why do i feel weird about unwanted interest ? and how to react ?

[bumblebeehive]

So this weekend I thought about something . I get sort of angry and disgusted when certain people are interested in me. For instance a few years ago. A guy I met through a friend thought I liked him (because some other girl who i had just met told him she thought I was into him. Because she saw or interaction which involved HIM coming up to me ) .well maybe I would not have minded that much if it wasn't for what he did upon learning that misinformation. Before I found out that she told him that we all went out together. I noticed the guy would not leave my side .And at one point thought it'd be attractive to rub his junk against me. I said I did not feel well and had to leave. He offered to walk me home .No, I snapped. I practically ran home. I found out the next day that he thought I was into him because that idiot girl told him. I started being very rude to him after that when I had to interact. Eventually we went back to being friends but I was very distant .Then I stopped responding to him altogether because I felt he still was interested . I was not remotely attracted. He was nice and we had got along but the thought of being with him disgusts me to be perfectly frank. I was actually insulted the girl would think I'd even be interested.

(The odd thing was that I saw the girl more after that and met her husband's friend who was really hot .I went out with him twice. she told me I better not hurt the friend .)

Anyways. Last night I went out with a group of people and there was one guy there I was a little too friendly to the first time I met him. I had a lot to drink so I was way more sociable. But once I sobered up I realized that i think I have him the wrong impression and I found him really unattractive in various ways. For instance he is overweight he chose Halloween costumes where he revealed his chest, and he kept running his hands through his hair as if he were Fabio. But he was far from it . IIt was almost like he thought he was really handsome with a good body .And he was a know it all and just a weird person. He also kept taking food with his hands while everyone else used utencils and a plate . Anyways . I know I'm shallow . But I found myself getting really repulsed by him too .I kept thinking about how gross he was and trying to avoid him. And he kept attempting to be all gentlemanly . Since I thought he was interested I rebuffed these attempts. Anyways I just dint understand how to react when someone I don't like is into me .It like irrationally creeps me out . I literally feel uncomfortable and almost angry

 

But why is that. ?

 

Maybe it is a sign I need to improve my self. ? I mean maybe I'm attracting these guys because they are in my "league" and the guys I do like are out of my league. I can accept that and try to make a change . Because if a guy I actually did like did all these gestures i would not feel weird .Id feel butterflies. I want to attract more of those guys so I need to work on being appealable . Maybe I am simply unattractive and ugly. (And maybe that is why I get irrationally angry ..because I interpret it as meaning I'm like them ).

 

But as to the disgust and feeling mad and angry about it (which leads me to being disrespectful to the guys) I feel like that is a separate issue. It's not the first time in my life I felt weird about male attention. I took ice skating class as a young child .The instructor was a male. I felt extremely uncomfortable and would not allow him to touch me. (Instructors sometimes had to , innocently) . I also had a male doctor . I felt similarly uncomfortable around him. I became like a mute around him. So I always thought that was a strange, extreme reaction . Could that be related too ?

 

Ps . I hope I don't come off too shallow and awful. I am realizing this is a problem and that's why I'm asking this serious question.

[Wiseman2]

If someone is not your type nothing wrong with passing on it.

 

However I don't understand why you didn't jump on this one? instance he is overweight he chose Halloween costumes where he revealed his chest, and he kept running his hands through his hair as if he were Fabio.

[bumblebeehive]

If someone is not your type nothing wrong with passing on it.

 

However I don't understand why you didn't jump on this one?

 

Lol .You are funny .

 

I guess I was concerned about my reaction being over the top . Like to feel disgusted. Is that normal ?

[Ms Darcy]

Maybe it is a sign I need to improve my self. ? I mean maybe I'm attracting these guys because they are in my "league" and the guys I do like are out of my league. I can accept that and try to make a change . Because if a guy I actually did like did all these gestures i would not feel weird .Id feel butterflies. I want to attract more of those guys so I need to work on being appealable . Maybe I am simply unattractive and ugly.

 

Well, none of us know what you look like. But you just need to be honest with yourself and identify if you and these guys are in the same "league" as you say. If you think so, and think there are areas you might like to improve upon, then improve upon them.

 

It just sounds like you are insulted when someone you find unattractive makes a move.

[Wiseman2]

Yes this. Agree 100 %. It's important to realize that no matter how repulsive someone is, they have feelings too, so just decline politely even if your first instinct is to run to the rest room and puke. Unless they are acting creepy or lecherous or persistent, then just pass.

It just sounds like you are insulted when someone you find unattractive makes a move.

[Sportster2005]

The good news is you are insightful and realize you need some improvement. The bad news is you completely lack empathy. That's not surprising as you freely admit to being shallow, which goes hand in hand with lack of empathy. So those are some things you may consider improving.

