depressed26 Posted October 30, 2016 Share Posted October 30, 2016 Sorry, Im just new here and I dont really know how this works but I’m really lost so i hope some of you can help me. Here’s my story: I have a boyfriend of two years. On our first year, we were together working away from our homes. We lived together by ourselves on the first month, 2nd to 6th month we had separate apartments and from 6th til our 14th month, we lived together again with another friend. Til one day my father got sick and I needed to go home. We had an LDR for a year til June 2016, his father died. He had a complicated relationship with his father. They fought a lot and never patched up until his last week at the hospital. Although we were fighting a lot, i went to the funeral and spent the 4 days with him. He even introduced me to his whole clan. Until 2 weeks after the funeral, we had a small fight and he never talked to me for 10 days. I initiated contact and he said he doesnt love me anymore. I left him alone for 1 month then again initiated contact and got the same answer. He really doesn’t love me anymore and doesn’t see me in his future. Again after two months, i initiated contact again and still got the same answer however he kept on blaming me that I never made him happy during our relationship, that he was happier before he met me, he got sick and tired of me always complaining and whining ( complaining about my family, finances & work cause my life is somehow stressful at the time i was with him) and that i choose to sleep rather than talk to him when we fight about little things. He blamed me for everything and said it’s too late for me. and the last thing he said was “please have some respect, I haven’t forgiven myself because of my father, don’t bother me”…. I know he’s still grieving and depressed but all that he said affected me so much and made me question whether what we had was real and even makes me hate myself. I may have took him for granted but I loved him with my all. I really dont want to lose him but it seems he shut me out of his life. Please help me. I pray night and day but i get so frustrated and depressed too. I want to comfort him and be there for him but he’s shutting me out. Please anybody, I don't really know what to do at this point. I have thought about our relationship and everything i did and i may have hurt him but unintentionally cause of how i deal with things. I love him so much. Is there anything I can do to make it up to him? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brutal555 Posted October 30, 2016 Share Posted October 30, 2016 The best thing you can do now is give him his desired space and time. Don't start blaming yourself, instead be gentle with yourself right now. He needs time to cope with things that are bothering him right now. He might text or call when things settle Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
depressed26 Posted October 30, 2016 Author Share Posted October 30, 2016 Thanks brutal555. so all i need to do is just wait? I want to be patient but i get anxious that he starts to be at ease that he'll forget about me. Plus all he remembers is that I was the "bad guy". I really love this guy so much and i dont want to lose him but i feel im doing things wrong. it's driving me crazy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brutal555 Posted October 30, 2016 Share Posted October 30, 2016 Thanks brutal555. so all i need to do is just wait? I want to be patient but i get anxious that he starts to be at ease that he'll forget about me. Plus all he remembers is that I was the "bad guy". I really love this guy so much and i dont want to lose him but i feel im doing things wrong. it's driving me crazy. Don't worry. There's no way he's going to quickly forget about you. Just let him be for now. AFter a while he'll probably start wondering about you and will maybe start reconsidering his decision. And If he doesn't It's not the end of the world. You focus on yourself now Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
depressed26 Posted October 30, 2016 Author Share Posted October 30, 2016 thank you so much brutal555. will keep that in mind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melancholy123 Posted October 30, 2016 Share Posted October 30, 2016 Leave him alone for now as that is what he wants you to do. If you keep contacting him you will push him further away than he already is. Grief is a difficult process for everyone and we all react differently to it. He really needs time and space to sort himself out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted October 30, 2016 Share Posted October 30, 2016 Unfortunately this event brought out other problems. It sounds like things have been strained with long distance and other issues, fighting a lot etc. Agree you should respect his wishes and leave him alone. Stop contacting him and block him.Pestering him won't bring him back. What were all the fights about?Although we were fighting a lot, i went to the funeral and spent the 4 days with him. I initiated contact and he said he doesnt love me anymore. I left him alone for 1 month then again initiated contact and got the same answer. He really doesn’t love me anymore and doesn’t see me in his future. Again after two months, i initiated contact again and still got the same answer the last thing he said was “please have some respect, I haven’t forgiven myself because of my father, don’t bother me”…. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
depressed26 Posted October 31, 2016 Author Share Posted October 31, 2016 Thank you melancholy. but is there a chance that we'll be okay? i really miss him & i really dont want to lose him. the last thing i said to him was whatever happens ill be here and ill always loved him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
