust her fully when she says she wants me to open up but then again so have many other guys who have lost girls because of it. So anyway I was hoping You guys could give me some advice on this situation because we are both young and pretty inexperienced. TL;DR Terrified of opening up to my girlfriend because of all the stories I've heard of it backfiring.

[lostandhurt]

Okay take this from a man that was taught that men do not cry, do not show emotion and certainly never show weakness by my father that was tough as nails and a hard man that lived a hard life growing up. To give you an idea how tough, he once had a chainsaw kickback at him and cut his face open from his forehead to his chin and then drove himself to the hospital and refused help. I learned how to be like him at his side but it was a one sided education.

 

They were good lessons and served me well for many years but it crippled me in a way I had never could have imagined.

 

I learned the hard way that holding in emotion, being stoic and strong are actually the exact opposite of those things because you are actually hiding behind a wall instead of facing the hardship or heartbreak. Basically you are afraid and end up hiding from those things that could expose you.

 

Women are attracted to strong men and yes if you go from being strong and then crumble into a whimpering boy they may think less of you but if you show a softer side, a side that has empathy, isn't afraid to cry if you are very sad, isn't scared of losing someone for be human.

 

I would bet more guys have lost a great woman from being not emotional enough, not to much. Open up slowly and don't be afraid to let her see a softer side of you once in a while.

 

Lost

[Hollyj]

Nothing is more frustrating than a man who is incapable of showing emotion. I want someone I can connect with and trust, not a brick wall.

 

Don't you think it's time that you gave your partner some credit and trust her.

[mountian87]

Yes I definitely trust her, it's just that I have heard of so many horror stories from men of losing a girl they loved because they opened up. Then i hear the complete opposite from women. That it helps a relationship grow. I don't want to be in a relationship where I have to shove everything down but on the other hand I'm terrified that I might lose her.

[Hollyj]

If you have so little faith in your partner, then you are with the wrong girl.

 

I think it's time to show that you are a man and can be vulnerable. If I were her, I would take it to heart that you could not share with me. She has told you what she wants. Listen!

[mountian87]

Yea I guess if I really trust her I should be able to open up. Do You have any advice on how to open up? We are both pretty young and inexperienced, I imagine there is a good and bad way to go about opening up.

[itsallgrand]

I'm a woman and yet I relate.

 

It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Start with something small. Take your time and go at a pace that is comfortable for you. See how she handles that. Remember too she is just one person, so how she responds or not does not reflect on all women. It's ok to need time to open up.

 

Can you think of a small not too scary thing you could share?

[mountian87]

Yea I have things that I could open up about. It's just that hearing all those stories of relationships failing because You GF saw You as weak and vulnerable have made Me kind of shy away from the idea of opening up. Then I hear stories from women who say they grow closer when their man opens up. I'm just really confused and nervous I guess.

[Lone She Wolf]

I'm sorry, but I have never heard of a woman leaving because the man opened up to her....never. I have, however, heard of women leave when the man admitted to something that he had been lying to her about for a long time....it doesn't seem that's the case here. I wouldn't place too much credit on whatever websites you're reading, you aren't getting the whole story, just one side of it. Opening up is not the same thing as admitting that you've been lying for a long time or that you've been hiding some be ugly secret.

 

If something is bothering you and you want to share it with your gf, tell her you want to share something personal with her and that it makes you anxious, but that you want to tell her about it. Or you could start with asking her..."hey, how do you bring up something to someone if it makes you feel vulnerable" and see where that leads....

 

I really commend you for wanting to talk more honestly with your gf and wanting to get emotionally closer to her. It takes courage, that's why it's difficult. If you want to act based on fear, than keep on being stoic and see where that leads - I doubt it's anywhere you want to end up.

[mountian87]

Yea that's what I thought. Maybe those guys who opened up opened up and revealed something bad or they did it to quickly or something. I'm normally pretty good at dealing with My emotions myself but lately there have been things noticeably bothering Me. That's the reason she wants Me to open up because I've been in a agitated mood. But then I feel guilty for not being the nicest person and withdraw from her even more out of guilt.

