Consumed

[lifesatrip]

I am posting here because I need some comfort and maybe some wise words. It seems that I often experience a heart-wrenching angst when I am in the beginning stages of dating or a relationship and I start to feel like the other person is pulling away or rejecting me. It happens when I am not sure I want to keep dating the person myself. But when I feel them pull away I start feeling a crazy angst. It doesn't always happen, but if I've spent several dates with the person and have developed an attachment it always seems to happen even if I am turned off by them in many ways and don't want to keep seeing them.

 

Right now it is happening and feels horrible. I don't want to eat, don't want to read, watch tv, or do anything except maybe exercise and sleep and cry. I think it is a combination of feeling powerless, feeling rejected, feeling shame, and feeling like I have lost a human connection.

 

When I think back to how I've reacted and felt going through this kind of thing in the past, I am usually surprised that I could have felt so torn up about that particular person who I now have no interest in. I remember feeling like I wanted to die (just feeling that way, not really wanting to die in a serious way) a couple years ago when something ended with someone I was seeing and had barely been intimate with. It was such an intense agony, and some time later it had passed.

 

I'm having some of this agony now. Have cried out some of it. But it is really difficult to deal with for me right now. Particularly because it's not even clear to me that the person definitely wants to end the relationship.

 

I hate this. It consumes me and my life when it happens. I have things I want to do, but when feeling consumed by this, the overwhelming emotions take over everything.

 

I know rationally that it will pass, but it doesn't feel like that. It feels like I'm loosing something I never wanted to loose. Yet I am not sure I want to continue with the relationship myself - I have some doubts. I guess in this case I was just starting to feel more comfortable with the person, more close and connected, and he then voiced his doubts.

 

I want to contact him to ask what he has decided, but think I need to give him (and probably myself) some space.

 

One moment I feel sort of ok, and then the next I feel agony. I think it is partly because i don't have the best self-image, and partly because i crave an intimate deep connection with someone so badly.

 

I guess I'm writing here in an attempt to feel a bit better.

[reinventmyself]

I could have written this very post several years ago, so I understand. It feels like something uncontrollable takes over.

It makes no sense at times.

 

Therapy helped unravel the spell.

It's most often about some unmet needs from your childhood that causes you to attach to someone quickly and intensely.

It also can cause you to be attracted to someone who can not attach in a healthy way in return.

 

Intellectually you can make sense of it, but emotionally you can't seem to get a handle on it. It's miserable. You end up sabotaging relationships.

 

It's your psyche that's working over time.

Have you ever been to therapy?

[lifesatrip]

Thanks very much reinventmyself. Your post is both wise and comforting to read I think that is definitely the case with me. I have tried therapy. I improved some, but I never felt satisfied with the any of the therapists, maybe my expectations were too high. I will go back in a few months.

 

Is therapy what helped you?

[SooSad33]

Sounds like your emotions are in over-drive. I am often the same way. ( It's like saying good bye-forever)..not easy.

Think you are an empath? Feel others feelings.. deeply? Getting way too involved emotionally & too fast?

 

I have had this trouble for yrs.... having to realize and accept it's done.

 

I agree with Reinvent^^ Therapy, would help. And crying.. is okay. I do that too.. trying to work things out...etc.

[reinventmyself]

Yes, a great therapist and alot trial and error. Working on my self esteme helped.

It takes years of relearning and releasing and the work is never really done.

You post was so poignant for me and I remember how painful and confusing it was.

I've been in and out of therapy and just when I think I have a handle on it, I realized I wasn't even close.

Just responding to you now and reading your experience do I fully recognize how far I've come. It's doable if you commit to it.

[reinventmyself]

And Im an empath as well. A gift and a curse a the same time.

[Lone She Wolf]

Oh my gosh, I too could have written that post a couple of years ago....and I'm still recovering, but like reinventmyself says, reading your post I can see how far I've come as well. I even specifically remember the day where the agony left me....remnants remained for a while, but since that day I've been able to breath again, it seems.