 

How you do that is outside of my experience. I don't think it would hurt to talk to a pro if you can afford it. Good luck, hope you can turn things around.

[bumblebeehive]

The good news is you are insightful and realize you need some improvement. The bad news is you completely lack empathy. That's not surprising as you freely admit to being shallow, which goes hand in hand with lack of empathy. So those are some things you may consider improving.

 

How you do that is outside of my experience. I don't think it would hurt to talk to a pro if you can afford it. Good luck, hope you can turn things around.

 

thanks

 

i feel like i was like molested as a child and i blocked out the memory. i just don't understand this... nobody commented on the parts where i said i would get weirded out as a child around males.

[Capricorn3]

i feel like i was like molested as a child and i blocked out the memory..

What makes you think that? By whom? A family member? Stranger? Can you elaborate?

[bumblebeehive]

What makes you think that? By whom? A family member? Stranger? Can you elaborate?

 

i was basically saying that it does not seem normal for someone to react in this way, so i was just saying what if there is the (hypothetical) chance that there is some suppressed memory that i basically have blocked out due to the painfulness. Unless it IS normal? i have no memory of anything happening but i always felt this way... when i was a child i thought men had lecherous motives

 

i mean i can understand why i am repulsed in CERTAIN situations. like when that guy decided to RUB HIS CROTCH on me when he thought (incorrectly) that I was interested in him. I was thinking, "THAT'S what he does with that information? he thinks it's appropriate to rub up against me and get in my face?" It just made me so mad i practically ran home.

 

i also think the other guy who runs his fingers through his hair excessively turns me off because i really like humble people, and he seems really full of himself and he thinks he's the s#$t when he isn't i think that is why that person bothers me.

 

anyways i guess i am just thinking out loud.

[Capricorn3]

i mean i can understand why i am repulsed in CERTAIN situations. like when that guy decided to RUB HIS CROTCH on me when he thought (incorrectly) that I was interested in him. he thinks it's appropriate to rub up against me and get in my face?" It just made me so mad i practically ran home.

 

i also think the other guy who runs his fingers through his hair excessively turns me off and he seems really full of himself and he thinks he's the s#$t when he isn't

Maybe I'm wrong, but I am sure there are a LOT of woman who would be turned off by the above. I know I would.

[notalady]

Maybe I'm wrong, but I am sure there are a LOT of woman who would be turned off by the above. I know I would.

 

Yea me too.

 

I think the issue, if I understand correctly, is where the guy didn't do anything inappropriate, is just unattractive to the OP, that OP find them repulsive and feel offended that they dared to be interested in her. I believe it could be described as contempt.

 

To that I say, you just need to realise that you're a judgmental and unkind person. Maybe not to everyone, but certainly to people whom you deem to be lesser than you. Certainly I felt bad for the guy at Halloween, sounds like he didn't do anything to you and yet you speak with such contempt about him. The way you described him, I could visualise him as a not very attractive guy but trying very hard to be confident, be comfortable with his body, and to have a chance at meeting a woman who just might like him. Maybe going over the top a bit, but certainly nothing sinister. Sure you can find him unattractive and not be interested, but you have no right to judge him the way you did.

 

So I think you need to start practicing kind thoughts. Every time you have a judgemental, unkind thought, stop that thought and replace with a kind thought about the exact same thing / person you were judging.

 

I'm admittedly pretty judgemental and compassion is an area that I recognise that I'm lacking. So I've been practicing kindness and stopping judgemental thoughts over time, and I think I'm certainly getting better at it.

 

It just takes time and willingness to change.

[notalady]

Forgot to mention the other stuff about male doctor and male instructor etc, I believe a lot of women are uncomfortable with close contact with unfamiliar male (ie not family, partner or close friends), that's why people usually ask you if you prefer a female doctor or female personal trainer and the like. I don't think that's too abnormal?

[bumblebeehive]

Yea me too.

 

I think the issue, if I understand correctly, is where the guy didn't do anything inappropriate, is just unattractive to the OP, that OP find them repulsive and feel offended that they dared to be interested in her. I believe it could be described as contempt.

 

To that I say, you just need to realise that you're a judgmental and unkind person. Maybe not to everyone, but certainly to people whom you deem to be lesser than you. Certainly I felt bad for the guy at Halloween, sounds like he didn't do anything to you and yet you speak with such contempt about him. The way you described him, I could visualise him as a not very attractive guy but trying very hard to be confident, be comfortable with his body, and to have a chance at meeting a woman who just might like him. Maybe going over the top a bit, but certainly nothing sinister. Sure you can find him unattractive and not be interested, but you have no right to judge him the way you did.

