What do I do?

[Contact100]

I broke up with my boyfriend whom I was best friends with for four years and in a relationship with for 10 months. Everything was going great except the last month of our relationship he grew distant. For the past four years we had a friendship in which he would do the same. He would treat me wonderfully but then change and we would lose communication for a month or two and hen he'd come back saying he'd miss me. Same thing happened while we were dating. He treated me wonderfully for nine months. I was happy with him and I loved him. Of course we had our ups and downs but we came out stronger... or at least that's what I thought.

 

The last month it happened again. I could feel things slipping away. He felt distant. He didn't seem to care anymore. He seemed as if he didn't want to speak as much. He didn't really seem excited to see me as much either. I would have to find a way to maintain communication and I would find myself waiting for an "I love you." I didn't feel prioritized.

 

We got into an argument about it and he claimed that everything was fine. That he still loved me. I had an important event I wanted him to attend but he couldn't attend. I understood he couldn't attend the entire event but I was also aware he could attend at least a short amount of it. I ended it that day in an effort to make him realize that things weren't okay anymore. That I wasn't okay with how things were going. It seemed as though he didn't want it to end either. I know it wasn't justified of me to do so but something felt off. It wasn't that he couldn't make it. It was the fact hat he hadn't even made an effort to think of a way to show up. And it was also that I don't remember anymore if he said I love you through any of the argument. It use felt very different.

 

I won't deny that it was on impulsive. That I regretted it immediately and that same night I called him to make up with him. He said everything was okay, that we were fine. Yet the next days that came were terrible.

 

For example, we watched a movie the next day but he felt even more distant. All the other things that had occurred earlier that month could not be compared with what was going on. I knew he was hurt since after all I had ended it the night before but we had spoken and everything had already been cleared out but I guess it hadn't.

 

The week that followed went just as bad. It exaclated. I tried my best not to bring up that it bothered me he would not be able to show up at the event. We had tiny arguments. We would find a way to fix it. The last three days went "okay," things seemed normal. I was grateful for it.

 

However, it came the night of the event. It was important to me. I knew it would only occur once for me. To be candid, I swear I thought I would be fine. He asked me to send him pictures of the night. Yet once I was ready and I stared at myself in the mirror I realized I had nobody to impress that day. I guess that's when it hit me how important it was for me that he would be there that night or to at least know that he would try to make it. It as as if this had accidentally been a test in which he would show me if I was still a priority.

 

I shook off the feeling immediately. I attended alone but once there the same feeling took hold of me. Everybody had somebody there whether it be a friend or a date but I was pretty much alone. Don't get me wrong, I tried to interact with acquaintances to rid myself of the thought but at one point it was too much. I left early.

 

I did not understand why he hadn't made an effort to show up. Why he hadn't made a plan to make sure he attended at least part of it. Why he hadn't at least made up a lie to make me believe he had made an effort to be there. I didn't understand why the month had gone the way it had either.

 

That same night I ended it. I was devastated. Five years by his side whether it be as a friend or as his girlfriend but no matter what I always tried to be there. To show him I cared. That I loved him. Yet one night where I knew he could have gone. Maybe not the entire night but at least a few minutes (literally it was all I asked of him at one point) and he didn't show up. Not even a hint of effort.

 

It ended that night. He hung out with his friends right after. I didn't handle it well. The next morning, hurt and well not at all in my five senses I texted him. It didn't go well. I didn't want to lose him because I still loved him and honestly still do. I tried to talk to him. To find a way to see a silverlining, one of which we could grasp onto still. However I guess there was none. He felt hurt that I had ended it once again. My reasons were unjustified to him. He only saw the night of the event not the previous incidents and when I explained it he said he had a lot on his plate and that I had really hurt him. He told me I would continue to be impulsive. I told him I was sorry for it. It came to the point where he told me it was time I move on. I cut communication the day he told me that.

 

It has been a little over a month now since we definitely ended our relationship. He hasn't tried contacting me what so ever, neither have I. I figured I should give some him some space. I've heard it takes guys at least six months to realize they miss somebody, but my question here is. Aware of most that has happened. I need to be brought out of my doubt. Was it my fault? If so should I fix it? And how?

 

And if not should I wait for him? Or is it time to move on? And how?

[Andrina]

You've seen the same pattern for 5 years, so is it really likely he will all of a sudden make you a priority and not run hot and cold, depending on his mood? It sounds like you've made the majority of the effort in the relationship and it's been easier for him to go along for the ride than be brave enough to make a final break with you.

