He wouldn't commit.. was I wise to end it?

[Cookies999]

Hello..I know this is lengthy, but any opinion is appreciated

 

-met online 2 months ago

-only met six times, each weekend because conflicting schedules, 2hr distance, and break ups

.-text daily about inane stuff

-don't know much about each other,both shy but slowly getting to know more

-see/touch his penis on 3rd date, but freaked (im a virgin) and told him to sleep and we cuddled to sleep

-Next day we kissed and I left early. I felt used (even though I just touched his penis fully clothed)knowing he still signs into dating app daily, but I didn't tell him that, I just said "I don't want casual, we want different things but we should still be friends"

-he said he was confused, he never said he wanted casual. Said he had feelings for me , seemed mad at friends thing

-I say I don't trust him(has active profile) end it

-I thought I may have jumped the gun, so I said sorry and we commence

-5th date we fool around a lot more still no sex, I tell him that I delete my profile. He said he still has his

-log in to see he's still active on that fcking app and put up new pic.

-I text him "what do you think about me /want from me"

-gives me flakey "I'm not sure I really like you I want to get to know you more I want to know everything about you!!!"

-6th date I break with him in person he freaks out (ego)

-I leave and he text me why did I do that

-I say I don't want casual sorry

-he says he doesn't either but he's not going to just "jump into a relationship " needs to get to know me more. He's not in it for sex, seeing anyone else blah blah He is willing to wait for me (sex, he means) Why can't I do the same? Says he's invested feelings in me and he's losing them because all the back n forth I'm doing

-I disagree

-He says he now can't trust me with his feelings. Bye.

-I feel I goofed.. say sorry...didn't mean for drama just was concerned

-I call him and say yes sorry on your profile you're looking just for friends and I want a R

-he said yes he "he said he's not just looking for casual sex he just put friends because he's looking for friends first, not a relationship, but if a relationship comes from that down the road that's fine

-I call bull and end it for good. Block/delete

 

Was I right to assume he was using me and not invest in it more? I feel played but also guilty for dragging it out so long

[Someday_Soon]

I would have done exactly what you did. At any rate, a LD relationship with someone who is just looking for friends is a shaky foundation for a monogamous relationship. It just is.

[Wiseman2]

Way too much drama for 2 mos and 6 dates. Good idea to call it quits.

[Bunney]

Jeeeze. It's good that things between you are over... for HIS sake. You acted nuts and irrational and unstable. Pressuring him and getting mad and lashing out.

Three dates and you already expect him to drop everything and profess his undying love for you and stop even remotely considering dating anyone else.

 

He did not use you. You were both willing and consenting participants in those little hookups of yours, but always amusing how some women like to throw out the "ohh I was USED!"-card as soon as things aren't panning out the way they planned (as in... marriage proposal after date 5 )

 

I'm surprised he even stuck around as long as he did. If I were a man and had a girl act the way you did after only 3 dates (throwing away flowers, lashing out, saying "I dont trust you" - helloooo?) I'd block you everywhere and be glad I dodged such a major bullet.

 

That guy was interested in you, and unlike you was rational enough to know it's not wise to jump into things too soon, but liked you enough to keep spending time with you and wanting to get to know you over time - you know, like mature adults do. YOU had the choice to set boundaries - if you didn't want physical stuff without 100% commitment first, then you were free to set that boundary. You didn't, instead you resorted to playing drama queen and hoped that enough whining from you would eventually get him to agree to a relationship.

 

You need to take a step back from dating, grow up and learn some basics on relationship building (lots of online articles/ books to choose from).

[JaggerJim]

He has to date you before he can be in a relationship with you. That's what he was trying to do.

 

You kept ending it because he wouldn't give you an answer straight off. That's not how dating works. He was seeing if you were a good fit first. You didn't really give him a chance.

[milly007]

First off, I have to ask, how old are you two?

 

I think you were both looking for different things. He was hoping to just meet "friends", with some action on the side and no commitment. You were ultimately looking for a relationship.

 

Make sure from this point forward you're just getting to know men who want the same things as you. Some guys may tell you that they're looking for a relationship when sometimes they're only hoping for something casual, but just listen to your gut, listen to what they say, and watch what they do. Actions speak louder than words.

 

Also, don't think of yourself as being used in this situation. You make yourself feel guilty over being intimate with a guy you were attracted to and you shouldn't beat yourself up over this. This is completely normal! As humans we naturally crave intimacy and that feeling of closeness. Think of it this way - you enjoyed yourself and had fun! No biggie. Just be careful moving forward and try not to get too physical too soon. I find if you get too physical too soon without knowing if you're both on the same page, it can blur the lines a bit and create confusion.

 

Better that you found out about this guy now so you can find someone better for you.

