My experience 2 years 9 months later, back to normal

[gxzone]

Hello all,

 

This is not a post asking for help. I did that 2 years and 9 months or so ago when I was the most depressed in my life after I had lost my girl at the time. I've always felt I wanted to give back if I ever got out.

 

After stalking her on fb and such (although she blocked me) for the first 2-3 weeks, I received advice here to go NC. And I did, and I tried as hard as I could. I recall feeling slightly better (but still absolutely horrible) after about a week or two.

 

Overall though, it was still cripplingly bad. A lot of you know that feeling, it was not like I was considering suicide or anything, that never happened, but it was BAD BAD like nothing in my life mattered anymore and I wasn't motivated or excited by anything. Thoughts of her would simply refuse to leave my mind for even a minute, and it was EXHAUSTING. I would yell at the top of my lungs while driving in my car on the way to and from work to try to release some of the stress, and it felt like it helped at the cost of my voice sometimes. Luckily, 95% of nights it didn't effect my sleep, and that was the only time I could rest and not think about her.

 

Since I had a job, I made it a point to at least keep going and trying my best to be useful and productive and not lose my job. I was able to do this, though at times I had to excuse myself to put myself back together.

 

So, I would say NC continued even to this day. We have never since then exchanged words, everything has been one way and probably only twice (both times, she messaged me, and I responded shortly once, no further). Every month was grueling and the constant 'when will I feel better again, this is EXHAUSTING and a terrible feeling', but I could also feel consistently better the longer I stayed away from her. I would say for the first 9 months, staying away not only from her, but from her facebook, social media, photos, was all critical, as any of them made the pain come back nearly full force for probably 2-3 weeks. It never got as bad as the first 2-3 weeks though, but I don't recommend any reminders, especially for the first 9 -12 months.

 

Incidentally after 10 months and the new year she decided to unblock me from facebook. Luckily by then seeing her occasionally pop up somewhere on Facebook no longer hurt too much, and I was careful to stay away from getting too interested in her. By this time I felt quite a bit better, I would say 60-70% better after the ~10 month to 1 year mark.

 

I continued to be about maybe 70-80%% better for the remainder of the second year. I had heard a lot of numbers being throw around that 2 years is about the mark that most ppl can fully heal, give or take. I can say for me, at the 2 year marker I was healed enough that I never got worse by seeing pictures of her or her posts on my friends posts on FB.

 

I would say I reached 95% (my current status) around the 2 year 3 month mark. I've since not gotten better at all, but feel basically fully healed. I'm motivated and excited about life, I travel, I work hard, and I'm looking forward to my future.

 

This is not to say it feels terrible for 2 years and 3 months. Every month that goes by helps. Its a long and exhausting journey, and especially the first ~9 months were very hard for me, although I was very fortunate to have lots of help especially in those ~9 months from new friends. During the early months, I tried as hard as I could to follow advice from this forum such as staying busy, exercising, and just going outside (being inside and alone was pretty hard to bear). I became active in inviting my friends to go out more than I usually do, and I was rarely a day alone, and this definitely helped. I would advise to have your very closest and trusted friends to help you vent, but your less than this friends only once each, as you don't want to push them away. Your best friends will be there no matter what, even though they know you are just droning on and on about the same thing.

 

And it will get better. I would say it was a lot more comfortable even after the 3 month mark., 6 months was a big relief as well. Although it may be obvious, the earliest time is the hardest time, and when the healing is the most rapid (it sure won't feel rapid though...). That is, as long as you stay NC. You'll realize you put him or her on a pedestal. No matter how perfect you think they were, there IS somebody out there that is better, always. How many humans are on this earth, and do you really think you found the very absolute best one on the planet? Think of it this way, have you ever won a multi million dollar lottery? Has anyone you know won? PROBABLY NOT! We just end up being with the best one we find in a limited time. Hollywood is NOT REAL and there is no "one and only" and its time to wake up and get out. Never give up, tell yourself vocally over and over, every single day, to fight, to feel better. When you feel down, get back up. Get back up over and over and OVER. When you get through it all, you will be stronger and wiser.

 

That is my story and advice. Good luck to all.

[Wolfshook]

That's nice to hear. Thanks for posting.

 

But, 2 years is a huuuuge amount of time .

[Ms Darcy]

That's nice to hear. Thanks for posting.

 

But, 2 years is a huuuuge amount of time .

 

It really depends on the person and the relationship. You have to take numbers, in terms of healing, with a grain of salt.

[eldasensei]

That's nice to hear. Thanks for posting.

 

But, 2 years is a huuuuge amount of time .

 

Not really. Most people that just got out of a first time break-up might find this too long, but really its not. It's normal and it's worth it . Remember your mileage may vary. some people take longer and some take shorter but in my experience this story was pretty accurate. Even the screaming in the car part

[rich46]

Excellent post, and pretty accurate as to my healing, although my general timeframe seems to be about 12-18 months.

Incidentally after 10 months and the new year she decided to unblock me from facebook. Luckily by then seeing her occasionally pop up somewhere on Facebook no longer hurt too much, and I was careful to stay away from getting too interested in her. By this time I felt quite a bit better, I would say 60-70% better after the ~10 month to 1 year mark.

