Jasminerice Posted November 3, 2016 Share Posted November 3, 2016 I've been friends with benefits but also very close friends with a guy for a year. He's recently divorced and also in the military so he has always said he doesn't want to get into a relationship again. He's not even 30 yet. He's currently deployed and his mom sent me a friend request on Facebook. We have tagged each other in a couple of things over the year so she saw that. But since she added me he has been distant. He gets back soon and I'm anxious about what's going on. I don't want to bother him since I know he's busy in Afghanistan. Is this a good sign that his mom sent me a friend request? Since I do love him and do want more with him, what should I do from here? Link to comment
Edmund Exley Posted November 3, 2016 Share Posted November 3, 2016 His mom's actions have nothing to do with what he wants. You're grasping at straws. If you like this guy, shut off the FWB and have a real talk about needing more. I think his making it clear he doesnt want to be in a relationship was all you needed to hear. Guys rarely say what they don't mean in these occasions. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted November 3, 2016 Share Posted November 3, 2016 I think his mom's choice is meaningless. If you want to have a relationship with him, tell him -without apology, drama or a backstory and tell him if he ever changes his mind he knows where to find you. Honestly, I think since he's been totally honest with you I would simply move on but it might be worth it to let him know how you feel in a very simple way -one short sentence "I am not comfortable having sex with you unless we plan to be in a committed relationship" Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted November 3, 2016 Share Posted November 3, 2016 Carry on with letters and other forms of correspondence the same as you always have and when he gets back tell him this: I do love him and do want more with him (change the "him's" to "You's") and see what he has to say about it. Perhaps His mother adding you to facebook doesn't mean anything other then she thinks you and he are friends. Is she friends with any of his other friends? Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted November 3, 2016 Share Posted November 3, 2016 It's really what he tells you even though you are hoping for more. His mom may just be curious, because he probably doesn't talk about his sex life with his mother... Doubt if his contact level and her friend request are related. What are you plans when he returns?I've been friends with benefits but also very close friends with a guy for a year. He's currently deployed and his mom sent me a friend request on Facebook. Is this a good sign that his mom sent me a friend request? Since I do love him and do want more with him, what should I do from here? Link to comment
Jasminerice Posted November 3, 2016 Author Share Posted November 3, 2016 Carry on with letters and other forms of correspondence the same as you always have and when he gets back tell him this: (change the "him's" to "You's") and see what he has to say about it. Perhaps His mother adding you to facebook doesn't mean anything other then she thinks you and he are friends. Is she friends with any of his other friends? It's really what he tells you even though you are hoping for more. His mom may just be curious, because he probably doesn't talk about his sex like with his mother... Doubt if his contact level and her friend request are related. What are you plans when he returns? I think the only reason I haven't moved on is because we act like we're in a relationship. I hang out with his friends, he's met my parents, I've met his boss/bosses family, we spend most of our free time together. It was never a late night booty call situation. He told me he loved me last year. We call each other best friends. No, his mom isn't fb friends with any of his closest friends. I don't have a plan on anything for when he gets back.. I cut things off with him once and normally I get over things easily but I felt awful for months so I rekindled our friendship. I guess I'll have to see how things are when I see him again. Link to comment
Edmund Exley Posted November 3, 2016 Share Posted November 3, 2016 I think the only reason I haven't moved on is because we act like we're in a relationship. I hang out with his friends, he's met my parents, I've met his boss/bosses family, we spend most of our free time together. It was never a late night booty call situation. He told me he loved me last year. We call each other best friends. No, his mom isn't fb friends with any of his closest friends. I don't have a plan on anything for when he gets back.. I cut things off with him once and normally I get over things easily but I felt awful for months so I rekindled our friendship. I guess I'll have to see how things are when I see him again. You ever heard the story about free milk and the cow? How about the story where you can have a cake, and eat it too? Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted November 3, 2016 Share Posted November 3, 2016 Not being in a committed relationship with you gives him the opportunity to partake in other options if they arise when he's away for extended periods of time, which will happen since he's in the military. He's been honest with you and he may very well love you but you give him no reason to change the status quo as long as he's getting to enjoy you when he's home and (possibly) others when he's not. Tell him how you feel and if he's not on board with being in an exclusive MORE then FWB dynamic with you, then you'd be doing yourself an emotional favor by ending the dynamic, healing from your addiction to him and moving on so that you can find a good guy that wants to be your boyfriend while he loves you. Let us know what he says when you talk to him about this. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted November 3, 2016 Share Posted November 3, 2016 You need to tell him, or you are wasting your time. it will also cause unnecessary hurt to pretend you can be his sex buddy. Link to comment
Jasminerice Posted November 3, 2016 Author Share Posted November 3, 2016 He's known for a while that I would like a relationship with him, I've told him but he says he's not ready for that commitment yet. Which is confusing because his actions are that we are in a relationship. And sometimes I want to walk away but other times I know how much I'll miss all the fun we have. Then I wonder if I'm being silly since we pretty much are in a relationship, there's just no label and i think he's scared of being hurt again. We even go on dates and he pays for everything. I've tried dating other guys but none of them compare to him. Last time I told him I had to walk away he kept telling me that he missed me afterward. I just feel stuck. Do I walk away or let things flow naturally into a solid relationship? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted November 4, 2016 Share Posted November 4, 2016 Most adults are scared of being hurt again and most adults choose a relationship over fear. I would walk away unless you are ok with a sexual arrangement with no future potential. If you have to grasp at straws about his mom adding you on facebook then I'm sort but you have your answer. Actions usually are more important but the words "I don't want a relationship yet" gives him carte blanche to act like a couple but not lead you on. Also you come across as kind of settling for scraps. Link to comment
