Do I stay or do I go

[Confused594]

So, just over two years ago, during my senior year of college, I met a single dad and fell in love. He was kind and affectionate. March of 2015, he proposed and in May 2015, I moved in with him, his son and his mother.

Soon, I found myself paying almost every bill as they were deep in debt. I clean everything. LITERALLY no one else cleans. I take care of and often discipline the child. I taake care of the pets and work a full time job.

He takes my car to work because his broke down so i find rides. I also noticed a SHARP decline in his affection. Now we have sex maybe once or twice a month, he doesn't wanna cuddle. He doesnt want to talk about our wedding, which isnt planned, or any future children which I'm so ready for. Perhaps because even though I do everything for his child, and he still runs to my fiance for everything, even though I usually end up dealing with it anyway.

 

I want to be happy but i feel, that at 23 and 29, we are living like there's nothing more left for us to do when....i want more. Hes introverted, so we never go out with friends and he is very jealous if i do anything without him so...im always home or at work. Cleaning, doing crafts, baking.

 

I love the family, but im unhappy at the lack of...a true relationship.

 

However, i feel awful because if i leave, my step son will have just had yet another woman walk out of his life. ANd financially they cannot survive without me.

 

Im torn...do i stay, or do i leave?

[greta96]

ANd financially they cannot survive without me.

 

And...this is not your problem! You have let this family take advantage of you, and you are now being treated as a maid with close to nothing in return. Is this the kind of life you envision yourself living for the next 50-60 years? I would hope not, because it sounds like torture to me!

Love isn't a good enough excuse for letting those people treat you as a doormat. I can't believe you would let him take your car, while you have to find rides for yourself!

It's time you took back control over your own life, and the only way you can do so is by removing yourself from that family asap. They will probably find another naive victim to latch onto, or they will have to do what all of us do on a daily basis - get jobs and work. And whatever they do, it's none of your concern. Your concern is to see to it that your own life is rewarding and happy.

[Wiseman2]

Move out asap. It sounds like not only are you the unpaid help, you are paying to be the unpaid help.

 

You may "love the family" but if you are complaining of overextending yourself over-investing, overcompensating and being denied affection, they don't "love you", what are you doing there?

 

At 23 find your own place and a guy who cares about you whom you can be on equal footing with and with whom you can start YOUR OWN family. Sorry you are wasting your young life on these parasites. Being a martyr is not being a family.

found myself paying almost every bill as they were deep in debt. I clean everything. I take care of and often discipline the child. I taake care of the pets and work a full time job.

He takes my car to work because his broke down so i find rides.

[Andrina]

The human brain isn't fully formed until about age 25. You can forgive yourself for not having enough lifetime experience to see the red flags when you moved in with a man who still lives with his mother. I'm also assuming you didn't know him long enough to make a major lifetime decision like moving in with him. You should have known him at least two years since he is a single father, which adds more importance to the decision where you are concerned. Two years would've ensured how he'd consistently treat you over the long run, and to see if he was financially stable, which he is not.

 

It's sad for his child, but you cannot sacrifice your happiness and stay with your bf when it will mean an unsatisying life for yourself. You now know what you don't want in a relationship, and what your must haves and deal breakers are. The next time you enter into a relationship, you will be better prepared to make a wiser decision.

 

They survived before you came along and they will survive when you leave. If they haven't figured out how to be financially sound, they never will, but it's not your responsibility. Many women are nurturing, but when it's to your own detriment, you have to get rid of your rescuing mentality.

[IAmFCA]

Leave.

 

Your inner voice is right.

[Kalika]

Hun... You are WAYYYYYY too young for this type of responsibility. And this is coming from someone who had a child at 20.

 

He obviously has some things to work out in his own life. But you are basically throwing away yours. You could find someone with a lot less drama and baggage. Love alone does not make a relationship. There has to be respect and partnership on both sides.

 

He is showing you that he does not respect you by taking YOUR CAR and letting you find rides. He doesn't help with housework, and I didn't hear anything about a plan to get himself out of debt. You are 23 and becoming his housewife and caretaker. Meanwhile, he is flat out using you.

 

Please put a stop to this immediately before you end up pregnant by him and completely ruin your entire life.

 

You can still be there for his son if you choose to be and if he allows you to remain in his son's life. That's his call. But the current situation you describe is not a relationship. It's servitude.

[RainyCoast]

if they end up broke, that isn't because of the one adult who spent every dime on them, but because of the other two who didn't enlist social services and apply for benefits rather than raise their child in such unhealthy dynamics and circumstance. if yet another mother figure leaves, it is because he dilligently worked towards being deficient as a partner and family man, which was his repeated choice.

 

this family has choices regarding what to do after you've left. they can choose to go down,or look for help financially, socially and psychologically. if they choose to go down that will have been a conscious choice, thus apparently one that for reasons of psychological and characterological dysfunction works better for them. so you are not ruining their lives. they have done a lot before you it seems to live in ruins.

 

don't kid yourself. there'll be another cook, cleaner, maid,surogate, atm to replace you there soon enough, as you have likewise stepped into the role of your predecessor.

 

anything else?

how are you feeling about life after them?

[ParisPaulette]

You need to go and I would like to point out that they survived financially BEFORE you showed up. They're just taking advantage of you now. Your stepson will recover and go on with his life, he has it all ahead of him, but you're just in a situation where you're enabling two grown adults to depend fully on you financially.

 

Tell them the bank is closed up, you never signed up to be the sole breadwinner for anyone but the one true child in the group, and they need to figure it out. And you move forward with your life.

 

You've let this situation and your own false guilt box you into a corner and it will not get better, only worse. The more you let them stay dependent on you, the worse it will get.