How do you trust again after devastating heartbreak?

[Dave jones192]

I am slowly moving on after my long term girlfriend told me she didnt love me anymore. Its been over a year and half, maybe close to 2 years now since it happened and I am meeting new people and feeling better.

 

However I am terrified that someone I meet will do the same. It also happened to a friend of mine recently, who got left by his GF of 10 years. I know you can not predict peoples behaviour but my questions are:

 

Any advice on how to trust again?

 

and any red flags people have noticed in others that might indicate they might not be fully committed?

 

Again I know you can never predict peoples behaviour, but I see so many people in loving long term commited relationships, where they seem to be prepared to go to the ends of the earth for each other. When I am in a long term relationship, I would always discuss what I thought might be leading to a break up before it happens, to rectify the situation. I begged my ex to explain to me what I had to do to change to save the relationship, but she never even gave me the opportunity to change (btw I didnt cheat or do anything that I would consider justifying an immediate break). It was so final and immediate, it has left me with serious fears of it happening again.

[notalady]

So have you gained full understanding what were the issue(s) in your last relationship that caused it to fall apart? Given you said you begged her to give you the opportunity to change, I'm guessing there were ongoing issues that unfortunately were not resolved over the time you were together, so by the time she wanted to break up with you, it was already too late to do anything.

 

Relationships don't just fall apart for no reason and people don't just stop loving each other for no reason. Once you figure out what went wrong (specifically what you did wrong) and how to not have the same problems happen again, I think armed with that knowledge, you will find it easier to trust that your next relationship can and will work.

[lancelot873]

you shouldn't have to change for anyone other than for yourself. meaning if you notice bad habits about yourself, that's the only time when you should try to change yourself or when family keeps pointing out a particular trait that you have that might not be favorable.

 

that being said, figuring out why a break up happens is useless and makes you look desperate. accept that it ended for a good reason, and be happy that she is no longer in your life. know in your heart that there is nothing you can do to change someone's mind unless they realize they need to change on their own.

 

as far as red flags go, that really depends on the circumstances of each relationship as each person is 100% unique from the last person, and from the next person. no two people are 100% alike. there's always something different. so accept that people are different and that not everybody is compatible with everybody on this planet. that's why you see a few happy couples/marriages compared to the rest of the majority who are still dating and looking for something that works.

 

the trust issue will heal with time. you need to restore your sense of trust by hanging out with people who you trust in the first place, meaning family and close friends who you can count on being there always, no matter what.

 

come up with a strategy that is easy to implement when you're feeling down. my go to strategy is go for a quick run outside (or treadmill). keep distracting yourself from the negativity and you will find positivity. but you have to want to be positive again!

[Matt3939]

I'm in the same boat 1 8 year 1 4 year back to back. I'd say unfortunately u just have to try again and go all in. If you don't that might cause problems in the long run. On red flags. All I can say the more experience you have with people the more you will know what to look out for. I know I've missed some oh well I think I've learned from them hopefully. Old saying make 1 mistake oh well 2 it's on you. 3 get your head straight. Good luck

[Edmund Exley]

There are no guarantees, and we all take the same risk in any relationship.

 

Just remember, it may hurt but it doesn't kill you. The heart always heals if we allow it, and we learn to love again.

[moodindigo91]

When you enter any relationship, there's a huge risk that one of you will hurt the other, and it may even be inevitable that the relationship will end at some point, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try. I know your last break up was probably terrible, mine too. But you still had good times, right? There was a time when you were both there for each other, when you both loved each other, a time when you both laughed together, etc. If you are in constant fear of being hurt (which is literally inevitable) then you will never be able to experience the happiness that comes from relationships when they're good. As long as you can start to recognize when it's time to leave if it gets to that point, you can minimize the pain.

 

Pain is necessary. Without pain, there would be no joy.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it's chicken and egg dilemma. By not trusting them you undermine any relationship thereby sabotaging it and creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

All you can do is pick decent people, don't rush in, build trust and communicate well and have faith and hope that you'll find love again. Red flags of course are deceitful or evasive behaviors.

IIts been over a year and half, maybe close to 2 years now since it happened and I am meeting new people and feeling better. Any advice on how to trust again? and any red flags people have noticed in others that might indicate they might not be fully committed?