 

So I think you need to start practicing kind thoughts. Every time you have a judgemental, unkind thought, stop that thought and replace with a kind thought about the exact same thing / person you were judging.

 

I'm admittedly pretty judgemental and compassion is an area that I recognise that I'm lacking. So I've been practicing kindness and stopping judgemental thoughts over time, and I think I'm certainly getting better at it.

 

It just takes time and willingness to change.

 

thank you.

i thought about this and i feel like it's part of my defense mechanism. So like the guy at halloween, if i did not have a VIBE from him that he liked me, i would NOT have had any contempt for him. I feel like, if this makes sense, i have to put up a defense and "separate" from the person so to speak because i don't want to be too friendly to them and get in a situation where i am vulnerable and i get cornered. obviously that is very irrational. if it was not for the fact that i got a vibe that he was interested, i probably would not have noticed the little things like him grabbing at the food with his hands ...for all i know other people did the same thing and i didn't realize.

 

I just remember i had a male friend in a different state. he was JUST friends. and i was going to go visit his city and stay at his place. less than a week before my trip he started "joking" or something about how he was going to get me these panties. I felt uncomfortable but i went through with the trip anyways because i told myself it was a harmless joke (it probably was, i just didn't think so. i normally didn't joke around like that with him, or really ANYbody unless it was a significant other). then during the trip i can't remember exactly but on the first night he offered for me to sleep with him in his bed (instead of the couch) i said no I felt SO uncomfortable after that, that the trip was terrible because i could not get comfortable. I thought he was going to come on to me. I felt extremely vulnerable and like i was trapped there. I was a terrible guest because he thought I was in a bad mood the whole time. I know, rationally, that he wouldn't do anything but my more primal feelings told me to not get too comfortable.

 

not sure if that makes sense. but yes, i agree the way to talked about guy was very unkind. if i liked someone and they said such things about me, i'd be very hurt (if I found out). but perhaps it's my attempt to preempt an attempt to ask me out or something - if i show my disinterest, there's no way he'll ask me out, so i don't have to deal with awkwardly rejecting the person, he'll just go away. not saying that is RIGHT but again i am just thinking.

[bumblebeehive]

you just need to realise that you're a judgmental and unkind person. Maybe not to everyone, but certainly to people whom you deem to be lesser than you.

 

I just want to add that this overgeneralizes what i said. I am going a little bit on the defensive here yeah but i just want to clarify. I don't feel this way about EVERYONE and i don't really consider them "lesser" than me. I am simply talking about someone I do not find attractive and don't see myself ever finding attractive, who DOES or says something to indicate they might like me or be interested in me sexually. in all of the examples i provided, that's the case.

 

basically it is this:

 

 

lol.. i sometimes am very friendly to people and it is confused for interest...i think

[notalady]

 

I just remember i had a male friend in a different state. he was JUST friends. and i was going to go visit his city and stay at his place. less than a week before my trip he started "joking" or something about how he was going to get me these panties. I felt uncomfortable but i went through with the trip anyways because i told myself it was a harmless joke (it probably was, i just didn't think so. i normally didn't joke around like that with him, or really ANYbody unless it was a significant other). then during the trip i can't remember exactly but on the first night he offered for me to sleep with him in his bed (instead of the couch) i said no I felt SO uncomfortable after that, that the trip was terrible because i could not get comfortable. I thought he was going to come on to me. I felt extremely vulnerable and like i was trapped there. I was a terrible guest because he thought I was in a bad mood the whole time. I know, rationally, that he wouldn't do anything but my more primal feelings told me to not get too comfortable.

 

 

I don't think this is a similar situation at all. If anyone say this to me, I would've cancelled the stay at their place. If they invite me to sleep in their bed with them, alarm bells would be going off. I would most certainly be moving out if I was staying there.

 

It's not rational at all that he wouldn't do anything, you don't know if he would. It would be rational to not put yourself at risk by sharing a place of sleep with a guy who expressed interest in having sex with you, directly or indirectly, unless you were interested in having sex with him.

 

In my view you didn't do enough in this case to protect yourself.

[bumblebeehive]

I don't think this is a similar situation at all. If anyone say this to me, I would've cancelled the stay at their place. If they invite me to sleep in their bed with them, alarm bells would be going off. I would most certainly be moving out if I was staying there.

 

It's not rational at all that he wouldn't do anything, you don't know if he would. It would be rational to not put yourself at risk by sharing a place of sleep with a guy who expressed interest in having sex with you, unless you were interested in having sex with him.

 

In my view you didn't do enough in this case to protect yourself.

