Filial Piety

[abbie2790]

Ever since I started my job almost 2 years ago, I've been giving my parents $500 a month.

Now I don't mind doing this because my parents struggle to pay their mortgage and other bills and are in some debt so I am happy to help. I make enough ($60,000/yr) from my two jobs to just get by but by no means am I living in luxury especially after paying my own rent, bills and student loans.

 

My grandfather recently died and a portion of his inheritance (about $80,000) will be going to my mom after some legal issues are sorted out. Recently I was speaking with my mom about this and suggested I would not be paying her the monthly $500 once she receives the inheritance money. She got upset and insisted I keep paying the $500 a month as filial piety. She insisted that she'd save the money to pay for my marriage and keep an emergency fund for me but I told her that I would rather do that myself. Then she pointed out that I was being ungrateful since after all these years of raising me, I don't even want to give back $500 a month.

 

I know some people do give back to their parents by sending allowance money but I don't see the reason why I should be giving money to my parents when they're getting an inheritance that's more than I can even offer. I'd like to go back to school and I'd really like to save as much as possible. I had told her that right now I don't make enough to comfortably continue sending them money but if I ever get a better job or pay increase that I'd give what I can. But she keeps insisting on the monthly $500 allowance. What to do?

[Fudgie]

Your mother is being greedy. She was probably counting on you on paying her $500/month for life and now is upset that you're not going to keep sinking money into it. She is not looking out for your best interests. You want to go back to school - it's better for you to do that instead of being stuck where you are, paying mother dearest $500/month while she enjoys 80k in inheritance.

 

You should no longer rely on your mother's ability to look out for you: time to look out for yourself here and your future.

[Hermes]

I just don't understand it Abbie.

 

Filial Piety

 

My take on it is: don't have children if you intend to guilt trip them.

 

It is a parent's DUTY to raise their children, not something to throw in the child's face.

 

They decided to have children,k with all that implies. Not your fault.

[pippy longstocking]

I have never known anyone send their parents that much money a month ( any money infact ).... so no you don't need to carry on when she gets the money and you are not ungrateful or anything of the kind ..you have been very very kind and generous .

[Hermes]

I had to look it up:

 

(money isn't mentioned, or guilt tripping).

 

"In Confucian philosophy, filial piety (Chinese: 孝, xiào) is a virtue of respect for one's parents, .... Filial piety is an important element in the cultures of the Ryukyu Islands. It is the topic of half of the verses of the most popular Okinawan folksong, "

[notalady]

Honestly? I think your mum is the one being ungrateful. Coming from a Chinese background, I know all about filial piety, and I also know that many people don't do that any more (giving parents money), in fact most parents would give their kids money where they can afford it, well into adulthood.

 

I think it's great that you were happy to help when they are tight financially, but now that they have this money coming in, I can't get my head around the fact that she's still demand money from you when you explicitly said, you can't afford it and you want to save money for further education. What parent wouldn't be happy to hear that their kids want to save money to put to good use? I'm sorry but I somehow can't respect parents who play the "I raised you for so many years therefore you need to pay back" card. If my parents need financial help, I will definitely help but not if they demand it like your mom is doing now.

 

I would say either she doesn't trust you to save (genuinely want to save for you), or more likely, she's coming from a selfish standpoint (wanting the money and possibly bragging rights).

 

All that being said, will $80k solve all their financial problems and they won't need help anymore? If so, I would simply stop giving her the money. That's all.

[ParisPaulette]

Holy smokes, you mean all these years I'm supposed to have been keeping a running tally of the money I spent on the kids I chose to have and raise, so that they could pay me back? Oh man, I've been doing this parenting thing all wrong.

 

Okay, sarcasm aside your mom is being a greedy - well I won't say it, but I'll think it okay. Tell Mom you love the idea of a savings account for your wedding, so you're going to open up a special account and put the extra $500 a month into that directly rather than having to go all sorts of ways backwards. And that they can and should enjoy the inheritance they're getting and use that to pay their bills, etc.

 

And you don't pay them another dime, because there is no.such.thing.as "filial piety" in any universe but your mom's. EDIT: That means giving money to the parent to pay them back for raising you. And I'm sorry but if she's going to get upset or cut you out, because of that then your parents have far bigger mental and emotional issues than just with money.

 

This should be the best sign in the universe that maybe it's time to take a few steps back, go live your own life, and let mom and dad learn to manage their own money better. You have been more generous than most, in fact in some families the kids would be scheming all manner of ill things to get their hands on the inheritance money. Your mom has a serious lack of gratitude for how good a son and person you truly are.

 

Maybe it's time to start spending that goodness someplace that's a little more appreciated, because them being blood does not make this treatment acceptable at all. Frankly I'm appalled a grown woman would try to pull such a stunt on her own child. I'm a mom, I'd never do anything like that to my kids.