[j.man]

Men don't lose women for opening up or even having a cry. They lose women when it becomes a weekly thing. And you know what? Women lose men for the same thing. Everyone should know how to internalize and deal with issues on their own to some extent. But you should also be able to occasionally depend on your partner for emotional support.

 

In three years, I've cried twice in front of my girlfriend. Once after my childhood cat of 18 years was put down and another time when I had a really bad PTSD relapse. There wasn't some romantic surge or anything like that. It didn't make me feel closer to her or anything as I already knew she was always there if I wanted that option. But she's of course only happy to be able to lend me a shoulder when I needed one.

 

As long as you don't take it as a license to emotionally unload on a dime, it's perfectly fine and safe to share negative emotions with your girlfriend.

 

ETA: At the same time, don't ever feel pressured to have to open up about something if it is something you genuinely would rather deal with on your own. I've been there and done that, too. It's historically been one of my biggest incompatibilities with women in that I simply don't need to vent a whole lot. I greatly prefer that partners unload troubles on each other on a strictly "as needed basis." This has been interpreted as me not being serious about them or not trusting them or them simply assuming I've got all these hidden troubles bottled up when it's simply not the case.

[SooSad33]

I agree with much of what has been said.

 

No one wants a partner to have no emotion, to b cold towards them, etc... but no one wants to feel they're being used as an emotional crutch either.

 

Thing is.... is you can't 'fake' who you are for long. eventually one's guard is going to come down and this is when we come to learn IF we're really that compatible.

 

So.. b yourself! It is okay to crack under pressures now n then.. we're human... we have many stressors thru life. A relationship also takes time... it takes work from both sides and being real. No lies, no deceit...But, working together, communication, comforting etc... and soon enough you will come to see IF you two can make things work.

[Wiseman2]

What is there to open up about? Yes, share your thoughts and feelings appropriately. However be true to yourself, some people wear there hearts on their sleeves some don't.

 

Being true to yourself means doing whats right for you, not what your gf and her girlfriends talk about and think they want from their bfs and now she's pressuring you about it...

I have always been a pretty stoic.

[mountian87]

Men don't lose women for opening up or even having a cry. They lose women when it becomes a weekly thing. And you know what? Women lose men for the same thing. Everyone should know how to internalize and deal with issues on their own to some extent. But you should also be able to occasionally depend on your partner for emotional support.

 

In three years, I've cried twice in front of my girlfriend. Once after my childhood cat of 18 years was put down and another time when I had a really bad PTSD relapse. There wasn't some romantic surge or anything like that. It didn't make me feel closer to her or anything as I already knew she was always there if I wanted that option. But she's of course only happy to be able to lend me a shoulder when I needed one.

 

As long as you don't take it as a license to emotionally unload on a dime, it's perfectly fine and safe to share negative emotions with your girlfriend.

 

ETA: At the same time, don't ever feel pressured to have to open up about something if it is something you genuinely would rather deal with on your own. I've been there and done that, too. It's historically been one of my biggest incompatibilities with women in that I simply don't need to vent a whole lot. I greatly prefer that partners unload troubles on each other on a strictly "as needed basis." This has been interpreted as me not being serious about them or not trusting them or them simply assuming I've got all these hidden troubles bottled up when it's simply not the case.

 

Yea it's just I keep hearing these completely conflicting stories from both genders. Women say it's good to open up and be vulnerable then men say it's a relationship killer. I'm just confused and don't understand which way to go I guess.