 

For 36 years I was fine, relatively happy, productive and very independent. Of course the end of relationships hurt, but I got over them. Then one winter I met this guy and my emotions went totally out of my control, from the very first moment I saw him...it really put me into a tailspin that I couldn't recover from. What was good at least was that after a couple of months I realized that this had nothing to do with the guy - I could tell it was something within me that for some odd reason this guy had simply triggered. It was just so irrational, and I didn't even know him, that I knew it had to be something within me.

 

I briefly tried therapy, but I just felt they couldn't help me. What brought me out of the dark spiral (I felt like I was totally out of control in a death spin) is that I started to meditate. After almost a year of struggling with something I had never experienced before, I literally started meditating 2 minutes a day in the morning....just 2 little minutes, but I was consistent. I considered it a death/life situation because I certainly couldn't see myself living in that state forever. Very quickly I found relief...I started to feel better and more centered. I increased it to 5 minutes a day, then 10min, then 15min....then you feel so nice while doing it that 20 minutes go by and you don't want it to end.

 

Now, I just do it 15 min in the morning and if I have time, 15 in the evening. When I don't do it for a few days, I can totally tell the difference, feels like I start to slip back.

 

I'm not religious, so meditation for me was key, but if you subscribe to a religion, perhaps getting more in tune with that aspect of your life may also help.

 

Good luck!

[reinventmyself]

I briefly tried therapy, but I just felt they couldn't help me. What brought me out of the dark spiral (I felt like I was totally out of control in a death spin) is that I started to meditate. After almost a year of struggling with something I had never experienced before, I literally started meditating 2 minutes a day in the morning....just 2 little minutes, but I was consistent. I considered it a death/life situation because I certainly couldn't see myself living in that state forever. Very quickly I found relief...I started to feel better and more centered. I increased it to 5 minutes a day, then 10min, then 15min....then you feel so nice while doing it that 20 minutes go by and you don't want it to end.

 

Now, I just do it 15 min in the morning and if I have time, 15 in the evening. When I don't do it for a few days, I can totally tell the difference, feels like I start to slip back.

 

I'm not religious, so meditation for me was key, but if you subscribe to a religion, perhaps getting more in tune with that aspect of your life may also help.

 

Good luck!

 

Lone She Wolf,

It's interesting that therapy didn't seem to work for you but meditation does. Just curious what exactly is the result of meditation and the benefit it has for you?

I get the whole premise of feeling at peace and centered. But how is it helpful with unresolved issues and life changes? (hope that makes sense)

[lifesatrip]

Sounds like your emotions are in over-drive. I am often the same way. ( It's like saying good bye-forever)..not easy.

Think you are an empath? Feel others feelings.. deeply? Getting way too involved emotionally & too fast?

 

I have had this trouble for yrs.... having to realize and accept it's done.

 

I agree with Reinvent^^ Therapy, would help. And crying.. is okay. I do that too.. trying to work things out...etc.

 

Thank you, it is always helpful to hear from others who feel or have felt similarly. I don't know if I am an empath. I think I might be. I am often ridiculously tuned in to what others may be feeling. But I also have problems where I can feel really disconnected from someone when they tell me something I should have an empathetic emotional reaction to. But overall I am very concerned with people's feelings and relate on an emotional level.

 

Yes, I hate this getting too involved emotionally too fast thing. I am working on it, and it is getting better overall, but as I wrote above it can still hit really hard. The frustrating thing for me right now is that I was actually feeling relatively happy being single for once in my life. I was really starting to appreciate it and savor and enjoy it. And now that seems silly. My emotions are telling me there is nothing more important than an intimate relationship with someone. It's like some part of my brain is convinced that such a relationship will meet all my unmet needs, resolve all my traumas, make me feel powerful, make me in tune with my heart, and give the ultimate meaning to life. It's very idealistic. But the ideal can be devastating.

[lifesatrip]

Yes, a great therapist and alot trial and error. Working on my self esteme helped.

It takes years of relearning and releasing and the work is never really done.

You post was so poignant for me and I remember how painful and confusing it was.

I've been in and out of therapy and just when I think I have a handle on it, I realized I wasn't even close.

Just responding to you now and reading your experience do I fully recognize how far I've come. It's doable if you commit to it.

 

Thank you, this is encouraging. What do you mean by "releasing"?