 

Also, I will admit that I'm leary of guys saying they're looking for friends first and if a relationship develops out of it, great. I'm just not buying it.

 

With all due respect OP, I know you mentioned that you were a virgin, but have you had many intimate moments/make out sessions with guys? I'm asking this because I get the feeling, based on your post, that being physical with a guy is a pretty big deal to you (and that there may be some inexperience there). So big, in fact, that it seems like you're mad at yourself for giving into the temptation, and even more upset at him for him not realizing how big of a deal it was for you to be intimate in the first place.

[ThatwasThen]

After only six dates you expected far too much. I suspect that any man that would give into your expectations on your speedy time table would have something wrong with them.

 

How do you even consider him using you? You touched his clothed penis and then your guilt got the better of you so you projected making him (in your mind) somehow responsible for what YOU did.

 

Jeeeze. It's good that things between you are over... for HIS sake. You acted nuts and irrational and unstable. Pressuring him and getting mad and lashing out.

Agree!

 

Learn from this dating fiasco so that you don't keep making these demands of who you are dating after only six dates. You certainly can tell them that you're not ready to have sex with them but you can't expect them to do anything more then respect your wishes.

 

I think you were both looking for different things. He was hoping to just meet "friends", with some action on the side and no commitment..

I didn't read any of that in what the Op has disclosed. Looking for "friends" on an online dating site is something Op should be looking out for before she respond to any other men from an online dating site though. Keep it to those looking for long term and limit who can get through to you as well, Op. Make it so only those looking for a relationship and you MAY fair better but certainly not if you react in the same manner you did with this guy.

 

Good luck in your next adventure in dating.

[j.man]

So are you always this scary when first dating someone or are you just in the Halloween spirit?

 

 

[milly007]

I didn't read any of that in what the Op has disclosed. Looking for "friends" on an online dating site is something Op should be looking out for before she respond to any other men from an online dating site though. Keep it to those looking for long term and limit who can get through to you as well, Op. Make it so only those looking for a relationship and you MAY fair better but certainly not if you react in the same manner you did with this

 

I'm just referring to OP's second last bullet point where she states he was looking for friends first.

[Cookies999]

Thanks for the insight. I am 25(Really late bloomer) and he's 32. He's really shyAfter 3rd date, I said I think we want different things. I said I'm not waiting til marriage, but need feelings to have sex. He said he needs to too and that he's not looking for casual either. I said It's not a good idea (He still had a profile so I didn't trust him) But we can always stay friends,right? He said "friends?" I said "okay well you obviously don't want that" he said "you obviously have no idea what I want" drama. we went back and forth all day long. I said I just couldn't trust him. The next day we made up and he said you need to trust me.

 

I don't but the not ready to jump into a relationship either..he sent mixed signals. When I met him, my objective was just to get rid of my virginity, but I fell for him. Because of this, I would suggest staying in but he would push to go out and hold hands. He scheduled dates and things we could do. Once He made dinner plans but I wanted to stay in and mess around But his stomach was growling. Whenever we were close I'd stop him and he'd say "no worries were on your schedule"I know I shouldn't say he used me, (I told him I thought he did and had trust issues) I got some out of it too. At the end he was really mad. I offered to come over again and he said he just didn't know...he had to think about it because "he can't keep going through this because it makes him felt like complete **** and confused" I don't know if he's gaslighting me, but felt guilty..maybe I was too fast..

[j.man]

I don't know if he's gaslighting me, but felt guilty..maybe I was too fast..

Wait, what? You admit your goal in meeting him was to lose your virginity. You admit you wanted to stay in and fool around the night he wanted to go get dinner. Then you tell him you thought he used you and he's the one gaslighting you? You've got your respective roles mixed up.

 

Lady, lady, lady.... if only I could make these little ghosts facepalm. I'll just post them again and you can imagine them doing it.

 

 

[ThatwasThen]

YOU are the one whose actions did not match your words. He was trying to take you out and get to know you the right way and you steered it into being some kind of sex hook up where you changed your mind. No wonder he's disappeared.

 

You really need to figure out what you want before you date again and frankly losing your virginity to some random from an online dating site sounds like one awful way to become "experienced." You don't have the social experience or emotional maturity (by the sounds of things) to be so casual about your sexuality. You talk one way and you walk another. Get your talk and your walk on the same path and you'll fair much better.

[milly007]

It seems like you were trying to rush him and you into a relationship. I also think that you were putting even more pressure on the two of you to become exclusive because you fooled around with him and to a point that made you feel uncomfortable.

 

Moving forward in the dating world, take things slow and get to know the guy. Don't rush things and make sure you're investing in someone with the same relationship goals as you. Also, you should probably ease into the physical aspect of dating very slowly. Seems you rushed things here and ended-up throwing yourself into a panic because you weren't ready and stepped a little too far outside of your box. You thought were ready to be physical, but no, doesn't seem like you were.

