She doesn't feel the same attraction and love towards me as before

[fannar22]

I'm 21, she is 19, we've been together for 2 years now, i am her first. Our relationship has been quiet the same for a long time, we did stuff together, but in my opinion not nearly enough. In the relationship, i fell into a comfort zone where i work, come home, play video games/watch movies, then i go to her in the evening around 21:00 or 22:00. I want to change my computer addiction and i want to set goals for myself but am very lazy as i said and its hard to for me to go out and do something as my friends are exactly the same as me and we play games and stuff together. So 5 weeks ago, she broke up with me, reasoning being she doesn't feel the same attraction as before and she doesn't feel In love like she used to. I agree i dont feel the same about her as i did but i feel like that is because we dont spend time together or find something to do together. I said i was going to stop playing the computer so much and work on myself, so after a week of doing that we got back together, but everything i did that week when we were apart was to get her back, not for myself, anyway she gave it another shot. last 3 weeks, the relationship is just the same i fell back into my comfort zone and started being lazy again and have not set goals for school, my future, been late for work and so on. She dumped me last Friday with the reason being the same, She cannot control her feelings and she feels like this is the right thing to do. I agree that we need time apart, I want to use this time to try work on myself whether it leads to us breaking up completely or getting back together. Thing is, she wants to be friends and says we need each other, I am her best friend and she can't imagine losing contact with me, as for me i dont know if i want to get back together or not YET but I think i would give it another shot in few weeks time. And my questions to you guys is: Do I want to keep in contact with her for the next few weeks? Do you think that if i bring my self esteem up and work on myself without her help through the process that she will feel different than she does? I feel very alone without her and I just don't know what to think anymore, i keep wondering if she will feel attracted to me again in a few weeks time. Can relationships grow stronger after a process like this and is it likely that this could bring us back together?

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately treating her like booty call turned her off eventually, was she hoping for more of a relationship? She offered the friendzone, which is common, but perhaps she wants someone who will date her and treat her like a gf.

 

It's great you have insight into the source of the problem. Fix yourself for you, not anyone in particular. She already gave you a 2nd chance and it continued to be booty call, so it sounds like she's done with that.

i work, come home, play video games/watch movies, then i go to her in the evening around 21:00 or 22:00. 5 weeks ago, she broke up with me, reasoning being she doesn't feel the same attraction as before and she doesn't feel In love like she used to.i feel like that is because we dont spend time together or find something to do together. she wants to be friends

[fannar22]

Yeah, idk. She said to me when i met her yesterday that if there is anything a person can do to make a relationship better is to work on themselves and not the other person. You don't think that things like this are fixable? and that if i work on myself for a while that this could make the relationship stronger?

[Wiseman2]

Not if you keep treating her like booty call. Being self absorbed doesn't fix relationships even if it gives you the sensation of "working on yourself" until there are tangible permanent changes it's all talk and no walk.

 

Leave her alone if you want to work on yourself. Repackaging this self absorption as "working on yourself" won't bring her back if you pop in for sex at 21:00 and ignore her the rest of the time in favor of video games..

She said to me when i met her yesterday that if there is anything a person can do to make a relationship better is to work on themselves and not the other person.

[Andrina]

I'm sure you care about her, but if you truly loved her, when she gave you a second chance, you would've continued putting in daily effort. Instead, you let things slide and therefore lost her again. You chose your hobby over her.

 

I think this relationship has run its course. I don't know what will have changed enough over the next few weeks that will make anything different. She wants to stay friends because it will be weird to go cold turkey and never speak to each other again, when you've been a part of each others lives for the last few years.

 

You need to do what's best for yourself at this point. If you need closure and want to emotionally move on and leave your past in the past, you will have to explain this to her--that you want to go no contact.

 

If you think you can handle a friendship, then do so. Eventually, though, when either of you moves on to other romantic relationships, you really won't be able to be friends anymore. Romantic partners usually are not okay with their bf/gf staying in touch with exes. When she gets a new bf, you will most likely get put on the back burner.

 

Healthy relationships consist of good balances of time spent with each other, and time spent apart for work, education, hobbies, friends. As you can see, if the balance is top heavy on the side of time apart, your partner will be unhappy. Set a rule for yourself about a limited time you spend on your hobby, even if you're single. Think of it as a lifetime change. Work on achieving your future career. You will not be a good candidate for a lifetime partner if you can't pull your weight financially. Take care.