An Amazing guy who is unfortunately dishonest.

[LoneSurvivor]

Hello everyone. Okay to start off, I am here to gain some advice on my current situation. I will be honest as possible in order to gain honest advice/opinions based on exactly how things are at the moment. Hopefully I will be able to cover as much important detail as possible.

 

Okay so me and my ex (gay couple) broke up on good terms a year ago (2015) and since then I’ve been living with him in the same apartment, we have our own rooms. I won’t go into details on how we live but what I can say is that we are completely split up and civil around each other. Anyways, since then I have planned on moving out, which is going to happen over the next few months.

 

6 Months ago, I met a new guy who happened to be here in the UK (he’s From Canada) visiting family, we spoke online quite a bit and eventually met multiple times up near my place. It was wonderful but unfortunately he had to go back home in Canada two weeks later. We promised to keep in touch and possibly meet up and move on if it allows. Since then we were pretty much like glue, texting each other every single day, skype video calls, etc. We got completely attached and wanted to move things further. The plan was then to Meet in November (We still haven’t met since the first time). When It all begun, he mentioned he was single, living alone and that he broke up with his ex a year prior to us meeting. At this stage I was honest with my situation (my ex even knew I went to meet someone and didn’t really give a damn besides wishing me good luck).

 

He mentioned that there will be times when he can’t speak much on skype, including text messages. Mainly because of work. I said that’s fine! No big deal, I wanted to accept him as he was and move on with us both. Two months later I decided to search him on Facebook so I can add him, why not eh? At that point I noticed pictures of him and his ex…. Then out of curiosity I clicked on his ex’s Facebook profile and noticed waves of places they’ve both been to together at that time, including pictures of the hotel room/holiday destination they were at two months before we met (I was told they split up a year before we met). At this point I immediately thought okay I’ve been lied to… so I confronted him about it. He apologised and justified it by saying it was their last chance to improve things. Okay fair enough… I left that behind and continued with us as normal. 1 month later… there was a particular weekend he mentioned that he had a lot of gardening to do and that he won’t be in touch for a day or so…. I found that strange. A few days later I decided to go on his ex’s profile again just to be sure… and to my surprised it was pictures of them both doing the gardening. This is when I realised… he lived with his ex. I thought okay we’re in the same situation, what a coincidence! But I was still angry and upset the fact I was lied to once again… so I confronted him in the nicest possible way. He admitted that he lived with his ex and that the reason is that they have a house together, it needs to be sold but they have to wait until mid-2017 due to cost of cancelling a mortgage or something. I accepted it and forgave him for it, he said he was afraid I would run away. He’s a wonderful man and couldn’t help but to keep going. In between those events its always been wonderful, we made plans. Skyped, talked about all kinds of things, to laughing, etc. Anyways, days went by and it was nice. He mentioned that he couldn’t let his ex know about us as he didn’t want to hurt his feelings, not to forget how abusive his was. He wants to live in a peaceful environment up until the house sells. I said I completely understand….yet at the back of my head something was telling me perhaps they’re still together and that he was finding it difficult to break up with his so called ex. We had weekends on being unable to speak because his ex was around. Why would someone let their ex spoil a potentially amazing new relationship???? I even offered him to talk to my own ex, as a small way to prove we split.

 

In august he warned me that he was taking his parents in September for a road trip in the U.S and that he won’t be able to keep in touch “due to shortage of WIFI”, which was understandable. I said that’s fine. So the holiday came… I heard bits off him. At those moment’s, I asked if I could call, he kept making excuses. This was a red flag once again so I looked at his ex facebook page… and yet again to my surprise they were both together, pictures with his parents also. So he lied that he was only going with his parents. I saw show off pictures of the luxurious beds across multiple hotels. It was obvious they slept in the same bed. I was extremely upset, but I thought I’d wait until he got back before I confronted him, but I couldn’t help it, I asked him two days after if ex went also, he admitted that he did, I then asked if they shared the bed. He admitted it (he knew I could easily find out anyway). His excuse was this…..”we booked those hotels too late and they were the only rooms available, we have no physical contact, we only slept in those beds, nothing else at all, he came to cut the costs”, etc. Bare in mind, his so called ex also has a selfie pic of them both on his profile page. Maybe they’re just really close friends? Who knows?! Apparantly they’re just friends.

