So confused abusive relationships

[Choccy28]

Hi all,

I am really struggling with my thoughts and view of others around me. I dont consider myself particularly nice or mega attractive in fact quite the opposite. I have always tried to be friendly and help people and feel close despite my inner hate for myself.

In my job I am relatively the older woman and I have had a couple of guys ask me out or make smutty remarks about me. I have confided in three guys and in that time all three have either tried to ask me out, made smutty comments to me or have tried to get me to trust them and betray that. One showed himself to be so aggressive and shouts a lot at people yet proclaims he's a lovely calm guy. The thing is I am desperately trying to recover from a very abusive relationship and want to give my brain and love life a rest.

One of the guys was really quiet and the age of my dad but all his colleagues wind me up that he's got an interest in me. I wouldn't even dream of going near him but after a recent night out where I got tipsy and he got very drunk he became very scary. I was trapped in a room with him and he got snappy and clingy. I had to get someone else to try and get him home. My trust in him went instantly. It just seems that every guy I try to connect too is trying to take advantage of me.

All I want is a male friend ( due to me trying to reclaim my faith in them) who isn't going to try and make a pass. Ironically the one I do like struggles to even speak to me so I just want to give up . I feel so hurt and lost and i don't trust my judgement on those around me now because I have got every single one wrong!!!

My ex made me feel fat, stupid and so unlovable. Maybe he's right but i just want to be left alone and without the chaos of fighting with people I just thought I could be friends with.

[Wiseman2]

Are you dating any of these guys at work? Are their advances unwelcome? How do you handle it? Do you say "I'm not interested in dating coworkers"? Do you walk away from flirty remarks? Don't go out drinking/socializing with them.

 

Learn how to handle unwanted passes. If they happen at the workplace report it as sexual harassment, if you feel that is what it is. Otherwise just be friendly and professional. Date outside of work.

 

Try not to burden coworkers with confiding in them as if they are your oldest friends and confidants. Save that for your friends and family outside of work.

 

You should not be flirty with coworkers, no less go out drinking with them hoping for "male friends". Get into counseling if you have abuse issues rather than seeking validation from coworkers behaviors.

I have had a couple of guys ask me out or make smutty remarks about me. I have confided in three guys and in that time all three have either tried to ask me out, made smutty comments to me or have tried to get me to trust them and betray that. after a recent night out where I got tipsy and he got very drunk he became very scary. It just seems that every guy I try to connect too is trying to take advantage of me. All I want is a male friend who isn't going to try and make a pass.

[Hermes]

Choccy.

 

I would suggest dating with people who don't work in the same place as you do.

 

As Wiseman said do seek counselling for the abuse issues you mention. A male friend is not supposed to be a kind of therapist.

 

Hope things do get better for you.

[Choccy28]

Hi guys,

I like one person in that place. I have posted before on another board that I dont believe in dating co workers and I can see the issues . The problem I am trying to get across is that I don't wa to I date and the males I do talk too get the wrong impression. I have had counselling and they have said to me to try and find faith in men by maybe having a few around me i can confide in and build my trust back up. I haven't done that yet as I have been the friendly coworker. I see men as the bad people and ultimately I don't want this because that just leads to me being bitter. I don't tell these guys my problems I just listen to them and give them advice on work stuff.

I went out with the group as a go straight from work thing with a group of six of us and this where it all went wrong. I wasn't all dressed up at all and certainly wasn't Planing on getting drunk.

I have friends who naturally give me biased opinions on men and my counsellor is one sided and resorting to the ' poor you' type comments rather than helping me work out the man mind and the reasons for my abuse. I had just hoped I could have gained my trust back but now I don't have any in the male of the species.

[j.man]

Listen... 95% of men aren't interested in opposite-sex friendships. And they're certainly not interested in any sort of run around for the benefit of you trying to regain trust in men.