depressed26 Posted October 31, 2016 Author Share Posted October 31, 2016 We didnt actually have big fights. immature fights like wrong tone. when we usually fight, i prefer to sleep on it than to talk it over because when im mad i tend to say bad things. but he likes to talk about it before going to sleep. he also doesnt like me being whiny & complaining though i rarely complain about him, i usually complain about my problems (family, work, finances). we had big issues, him wanting to raise a family in his hometown, him being atheist (im a Christian), but we worked through them and i accepted him and compromised. all i could remember is that the things he blames me for: he was happier before he met me, i didnt treat him the way he deserved, i was so negative & whiny. i dont get everything though. i may not be perfect but i love him so much and if ever there were lapses on my part, im willing to work through all of them just to make him happy but he just wants me out of his life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kelmar Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 My friend went through something very similar with her boyfriend. She moved back home to a small town after college and was immediately smitten by this guy. He'd just gotten out of a pretty ugly relationship where the girl cheated on him with his best friend in his bed. His father was good friends with my friends mother, and from the moment they met there was insane chemistry. They quickly got together, but he was still a little raw from his previous ex, so they fought a little bit. He would push her away a little and she would chase him and for awhile it worked. Then his dad died. He had also had a very strained relationship with his father, he'd only really been in his life for the past few months and they were just beginning to patch things up when he had a massive heart attack and died quite suddenly. My friend was devastated for him and tried her best to be a supportive girlfriend, but he REALLY pushed her away and ended things with her shortly after his father died. She chased him at first and then she backed off completely. Blocking him on FB and deleting his number. It hurt her to no end. I've never seen her so heartbroken. They didn't speak for a few months. The holidays came and went, neither of them speaking a word to each other. She was finally starting to heal when she got a drunken call from him. He needed her badly, he was hysterical. He told her "6 months ago I had it all, I had you and my dad...now I have nothing" She rushed to be with him, secretly hoping it was for reconciliation, but that didn't happen. What he really needed was a friend. And that's exactly what she was to him in that moment, a dear friend; someone he could open up to and trust with no pressure of worrying what was going on with their relationship. And that is how she got him back!! By being patient and putting his needs ahead of hers. She was a true friend in his deepest time of need. They've been together for 3 years now and they are buying a house together. TL;DR You need to be a friend to him before you can be anything else. I know you love him, but what he needs right now is companionship and understanding with no expectations or strings attached. He needs to feel emotionally safe with you. Sometimes once you finally stop trying to reconcile, that's when the magic happens. Be patient and GOOD LUCK! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
depressed26 Posted October 31, 2016 Author Share Posted October 31, 2016 Thank you kelmar. Happy for your friend. I really want to be a friend to him right now but he wont let me. Sucks is im in another city which all i could do is text or call. i am thinking of visiting him though after a few months. he just pushed me away telling me not to bother him 2 days ago so... im afraid that if i am not there for him now, he might forget me and find comfort in other people Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sophie274 Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 It sounds to me like he broke up with you 3.5 months ago and has not wavered in his decision since then. As painful as it is, I really think you need to stop thinking of him as your boyfriend: he has not been your boyfriend for 3.5 months and shows no signs of wanting to get back together with you. He likely is depressed and grieving and he may very well have pushed you away due to his grief over his father's death; unfortunately, however, that doesn't make the break-up any less real. If I read things correctly, he has not contacted you once since June and the few times you have contacted him he has told you he is not interested. I think you need to face reality and accept that he is and has been your ex-boyfriend for a while now. It's time to start thinking of him and treating him as such, and to start doing your best to move on. The longer you delay accepting reality, the more painful this will be for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 Unfortunately it sounds like you are incompatible a many levels. Do not contact him or stalk him or worst of all, visit him uninvited. Sadly you'll have to accept that he's not happy, he's had enough and it's over.he also doesnt like me being whiny & complaining though i rarely complain about him, i usually complain about my problems (family, work, finances). we had big issues, him wanting to raise a family in his hometown, him being atheist (im a Christian) he was happier before he met me, i didnt treat him the way he deserved, i was so negative & whiny. i dont get everything though.i am thinking of visiting him though after a few months. he just pushed me away telling me not to bother him 2 days ago so... im afraid that if i am not there for him now, he might forget me and find comfort in other people Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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