Is this the reason

[chester]

My ex and I broke up due to distance because I was going to school for my doctorate 3000 miles away for 4 years. For reasons unknown before our breakup I ended up not going to school and took a position in a certain state working alongside my best friend at a top engineering firm (my absolute dream job and my original back up plan if I didnt get my PhD.) It happens to be in the same state as my ex.. My ex however is not interested in reconciliation at all. I think its bc I didnt pursue the thing that broke us up/was extrememly flighty. But I try to think of other reasons he doesnt want me back bc I'm so hurt/confused. i think this could be a potential reason?: someone I dated (not officially bf/gf but we were exclusive for 2/3 months) lived in the city of where I was going to school; him and were never official (more of a glorified hookup) and we still kept in touch-I asked him about the city stores/living costs,etc; he has a gf now too; I never told my ex about him bc I just didnt think it was necessary (especially since my ex kept in touch with his exes). I worry maybe one of my friends mentioned this to him (I wish I was just open about it). One of my friends (a mutual friend of my ex and I) asked me about this guy I dated casually once bc i was moving to the same city as him and I told him it was nothing/he had a gf. Idk I just hope it didnt get blown out of proportion bc i told my ex I didnt know anyone in the city (the guy I casually dated didnt live in the city per se and I didnt plan on being best buds with him) . I never even saw this guy when I visited the school a couple times but if I did I would've told my ex. I just try to think of any and all reasons my ex doesnt want to be with me anymore when we broke up over distance you know? I shouldve been more honest. I wasnt thinking. I hope this isn't the reason/hope my ex isn't hurt by this bc it wasnt my intention (i try to avoidt talking about previous relatiosnhips)

 

please be kind; I already beat myself up a lot

[gebaird]

Congrats on getting your dream job

 

It sounds to me like you are driving yourself a little crazy trying to figure out "the reason." Whatever the cause, the fact remains that the two of you are apart. You can contact him and attempt to reconcile or you can let him go, but continually dwelling on why he doesn't want you back will just cause you pain.

[chester]

Congrats on getting your dream job

 

It sounds to me like you are driving yourself a little crazy trying to figure out "the reason." Whatever the cause, the fact remains that the two of you are apart. You can contact him and attempt to reconcile or you can let him go, but continually dwelling on why he doesn't want you back will just cause you pain.

 

thanks so much! i LOVE it! Its what I imagined and more--Im glad I have this job; its making me move forward in the face of a sad breakup.

 

And ok thank you I tried to reconcile but he wasnt interested-I would hate to think this was the reason but a lot of people I talk to don't think that would be the reason to not hear from him (i..e the reason he hasnt contacted me). I hope they're right.

[chitown9]

Gee....why can't you just ask him the reason why he does not want to get back together? It is odd when the distance was the issue, but distance is not an issue now, so just ask him. chi

[chester]

Gee....why can't you just ask him the reason why he does not want to get back together? It is odd when the distance was the issue, but distance is not an issue now, so just ask him. chi

 

hi chi

 

when him and i talked he said he was hurt bc he thought i was never going to go to the phd program (i.e. we broke up over something i was considering not doing the whole time) and when I approached him about reconciliation again he said he "still hurt a lot" and I'm guessing it was over the same reason (not going to school) but now I'm like wondering if it was over this instead

[RainyCoast]

nah he was just upset you were moving and pursuing something great. sometimes the Great Other (yup, even when it isn't a person) strikes them as a threat.

 

don't overthink this. you are doing an awesome thing and you sound so passionate and excited about it even i want to throw celebratory ribbons in the air.

 

look for guys who are proud and supportive and cheering you on as you work towards being the person you want to be and making a life for yourself that you want and deserve. anyone who wants you to downsize yourself for their comfort is a bullet dodged.

 

best of luck with your job and phd program!!

[chester]

nah he was just upset you were moving and pursuing something great. sometimes the Great Other (yup, even when it isn't a person) strikes them as a threat.

 

don't overthink this. you are doing an awesome thing and you sound so passionate and excited about it even i want to throw celebratory ribbons in the air.