[lifesatrip]

Oh my gosh, I too could have written that post a couple of years ago....and I'm still recovering, but like reinventmyself says, reading your post I can see how far I've come as well. I even specifically remember the day where the agony left me....remnants remained for a while, but since that day I've been able to breath again, it seems.

 

For 36 years I was fine, relatively happy, productive and very independent. Of course the end of relationships hurt, but I got over them. Then one winter I met this guy and my emotions went totally out of my control, from the very first moment I saw him...it really put me into a tailspin that I couldn't recover from. What was good at least was that after a couple of months I realized that this had nothing to do with the guy - I could tell it was something within me that for some odd reason this guy had simply triggered. It was just so irrational, and I didn't even know him, that I knew it had to be something within me.

 

I briefly tried therapy, but I just felt they couldn't help me. What brought me out of the dark spiral (I felt like I was totally out of control in a death spin) is that I started to meditate. After almost a year of struggling with something I had never experienced before, I literally started meditating 2 minutes a day in the morning....just 2 little minutes, but I was consistent. I considered it a death/life situation because I certainly couldn't see myself living in that state forever. Very quickly I found relief...I started to feel better and more centered. I increased it to 5 minutes a day, then 10min, then 15min....then you feel so nice while doing it that 20 minutes go by and you don't want it to end.

 

Now, I just do it 15 min in the morning and if I have time, 15 in the evening. When I don't do it for a few days, I can totally tell the difference, feels like I start to slip back.

 

I'm not religious, so meditation for me was key, but if you subscribe to a religion, perhaps getting more in tune with that aspect of your life may also help.

 

Good luck!

 

Wow, that's crazy. So intense that one person could trigger so much. I read that trauma can work like that. It might be buried and then one day a person or situation or something sets it off in a really intense way.

 

That's cool to hear about the meditation. What type of meditation do you do? I was raised doing TM (transcendental meditation). Sometimes it feels like it really helps me, and other times I don't feel the benefits. I am curious to try other types though. I have gotten into yoga, and that has helped me a huge amount, perhaps as therapy has (or more). It feels like meditation and the postures can be uncomfortable, but you learn to find pleasure and comfort and stability in the discomfort. Plus it helps you get more in tune with your body. A good class can be really magical. I'm trying to find other ways to connect with my body and give it pleasure. I think this is helping a lot too.

[lifesatrip]

I am going to write some more here as a catharsis and to explore my own feelings. But I also appreciate whatever insights or understanding people have.

 

I feel like sometimes the reason I attach so hard (while still feeling ambivalent about the person) is because I feel like I am in a perpetual crisis of varying intensity. The crisis is that I often don't feel worthy, I feel a lot of shame, I feel like I might not be good enough to have meaningful connections with other people, and I feel like I might be a bad person.

 

I often feel dis-empowered. I have bad social anxiety which overwhelms my life. I'm working on it and seeing slow progress. But it is still really difficult. I am trying to recenter myself. To be the source of my own inner validation rather than looking to others to validate me. But this is hard. I'm getting better at it, but I wonder if there is a point where you can't really go any further. I mean we depend on other people, so we do need their validation to a degree right? Is it possible for me to fully validate myself?

 

I have fantasies of power and success sometimes. I think they are narcissistic. For me a serious, passionate relationship with someone is kind of a symbol of power for me. Due to certain childhood influences, I latched onto this as a symbol of power and a symbol of being someone worthy of respect. These aspects are very potent because in my life I feel very dis-empowered at times, especially in social interactions. So when I think I am sad to loose someone, some aspect of that angst is the feeling that I am loosing the status and power I feel so desperate for.