Only slight issue I have is with allowing her to dictate when to block/unblock you from facebook. I'm a bit more stubborn with things like this, i.e. I would have blocked her from facebook indefinitely, rather than risk being set back when she unblocked me (at the the 10 month mark in your case). You weren't fully healed at this point, and it wouldn't surprise me if this incident delayed your healing, even at a subconcious level.

 

But regardless, thanks for posting and hopefully those fresh out of a relationship will realise that.....the advice we give is borne out of our own experiences, and we (generally) know what we are talking about!

[Ms Darcy]

My first breakup took me about 7 months to heal from. The second took one month. Everybody is different.

[Wolfshook]

Not really. Most people that just got out of a first time break-up might find this too long, but really its not. It's normal and it's worth it . Remember your mileage may vary. some people take longer and some take shorter but in my experience this story was pretty accurate. Even the screaming in the car part

 

Yes,but imagine,that's 2 (almost 3) years of your life you could have spent in happyness instead of still being hung up on somebody.

 

I feel a lot better now,but this gives me motivation to fully move on as soon as possible. I dont want to waste another minute of my life,and most certainly not another year.

 

@msdarcy it was 3 months top for me untill now,but those were teenage loves.

[rich46]

Yes,but imagine,that's 2 (almost 3) years of your life you could have spent in happyness instead of still being hung up on somebody.

I'm sure the OP didn't want to spend two years of his life getting over his ex. It simply took that long to go through the process. That's life.

 

Also, I would say it took me 12-18 months to get over my ex and feel ready to date again. That is not to say I was unhappy during that entire period. Far from it. I will look back on it as a time of growth, full of great achievements, world travel, new friends, and fresh experiences.

 

I just wasn't ready to date.

 

I'm a big believer in going through the process, however long it takes, and emerging the other side all the better for the experience.

[Kadbanoo]

I'm sure the OP didn't want to spend two years of his life getting over his ex. It simply took that long to go through the process. That's life.

 

Also, I would say it took me 12-18 months to get over my ex and feel ready to date again. That is not to say I was unhappy during that entire period. Far from it. I will look back on it as a time of growth, full of great achievements, world travel, new friends, and fresh experiences.

 

I just wasn't ready to date.

 

I'm a big believer in going through the process, however long it takes, and emerging the other side all the better for the experience.

 

I agree completely - we can't "force" happiness, we can't "force" ourselves to stop loving our missing someone and no one would choose to be in that place of grief and loss. Time helps ease the acute pain, but some things we may just carry with us in some form forever. I am over two years out of a horrifically painful breakup from a relationship that lasted just 14 months - it took a solid 18 months to get over the "worst" (my ex even wanted to reconcile during that time, but I was just not interested by that point, even after wishing and wishing for that) and even today I still find myself teary-eyed from time to time. As much as I miss him and as lonely as it can be alone and not have a partner, lover or companion, I'm just not "there" yet... and for me, it's best to be "there" before I start dating someone.

 

Loss comes in all forms and every person is different in how they react - I had a child when I was 17 and placed him for adoption because I was so young. I didn't see him for 25 years (we were reunited) and I never had other kids. I still find myself crying around his birthday, or getting sniffly when I think about holding him a few days after he was born to say goodbye. It's been 30 years and those emotions are still there. People say "Well that's not the same thing as losing a partner" but I can tell you it is, I lived it and that any type of loss can trigger deep and unexpected pain.

 

OP - I am glad you are feeling better and I enjoy hearing other people's stories of recovery - with all of the ups and downs, two steps forward, one step back paths it can take. I see that you only met the woman in question one time, so I can understand how others might not "get" the time it took to recover, but it's a good reminder that pain, loss, grieving and recovery - in whatever form they take - are personal journeys.

[Lysflower]

Thanks OP for this post.

 

It has been a bit more than 18 months since the most painful breakup in my life. The relationship only lasted 1 year, and on an on and off basis. I recently saw her at out mutual friend's wedding, and even though I am not back to square one, I feel like 2 or 3 months after the break-up, i.e. lost, nostalgic and still very much fond of her. I unfortunately made the mistake of perhaps starting a new relationship too quickly, and now I think I have no choice but breaking up with my new girlfriend, not only because I am struggling to picture myself in the future with her, but also because I have admitted to myself I still have feelings for my ex. After 18 months!

 

For what it's worth, I think this is down to 2 issues. Firstly, I still haven't managed to kick my ex off the pedestal, I think the world of her. That's not to say that the only way to get over one's ex is to believe they are bad people. However, we should come to the conclusion that there is someone that is not necessarily a "better" person, but simply a better match. And I struggle to do that. Because my ex is truly a very kind-hearted and thoughtful person. In many ways it is much harder to get over someone who has such good character, than over a person who at some point behaved like a jerk. Secondly, since we have a friend in common, deep down I knew I would see her again one day, and so I have unconsciously been lying to myself all this time thinking that when we meet again we will both be in a position to mend things.

 

I have reached a point where I think I now need to seek some professional help, otherwise those lingering feelings will keep haunting me for months and months. A huge part of me wants to move on and be in a position where I can find a connection as deep, and yet another is still holding on to the past.

 

Just throwing my two cents to warn people not to make the same mistakes as me... Easier said than done I know... And there is such a thin line between moving on to another relationship because you feel ready, as opposed to you thinking this is the ultimate step to finally get over your ex....