Jasminerice Posted November 4, 2016 Author Share Posted November 4, 2016 Im thinking about telling him that we can remain friends but I'm no longer willing to sleep with someone that I'm not in a relationship with. Link to comment
SooSad33 Posted November 4, 2016 Share Posted November 4, 2016 Im thinking about telling him that we can remain friends but I'm no longer willing to sleep with someone that I'm not in a relationship with. Exactly! You know how many times it's th woman who gets her 'emotions' involved in this situation? More often than men do, sadly... You knew what he said about not wanting a relationship.... b cautious in these situations. I've been there.. walked away. as I was NO longer willing to get myself involved half a$$. I recently was intertwined with an idiot.. and he got m overly emotionally involved very fast- with his crap Had to fight myself out of it all... ugh! No more... Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted November 4, 2016 Share Posted November 4, 2016 A FWB's situation usually has an expiration date and although it's not unheard of, it rarely turns into a full blown relationship. I wouldn't fool myself into thinking "he's scared of being hurt" etc, simply because if he wanted to be in a relationship he'd make that clear, rather than risk losing you. I would take a realistic view of this, and proceed with caution. Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted November 4, 2016 Share Posted November 4, 2016 For as long as he keeps saying he doesn't want a relationship he has covered all bases in his mind ..and you are carrying on knowing this and accepting this and you have little defense ... so of course he will carry on with this cos in his mind you know what the rules are and are prepared to carry on . Friends with his mum on facebook is step too far for him when you are a FWB I imagine . Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted November 4, 2016 Share Posted November 4, 2016 A FWB's situation usually has an expiration date and although it's not unheard of, it rarely turns into a full blown relationship. I wouldn't fool myself into thinking "he's scared of being hurt" etc, simply because if he wanted to be in a relationship he'd make that clear, rather than risk losing you. I would take a realistic view of this, and proceed with caution. yeah I agree with this ...if I liked someone enough I would risk it ...that is a commonly used excuse to basically say you are NOT worth it because the feelings are not there and are not likely to develop I am sorry to say . Link to comment
DancingFool Posted November 4, 2016 Share Posted November 4, 2016 Ah....the good old fwb.... FWB = I will sleep with you and treat you as a quasi-gf/bf and maybe do gf/bf type things with you, BUT I am actively looking for someone else and the second I find them you are out of here. Pity the fool who develops feelings and keeps on carrying on hoping they'll actually end up in a real relationship by virtue of their availability for this quasi whatever set up. Anyway OP, as you've already figured out, let him know that you will not do this anymore. Either he is all in with you, aka committed relationship, or you are moving on and finding someone who wants to be that with you. Either way, the quasi-whatever nonsense is over. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted November 4, 2016 Share Posted November 4, 2016 He's known for a while that I would like a relationship with him, I've told him but he says he's not ready for that commitment yet. Which is confusing because his actions are that we are in a relationship. And sometimes I want to walk away but other times I know how much I'll miss all the fun we have. Then I wonder if I'm being silly since we pretty much are in a relationship, there's just no label and i think he's scared of being hurt again. We even go on dates and he pays for everything. I've tried dating other guys but none of them compare to him. Last time I told him I had to walk away he kept telling me that he missed me afterward. I just feel stuck. Do I walk away or let things flow naturally into a solid relationship? You are not in a relationship and he has told you so. I'm sorry to say this, but he's just not that into you, and will never be. He enjoys your friendship and gets sex on the side, without the responsibility of a relationship. This also means that he can be with as many women as he wants. i think that it's time that you LISTEN to what he is saying, instead of hoping that he will change his mind.. He won't. You need to respect and love yourself enough, to walk away from this, as it will never go anywhere! Link to comment
Jasminerice Posted November 4, 2016 Author Share Posted November 4, 2016 I have to be strong when he gets back this month because he's been gone for 7 months and hasn't been with a woman since he left, and I know he's already expecting it to happen with me. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted November 4, 2016 Share Posted November 4, 2016 You can't be friends with someone you have feelings for. Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted November 4, 2016 Share Posted November 4, 2016 I have to be strong when he gets back this month because he's been gone for 7 months and hasn't been with a woman since he left, and I know he's already expecting it to happen with me. just try and think of it like this ..he is using you to unload 7 months of no sex just cos you are available ...you know you are worth more than that darling . Link to comment
Andytheman Posted November 4, 2016 Share Posted November 4, 2016 Men commonly talk about the devastating impact of divorce these days and most have horror stories. He is going to be a lot more cautious before he commits to marriage again. You have to accept his reluctance if you want any chance at a LTR. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted November 4, 2016 Share Posted November 4, 2016 just try and think of it like this ..he is using you to unload 7 months of no sex just cos you are available ...you know you are worth more than that darling . I wish that I could thank this comment twice. You are not a hooker, who is there to serve him for his sexual needs. You need to want more for yourself. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted November 4, 2016 Share Posted November 4, 2016 Tell him you need and want to be his gf or that this isn't happening. You are not a random sperm receptacle for soldiers.I have to be strong when he gets back this month because he's been gone for 7 months and hasn't been with a woman since he left, and I know he's already expecting it to happen with me. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted November 5, 2016 Share Posted November 5, 2016 He's not ready for a relationship because he's not ready to stop sleeping with other people while he's deployed. Link to comment
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