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Hey. So I met a guy a few weeks back and I have a huge crush on him. I am a pansexual gender fluid person, and the guy is a bisexual transgender. I'm here to ask, specifically to those of you who are trans, or have dated trans men: how do I go about beginning something with him? I have never dated a trans person before. I'm also really bad at reading people's emotions. And as a side note, if anyone can help with the intimate part of being with a trans person. Anything but hate is greatly appreciated. Thank you!

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Is he or she m2f or f2m?

Hey. So I met a guy a few weeks back and I have a huge crush on him. I am a pansexual gender fluid person, and the guy is a bisexual transgender. I'm here to ask, specifically to those of you who are trans, or have dated trans men: how do I go about beginning something with him? I have never dated a trans person before. I'm also really bad at reading people's emotions. And as a side note, if anyone can help with the intimate part of being with a trans person. Anything but hate is greatly appreciated. Thank you!
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I'm fairly certain they don't produce trans people in factories and ship them out to the world. In terms of physical intimacy, one size doesn't fit all, and it stands to reason that's probably more true for trans folks than any other demographic. I'm sure intimacy is highly variable based on level of physical transition and, of course, personal preference.

 

Maybe worry about grabbing lunch before you start worrying about intimacy.

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One of the factors affecting intimacy with a transman is the way they relate to their body and where they are in terms of transition not only physically but also mentally. "Complete" physical transition complete with a series of operations where a penis is surgically produced is usually a long, relatively difficult and depending on the country an expensive process which may even be found oppressive by some people depending on where you look at it from. In my country, state permission is compulsory for the full transitioning process with a new ID to be completed and there is a lot of discrimination. That's why many transmen opt for the breast operation and use of hormones, which alters the form of genitals. Again, it is believed here that identifying yourself as trans is enough to be transsexual and there are a lot of people who choose to camouflage their breasts, use hormones and not go through any surgical operations. Some people may not want to bother with many operations at all and may opt for text toys which requires less effort. Depending on every individual's unique experience and process, people may develop sensitivities about certain organs. A friend of mine particularly asked his partners not to touch his breasts during sex but was quite proud of the way he looked after some operations. The way people relate to their genitals also differ. If you have questions in your minds, I think it would be best to develop a friendship first where you can talk about the experience openly and your friend will guide you in many things such as his preferred name for his genitals, where he positions himself in terms of gender(s), his boudily boundaries and preferences, how he may prefer being approached etc. These are not conversations to be feared and usually friendship helps with many questions you may have in your mind. And if attraction happens, it is best to leave yourself to the situation and you two will discover what you like and don't like. One of my friends who is politically active speaks about how his experience as a feminist woman before he identified as trans is a part of his being that he never wishes to overlook and does not like sexual practices based on established behaviours of heterosexual man and woman thing. With him, you would need to have conversations and get to know him well before proceeding to intimacy. Another friend, on the contrary, quite enjoys these codes and is quite a macho man. So I think getting to know a person really helps. As for how to begin something, like anyone else really. Whatever you usually do to move from the crush stage to the dating stage.

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He is female to male, we have spent a lot of time together, and I know what the transition process is. He has been on hormones for about a year and has had top surgery. At first glance most would assume he is male. I'm asking because I don't want to ever make him uncomfortable and if things did escalate to being intimate, I would want to know general knowledge of what might make a trans person uncomfortable.

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So I met a guy a few weeks back

 

And as a side note, if anyone can help with the intimate part of being with a trans person.

With all due respect, I doubt we have any members here with a lot of intimate trans experience. You would be better off going to specific trans sites where no doubt you'll get far more information than here on ENA.

 

That said, you met him a few weeks ago. You barely know him. Get to know the guy well and then, if it leads to anything, it would probably be a far better idea to discuss anything intimate with HIM - after all, HE is the only one who knows what he likes (imo).

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I thought I'd ask anywhere considering more and more people these days are becoming more comfortable with their identities and more open about sharing their experiences. And yes, it was a few weeks ago. My initial question was how to go about having things grow emotionally between us. I don't plan on just trying to jump in and be intimate right away, but I'm fairly certain that those of you reading this thread understand that in this day and age, hooking up isn't something to bat your eye at. And if it were to happen, I want to be prepared. I know every person is different and at a different part of their transition so it's not one size fits all, but I'm looking for advice. And for the person who said that trans people aren't produces in factories- no s**t Sherlock, I'm not an insensitive person.