 

Another aspect is emptiness and the need for meaning. I am recovering, but in the past I was very depressed and could not find much meaning in life or purpose or direction. I was completely trapped in my head and disconnected from my emotions as well. So entering some kind of a relationship often feels like entering the garden of Eden in some sense. It's miraculous feeling, as if my inner desert is suddenly blossoming in to lush garden of divine proportions. It's such a heady feeling, and I hate loosing it, even though it is a projection. I think I can start to try to develop more creativity in my life to help with this. Creativity, developing my heart, developing a life that will meaningfully impact the world in a positive way is something. But I feel at the root I want something and crave something mystical. That's what i am seeking from another person. I feel like I've had glimpses of what this is or could be like, but never from people I was in a healthy relationship with. Well I haven't ever really been in what I would consider a healthy relationship. When I feel like I am loosing this or the potential for this with someone it really stings. Because I feel like it is hard to find. You really have to be on the same page. I guess it's about growing with each other and overcoming your mental and emotional blocks together. Feeling nurtured and also feeling like you are deepening yourself, overcoming your neurosis, and experiencing intimacy with this other person is just so mystical in the context.

 

A lot of this is perhaps ego at the root. I don't feel confident and secure in myself. I don't have enough relationships that fulfill me. I don't feel confident in my purpose for life/meaning. I feel very isolated when it comes down to it. I don't feel my social needs are sufficiently met. So I am looking to fill myself. The way I know to do this is to fill the ego. I think I developed this coping mechanism in part from feeling so much shame as a child and so dis-empowered and frightened.

 

I want to get rid of the ego now, but what do I replace it with? I would like to replace it with healthy, fulfilling, exciting, gratifying relationships, but feel I don't have the social skills and push people away. It feels devastating. And loosing someone I had some form of intimate connection with becomes a reminder of the grief and anger and helplessness I feel in this regard. These feelings can be so intense I fantasize about death. (Never to a point of being serious though). Only that the thought of it would feel like a relief (in the moments of intense angst).

 

That's all I will write for now, I may write more later. If you read this, thank you

[Capricorn3]

OP, would you like this thread to be moved to Journals forum?

[lifesatrip]

I am so confused about this guy that I have been seeing that has put me in this tailspin. On the one hand I feel like there is disconnection. I often feel like he should be more interested in my as a person and in my life. I sometimes feel like I irritate him, or am less than him. (maybe some of my behaviors and mannerisms do irritate him). Sometimes I feel like he is not as respectful as he should be. But I can't tell if I'm overreacting because i have a tendency to be hypersensitive. I saw him briefly today and something felt off. At the same time, I feel like we could have the compatibility to build a mystical sort of connection if we were both to grow enough. So part of me is saying, leave now, you don't trust him (whether he deserves it or not), he is inconsistent with his professed values and his actions (true), and he may look down on you and not see you as being on his level. In his favor, when I have brought issues up and talked with him about them he is generally receptive and I think is generally putting a good amount of effort into trying to make me comfortable (though the doubting part of my mind says he is just doing it to serve his own interests). The other part of me is saying, don't go yet, you don't know each other well enough yet, something really good could be created. I'm not sure which voice to believe. I'm also not sure if he is quickly loosing interest (or it could be my paranoia). I want to keep exploring the connection, but at what price. Some things he have done have really provoked strong negative responses in me. Not sure what to do.

[Lone She Wolf]

Lone She Wolf,

It's interesting that therapy didn't seem to work for you but meditation does. Just curious what exactly is the result of meditation and the benefit it has for you?

I get the whole premise of feeling at peace and centered. But how is it helpful with unresolved issues and life changes? (hope that makes sense)

 

 

Well, it's not just about feeling at peace and centered...that's more of a byproduct. Meditation and yoga (I've never been formally trained in yoga, but I do yoga postures and then meditate) - it's basically the study of who you really are. By research and practice I learned that you, as a human being, you have a mind, but you are not your mind. The mind is like the body....you take reasonably good care of your body (feed it, take it to the gym, go to the doctor, etc.) and when it's functioning properly, you just go about your business, but don't have to think about it or worry about it. You only focus on it and it disturbs you when something is wrong. Le's say you sprain an ankle....then your body compensates by relying on your other foot (limp) and it sends you pain so that you do something about it. You then focus your attention on it and try to fix it.

 

Well, your psyche is the same way except it's not physical. And 99% of us have an ailing psyche, but it's so common, we call it normal...we think it's normal to feel the need for an intimate relationship, we think it's normal to feel pain when someone else doesn't want to be with us or doesn't behave in the exact way we think they should. The fact is, it's not normal.....there's a way to feel fine regardless of what anyone else does....even those people that trigger our psyche and toss it into a tailspin.