 

He's just not that into you. As friends, he didn't bother contacting you for several months at a time, and I bet you were the one to reach out first. He regularly grows distant in a relationship that is less than a year old. Why was there no one else to attend your special event? Have you made him the sole center of your life in the past 5 years? If so, I'm sure that was smothering to him. I don't know your situation, but if you don't have hobbies/interests you engage in without your bf present, and if you don't have girlfriends you regularly hang out with, you need to add those things to your life for the sake of your own emotional health. You can survive breakups better when you have a fulfilling life besides a guy, and you will be a more interesting person to him when you have stories of your life to tell him.

 

Stay no contact for closure. He obviously doesn't want you in his life, and even if he contacts you in the future, he's not "the one." Hold out for a guy who makes you a priority and and makes you feel special, consistently. Don't answer the phone. Your willpower might give in to him. You already made an effort and it didn't work. You know what you do and don't want in a relationship, so you will be able to choose more wisely in the future. Take care.

[ParisPaulette]

What Adrina said. A pattern of five years with him denying it, having zero incentives to change it since you're just there whenever he feels like picking things back up, and being old enough now you can't say this is him "being young" or "never been in a relationship before" (common excuses for bad behavior) should pretty much tell you this is who he is with you.

 

And who he always will be.

 

I've had that type of relationship for six years. It is soul crushing and damages your self-esteem and confidence in your own perceptions. Yes, tell him you're done, block and delete him, move on. Don't let him come back no matter how much he promises you he'll change. He's had five years to change and knows it hurts you and yet he's done nothing.

 

My ex was like that and it went on for six before I walked away for good. He still periodically tries to reach me through new means to promise this time will be different. I cry bullship and just keep moving forward with the great guy I married who does not blow hot and cold.

 

There's something major to be said about consistency in thought and action, so when you're ready to climb down off the crazy-making train he's got you on you're going to have to cut ties altogether. Plus you need to admit he was never a very good friend, because he did the exact same things then. It's who he is. He's not going to change, so you will have to be the one who does so. And that usually means you stop enabling their bad behaviors by sticking around.

 

I'm sorry, but don't waste any more time. I wasted six years I could have been doing so many other amazing things and I won't ever get that time back, so you may want to stop letting him siphon off your best years and get going towards finding people who don't pull that kind of crap.

 

P.S. Sure he'll contact you again probably when whatever or whoever else he had his eye on doesn't work out. But would you really take him back for yet one more go around of hot and cold whenever it suits him? You do know even if he contacts you nothing will have changed, right? He'll make a bunch of promises he has no intentions of keeping and as soon as he's bored or sees someone else he thinks he might have a shot with you will again be dumped. But he knows not to openly do that, because he needs you as backup just in case. I'm sorry, you are going to have to decide for yourself not to ever let him come back again. And no, you were not crazy or too harsh at all. You should have dumped him as a friend long ago, not thought being a girlfriend would somehow change how he treats you.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately disappearing for months at a time was never a good sign whether in the friendship or dating. It also sounds like you were much more invested than he was.

 

Trying to force him to go to this thing through repeated breakups backfired and didn't work, so at least for your next relationship, you'll know better than to manipulate and try to force people with breakup threats. Relationships are not all about you.

 

Why couldn't your friends or family attend since he told you he couldn't make it? It would be best to go no contact and block him. You hurt him with your coercive breakup talks and now he sees that side of you. That you'll toss him like a hot rock if you don't get your way.

He would treat me wonderfully but then change and we would lose communication for a month or two and hen he'd come back saying he'd miss me.I had an important event I wanted him to attend but he couldn't attend. I ended it that day in an effort to make him realize that things weren't okay anymore. He felt hurt that I had ended it once again. My reasons were unjustified to him. He only saw the night of the event not the previous incidents and when I explained it he said he had a lot on his plate and that I had really hurt him.

[Contact100]

Thank you for the advice. I really appreciate it. However do not get me wrong but I'm not recluse whatsoever. I have a life in which I have friends but for that event i could only bring one other person. It was a gala so you may see why I acted him there. I actually have a very busy schedule. Busier than his to say the least with more responsibilites and I'm very proud of what I have accomplished in my short life. But one thing I'm not proud of is him.

 

You guys are right though. I made him a priority and I made time for him. Time that I could have invested in more important things. It was a stupid mistake, but seriously thank you. Your words did bring me aid that I desperately needed. I need to let go for good.

 

Thank you.

 

You've seen the same pattern for 5 years, so is it really likely he will all of a sudden make you a priority and not run hot and cold, depending on his mood? It sounds like you've made the majority of the effort in the relationship and it's been easier for him to go along for the ride than be brave enough to make a final break with you.

 

He's just not that into you. As friends, he didn't bother contacting you for several months at a time, and I bet you were the one to reach out first. He regularly grows distant in a relationship that is less than a year old. Why was there no one else to attend your special event? Have you made him the sole center of your life in the past 5 years? If so, I'm sure that was smothering to him. I don't know your situation, but if you don't have hobbies/interests you engage in without your bf present, and if you don't have girlfriends you regularly hang out with, you need to add those things to your life for the sake of your own emotional health. You can survive breakups better when you have a fulfilling life besides a guy, and you will be a more interesting person to him when you have stories of your life to tell him.