 

I accepted it once again…. Because I thought I’d never know, why throw something away when the person is being honest? I was still upset two weeks later and brought it up. I told him it would really help if his ex knew about us (this was my way of seeing proof also, since there’s absolutely nothing to prove it at all so far). He got upset about his and said that he felt like he was walking on eggshells, and that the way I dealt with my situation with my ex doesn't mean its how he should deal with it. I felt really bad and guilty, it made me look like I wasn't a very understanding person.

 

What makes it confusing is that his ex has no relationship details on his page. The guy I’m seeing limited his facebook profile so hes no longer tagged in anything, etc.

 

So to this day… I still believe they’re still together, and that it’s not an official breakup. He really wants to move on with me but I feel like I’ve been lied to multiple times, I want him to be honest yet maybe I’m being too paranoid? I cannot tell anymore. I don’t trust him yet want to build it with him and still want a future with him.

 

Hes booked a 3 week holiday to come and see me next month. I’m very happy with this but once again I keep thinking there’s things I don’t know. It makes it very difficult to see where this will lead.

 

I apologise in advance if people find it difficult to read my post, its most likely filled with grammatical errors! Thanks for reading and I look forward to any honest opinions/advice.

[charity]

You must know what we're going to say!

You are dating a liar....You have caught him out so many times.

Time to look deep within yourself ask yourself why you are still with this person?

You have said 'to this day I believe they are still together' and 'I don't trust him'. You don't need proof, you need to trust yourself, because everything you're thinking is correct.

[RainyCoast]

well he ain't amazing.

[LoneSurvivor]

I think I need to see it from an objective point of view as I can't trust my own judgement sometimes. Perhaps I need to see others mention it in order to validate what I'm thinking. He's amazing in other ways for sure, its just the lies. I guess that makes him not so amazing... Thanks for the replies so far peeps

[RainyCoast]

sweety. cancel his vaca at your place. he's living with, and effing his not-ex big time.

[charity]

What I realized recently is that sometimes when we REALLY want something we ignore our better judgement and we make all sorts of justifications for it. But the truth is that , the fact your judgement is so messed up on this is sign enough that it's not right. Doesn't matter if you don't have proof...what matters is he is SHADY as hell, you don't trust him, you are going against your own instinct to keep on to him....I know it's hard to meet someone that you like but the longer you stick with people who bring out these feelings in you then the more you close your options with people who don't lie, who are upfront and clear, make you feel safe. To be clear Lone survivor, you're judgement on this one is spot on, it's your emotions that need to be overcome.

[HeartGoesOn]

He's amazing in other ways for sure, its just the lies.

 

He's an "amazing liar." Does that sound better?

 

Seriously, it's time to THINK!

[Jibralta]

well he ain't amazing.

 

Yeah.

 

LoneSurvivor, what do you feel is "amazing" about this guy? He is a shameless and undisguised liar. What is keeping you with a person like this?

[ParisPaulette]

An Amazing guy who is unfortunately dishonest.

 

Then he's not an amazing guy is he? Just a very good actor who uses his charm to misdirect you that he's a compulsive liar. You need to take the rose=colored glasses off and realize you can't use the words "amazing guy" and "dishonest" in the same sentence, about the same person and have it make any sense. It's like "free healthcare", ain't no such thing.

 

The two just don't go together and over time you will come to understand just how distasteful and dangerous such people are to your own happiness and mental and emotional health. Dishonesty gets you everything from cheated on to killed, literally. I cannot stress this enough.

 

And I won't give you any other advice, but to wake up and dump him and not look back. I did that whole try to have a relationship with a chronic liar thing a few times, would have gotten the t=shirt, but they lied to me about sending me/ordering me/no I didn't steal your t-shirt too.

