What do I do about a friendship I no longer want?

[Allysia]

I've been friends with this girl for about 4 or 5 years now, we used to be roommates, and when I moved back to my hometown, we stayed in contact through facebook. Throughout our friendship, I've always felt... irritated with her, the choices she'd make and her behavior. She would make promises to me and then break them last minute, like promising to be there when I had my child (it's been two years and she still has never come to visit, we live about 3 hours away) But lately it's gotten worse, we only talk through fb messaging, and when we do, all she does is brag and boost about herself and her success in school, I'm proud of her, but I get tired of hearing all the constant look at mes, or the opposite, "feel bad for me I'm so sick" (which is all the time) . We both got engaged close to the same time, and we had intended on being in each others weddings. But as time passed, the more distant I felt from her, and exhausted from dealing with her constant back and forth emotions, and I decided to cut my wedding party down from 6 people to 2, and I had to break the news to her that she was no longer going to be in it. She was very upset and guilt tripped me about it. As I no longer have interest in maintaining this long distant and seemingly unreal friendship, I've started distancing myself more from her and responding less to her, she then messaged me a long thing about how much she loves me and how much I'm so wrong about how I view her (she asked me previously about why I had been distant and I told her honestly that I don't like the way I perceive her through our only contact (fb)) and she'll always love me unconditionally and blah blah blah, where she always tries to make herself out to be this perfect person, then she asked if I still wanted to be in the wedding, but I haven't responded. It's been about a week, and she always posts memes on fb that are clearly directed towards our conversation about me seeing a part of her that I disagree with. I don't know how to handle this situation without it exploding into a bigger issue, as it always does. One time while discussing wedding plans, she kept saying "don't steal that idea too" because we had similar ideas (from pinterest) for decoration. And I got upset by it and told her to get over herself, which she then needed 4 days "to process the emotional toll it took on her because she was so hurt by it". Help. I'm terrible at peopling.

[j.man]

So what's the complication here? Do you two share a mortgage? Did you adopt a kid together? Have a dog you split between homes?

 

She's not a spouse. If you don't want to be friends, don't be. It's free to end it and it won't hurt your credit.

 

Of all the thread genres on here, this is the single one I'm not sure I'll ever be able to wrap my head around.

[ParisPaulette]

There are only two ways to go about ending a friendship really of this sort, where you only keep in contact via Facebook anyways:

 

A. You simply tell her, "I am done with the drama, and tired of fighting all the time, so let's just end this friendship altogether" and you block and delete her and remove all and any way she could possibly contact you. And then you leave it alone no matter how much she tries to get in touch, because yes she will eventually give up.

 

B. You put her into your Acquaintances category and you limit her on access to most of your Facebook statuses etc. then completely ignore everything she says and does. And you get on with your life.

 

Personally I'd go for A, because she sounds like an emotional vampire type who "needs" an audience and anything beyond a direct "We're done" just keeps you open to the drama. But if you don't want to deal with the fall-out, which you are already dealing with anyways then simply limit her contact down to nothing, ignore her, and realize she's gonna do drama regardless, because that's what she enjoys doing anyways.

 

Your choice, but for me I've learned the best way to end any sort of relationship when it turns toxic is to simply end it altogether rather than waiting for people to take the hint or somehow magically learn not to be emotional vampires or drama puppies.

[Edmund Exley]

You can unfriend her and ignore her, or you can tell her verbally that the friendship has ran its course, wish her the best in life and thats it.

[moodindigo91]

Yeah, it might just be best for you to let this relationship fade out. I wouldn't even bother telling her or trying to converse with her about it, you'll just wind up arguing and getting irritated. Just hide her from your newsfeed on Facebook, stop initiating contact and stop responding when she contacts you. After a while, you'll just be Facebook friends and that's it.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like she was a flaky friend to begin with so why keep this on life support?

 

Just back out by being minimally responsive, busy, one word responses, don't comment on or visit any of her social media, fade out.

