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I had a one night stand with my bf's friend before I met my boyfriend


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Okay so a little bit of background…. My boyfriend and I have been together just over a year – let’s call him ‘Brian’. We clicked straight away and we have just exchanged contracts to buy a house together. We get on so so well, he makes me laugh constantly and I trust him with my life. He’s helped me through some really difficult times and is always there for me. He’s my best friend.

There’s just one issue that keeps being brought up and really causes tension between us... the way we first met. I had a one night stand with his friend, in what I found out afterwards was Brian’s house. I was really drunk, immature and going through a hard time - I’ve never had a one night stand before or since. In my right mind, I’d have never even looked twice at his friend. I think back and wish I hadn’t gone out that night/ hadn’t drunk as much/ had thought more about what I was doing. I met Brian later that night – we really really got on and I found him so sweet and endearing.

About a week later, Brian started to pursue me… he got my number off one of my friends and started texting/ direct messaging me on twitter. At first I ignored his messages. A few weeks later he then started snapchatting me, to which I started to reply. We instantly clicked. I’ve never spoke to a more charming and funny person. The next day he invited me on a date, to which I accepted. We hit it off from the get go, we had so much in common and really enjoyed each other’s company. We been basically inseparable since.

At first how we met didn’t seem like an issue…. However, as the relationship began to progress, it started being brought up… especially when Brian gets drunk/ anything about my past comes up. We can go months without speaking about it, and then all of a sudden it will come up, in a (usually entirely unrelated) argument. He tells me he thinks the relationship is tainted by how we met, and that if it wasn’t for that it would be a fairy tale relationship. He feels like he’s drifted away from that group of friends as a consequence. He thinks it’s a very ty thing for me to have done (although I think this is just the jealousy speaking as he has had numerous one night stands himself going through University). He says its embarrassing when people ask how we met and if we were to have kids, he wonders what we will tell them. I carry so much guilt with me for that night that I can’t seem to shake off. Knowing that something I have done has caused him this much hurt really upsets me, especially how I can’t do anything about it. I feel the guilt like I imagine people who have cheated on their partner feel, except I didn’t know my partner

I’m writing this for advice as a few days ago we very nearly broke up. Brian had spent a night out with his friends. Being around the friend seems to remind him of what happened, and so in both of our drunken states, we had a blazing row. He said he can’t get over it and he thinks about it all the time. That he feels like he’s going to continue to really hurt if we stay together… but he doesn’t know what he’d do without me. The next day, he seemed really cold and said he needed to have a think about the situation, but he didn’t want to break up with me. He said he realizes that I haven’t actually done anything wrong as we didn’t know each other at the time, but he can’t help that it affects him.

I don’t know what to do…. I feel like I’m waiting for him to turn around one day and say it’s too much and he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. I feel like I can’t talk to him about it as every time it’s brought up it turns into a huge argument. I think because I’m the one that has done it, he thinks more about his own feelings and not mine, as he sees me as being at fault. He doesn’t seem to realize how badly it affects me. I worry about it all the time and get intense anxiety. It’s difficult as 99.9% of our relationship is perfect – he treats me like a princess and makes me feel so loved. He spends a lot of time with me and I have been fully welcomed by him and his family, but I can tell he’s hurting and I don’t know how to help him. When we talk about it he reads into everything I say and I find that everything that comes out of my mouth is wrong and seems to upset him more.

We both want to move past the issue, and don’t want to break up. How can I help him come to terms with what has happened, and to help him realize it doesn’t have any effect on our relationship? And how do I stop feeling the intense guilt that I feel over hurting my boyfriend before I’d ever even met him, and stop the past from ruining our future? I’m really struggling

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Personally, I don't think I could get with a woman who'd been sexually involved with a friend of mine. But I also wouldn't get involved or stay involved with the woman. You didn't do anything wrong hooking up with his friend and, ultimately, this is his problem to get over. The unfortunate reality is this is a no-win situation for you. If you try to work with him, he'll only see it as his insecurity being legitimized, which will keep the cycle going.

 

You can both want to stay together all you want, but if he can't get over it, then you two are incompatible.

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Honestly I think you are doing too much thinking and agonizing over this. You actually have nothing to feel guilty for. You might need to explain to Brian that you ain't no fairy and life ain't no tale. Hr pursued you knowing full what happened. It's himself he should be analyzing not you.

This is what you do..... you sit Brian down and you say 'I did nothing wrong and I will not be made to feel S***TY for something that happened years ago. This is real life, not a movie. So deal with this or don't, it's your choice but don't mention it to me ever again.

And you need to understand that if he makes the wrong choice then that is where its at. Because that means he's not mature enough to handles life's imperfections. And he would end up just making you more and more miserable.