 

So yeah, you get nothing but lies out of these people and a growing sense of unhappiness. Hopefully your sense of self-preservation will eventually kick in and it will dawn on you before anything too terrible happens that maybe people who are dishonest can't be trusted with anything. And shouldn't have access to your bank account information or your life.

[Tinydance]

Well everything else aside there is one very clear sign that he is most likely still together with his "ex" and that is that he's been LYING to you about it a lot. To be honest I don't think it's a good idea that you still live with your ex coz that always looks weird to potential partners, but a person who lives with their ex but isn't dating them (like yourself) would go out of their way to prove they are not together. Like, the guy you're seeing would be very upfront with you and tell you everything about their ex, e.g. we are gardening together. The stuff they are doing together sounds more like they're a couple though, e.g. holidaying with his parents. Also, if he really likes you then why would he do stuff like that with his ex if he was really his ex? Like why would he want to jeopardise things with you? I think there is definitely something very shady there. I can see that you've been trying to be understanding because of your own situation of living with your ex but in this case I don't think the guy is living with an ex, I think it's his actual boyfriend. Also was this guy planning to move back to the UK from Canada or not? I don't think he's taking you seriously coz you're in another country and he's already got a guy back home in Canada.

[LoneSurvivor]

Hey guys, thank you so much for the responding. I appreciate it highly! Okay I'm going to bullet point some things to make it to the point and easier to read:

 

- One of his reasons about the holiday and parents thing was because "family do not know we've split up yet, although they do have an inklin, soon enough they will know".

- He said he wants to move to the UK to be with me, or perhaps the other way round - me moving to Canada.

- It's true that if he was just an ex... he would go out of his way to prove it. I got nothing of the sort.

- One thing that did sort of prove it though... I say sort of.. is that in their earlier photos, they're both wearing rings (they were engaged) but this is no longer present. They both have clear hands.

- He says he's constantly worried I'm going to run away. My answer to that was - how did you predict I would react so badly if you were HONEST with me? Surely I would prefer to know and it's only fair???

 

He seems to take me very seriously by the looks of it, he pours out his heart all the time and speaks to me on a daily basis and we've made plans to be together properly (no need to keep flying over) by early/mid 2017. But one thing I did notice is that... because of his situation... of ensuring his "ex" doesn't find out, most times we're only able to talk over skype is when HE's available. I have more free time than he does, I understand that but it seems like he's more silent on weekends than he is when he's out of the house.

 

I know that maybe I should let go, but I can't seem to help it and would prefer to know exactly what's going on before I decide. I've never been in this situation before, the dishonesty... even my ex was extremely honest and respectful throughout.

 

I can see that he doesn't necessarily like his "ex" as I hear many bad things. He's very abusive.

[HeartGoesOn]

No offense, but you're accepting the role of being his side dish, with the agreement that you remain hidden and out of sight. More importantly the question is, why would you be willing to accept so little?

 

You already have all the information you need, (imo).

[LoneSurvivor]

HeatGoesOn, you are correct. I do have all the information I need. After reading all the posts above, I'm going to spend a day or two to think properly and decide what to do. What I did plan was this.... wait until Valentines day. Theres likely to be pictures uploaded on his ex's Facebook. I have no choice but to snoop and use that to confirm what's going on. For now I can sit distance myself a bit (I've given myself WHOLE by the way, and now feel pathetic about it).

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it sounds like he enjoys cheating, stringing guys along and free bed and breakfasts.

[LoneSurvivor]

Also. The reason why I accepted to be remain hidden (I thought I would be okay with it) was because of his abusive ex. He said if he found out he would torment him on a daily basis and he doesnt want that whilst still being around him, before the house sells. When I insisted he tells him, he angrily responded asking me if I really want to see him go through such torment. I felt guilty and said ofcourse not! Its for that reason I accepted it.

 

Any way, the next several months should give me a true answer and I will update this post when possible. Maybe it will help someone else going through the same thing.