 

Don't elaborate as if this is a breakup. just be continually "very busy".

I've started distancing myself more from her and responding less to her, she then messaged me a long thing about how much she loves me and how much I'm so wrong about how I view her

[Allysia]

I've been trying to do that but then she'll message me and guilt me back in, and I don't know how to respond when I don't really want to respond.

[Allysia]

So what's the complication here? Do you two share a mortgage? Did you adopt a kid together? Have a dog you split between homes?

 

She's not a spouse. If you don't want to be friends, don't be. It's free to end it and it won't hurt your credit.

 

Of all the thread genres on here, this is the single one I'm not sure I'll ever be able to wrap my head around.

I guess because when you've invested yourself emotionally for years, it's hard to uninvest and hurt someone

[Allysia]

Thanks for the responses, I appreciate everyone's input, I'll keep doing what I'm doing, and just wait for it to fade out. I unfollowed her on fb a while ago, so that I could avoid seeing her posts, and avoid the confrontation of actually unfriending her, but how do I tell her that I don't want to be in her wedding party anymore?

[moodindigo91]

I've been trying to do that but then she'll message me and guilt me back in, and I don't know how to respond when I don't really want to respond.

 

If you don't want to respond, you just don't respond lol she's a big girl and she will get over it. If you don't want to do that, you can just be minimally responsive like Wiseman said, continually "very busy" and keep it that way until it fades out, she'll eventually stop trying to contact you. No one gets hurts, and you are freed from the friendship.

 

how do I tell her that I don't want to be in her wedding party anymore?

 

Thought you already told her this?

[Wiseman2]

She can't "guilt you back in". Just be brief and busy no matter what she messages. You can't be manipulated if you don't allow it or have no other motive for it.

I've been trying to do that but then she'll message me and guilt me back in

[Allysia]

No, that was the last thing she said to me and I haven't responded yet because I'm not sure what to say or how to say it. So it's been about a week of no response to it, because the last time she messaged me and I was honest about my feelings and why I had been distant, it got too dramatic and she started making mellow dramatic posts aimed at the conversation we had.

[Wiseman2]

Also stop following her on social media. Just respond with dull nonsense. "been so busy with work, had to take my cat to the vet, our garbage collection prices went up again, ugh!", etc. be as dull and distant as possible.

 

Read up on the Gray Rock method of fading out of undesirable situations.

No, that was the last thing she said to me and I haven't responded yet because I'm not sure what to say or how to say it. So it's been about a week of no response to it, because the last time she messaged me and I was honest about my feelings and why I had been distant, it got too dramatic and she started making mellow dramatic posts aimed at the conversation we had.

[moodindigo91]

I just wouldn't respond then, she'll take the hint if she hasn't already.

[Allysia]

Also stop following her on social media. Just respond with dull nonsense. "been so busy with work, had to take my cat to the vet, our garbage collection prices went up again, ugh!", etc. be as dull and distant as possible.

 

Read up on the Gray Rock method of fading out of undesirable situations.

And then I'll get the pleasure of knowing all her pity me, "if someone loves you they make time for you" bull posts, and knowing she'll be telling everyone how terrible of a friend I am. I don't like knowing things are directed at me, but I'll just have to keep in mind that it is what it is and the garbage prices have gone up.

[ParisPaulette]

Okay, you do need to tell her you won't be in the wedding party and soon as possible, so she can replace you. THAT you do owe her a communication on.

 

A simple, "I will not be able to be in your wedding party, apologies in advance so you can find someone else." Then block and delete her altogether if you think she's just going to guilt you back into it, BUT sooner or later you need to learn to say no to people. Or you're going to have a lifetime of needlessly being manipulated by people who don't have your best interests at heart.

 

But yes, you do need to communicate about the wedding party. Just limit contact right after so she can't guilt you. She'll get over it and then be able to find someone else. And yes, she will in spite of her complaining that she won't, unless people have all started to wander away from her which does happen with this type of person. And that's her problem, not yours.