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He knew full on what had happened prior to starting a relationship with you. If he can't accept it now then you must consider ending the relationship. Sadly, somethings are ridiculous yet hard to bear, and if he can't move past it, you must move on. Not fair of him to make you suffer it for ever.

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I have a real problem with people making a big deal over what happened (before) a relationship. It has nothing to do with the current. I have never asked or looked down on a partner that I decided to be with cause of what happened before. Yes if it was huge I'd make a decision. But over all who cares. He has to let this go. Good luck

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I've learned with life experience that once something has happened to start an argument, once the argument is over, you don't bring the incident up ever again. There is no point to that except to create drama and make the other person keep paying for a past, supposed crime or bad behavior.

 

It's a good thing to discuss boundaries and rules in your relationship like this. My husband and I have discussed all the rules we think are important, including not calling each other names while arguing.

 

If I were you and thought he was worth salvaging the relationship for, I'd tell him your rules. I'd also give him an ultimatum. Otherwise, if you let him get away with bringing up something from your past one more time and you continue on with him, he will know this is not a deal breaker and you will continue on with him. I'd say: "You chose to be with me knowing what happened. I will not stay in this relationship being berated for something I did one time. I'm a faithful, wonderful girlfriend and I will be treated like gold by you, or I won't be a part of your life anymore. If you bring up that incident one more time, we're through."

 

You teach people how to treat you. If you're a doormat, people will step all over you. If you tell them that you will walk away if you're grossly mistreated and stick by it, they will lose the pleasure of your company.

 

You don't leave just because of minor arguments and people do have flaws. You have to know the difference between minor flaws and major flaws. His behavior is unacceptable. If he changes, he cares. If he doesn't, walk away.

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Since you are buying a house together despite this, learn to leave the room/situation when he goes on drunken rants. Hopefully you seriously consider not moving in or better yet ending it.

 

Discontinue at once to apologize about this or defend yourself or give any credence to his drunken pontificating.

 

Before you sign any papers carefully reflect that this isn't about how you met it's about his need to disparage you to maintain this absurd moral upper hand and hold you hostage to manufactured guilt.

 

It sounds like he's using this as an excuse not to move in or more forward this fast. Who's idea was it to want to move in buy a place talk about kids etc.?

 

It would be wise for you to step back rather then rushing forward with this wish/hoping he'll ever treat you with respect.

just exchanged contracts to buy a house together. when Brian gets drunk/ anything about my past comes up. he thinks the relationship is tainted by how we met. in both of our drunken states, we had a blazing row. The next day, he seemed really cold and said he needed to have a think about the situation, but he didn’t want to break up with me.
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I can understand why your one night stand with his friend would bother him, but by the same token he knew about it before you two became a couple and still chose to pursue you, so I don't think it's fair of him to keep holding it over your head!

Had he not known and only found out after you two became a couple, I would understand his anger, but he knew, and he had the choice of not pursuing you and not starting a relationship with you.

 

I think you need to sit him down one last time, put all your cards on the table and ask him whether he feels he would ever be able to move past what happened or it will always play on his mind and continue to eat away at the relationship. If he agrees to put it behind him, then he also needs to drop it and never mention it again. If he feels he won't be able to do that, then there's no point in continuing the relationship, as good as it might be otherwise. Why torture each other and have this black cloud over your heads, when you can both move on and be with people where there is no such history to spoil things?

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It was his idea to move in and he's always talking about the future... he seems really excited to move in and has started picking out furniture he likes, hes being really involved in the house buying process. I'm quite a closed person so it would always be him that brings up the future ect - I dont feel like I'm pushing anything onto him for him to want to slow things down at all, quite the opposite really. What you say is interesting though..perhaps he is wanting to advance the relationship in hope it will take his mind of his worries and in some way validate the relationship?

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Don't rush in. Why is he hustling you like that? Another red flag on top of denigrating you, getting drunk, fighting, etc. if you go through with this, have a backup plan to move out.

 

No...abusers advance relationships to stay in control, just like holding this over your head keep you under his thumb..

It was his idea to move in and he's always talking about the future... he seems really excited to move in and has started picking out furniture he likes, hes being really involved in the house buying process. I'm quite a closed person so it would always be him that brings up the future ect.perhaps he is wanting to advance the relationship in hope it will take his mind of his worries and in some way validate the relationship?
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Okay so a little bit of background…. My boyfriend and I have been together just over a year – let’s call him ‘Brian’. We clicked straight away and we have just exchanged contracts to buy a house together. We get on so so well, he makes me laugh constantly and I trust him with my life. He’s helped me through some really difficult times and is always there for me. He’s my best friend.

There’s just one issue that keeps being brought up and really causes tension between us... the way we first met. I had a one night stand with his friend, in what I found out afterwards was Brian’s house. I was really drunk, immature and going through a hard time - I’ve never had a one night stand before or since. In my right mind, I’d have never even looked twice at his friend. I think back and wish I hadn’t gone out that night/ hadn’t drunk as much/ had thought more about what I was doing. I met Brian later that night – we really really got on and I found him so sweet and endearing.