[katrina1980]

So my[m17] girlfriend[f17] who i have known since early childhood wants Me to be emotionally open. I have always been a pretty stoic person but lately I have been going through some stuff that has noticeably bothering me. The problem is is that the other day I happened to find myself on another website about the hardest part of being a man. Many of them said that You can in no way be anything other that stoic. There were many replies from guys who have had long term relationships come crashing down as soon as they opened up. One guy said it happened to him twice, both girls he loved and thought he was going to marry.I have also heard the complete oppisite stories from women. That when their man opened up to them they grew closer together. So right now I'm really confused and stressed. So pretty much I'm terrified of opening up to her emotionally because i'm so scared of losing a girl I love and have known my whole life. I trust her fully when she says she wants me to open up but then again so have many other guys who have lost girls because of it. So anyway I was hoping You guys could give me some advice on this situation because we are both young and pretty inexperienced. TL;DR Terrified of opening up to my girlfriend because of all the stories I've heard of it backfiring.

 

Of course you're gonna here opposite stories, that's because every woman is different, every situation is different, every relationship is different.

 

It also depends on how exactly these men whose gf's get turned off are "opening up" to her.

 

If by opening up, they're using her as an "emotional tampon" unloading all their troubles on her, or overwhelming her with their emotions and feelings, then YES most women will become turned OFF by that.

 

Most MEN would too, if the tables were turned. NO ONE enjoys being their partner's "emotional tampon."

 

I say this because I have seen situations wherein a woman expressed to her bf she wanted him to open up, and in his mind, suddenly that gave him license to become an emotional vampire, zapping the life out of her via HIS constant expression of feelings and emotions.

 

On the other hand, there is opening up in a reasonable manner. Letting her know how you feel about her.... in a calm direct and forthright manner..... then letting it go.

 

Or occasionally opening up (positive AND negative) about your job, your friends or family, again in a reasonable, direct manner. WITHOUT going overboard, becoming an emotional vampire.

 

You are only 17, so I wouldn't worry about this too much at your age. In time as you mature, you will learn about boundaries.... how much to give (emotionally) and how much to hold back.

 

In short though, don't EVER become an emotional vampire as described above or "use" your gf as you personal "emotional tampon."

 

That is NOT what is meant by being "emotionally available" to your partner.

 

Hope that helped and good luck as you navigate through this process.... which by the way takes a LONG time to navigate, understand and get right.

 

I am in my mid-30s and I am still trying to understand it all!

[Ms Darcy]

I think you need to understand that if you don't open up to her, she will eventually leave for someone who does.

[Ms Darcy]

Men don't lose women for opening up or even having a cry. They lose women when it becomes a weekly thing. And you know what? Women lose men for the same thing. Everyone should know how to internalize and deal with issues on their own to some extent. But you should also be able to occasionally depend on your partner for emotional support.

 

In three years, I've cried twice in front of my girlfriend. Once after my childhood cat of 18 years was put down and another time when I had a really bad PTSD relapse. There wasn't some romantic surge or anything like that. It didn't make me feel closer to her or anything as I already knew she was always there if I wanted that option. But she's of course only happy to be able to lend me a shoulder when I needed one.

 

As long as you don't take it as a license to emotionally unload on a dime, it's perfectly fine and safe to share negative emotions with your girlfriend.

 

I am sorry about your cat.

[j.man]

I am sorry about your cat.

RIP Napoleon

 

]

[j.man]

Yea it's just I keep hearing these completely conflicting stories from both genders. Women say it's good to open up and be vulnerable then men say it's a relationship killer. I'm just confused and don't understand which way to go I guess.

The men saying so were probably big babies.

[mountian87]

Of course you're gonna here opposite stories, that's because every woman is different, every situation is different, every relationship is different.

 

It also depends on how exactly these men whose gf's get turned off are "opening up" to her.

 

If by opening up, they're using her as an "emotional tampon" unloading all their troubles on her, or overwhelming her with their emotions and feelings, then YES most women will become turned OFF by that.

 

Most MEN would too, if the tables were turned. NO ONE enjoys being their partner's "emotional tampon."

 

I say this because I have seen situations wherein a woman expressed to her bf she wanted him to open up, and in his mind, suddenly that gave him license to become an emotional vampire, zapping the life out of her via HIS constant expression of feelings and emotions.

 

On the other hand, there is opening up in a reasonable manner. Letting her know how you feel about her.... in a calm direct and forthright manner..... then letting it go.