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He already knows you accept him and want to hang out. Let him unfold and reveal naturally rather than ask questions. Focus on doing things and bonding in that way, since he is transitioning and may himself not know the answers.

I'm asking because I don't want to ever make him uncomfortable and if things did escalate to being intimate, I would want to know general knowledge of what might make a trans person uncomfortable.
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I thought I'd ask anywhere considering more and more people these days are becoming more comfortable with their identities and more open about sharing their experiences. And yes, it was a few weeks ago. My initial question was how to go about having things grow emotionally between us. I don't plan on just trying to jump in and be intimate right away, but I'm fairly certain that those of you reading this thread understand that in this day and age, hooking up isn't something to bat your eye at. And if it were to happen, I want to be prepared. I know every person is different and at a different part of their transition so it's not one size fits all, but I'm looking for advice. And for the person who said that trans people aren't produces in factories- no s**t Sherlock, I'm not an insensitive person.

 

Here is my advice. Don't feel obliged that you have to be technically prepared. You can prepare yourself in an empowered psychology, that is you will have an experience you haven't had before, may not know your partner's all quirks and sensitivities but that's actually the same with everyone. Sure thing we experience this to a lesser degree with sexual identities or genders we are more familiar with but there may be things that don't work with everyone in all genders. Having sex with someone is always based on the assumption that the things we know will work because they more or less worked with everyone before. Sex with a trans is not inherently different in this way, only that area where this "more or less" occurs has a bit more ambiguity in the beginning for some people perhaps. Keep this in your mind as a technicality where you will navigate your way together. I would stop worrying too much about making him uncomfortable because he is not more fragile than anyone else who has sex. Unless you have this worry with a biological man, then try to keep it as low as possible with a transman. I would say, you need to strike a balance between being respectful to difference and also to autonomy but I think you already know this yourself as someone who identifies as gender fluid.

 

A transman I know once told me that he had a big fear of heterosexual women. What he feared was again a bit gender biased because heterosexual women are unfortunately taught to have very penis oriented sex, but this doesn't have to be so. But still, heterosexist bias is everywhere in sexual behaviour so he had a point actually. What would make people comfotable is being and judged and evaluated I think. It would be normal to be curious about the genitals you see if you are seeing them for the first time. What matters is how you react to difference, whether your gaze privileges the biological penis or you are mentally ready to see this as a unique experience. There will be a very sensitive organ there and it will respond to you in a very excited way but it will not have the exact muscle reactions of a penis, that's that really. many heterosexual women learn to measure everything with the visible signs of an erection etc, here, you would fous more on the overall excitement. If you are someone who treats a penis like a bull in a bullfight or think sex is rodeo ornated with wild pulling and pushing movements, it may be a bit scary at first. If you are too sensitive, that can come off as kind of invalidating. I think your first kiss and what happens afterward will give you hints about your partner's behaviour. I would also say focus on your pleasure and guide him and he focuses on his and guides you, and you two find what suits both of you. Your preferences as to how you would prefer penetration, whether you would want it etc are as important as what he likes. If you two are new to each other's body, seeing consent as a process instead of an initial yes/no decision helps - I believe this in heterosexual relationships, too. You can softly ask each other yes?/yes? no/no? before trying different things. You can also lie naked next to each other and start with slow touches if that makes you more comfortable - or maybe he is a wild rode guy who knows Ultimately, focus on what makes you comfortable rather than what makes him comfortable. I think this would make him very comfortable. Relax. If you need guidance, you need guidance. Don't hide your needs and take solace in his presence. And rest assured, he knows how to make this work. I really think you will be alright because you are a considerate, open-minded person. Don't worry too much about being inconsiderate to him. You are a considerate person and you will experience that. In a short time, you will synch with him easily. Also, it is his responsiblity to tell you what he likes and doesn't and vice versa, so relax really. Also, know your boundaries. Being a transman doesn't exclude him from being an insensitive lover, so focus on your pleasure, your boundaries and let things evolve. Sex drive is usually very high during the first two years of hormone therapy, often described as second puberty so you may find a very enthusiastic and wild lover there depending on the biological process.

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