greta96 Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 Ok so I am embarrassed to be coming on here with such a high school issue, but I am not quite sure how to handle something so here I am. I have this female friend who is part of the group I go out with, and then I have this ex (the only ex that I haven't been able to completely get over) who hangs out at the same place we do so we run into regularly. My female friend is great, we get along well. She only has one downfall - she loves male attention and especially the male attention of those guys who used to be part of my life (ex boyfriends, ex friends, old crushes, etc). Every time a guy talks to me, she pushes herself in the conversation and flirts with him, which is fine by me because I'm not single and not looking for anything with anyone. She doesn't do anything more either because she's not single, but out of the group of friends, her behavior stands out and is clearly geared towards overshadowing me. I'm fine with it, like I said. However, when it comes to my ex, I'm really not fine with it. She knows I will always have a soft spot for him and you'd think she'd give me a break where he's concerned but no. Me and him are (or were) on civil terms, even friendly I might say. The breakup was years ago and even though I still resent him for what happened, I always tried to be the bigger person and maintain a cordial note in my interactions with him. I had to change all this months ago, when I realized that every time I interacted with him in a friendly manner, my friend would mirror me in everything I did. I never even introduced them officially, yet every time we hugged "hi" and "bye", she'd hug him too. Whenever he's around, she makes it a point to stare and smile at him. It's obvious and call me petty but I hate it. I guess I still care enough to the point where I'm jealous. So I did the only thing I could do to stop this from happening - I started completely ignoring him every time we bumped into each other, to the point of rudeness. I knew she'd mirror me, and she did. Problem solved, you'd think. The thing is, I feel bad about it. I still want to be on friendly terms with him, he wants that too, I can tell from his body language. He probably thinks I've lost my marbles and doesn't understand why I changed. But if I act friendly, she'll start her flirtations again. So my choice is either be friendly with him (which is what I want) but have to see her hug him and flirt with him, or be rude to him and at least not have to see stuff that bothers me. Going without her is not an option, she's part of the group. Talking to her is not an option, first of all I already tried that and she just got indignant and told me I was imagining things, and secondly I can't tell people what to do. So what's left for me to do? Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 She may think that because you're taken and she's single that you wouldn't mind being her wing-woman on girls night out.which is fine by me because I'm not single and not looking for anything with anyone. Link to comment
greta96 Posted October 31, 2016 Author Share Posted October 31, 2016 She may think that because you're taken and she's single that you wouldn't mind being her wing-woman on girls night out. She's in a LTR, she's not single... Link to comment
charity Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 Seeing as you are in a relationship and you're not quite over this guy to the extent that this bothers you my advise is to lose the contact with him. You have a friendship (of sorts) with her, you have nothing with him. It'll fix this problem in your friendship and fix your problem in getting over him. Link to comment
journeynow Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 If it were me, I'd take my feelings as a sign I'm not yet healed from the break up. If she's mirroring me and I don't like her behavior, then I have to stop that behavior. If he's a friend now, I have to respect that. If he's still more than a friend, I have to acknowledge that and either ride through my feelings, or limit contact with him until the feelings fade. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 Although completely unintentionally, she is doing you a favor by forcing you to cut off contact with this ex. You've been holding that candle burning for too long and it's time to extinguish it. In a really backwards way she is helping you accomplish it. Comes a time when the ex needs to become less to you than an empty space, especially when you are in a relationship with someone else. Other than that, she is an attention wh... and there are no exceptions to that. I doubt that she is even conscious she does it. Grabbing attention for people like her is a bit like breathing, not really a calculated act but just as necessary. So yes, the only solution you have is to do what you are doing, ignore your ex like an empty space....and really he needs to actually become so for you. The contact, seeing him, being friendly has actually stopped you from fully moving on. So perhaps this will. As all medicine, it will be bitter for awhile, but....in the end it's good to be whole again and free from holding any torches. Link to comment
greta96 Posted October 31, 2016 Author Share Posted October 31, 2016 Dancingfool, yes I think so too, she may not even realize she's doing it, it's her second nature. I am glad and relieved to see that you guys think what I'm doing is actually the best thing, I don't know if that 'flame' will ever go away completely because it was some sort of connection I have never and will probably never experience again, so blanking him out completely may indeed do me a world of good in the long run. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 You aren't old, 39 is not old!!! If you still have feelings for this guy you shouldn't be hugging him or spending any given amount of time around him. How would you feel if your S/O saw an ex that he still had feelings for and spent time with her and hugged? Your friend doesn't have her own identity and so she mimics yours. Why don't you just tell your ex that you think it is the most respectful thing to your relationship not to be too friendly with him. That way he understands why you changed. Lost Link to comment
greta96 Posted October 31, 2016 Author Share Posted October 31, 2016 You aren't old, 39 is not old!!! If you still have feelings for this guy you shouldn't be hugging him or spending any given amount of time around him. How would you feel if your S/O saw an ex that he still had feelings for and spent time with her and hugged? Your friend doesn't have her own identity and so she mimics yours. Why don't you just tell your ex that you think it is the most respectful thing to your relationship not to be too friendly with him. That way he understands why you changed. Lost In my culture it is common to briefly hug/kiss cheeks when greeting someone "hi" and "bye", it's not done in a romantic way and nobody really takes it to mean more than it is. But yes, I did stop even that a few months ago, when I realized I was being mirrored (and it's definitely not my friend's culture to do these gestures so I knew it was out of norm for her to do that). If he was ever to ask why the change, I will take your suggestion and explain it to him that way. I doubt he'll ask though. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 I hug a lot of friends male and female but only a select few get a kiss and I didn't date any of them. It is a personal gesture showing a fondness it me anyways. You could do a fist bump the next time you see him and see if she does it too. That would be funny! Or talk to him before hand and come up with some elaborate greeting she could never copy. Either way she seems a bit lost. Kind of sad. Good luck Lost Link to comment
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