 

While we may spend a little or a lot of time each day taking care of our physical bodies, we don't do anything about our minds...we aren't disciplined enough. And the mind, is just like a computer....garbage in garbage out. That's where your "unresolved life issues" come in. Over the course of your life, you have stored up 2 types of experiences.....those that made you feel really really good, and those that made you feel really bad. Things happened in your past and they trigger either good or bad emotions in you - and all that is, is just energy. When something feels really good, you want to keep feeling it, so your mind/your psyche tightens around it and tries to cling. When something feels really bad, your mind/psyche tries to push it away or suppress it. Doing either one of those things causes that energy to get stored inside you. Then later, could be years later, something somehow triggers that energy that you've stored deep inside your psyche and now you're in big trouble. You either find yourself clinging or doing the fight or flight response.

 

If you had just allowed those experiences to pass through you without either clinging or pushing away, you would have experienced them, and then after a few moments, they would have gone. But, instead you stored them. Then layers upon layers get stored and then when they come back up they throw us into a tailspin.

 

What we can do is learn to relax when they come up and release them....then they leave for good. And because they were stored with pain, they will release with pain....so, when someone or something triggers something and you start to freak out, your mind becomes hyperactive and tries to figure out what to do. Your mind is trying to protect you....it knows you're not ok and it goes back into it's database of your life experiences and tries to come up with solutions based on your past experiences and old patterns. What you have to do then is say..."thank you, but no thank you" and just relax and release. Don't listen to your mind....it doesn't know how to make you ok. You have to be ok and then once your mind sees that you're ok, it will stop the incessant neurotic thoughts. Mine has calmed down so much and it's such a relief. It still tries to come up with solutions..."maybe I should text him....well, no, I don't want to annoy him...but, if I don't text him he'll think I don't care and I don't want to do that! But, no.....I have to stay strong and not chase him or I'll never end up with him....blah blah blah."

 

You see how all of us have the same thoughts....they're no who we are, they are just thoughts that the minds makes up trying to make us feel better.

 

Meditation basically is the practice of distancing yourself from the mind. It allows you to observe your thoughts without getting involved in them....it helps you not listen to your thoughts. You don't have to fight them...you just see them come, and then see them go...like clouds.

 

As time goes by, you do start to see WHY certain thoughts come up - based upon past issues in your life, especially when you were a child. But that's not necessary...you just have to know that your thoughts are telling you what they're telling you in attempt to protect you and they're only using data from your past. But you can reprogram your mind to stop doing that...you can simply ignore what it's telling you and remain centered. Then you'll actually end up taking the actions that are in your best interest...you barely even have to decide what to do.

[Lone She Wolf]

That is very classic of a disturbed mind. I was exactly in the same boat...constantly second-guessing myself, incessantly thinking about what I should do in order to make the relationship work or how to leave the relationship altogether. See if this sounds familiar: "That's it...I'm done! I don't have to put up with this, he's not treating me the way I deserve to be treated. But, I mean....we barely know each other, the only reason he's treating me like this is because he doesn't know me very well yet. If we could just have some quality time together....but he just doesn't respect me, at least his actions say that he doesn't. Maybe he just doesn't know HOW to show me what he's really feeling. What if he's just using me! He doesn't care about me! He just wants sex....that's why he acts nice sometimes and once he gets sex, then he turns cold....blah blah blah...."

 

Do you see how the mind goes back and forth arguing with itself....these ARE NOT your thoughts!!! They are just part of the universe and humans are subject to them, you don't have to listen to them. You can just observe them and step back....sit down for 2 minutes, close your eyes, and just say this to yourself: "I wonder what my next thought will be..." and then just wait...

 

How did that feel? How long did it last? No matter how long it lasted...did you feel better or worse?

 

Whatever thought finally did popup...it's not because you put it there, you were just waiting for it. Of course, you can also use your mind willfully...like when you're doing a math problem or whatever. But when you're not willfully using your mind....it's just spewing out thoughts and those thoughts are purely based on whatever is disturbing it - most likely some pattern from your past, that has been triggered by something recent.