About a week later, Brian started to pursue me… he got my number off one of my friends and started texting/ direct messaging me on twitter. At first I ignored his messages. A few weeks later he then started snapchatting me, to which I started to reply. We instantly clicked. I’ve never spoke to a more charming and funny person. The next day he invited me on a date, to which I accepted. We hit it off from the get go, we had so much in common and really enjoyed each other’s company. We been basically inseparable since.

At first how we met didn’t seem like an issue…. However, as the relationship began to progress, it started being brought up… especially when Brian gets drunk/ anything about my past comes up. We can go months without speaking about it, and then all of a sudden it will come up, in a (usually entirely unrelated) argument. He tells me he thinks the relationship is tainted by how we met, and that if it wasn’t for that it would be a fairy tale relationship. He feels like he’s drifted away from that group of friends as a consequence. He thinks it’s a very ty thing for me to have done (although I think this is just the jealousy speaking as he has had numerous one night stands himself going through University). He says its embarrassing when people ask how we met and if we were to have kids, he wonders what we will tell them. I carry so much guilt with me for that night that I can’t seem to shake off. Knowing that something I have done has caused him this much hurt really upsets me, especially how I can’t do anything about it. I feel the guilt like I imagine people who have cheated on their partner feel, except I didn’t know my partner

I’m writing this for advice as a few days ago we very nearly broke up. Brian had spent a night out with his friends. Being around the friend seems to remind him of what happened, and so in both of our drunken states, we had a blazing row. He said he can’t get over it and he thinks about it all the time. That he feels like he’s going to continue to really hurt if we stay together… but he doesn’t know what he’d do without me. The next day, he seemed really cold and said he needed to have a think about the situation, but he didn’t want to break up with me. He said he realizes that I haven’t actually done anything wrong as we didn’t know each other at the time, but he can’t help that it affects him.

I don’t know what to do…. I feel like I’m waiting for him to turn around one day and say it’s too much and he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. I feel like I can’t talk to him about it as every time it’s brought up it turns into a huge argument. I think because I’m the one that has done it, he thinks more about his own feelings and not mine, as he sees me as being at fault. He doesn’t seem to realize how badly it affects me. I worry about it all the time and get intense anxiety. It’s difficult as 99.9% of our relationship is perfect – he treats me like a princess and makes me feel so loved. He spends a lot of time with me and I have been fully welcomed by him and his family, but I can tell he’s hurting and I don’t know how to help him. When we talk about it he reads into everything I say and I find that everything that comes out of my mouth is wrong and seems to upset him more.

We both want to move past the issue, and don’t want to break up. How can I help him come to terms with what has happened, and to help him realize it doesn’t have any effect on our relationship? And how do I stop feeling the intense guilt that I feel over hurting my boyfriend before I’d ever even met him, and stop the past from ruining our future? I’m really struggling

 

You did nothing wrong. He wasn't your boyfriend at the time. You were single. You had a ONS. So what? I don't know why he continues to bring it up except that he's insecure.

 

If people ask how you met you say "at a party." That's it. You don't have to say "oh I banged his friend in a drunken one night stand and then boom there was Brian." No one needs to know nor will they care.

 

Obviously things aren't 99.9% perfect. You sit him down and tell him to get it all out. After that he can't bring it up again. If he can't get over it your relationship will never work.

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I honestly dont think I would be able to find someone better... like he makes me so so happy - hes funny, makes time for me, my family absolutely adore him, hes caring and encourages me to do what I want and put myself first. I feel like no relationship is perfect and we'd be swapping ours for another that would also not be perfect, but would also be less happy. He's a lot like me in a way so I have so much empathy and love for him.. I really want to try to work through it before contemplating breaking up. I feel like we havent really tried anything to get over it as I havent known how to approach it before...

 

Thanks a lot for taking time out to give me advice

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He doesn't WANT TO get over it. It's about beating you down with guilt-power and control. It shouldn't be an issue in the first place.

 

Sorry you are not going to "fix" him because you feel "you can't do better" and wish and hope he would not get into drunken rages about this.. (That's so sad to read)

 

But once you are trapped in that place, furniture, future talk and all, the real control and abuse will begin. But yes, "You love him"...so you'll walk right into this, unfortunately.

What do you think he could do to try and get over it? Do you think professional help would be an option or am I just clutching at straws
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This Brian needs to decide what he wants. OK. Maybe at first he wasn't aware how much this would affect him later but now it does. You cannot blame him for this but neither do you have to take responsibility. Here is a lesson for Brian, certain things that don't hurt in the beginning may hurt later. Another lesson for Brian. Anxiety makes one say strange things like what shall we tell our children. He will tell that Mommy was a friend of a friend and that's how you two met. Adults don't have to disclose their sexual lives to their children.