 

Or occasionally opening up (positive AND negative) about your job, your friends or family, again in a reasonable, direct manner. WITHOUT going overboard, becoming an emotional vampire.

 

You are only 17, so I wouldn't worry about this too much at your age. In time as you mature, you will learn about boundaries.... how much to give (emotionally) and how much to hold back.

 

In short though, don't EVER become an emotional vampire as described above or "use" your gf as you personal "emotional tampon."

 

That is NOT what is meant by being "emotionally available" to your partner.

 

Hope that helped and good luck as you navigate through this process.... which by the way takes a LONG time to navigate, understand and get right.

 

I am in my mid-30s and I am still trying to understand it all!

 

Thanks that's great advice!

[mountian87]

The men saying so were probably big babies.

 

Yea, possibly I just personally don't want to be in a relastionship were I can't show emotion. But all those stories from those guys about their GF seeing them vulnerable and weak and then never seeing them the same again have got Me a bit nervous.

[Wiseman2]

They don't want to see clingy needy men. Be the guy who expresses himself naturally. Neither macho nor Disney.

Yea, possibly I just personally don't want to be in a relastionship were I can't show emotion. But all those stories from those guys about their GF seeing them vulnerable and weak and then never seeing them the same again have got Me a bit nervous.

[mountian87]

They don't want to see clingy needy men. Be the guy who expresses himself naturally. Neither macho nor Disney.

 

Yea have to have that balance I guess

[Lone She Wolf]

I think we are talking about two different things. In my mind these two things are:

 

1. Opening up means sharing how you feel with someone that you wouldn't normally share with just anyone. That's it! What in the world is wrong with that....nothing.

 

Then there's the emotional vampire that someone described...

 

2. Frequently (like more than 70% of the time you interact with someone) COMPLAINING about how much of a victim you are and/or expecting the other person to agree with you and/or expecting the other person to do something about it or help you come up with a solution. This would be a pattern of complaining or and playing the victim, which, yes...it's a total turnoff.

 

But if you can own your emotions and process them properly, whether on your own or with the help of a therapist, or by talking it out with someone or whatever....you can take a situation that's bothering you, figure it out and then solve it so that it no longer bothers you, or at least accept it so that it doesn't affect your life in a negative way, then sharing this with someone is not weakness or neediness. It shows strength and courage - 1. because you aren't playing the victim and you're not asking your gf to see you that way or do something about YOUR problems., and 2. because you show that you trust her enough to share.

 

My guess is that the guys who's gf's left them were doing #2 above and calling it "opening up", AND then they blame their gf's for leaving, which further victimizes them...see, they are showing their pattern in the very story they tell.

[mountian87]

I think we are talking about two different things. In my mind these two things are:

 

1. Opening up means sharing how you feel with someone that you wouldn't normally share with just anyone. That's it! What in the world is wrong with that....nothing.

 

Then there's the emotional vampire that someone described...

 

2. Frequently (like more than 70% of the time you interact with someone) COMPLAINING about how much of a victim you are and/or expecting the other person to agree with you and/or expecting the other person to do something about it or help you come up with a solution. This would be a pattern of complaining or and playing the victim, which, yes...it's a total turnoff.

 

But if you can own your emotions and process them properly, whether on your own or with the help of a therapist, or by talking it out with someone or whatever....you can take a situation that's bothering you, figure it out and then solve it so that it no longer bothers you, or at least accept it so that it doesn't affect your life in a negative way, then sharing this with someone is not weakness or neediness. It shows strength and courage - 1. because you aren't playing the victim and you're not asking your gf to see you that way or do something about YOUR problems., and 2. because you show that you trust her enough to share.

 

My guess is that the guys who's gf's left them were doing #2 above and calling it "opening up", AND then they blame their gf's for leaving, which further victimizes them...see, they are showing their pattern in the very story they tell.

 

Yea I always thought a good healthy relationship was based around communication and openness. Then I read all of that stuff about relationships failing because of it and guys saying they will never do it again really got inside my head.