[Hermes]

Hear, hear, Paulette!!

[DancingFool]

Your mother is being greedy and manipulative and I say this coming from a culture where it is your absolute duty to take care of your aging parents.

 

An allowance is frankly unheard of. Duty to take care of your parents simply means that once they are no longer able to care for themselves either due to illness or age or both, then it's on you to ensure that they receive necessary care either by placing them in proper facility, having them live with you, etc. However, it is also their responsibility to save sufficient funds to pay their retirement bills. The children may need to supplement some as needed, but that's about it. You do not give your parents an allowance and you do not pay their bills while they are still capable of working and paying their own bills. I don't want to, I don't feel like it doesn't count as incapable, btw. If they have severe debts that they have run up and are not able to pay, then perhaps they need to consider bankruptcy and working with a financial adviser on how to budget and manage their finances going forward so that they have savings left.

 

In short, stop enabling your parents and do not allow your mother to blackmail you like that. You were right to be firm with her and tell her directly that you cannot keep doing this.

[Hermes]

"You do not give your parents an allowance and you do not pay their bills while they are still capable of working and paying their own bills. "

 

Exactly.

 

It is an other matter entirely if parents are aged and feeble.

 

That is not the case here.

[pippy longstocking]

I had to look it up:

 

(money isn't mentioned, or guilt tripping).

 

"In Confucian philosophy, filial piety (Chinese: 孝, xiào) is a virtue of respect for one's parents, .... Filial piety is an important element in the cultures of the Ryukyu Islands. It is the topic of half of the verses of the most popular Okinawan folksong, "

 

can you imagine us lot all doing this ..I am blown away honestly

[notalady]

Filial piety is a value for the children to respect and appreciate their parents, and sometimes that does involve money and voluntarily "paying back" for the lack of a better term, to show that you appreciate them raising you, the key word VOLUNTARILY, and where the child can afford it. Not where parents demands it and the child struggles to pay.

 

Assuming the OP is Chinese, while times are changing, people are getting more well off, there are a lot of people who simply don't have the means to save (earning minimum wage and such), or they made a bad investment and lost all their money. There's no such thing as bankruptcy in China (assuming that's where they are), unfortunately.

 

Anyway, without knowing the ins and outs, I would say if the $80k solves their problem, there's really no reason for you to keep paying them anymore, when the fact is you can't afford it. Any parent, whatever ethnicity and culture, would want their children to have a bette future, to save for more education, further their career. If your mom doesn't, and seems like she doesn't, then I wouldn't feel bad not adhering to "filial piety". Like any relationship, to gain respect she needs to give respect.

[Hermes]

I greatly respected and appreciated my parents (and miss them a lot). Never, ever, did they ask me for "money back".

 

If people decide to have children those children are THEIR responsibility.

 

don't have children if you can't afford them.

[zeino]

Have you spoken to your father about this? What does he think?

[melancholy123]

Time for you to move out! You can put that $500 towards your own rent or mortgage. Your mother is greedy, plain and simple.

[Fudgie]

Time for you to move out! You can put that $500 towards your own rent or mortgage. Your mother is greedy, plain and simple.

 

OP does not live with her mother. She has her own rent to pay.

[annie24]

I agree with the others - this is nonsense. It is awesome of you to help out especially when they were having a tough time, but since the inheritance is coming through and you have bills of your own (including the big student loans!), it makes sense for you to save that $500 a month and put it into savings or towards the loans or both. She is being too greedy.

[abbie2790]

Thank you all for the advice and support. This is very confusing since I know my mom would do anything for me. She is in general a caring and generous person. Money always seems to be a contentious issue. I feel that my mom thinks I am trying to skimp on my filial duty whereas I just want to be more stable so I am not giving at my own expense.

[abbie2790]

@zeino: I haven't, but my dad has a tendency to side with my mom no matter the issue so I'm not sure how the conversation will go. Also, my mom is still very upset with me so I haven't had a desire to contact her until things have cooled down.

[itsallgrand]

You don't owe them anything even if they are in debt and even if they weren't receiving this inheritance. It would hurt my heart so much if a parent even hinted that they thought they did. To outright say as your mom did, that she feels entitled to your money, is so harsh and unloving.

 

Your mom obviously figures she isn't responsible for herself and her choices because otherwise she wouldn't expect to get handed money for having a kid. That's so disgusting to me.

 

I think this shows you it's time to cut the cord with your parents. It's time . I don't mean stop loving them or seeing them, if you want to, but financially. Financial codependency within families is another form of not cutting the cord .