[islander]

Wow...that was a lot of drama for such a short time span.

 

I think it may be best to just move on.

[Cookies999]

Thank you. The input really helps. I don't understand though... I did start out with that objective, but feelings change, I caught them, and as soon as I did I told him. I even told him after the 3rd date when I knew I liked him (he already told me he liked me /has feelings on 2nd date) that "I can't do casual. Im getting feelings for you and I feel a clinger lurking inside me. Im looking at your flowers and I miss you and want to be with you. "

 

He said " I want you to miss me and I want to be with me"

I said " well i don't"

 

I Know I might have come on strong /little scary but I needed him to Define the relationship and commit in part so I could feel safer but he wouldn't. It made me feel used and more resentful every time we were together.

Then he gave the bogus "don't wanna jump" my alarm went off .

 

It's ended , I blocked/Deleted but it's just for future knowledge I examine this and learn from this advice.

 

 

I just picked the wrong guy maybe I don't know. I'm so lost and way behind

 

Thanks again

[HeartGoesOn]

I'm unable to see any indication in your thread where he was "using you." After a total of six dates within a two month period, and also factoring in the long distance, it seems too soon to discuss commitment, (imo).

 

I think you jumped the gun when making that assumption.

[ThatwasThen]

I just picked the wrong guy

No you just did a classic come her/no go away move that back fired to the nth degree on you.

 

Know for the future that you can't expect anyone to commit to you or define "the relationship" after six measly dates. Dates that you cancelled to simply hang out with him in the hopes of getting laid and then changing your mind due to guilt. (come here/no go away)

 

Were you raised in a fundamental religion that put BS into your head about sex and sexuality in general?

[katrina1980]

Thank you. The input really helps. I don't understand though... I did start out with that objective, but feelings change, I caught them, and as soon as I did I told him. I even told him after the 3rd date when I knew I liked him (he already told me he liked me /has feelings on 2nd date) that "I can't do casual. Im getting feelings for you and I feel a clinger lurking inside me. Im looking at your flowers and I miss you and want to be with you. "

 

He said " I want you to miss me and I want to be with me"

I said " well i don't"

 

I Know I might have come on strong /little scary but I needed him to Define the relationship and commit in part so I could feel safer but he wouldn't. It made me feel used and more resentful every time we were together.

Then he gave the bogus "don't wanna jump" my alarm went off .

 

It's ended , I blocked/Deleted but it's just for future knowledge I examine this and learn from this advice.

 

 

I just picked the wrong guy maybe I don't know. I'm so lost and way behind

 

Thanks again

 

No you didn't pick the wrong guy and yes YOU screwed up.

 

Cookies I am going to give you the same advice as I did on the other forum you posted this on, a thread that went on for many many pages.

 

SEEK THERAPY.

 

Your anxiety, insecurities and over-the-top expectations are going to cast a negative shadow on ALL your dating experiences until you resolve your issues.

 

I mean come on girl, you broke up with his man THREE times within a span of SIX dates.

 

The first time you broke up with him was after only TWO dates.

 

It is absurd to expect commitment (or even a RL) after only two dates... but yet that IS what you expected and when that didn't happen you ended it.

 

But then you went back, and after a couple more dates, you broke up with him AGAIN for the same reason.

 

Rinse, repeat a third time! Only six dates you had!

 

If you can't see by now that the problem is YOU, and not this guy, or any guy for that matter, you're more troubled than I originally thought.

 

Spend some time on your own, introspect, look WITHIN and seek help sorting out your s*** with a qualified professional.

 

Best of luck.

[LadyAbbey31]

No you did not pick the wrong guy. YOU were not being fair to what sounds like a pretty decent guy. There is nothing in what you've said that indicates he used you. Nothing.

He was trying to get to know you. I don't think you were willing to let him do that....

Based on a couple of your responses to the comments on here it doesn't sound like you are understanding/absorbing the advice though....but I think everything I want to say is already here, so go back and read the advice again maybe.

You can't push/pressure/manipulate a situation in the way you have, by confusing them and making them feel that THEY should conform to your emotional needs (after 6 dates no less). Try to be very clear on what you want and need from another person before you date again....because it sounds as though you were doing a bit of back and forth and he got a bit confused. Next time someone shows interest in getting to know you, just let things unfold organically. Get to know him, and let him get to know you. Relax and enjoy spending time with them, the 'girlfriend/boyfriend' labels can come later on, as things progress and you both become more comfortable. The 'relationship 'talk' may come after a month of dating, or 6 months. Every dating scenario is different, but they can't be forced.