 

What kind of smutty remarks are we talking about here? If it's in the workplace, I'd start documenting them. It could well be sexual harassment if they're unwelcome. As far as being upset guys are making passes at you while you actively try to get close to them to, in your view, remedy your trust issues, that's simply going to be the name of the game.

 

How exactly are you pursuing these friendships? Are you letting them take you out on dates and pay for you? Are you telling them upfront you're not looking for anything romantic or sexual? I can't excuse them for snapping at you, but consider how you're carrying yourself with these friendships and whether you're doing what's reasonable to express your intent not to date.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately that's bad advice, particularly thinking male coworkers are like girlfriends who you want to confide in and be besties with to 'restore your faith'.

 

Your hatred of men is unresolved abuse issues that obviously this therapist is not addressing and giving you the horrid advice of trying to befriend male coworkers as confidants.

 

To restore faith in men you'll have to stop hating and start dating taking it slowly. It's not your coworkers' fault you hate men.

I like one person in that place. I have had counselling and they have said to me to try and find faith in men by maybe having a few around me i can confide in and build my trust back up.

[j.man]

Unfortunately that's bad advice, particularly thinking male coworkers are like girlfriends who you want to confide in and be besties with to 'restore your faith'.

 

Your hatred of men is unresolved abuse issues that obviously this therapist is not addressing and giving you the horrid advice of trying to befriend male coworkers as confidants.

 

To restore faith in men you'll have to stop hating and start dating taking it slowly. It's not your coworkers' fault you hate men.

It really is quite crap advice. Are you sure they weren't referring more to family members? I'd ask if it was a female counselor giving you this advice, but I'd think (or hope), as a counselor she'd have her head on straight enough to know having a young woman go around and solicit attention from new men is certainly not how you built a sense of platonic trust.

[Hermes]

Choccy.

 

Men (co-workers or otherwise) are not supposed to be male girl-friends.

 

As for your counsellor, it is time to find another one. She sounds very unprofessional indeed.

Ditto for those "friends" of yours. Why are they giving only biased opinions on men. All men are not the same, nor are all women either.

[ParisPaulette]

First off I'm just going to say this: your therapist gave you terrible advice. Having "faith" in someone, anyone, is something you do AFTER you've learned that someone is trustworthy in the first place. And trust comes over a longer period of time and observation of how that person treats you and others around themselves in life. You should not just blindly trust people before you know if they're trustworthy or not.

 

After someone earns your trust by doing things showing you through their actions that they can treat others around them from the homeless guy on the street to their mom well, and that they have no major red flags like making sexually offensive remarks to you just because you talked to them in the company lunchroom, or making broad sweeping statements that they hope will make them sound good to others (shouts at people but claims to be a lovely calm person guy for instance), then and only then should you proceed to let these people come into your life beyond the superficial "How's it going Joe or Joanna?" small talk.

 

If your therapist isn't giving you what you need or want out of therapy, then let her or him go and find someone else who is a better fit. I would personally look for people who are experienced with abusive relationships. And you can probably find those by calling your women's shelters or even going to this website to talk to someone about what resources might be in your area - and asking for recommendations on who is good at learning to trust people again after an abusive relationship.

 

That will help you far more than being told to just trust people you don't know. I have a friend who was nearly killed in a carjacking by a woman and her partner one night. He's in therapy now for PTSD and his therapist is just helping him learn how to drive and trust himself again, not telling him to open his car door to strangers, which would be madness. And it's exactly what your therapist has sort of done.

 

My recommendation also would be you'll get better advice on how to learn to trust yourself and others from the book "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin deBecker. Read that cover to cover and see if it doesn't help. Also get a few hobbies and activities you enjoy doing, where you can watch people with common interests who you can over time learn are or aren't trustworthy and make friends with them. And learn to listen to yourself first and foremost above all others, what red flags to watch out for, and develop in yourself enough trust in you that the minute you see serious red flags even in someone you're dating, that you'll just bail out of there no matter what feelings you might have or be developing for them instead of letting yourself get dragged in deeper. And you will probably do much better.