[zeino]

I agree with all posters that the mother comes as demanding and given that she now has the financial resources to handle her mortgage, she isn't in a very worrying situation. I also think this is not just "cultural". Culture is always experienced and practised at individual levels in various ways. Yet, I would be a bit careful to judge this mother as greedy or irresponsible very quickly. I think Abbie and the mother need to sit down together and address this issue at deeper levels if they can for the sake of their mother and daughter relationship. This may be difficult at first but in the long-term can be beneficial, especially if Abbie wants to continue a more satisfactory relationship with her mother. She already knows what she wants, which is an individuated and healthy wish. I agree that she needs to put a boundary. But in this instance, boundary setting may also be practised as building boundaries together in a problem-solving manner instead of just stating what one will or will not do. The mother may not be very open to this at first but in time, this may also change.

 

To give credit to some (but not all) of these money oriented parents, some also do not spend money for themselves at all so that their child gets the most of everything. From one cultural perspective, this may not be the healthiest, most individual thing to do but in some other cultures, it may be life-saving for the child. It certainly has its unique pressures and enmeshed aspects but it does offer financial advantages for the child as well. For instance, elderly people never sell their property to go on a cruise during the last years of their lives, trying to leave as much inheritence possible to their children. I'm not arguing that this is better, it is just a different system of community. I don't know if Abbie's mother is a big spender who financially exploits at the same time, but if there is a difference in their understanding of life, that can be attempted to be solved. Here, the mother may need assurance in addition to boundary setting.

 

Coming from poverty is another factor that can make people fear life and be controlling in these ways. The mother can be trying to save her young one in the way she knows. This isn't the right way but intentions may not be bad. The behaviour can be changed with an alternative though. I'm thinking about this because the mother here ays she will save the money for her daughter. Unless she is lying, the behaviour is controlling but not based on exploitative intentions. She may even be trying to touch as little of this inheritance as possible to leave it to Abbie. Some people simply cannot touch the money that comes to their way this way.

 

Immigration can be a factor in its own way - if this is the case here. People living away from their countries can be unaware of new lifestyles developed in their motherland and conservatively try to continue some outdated traditions as a way of identity.

 

Someone whose opinions I valued a lot on another support site mentioned something once. When a member of the family is more educated than the others (like the first child who gets a diploma), other members of the group may feel that this person is leaving the group, is better than the group etc. This makes them treat the more educated one as a "hoity-toity" even though it was their dream that this person is well-educated and has a chance for a better life. Maybe there is something like this here.

 

Abbie can try to find out with a heart-to-heart and slowly what this filial piety represents to her mother. What is she fearing? That her daughter will forget about her? That she will be losing her identity? That she will be charmed with her earning potential and waste her own money? The mother may slowly open up if she is affirmed a lot. Sometimes seemingly dominant people are full of fears and I think it's worth a try - she already has her boundary anyway, she doesn't want to give the money.

 

Abbie, in terms of your personal development, your education plans, your ideas for your future, you can be at a different stage than your mother thinks. She may think the preparation- for- life stage is over now and you are stable, so you can contribute to the family and live like this for the rest of your life. You on the other hand feel that you need to invest more in yourself. You can say that you want to invest more in your future but this doesn't mean that you will ever neglect your duties to your mother as a daughter. Only, at this moment, you also need money for your self to invest in your future and it may be too late soon. You can share how your work sector requires these diplomas and the new working life demands these from workers. Maybe you can open a savings accounts to save for your education and say that you so want to be able to save for this. And you can promise her that you will never leave her deprived in her life but at the moment a very clear like 500 dollars a month makes it very difficult for you to build a future. You did this because you were really being dutiful but now that they are more relaxed financially, you wish to start saving for this education. Also, maybe you can suggest some safe money generating alternatives that she can use with her money so her budget doesn't change much. Assure her about your love for her and your understanding of being a good daughter. Ask her what else you two can do to enrich your relationship where you are a good daughter. If she says nothing, just do what the filial piety requires, you can gently remind her that mothers and daughters must have a considerate bond that goes beyond financial arrangements. Tell her that you are sure of her love for you and aware of how much she has done for you. Tell her you are grateful but at this stage in your life you are unable to express it in the financial way she wants. Then you can ask her how else would she like this bond and love to be expressed. Offer alternatives. Let her think. Maybe she never thought about this before.

 

If she insists on the money and is dismissive of everything, then it's time for individual boundary setting.

 

I think you can give a chance to your mother to come closer to you in thinking.

 

Best of luck

[Hermes]

"Financial codependency within families is another form of not cutting the cord ."

 

I fully agree, Itsallgrand.

 

And IMO this is not a cultural issue alone. Hardly a day goes by but I am not horrified at how a parent or parents can sow huge trouble by the way they manipulate (for example) wills and inheritances.

Fortunately not all parents work in this dysfunctional and manipulative mode, but there are those that do, regardless of where they hail from.

[abbie2790]

Thanks all for your time and help in this matter!!

 

@Zeino: Thanks for the tips - I definitely think trying to understand where my mom is coming from is a good starting point. We'll see where that takes me and if all else fails, at least I tried.