I don't know where to start

[enchant]

Hi guys! This is going to be super long post and it's my first time ever speaking about my worries or about how i feel and i actually don't even know where to start and a big part of me is scared that no one will reply or understand or that i'll be judged

 

I'm the type of person who avoids my problems, like if i know I've been spending too much money, i won't look at my bank account or if i know i have been slacking in school i won't check my grades and etc. But on the contrary, if I'm doing well in school i'll check my grades all the time or if i've recently cleaned my room then i'll make an effort to put things back exactly in the right place. I think to that degree I'm somewhat of a perfectionist, like if i'm going to clean my room i'm going to clean it 100% or i won't do it at all. Or if i'm going to study for a test i'll study every single chapter from the beginning regardless of if it's on the test because I don't want gaps in understanding the material. Or if i'm going to write a post about my problems i have to be very thorough.

Keeping with that idea, i've realized i need to make some changes to my life and overhaul it.

 

I'm a 3rd year university student, and i say i'm a social drinker but i feel like it has interfered with a lot of other aspects of my life. what worries me the is my work ethic, i've been working as a hostess at many different restaurants for around 4 years now, starting in high school and continuing during my university school breaks and etc. I was always a great employee I would never miss a shift, i had great work ethic and always tried my hardest. No matter how hungover i was, how tired i was, how little sleep i had, how much i wanted to hang out with friends, I would always make it to my shifts and find a way to make everything work.

My diminishing work ethic started around late last summer after my brother committed suicide, i worked at 2 different places and my managers knew of my brother's death and were very sympathetic to me about calling off work for grieving purposes and family functions, but i abused their sympathy and lied for the first time to call off due to a hangover and another time because i was stuck somewhere like 2 hours away. I'm not sure exactly what the cause of it was, maybe i realized I could get away with it or maybe it had something to do with my brother's death, or maybe it was just a coincidence. But ever since then, especially this past summer my work ethic has been terrible, I call off all the time and ask to leave early a lot even though I worked fewer hours than I did in the past.

 

The few days time period between when my older brother died and before my older sister was able to get back to the country was when i first started abusing drugs (i've tried these drugs recreationally before) that i got from acquaintances. my mother and i have a very estranged relationship (we've never said i love you to each other, we never talk except when explicitly necessary, it's bad and my childhood is a whole 'nother bag of worms) and i felt like i really needed the drugs to stand being with her at family functions, and to support her emotionally and to be a good daughter in general since i was all she had at the time (my father left us when i was a kid). and i just felt better with it. i self medicated myself, timed and dosed everything. and it continued like that, a routine for the next few weeks.

part of me feels like i'm the best me when i'm on something. need to study? there's something for that! are you sad? there's something for that! feeling anxiety? there's something for that!

 

my first year of college i had great grades, maybe it's because my roommates studied a lot and because i lived on campus so it was easy to get to class and the library and etc.

my second year, my grades went down a LOT and not because of my brother (i didn't tell anyone besides those same roommates because i didn't want anyone to pity me and also because i didn't want all these people to know an intimate part of my life) but because i joined a sorority so i had a lot on my plate to do that semester. but the second semester i had already crossed so there was no reason for my grades to be so terrible but all i wanted to do was stay in bed and watch netflix or something and i missed all my classes and i didn't really care at all about my academics whereas just a year ago i was a straight A student.

this is my third year and now i live off campus, which makes it hard for me to get to class which i use as an excuse as to why i miss a lot of my classes. my grades are still pretty bad but i'm trying to raise them up.

 

 

i've read a lot of articles that say the first step is to disassociate yourself from friends who might be negative.

 

i have one group of girlfriends who i've known for years now and we're from different schools but whenever we get together during breaks or when we travel to each other's schools, we drink a ridiculous amount and do drugs. i tell them everything that happens and i consider them my best friends but besides one of them, i've never really hung out with them sober or in the day time or just to relax and chill. but at the same time i can't imagine ever just disassociating myself from them or how i would even do that.

i have another group of girlfriends who are from my college. we also drink a lot together at parties but we also hang out sober, do random things together. they're not as crazy drinking and drug-wise as my other girlfriends but they're kind of superficial, half our conversations are about clothes and make up and bodies. they're all so beautiful, literally every single one of them are just gorgeous. when i'm with them i feel like i'm just not good enough, i'm too ugly, i'm too fat, i feel so flawed but like i can't be flawed. i feel especially worse because i definitely did gain a little weight the past few months and whenever i hang out with them it just reminds me that i've gained weight.

 

I feel like my first group of friends enables me to do a lot of the stuff i'm trying to stop such as drugs and alcohol and the second group triggers my low ridiculously low self-esteem and self-hatred but i can't imagine not being friends with them. they haven't done anything wrong, it's my fault that i'm like this but i know that if i hung out with people like my roommates from my first/second year of college i'd probably be better off but logistically it'd be hard cause we're in different sororities, they have their friends and we live kind of far from each other now.

 

I've also tried to receive professional help (recently for these problems but also for stuff about my childhood that i feel like messed me up bad but i don't think they have anything to do with what i'm currently going through) but every time i've made an appointment the day of i either chicken out or i just find some excuse not to go. But i have promised myself to make an appointment for a psych counsellor meeting when the office opens tomorrow. part of me just hopes that if i go to a session, they can diagnose me with some medication to fix me up and i'll just be all good to go.

 

i really just don't know what my issue is but i just really kinda felt the need to get this out somewhere and hoped that someone might be able to relate to me or give me insight or advice or anything really cause i feel so terrible right now.

[Wiseman2]

Slowly unraveling into a world of substance abuse is easy to deny.

[Clarisse]

Oh honey, please, please, please get yourself in to see a counsellor as soon as possible. You need help. Do it before it gets worse, ok?