 

He owes you an apology as his moral values seem to have changed and staying with you in a relationship until he makes his own head clear means wasting your time and treating you disrespectfully.

 

So from now on, what are his values. Are these now independent (that is will they never change no matter who he wants to be with?) Or are they interdependent or dependent (that is he is ready to change them for once in his life so that he can be with you?)

 

Then, no talking him out of what he does. He needs to "delete and reset". Not as an emotional process but as a conscious decision. Not one bit of bringing this up again. A clean slate.

 

Never try to defend yourself, never try to influence his opinion. He needs to come to that point himself, solidly, identifying his needs and issues. Otherwise this may show its face from time to time or he may resent you secretly. You deserve much better.

 

If he is unable to, he can tackle those issues in therapy. If you prefer couples therapy, he can discover why he is drifting from his friends group. For instance, why doesn't he feel happy because he got the wonderful girl (thanks to his own actions)? Is he feeling kind of inferior and why? How can you support him in this? But first, he has to own the problem and make a conscious decision that he will not let this affect what could be a fairytale relationship.

 

And you do some soul searching and voice and work on the effects this behaviour has on you. That is equally important and needs attention.

 

Also, stop try to analyzing why he does what. He needs to find that out and tell you openly - through therapy or soul-searching.

 

Therapy can sort this out or the relationship will be over. In either way, you won't be wasting your years blamed with something you are not guilty for.

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It was his idea to move in and he's always talking about the future... he seems really excited to move in and has started picking out furniture he likes, hes being really involved in the house buying process. I'm quite a closed person so it would always be him that brings up the future ect - I dont feel like I'm pushing anything onto him for him to want to slow things down at all, quite the opposite really. What you say is interesting though..perhaps he is wanting to advance the relationship in hope it will take his mind of his worries and in some way validate the relationship?

 

You need to put the brakes on that until he gets this sorted because it wont just go away and you will be made to hear about it often.

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Another voice for you need to slam on the brakes hard here. He is denigrating you for absolutely no reason and has no leg to stand on. Unfortunately, because you believe you can't do better, you are actively choosing to accept this abusive behavior. Please please please stop. Sit him down, tell him flat out that it's not acceptable that he carries on like that. Either he lets it go and never ever brings it up or puts you down again, or you are out.

 

I am sorry, but rushing to buy a house, future talk, etc. That is a tactic to lock you down precisely so that telling him off and walking away becomes nearly impossible for you. You did NOTHING wrong, you have NOTHING to apologize for. He knew the deal and took it, now he is attacking you and your self esteem about that? Sorry, but he is doing it because he wants to, because it gives him control over you in a sick and twisted way and the only way you stop that is by growing a spine, calling him out on it, telling him calmly and firmly no more and walking away if he dares bring it up again. Btw, give it time. He might well stop for the time being, but once you get shackled with a house together......he is liable to open that can again. So pump the brakes and as already said, make certain you have a quick and easy out of this house situation. Honestly, I would urge to keep away from that entirely for a long long time. If you choose to stay, you really need that test of time that he really has quit his bs.

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Let me tell you something...before I met my boyfriend I'd slept with two of his friends and his cousin...yep that sounds horrendous but I'm from a town where most people my age know each other. The cousin bit was the hardest obviously especially since he didn't find out about it until after we had fell in love. It took a while but he came round. He only came round because he loved me so much and trusted me as I was now in a relationship with him. You can't control what happened before you met him and if he loves you & wants to be with you he will get over it & if he doesn't...well unfortunately you won't have much of a relationship x

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I'm more concerned about you thinking it's a good idea to buy a house with someone that you have problems with. In fact you shouldn't buy a house with someone you're not married or lifelong committed to. This is going to get ugly financially as well as emotionally. You've only been dating a year. Why are you in a rush to purchase a house with this guy? It's not going to fix your relationship problems and will probably actually make them much worse.

 

I think it would be wise to reconsider. And why can't you just tell your kids or people you met at a party? Why do your friends or children need to know the details of your sex life??

 

Were you supposed to be clairvoyant and know you would end up dating this guys friend? He's being unreasonable but if he can't move on you're incompatible and should NOT be buying a house together.

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The two biggest red flags here are buying a house with someone who is not your husband or fiance and you thinking that you could not find a better relationship.

 

You are definitely getting yourself locked in to a relationship with someone who called you a slvt and keeps emotionally picking at you for the past.

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This is toxic behaviour, OP.

 

No way in heck I'd be considering moving in with this guy. He is going to continue using this as his "bargaining chip" and it's vile. I would not be able to stay with a man like this. You can do better. If you don't believe that, then he has succeeded in de-valuing you enough to the point that you accept his verbal and emotional abuse.

 

He is very manipulative. Gross

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