 

look for guys who are proud and supportive and cheering you on as you work towards being the person you want to be and making a life for yourself that you want and deserve. anyone who wants you to downsize yourself for their comfort is a bullet dodged.

 

best of luck with your job and phd program!!

 

 

thanks so much. I am really excited. I appreciate it

 

I really hope youre right. I HATE hurting people and I shouldve just brought up this guy to my ex. I really hope it didnt get back to him and thats the reason he doesnt want to get back together. And its funny bc my ex is really successful; even more successful than me so I'm not sure if its that. My ex and I were always LD and this is the first time we're in the same place. Its the only thing I can think of but it is what it is and I have to resort to everything happens for a reason

 

thanks again

[EvaJ]

thanks so much. I am really excited. I appreciate it

 

I really hope youre right. I HATE hurting people and I shouldve just brought up this guy to my ex. I really hope it didnt get back to him and thats the reason he doesnt want to get back together. And its funny bc my ex is really successful; even more successful than me so I'm not sure if its that. My ex and I were always LD and this is the first time we're in the same place. Its the only thing I can think of but it is what it is and I have to resort to everything happens for a reason

 

thanks again

 

If you read through the threads in this forum, you'll find that lots of the dumpees on here are actually confused about the reason for the breakup (myself included). I may be wrong, but my theory is that dumpers just don't make themselves clear to you when they're simply over you and don't know how to explain it to you or when there's someone else on the horizon and they don't want to tell you this. They'll then proceed to using silly little things you said or did that are totally fixable as excuses for why they feel so hurt by you that they can no longer be with you/be in contact with you/talk to you etc. It's just their way of making you feel responsible for the breakup or lack of reconciliation. Don't beat yourself up over this. You haven't done anything wrong. Apply the no contact rule and move on. If he cares, he'll find a way to be with you - trust me.

I'm in a similar situation as "my guy" stopped talking to me after I said we needed a break, even though I changed my mind, like, literally 2 days later. To start with, I beat myself up over this, but I've since decided that he knows where to find me if he wants to be with me and meanwhile, I'm concentrating on myself and I'm moving on with my life. I'm currently on day 47 of no contact and I'm really proud of myself for not once reaching out to him despite my initial desire to do so to clarify the situation.

[chester]

If you read through the threads in this forum, you'll find that lots of the dumpees on here are actually confused about the reason for the breakup (myself included). I may be wrong, but my theory is that dumpers just don't make themselves clear to you when they're simply over you and don't know how to explain it to you or when there's someone else on the horizon and they don't want to tell you this. They'll then proceed to using silly little things you said or did that are totally fixable as excuses for why they feel so hurt by you that they can no longer be with you/be in contact with you/talk to you etc. It's just their way of making you feel responsible for the breakup or lack of reconciliation. Don't beat yourself up over this. You haven't done anything wrong. Apply the no contact rule and move on. If he cares, he'll find a way to be with you - trust me.

I'm in a similar situation as "my guy" stopped talking to me after I said we needed a break, even though I changed my mind, like, literally 2 days later. To start with, I beat myself up over this, but I've since decided that he knows where to find me if he wants to be with me and meanwhile, I'm concentrating on myself and I'm moving on with my life. I'm currently on day 47 of no contact and I'm really proud of myself for not once reaching out to him despite my initial desire to do so to clarify the situation.

 

Hi Eva

Thank you for reading I'm proud of you too. I'm at 150 or so days NC. Keep it up. You should be proud. Focus on yourself and like you said he knows where to find you

 

And wow! Same thing happened to me: I initiated a breakup with my ex (bc of distance) and regretted it like days later but my ex said we needed time so he didn't want to reconcile. When distance was no longer and issue later on he still didn't want to reconcile. I'll try not to beat myself up but I think this might be the reason he doesn't. Not sure. But like you said it could all be blown out of proportion. Also with minimal contact there's also lots of miscommunication happening. We live and learn though. I just hope my ex isn't hurt by this. I never meant to hurt him and I hate hurting people. Thanks again for responding and sharing your story.

[kamurj]

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