 

oops! well good thing nothing happened. i actually did not have the money at the time i get a hotel or new plane ticket. i felt like i was overreacting. funny thing is that if i was INTO the guy, i would not have minded

[notalady]

I just want to add that this overgeneralizes what i said. I am going a little bit on the defensive here yeah but i just want to clarify. I don't feel this way about EVERYONE and i don't really consider them "lesser" than me. I am simply talking about someone I do not find attractive and don't see myself ever finding attractive, who DOES or says something to indicate they might like me or be interested in me sexually. in all of the examples i provided, that's the case.

 

basically it is this:

 

 

lol.. i sometimes am very friendly to people and it is confused for interest...i think

 

Perhaps you have a hard time balancing friendliness with maintaining strong boundaries, without it crossing over into hostility and self defence mode unnecessarily.

[bumblebeehive]

Perhaps you have a hard time balancing friendliness with maintaining strong boundaries, without it crossing over into hostility and self defence mode unnecessarily.

 

yes, .....i have had issues with Boundaries in other situations....i need to work on BOUNDARIES...thank you... i did not even think about that!i feel like this discussion really helped me!

[notalady]

yes, .....i have had issues with Boundaries in other situations....i need to work on BOUNDARIES...thank you... i did not even think about that!i feel like this discussion really helped me!

 

Yes I often found people with poor boundaries let things slip when they should've said or done something to stand up for or protect themselves when appropriate, while overreact in other situations when the reaction is not warranted. It's like their detection system is off about when it's appropriate to react and how to react. I don't know if that's you.

[Batya33]

Perhaps you have a hard time balancing friendliness with maintaining strong boundaries, without it crossing over into hostility and self defence mode unnecessarily.

 

Yes this, plus the lack of empathy/tendency to judge based on appearance and also sounds like you're meeting a lot of these people in bar situations where you might be drinking too so that increases the risk of unwanted attention including physically.

 

I first met my future husband 22 years ago today -nothing to do with Halloween. He was new at our company and there was a breakfast in a huge conference room to meet the new people. He didn't know any of the other new people because he didn't intern with any of them. So I crossed the room and introduced myself -I'd been working there 6 whole weeks and felt sorry for him. I did not find him attractive at that point (and I wasn't thinking in those terms -this was at work and anyway I had a boyfriend). The chemistry, attraction, love, passion, friendship -all that came much much later after a false start in the late 1990s. I think one reason it didn't work in the 90s was I was probably too judgey about whether he was "nerdy" and he was more into me than I was to him. I do not regret passing up the opportunity for happily ever after back then because it wouldn't have been. On the other hand I look back at my late 20s self and shake my head at how what I found attractive had a bit too much to do with trivial/frivolous/inconsequential things.

 

He is slightly overweight now - definitely not "hot" by social media standards (neither am I!!) - and 100% it matters totally that I am attracted to him and have chemistry with him -it's not just the inside that counts in romantic relationships. Just be careful that your hostility/degree of shallowness/tendency to think about leagues too much might make you get in your own way.

 

(Oh and I'll add -my 7 year old is REALLY cute/handsome and the girls are already starting to crush on him a bit -so cute - and I take great pains not to focus on his looks in front of him -I tell him he is funny, thoughtful, smart, kind -and yes, I do say "cute" but despite looks mattering in romantic relationships I'd take a hard look at yourself and why it matters to you to the extent it seems to.

[Sportster2005]

thanks

 

i feel like i was like molested as a child and i blocked out the memory. i just don't understand this... nobody commented on the parts where i said i would get weirded out as a child around males.

If you really believe this may have happened I strongly urge you to seek professional help.

[Wiseman2]

Try not to invent issues that are not there to explain normal things like someone coming on to you and being turned off or if they are acting creepy and being repulsed.

 

If guys are trying to pick you up with come on lines, this may be a time when a white lie is ok such as "Sorry, I'm seeing someone", then disengage. The key is to determine your own actions and not be too drunk or sleep over guys' places when sexual innuendos are being made.

 

All it takes is normal boundaries. For example a random guy in a bar/club shouldn't even be close enough to "rub his crotch on you". Also try to meet a better class of people through better alternatives.

i have no memory of anything happening but i always felt this way... when i was a child i thought men had lecherous motives

[Ms Darcy]

Try not to invent issues that are not there to explain normal things like someone coming on to you and being turned off or if they are acting creepy and being repulsed.

 

All it takes is normal boundaries. For example a random guy in a bar/club shouldn't even be close enough to "rub his crotch on you". Also try to meet a better class of people through better alternatives.

 

I agree. Take care not to create an issue that may not be there. And set boundaries for yourself and for the people who interact with you. Agency over your person is your right. You can be firm about that. Trust your gut when you start to feel your boundaries being violated.