Does the 6-8 week rule apply in this case?

[Karie Landry]

Hi all,

 

I recently came across a very interesting read called "Getting to I do"

 

I will copy and paste what the author has said on the 6-8 week rule. But before I do that, here's my question :

 

The author talks about how men will process the break up and 6-8 weeks will be the rule of thumb to follow.

 

I am wondering if this process would still apply in my case. My boyfriend and I broke up due to his non-commital reasons at the time. During a rare mishap over the phone, he decided he didn't want it anymore.

I was stunned for sure as I thought we both were in love with each other very much. I should add that we're in a long distance relationship for a few months (and we were originally friends for about 12 years before this).

 

I let the dust settle. I did NC for a few weeks and decided I would slowly ease my communication. Fortunately, we made great progress. He confessed he had been acting stupid this whole time and he may have acted too abruptly. He claimed there is no else he truly looks up to nor respects from all the women that have been options. He said he wanted to come meet me and talk this out. Unfortunately, while his words were beautiful and so relieving to hear, his action to commit and actually put forth some effort still was not there. He never ended up coming to meet me. Realizing that this could have very well been an outcome, I had still vowed to give us another shot after NC had ended. I was deeply in love with him (and I still am).

 

Eventually, I told him after enough waiting that I must gracefully let go if he still isntsure of what he wants (I was patient from Aug to end of Oct). So this time, after approaching this one more time, I have walked away. I needed to see if there was anything left worth fighting for. Seemed one-sided and it hurt like hell. But I tried. I had to do it for myself because the initial breakup felt like it wasn't a full breakup.

 

*So my question is, does the 6-8 week process for a man apply here? Or does the fact that this is sort of our 2nd attempt not allow that theory to be valid here? Technically it was not a break up this time around since we were not together. So i would just like some advice (in terms of how a guy will be processing this, and if the same principles in theory still apply as to if he will feel similar stages as the author explains when a break up happens). *

 

In case it matters: we broke up in July. Started talking again mid August. Oct 28th was when I had to muster up the strength and tell him that I'm grateful for our progress but it's stagnant and I should leave.

 

 

 

And now, here is the excerpt from the book, author's words:

---------------------------------------------

 

Here is what the author wrote:

 

"Remember that a normal, right handed, focused and logical man needs four to eight weeks to evalulate the loss of you. This is a decision of emotional significance both left lobed logic, in this case: "Do I want to call her again?" and right lobed feelings "I miss her, she is a really nice, sexy lady. Should I call her again?"

 

If he calls in two to four weeks, it means he was ready for committment and needed only to evalute things for a little while. Many men can manage four weeks apart from a woman that they care about quite easily. If he calls after six weeks, a crucial time, he has made a rational, male decision. As I said before, eight weeks is critical. If he has called within that time frame, stop waiting and go on to other men and other experiences."

 

Many masculine, bullheaded men must feel the pain of loss before they realize they want to be married.

 

I must emphasize that this is a critical time, when one incorrect action on your part can extend your painful bon to the wrong man. So it is imperative that you understand what is happening during this process.

 

As I have said, it takes approximately eight weeks for a man to process his decision. For four weeks, he can usually function superfically, dating, working and living. At first, his left lobe logic says "Who needs her! I'll decide how things go between us. No woman controls me!" (side note from OP: This applys when a relationship has ended and the woman walked away because the man did not want to commit.)

If he is in love with you, and not just using you for sex, but didn't 'know' he as in love, somewhere around six to eight weeks he will miss you so badly that he may call to ask to be "friends."

 

Don't do it! This rekindles your oxytocin bonding. Don't listen to his voice on his voicemail or let him listen to yours. Change your recording so he can't get a fix off of you and be able to stay away longer. (side note from OP: This book was written before the social networking sites, chat and texting became popular so this also applies now! Delete him so he can't see you and get a fix off of you!) Don't tast, touch, see, hear or smell him or you will lose that tension building separation anxiety. Let the rubber band stretch and stretch.

 

Don't call him for any reason. If you are patient, you can control your impulsive need to reconnect before eight weeks. If you call him, you lose and he wins. Sex is all you will get and you will end up hating each other."

 

But if you don't call (OP added text, email, message, facebook, etc.) as his right lobe feels the pain, he will realize why he hurts. He misses you, no one else can replace you. He must have another chance to be with you which will lead him to call you and and admit that he is in love with you and wants committment.

 

However if he doesn't call in eight weeks, its over. Start duty-dating, dress up, get out and read self help books, get on with your life as a single woman. If you have had a long term relationhship, it might take as long as two years for you to get over him so don't sit around. A new love will take you away from him."

------------------------------------------------------------

 

Please provide your advice.

[rosephase]

Um... that rule won't apply because it's made up garbage trying to generalize all men into one person. It's a book designed to sell to desperate people in desperate moments. it's being extremely simplistic in order to sound reassuring.

[Kaykayxo]

Agreed! You cannot act like things you read online or in match making books are the rule of thumb. So how did he react when you walked away? And where you simply walking away in hopes to elicit a certain reaction?

 

You are lowering your value to stick around a man like this. You should not have to play games like "8 week rules"..if he was serious about it he would be serious about it. If he wanted you he would act on it. That simple. You need to forget about him and move on and find somebody who puts in that effort.

[ParisPaulette]

The only "rule" I ever found that worked in getting rid of heartache from a breakup was to go NC and stay NC long enough for sanity to finally win the day. Our hearts, bluntly speaking, are idiots that like to lead us off of cliffs sometimes and then we wonder why we're in agony from broken bones at the bottom of said cliff metaphorically speaking.

plus

It's ridiculous the whole lobe this and brain that and time something else plus rules. If that were all it took and every single human being was locked into following that "rule" there would be no long-term breakups. We'd all just wait it out then get back together. Of course, I did do something like that for six years with a guy on and off--I really don't recommend it. Such a massive waste of my time, I really wish I'd just walked away after the 2nd change.

 

I am a believer in trying twice IF the relationship wasn't toxic or abusive, but once you've tried twice and it hasn't panned out it's time to cut the line and swim forward solo. You will heal much faster from that than you will to keep trying with someone over and over who doesn't want what you want and who can't give you what you want, since it's not on their long-term agenda.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to say but neither women nor men are as simple as trained circus monkeys whether it's "picking up women" or "get your ex back" or "get him to marry you".

 

Sadly you learned the hard way that repeated breakups then coming back do not work to force someone's hand. To be honest there were just too many factors including LDR, incompatibilities, communication, different time lines and life stages and goals. It may be best to consider this a final break up and move on to local compatible men who share your goals.

 

Please burn book this unless you want to be single forever. Landry;6682882]I recently came across a very interesting read called "Getting to I do"