 

Stay no contact for closure. He obviously doesn't want you in his life, and even if he contacts you in the future, he's not "the one." Hold out for a guy who makes you a priority and and makes you feel special, consistently. Don't answer the phone. Your willpower might give in to him. You already made an effort and it didn't work. You know what you do and don't want in a relationship, so you will be able to choose more wisely in the future. Take care.

[Contact100]

What Adrina said. A pattern of five years with him denying it, having zero incentives to change it since you're just there whenever he feels like picking things back up, and being old enough now you can't say this is him "being young" or "never been in a relationship before" (common excuses for bad behavior) should pretty much tell you this is who he is with you.

 

And who he always will be.

 

I've had that type of relationship for six years. It is soul crushing and damages your self-esteem and confidence in your own perceptions. Yes, tell him you're done, block and delete him, move on. Don't let him come back no matter how much he promises you he'll change. He's had five years to change and knows it hurts you and yet he's done nothing.

 

My ex was like that and it went on for six before I walked away for good. He still periodically tries to reach me through new means to promise this time will be different. I cry bullship and just keep moving forward with the great guy I married who does not blow hot and cold.

 

There's something major to be said about consistency in thought and action, so when you're ready to climb down off the crazy-making train he's got you on you're going to have to cut ties altogether. Plus you need to admit he was never a very good friend, because he did the exact same things then. It's who he is. He's not going to change, so you will have to be the one who does so. And that usually means you stop enabling their bad behaviors by sticking around.

 

I'm sorry, but don't waste any more time. I wasted six years I could have been doing so many other amazing things and I won't ever get that time back, so you may want to stop letting him siphon off your best years and get going towards finding people who don't pull that kind of crap.

 

P.S. Sure he'll contact you again probably when whatever or whoever else he had his eye on doesn't work out. But would you really take him back for yet one more go around of hot and cold whenever it suits him? You do know even if he contacts you nothing will have changed, right? He'll make a bunch of promises he has no intentions of keeping and as soon as he's bored or sees someone else he thinks he might have a shot with you will again be dumped. But he knows not to openly do that, because he needs you as backup just in case. I'm sorry, you are going to have to decide for yourself not to ever let him come back again. And no, you were not crazy or too harsh at all. You should have dumped him as a friend long ago, not thought being a girlfriend would somehow change how he treats you.

 

Thank you for your kind words. I really needed them. All of you are right. It's time to move on. It was a stupid mistake of me to think things would change. I'm grateful for this and I'm glad that you're happy with somebody who truly values you.

 

Thank you.

[Contact100]

Unfortunately disappearing for months at a time was never a good sign whether in the friendship or dating. It also sounds like you were much more invested than he was.

 

Trying to force him to go to this thing through repeated breakups backfired and didn't work, so at least for your next relationship, you'll know better than to manipulate and try to force people with breakup threats. Relationships are not all about you.

 

Why couldn't your friends or family attend since he told you he couldn't make it? It would be best to go no contact and block him. You hurt him with your coercive breakup talks and now he sees that side of you. That you'll toss him like a hot rock if you don't get your way.

 

As for you sir. I am impulsive but believe me when I say this. This was the first time in five years where I had taken the courage to walk away. I can cope with a lot and I can allow the people whom I love to do as they please for as long as they want because I care about them. So when I have enough and I do something like what I did its not because I'm only impulsive and selfish. It's because I just can't deal with it anymore.

 

It was a gala. I had gotten the honor to be invited to this very important event. I only had two entrees. Maybe you might see why it was important for me that he would make some effort to be there. As I receive different advice from different people I realize now that my mistake wasn't "dropping him" but rather contacting him again after i ended it. However four years of friendship and a few months of dating somebody that you care about is difficult to cope with.

 

I'm not selfish. I gave my all. And I know he's aware of it. Time, love, effort and support into somebody who couldn't give me only a few minutes of his time. It just hurts tremendously that even after everything it wasn't enough.

 

Hurt him? This one time? Psh. Yeah but trust me I couldnt handle another goodbye from him this time. If anything I get to say that I ended it this time even if in a way I didn't really get to do so.

 

Yet you are right about a few things. I was more invested in it. And you are right that I may have hurt him but not because it hurt him or because he would miss me. But because I hurt his ego. Maybe he'll miss me. Maybe he won't. Maybe he'll come back like he always does after he leaves.

 

Unfortunately I don't think that this time I'll be there. I have have to block him from my life. That's true too. Thank you though because I never saw it as manipulation until now. I shouldn't have to manipulate somebody who cares about me. It should just come naturally. Thank you.