 

And there is nothing wrong, in my opinion, in keeping a dating profile until someone is certain he has found someone to be in a relationship with. He wasn't certain yet, but he may have been if things had been able to progress a bit more, again, organically. He probably kept his dating profile because he didn't know yet if things would work out with you....and this way he didn't have to start another profile from scratch when things didn't. He wasn't sure his search was over, and he was right.

 

Best of luck to you, take care.

[Ms Darcy]

Thanks for the insight. I am 25(Really late bloomer) and he's 32. He's really shyAfter 3rd date, I said I think we want different things. I said I'm not waiting til marriage, but need feelings to have sex. He said he needs to too and that he's not looking for casual either. I said It's not a good idea (He still had a profile so I didn't trust him) But we can always stay friends,right? He said "friends?" I said "okay well you obviously don't want that" he said "you obviously have no idea what I want" drama. we went back and forth all day long. I said I just couldn't trust him. The next day we made up and he said you need to trust me.

 

I don't but the not ready to jump into a relationship either..he sent mixed signals. When I met him, my objective was just to get rid of my virginity, but I fell for him. Because of this, I would suggest staying in but he would push to go out and hold hands. He scheduled dates and things we could do. Once He made dinner plans but I wanted to stay in and mess around But his stomach was growling. Whenever we were close I'd stop him and he'd say "no worries were on your schedule"I know I shouldn't say he used me, (I told him I thought he did and had trust issues) I got some out of it too. At the end he was really mad. I offered to come over again and he said he just didn't know...he had to think about it because "he can't keep going through this because it makes him felt like complete **** and confused" I don't know if he's gaslighting me, but felt guilty..maybe I was too fast..

 

You are 25? I thought you were 18. You were indeed acting scary/crazy. I'm sad you don't see that.

[limichelle]

If this pattern continues you are not going to have much luck in the dating world. You need to not rush things. Now if you were together six years then I would say he couldn't commit. Six dates?! You have just gotten your feet wet.

 

Next time don't be so over eager and ease up a bit, otherwise you will keep this cycle of drama going and that's not healthy.

[shoebaby1]

Aw he actually sounded like an okay guy from what you explained. He even came back around after the fighting, it kinda seems he was trying to work with you a bit. I think you should leave him alone now though.

[Tanzi]

Wowsers ... too much already!! You told him you didn't trust him after just 3 dates yet didn't explain why. That is just creating drama where none is necessary. You could have just asked him about it. To be honest, still signing into a dating app after only 3 dates is to be expected.

 

I can't see that he is using you. He hasn't pushed for sex and from what you said below, he seems to be doing things the right way.

 

he says he doesn't either but he's not going to just "jump into a relationship " needs to get to know me more. He's not in it for sex, seeing anyone else blah blah He is willing to wait for me (sex, he means) Why can't I do the same? Says he's invested feelings in me and he's losing them because all the back n forth I'm doing

 

He was being cautious before jumping into anything. You, however, wanted to rush full steam ahead into a relationship with someone you barely know. Unfortunately you didn't give him the time to prove himself as a genuine guy .... or for feelings to develop further. You are thwarting things before they can even get started. You need to slow down and you must learn to discuss your concerns with someone before judging them and reacting badly.

 

You said you were getting mixed signals but then say you only went into this to lose your virginity anyway. So whilst HE was the one planning dates and making dinner plans, YOU were the one who wanted to "stay in to mess around". Yet somehow YOU end up giving HIM the 3rd degree. If anyone is giving out mixed signals, I would say it was you.

 

It sounds to me as though he has had enough and, to be honest, I don't think that is surprising.

[Tanzi]

Thank you. The input really helps. I don't understand though... I did start out with that objective, but feelings change, I caught them, and as soon as I did I told him. I even told him after the 3rd date when I knew I liked him (he already told me he liked me /has feelings on 2nd date) that "I can't do casual. Im getting feelings for you and I feel a clinger lurking inside me. Im looking at your flowers and I miss you and want to be with you. "

 

He said " I want you to miss me and I want to be with me"

I said " well i don't"

 

I Know I might have come on strong /little scary but I needed him to Define the relationship and commit in part so I could feel safer but he wouldn't. It made me feel used and more resentful every time we were together.

Then he gave the bogus "don't wanna jump" my alarm went off .

 

It's ended , I blocked/Deleted but it's just for future knowledge I examine this and learn from this advice.

 

 

I just picked the wrong guy maybe I don't know. I'm so lost and way behind

 

 

You didn't pick the wrong guy. You went about things the wrong way. This guy even sent you flowers!

 

I think you need to work out what you really want and stick with it. You started off with the objective of losing your virginity yet you moved to NOT wanting anything casual pretty quickly. He is just as likely to be as confused as you. Besides, even if you don't want anything casual, it still takes time to find the right person to be in a relationship with .... and that means dating someone first and getting to know them. You seem to want to skip the important part.

 

Asking him to "define" the relationship so early on is just too much. He needs the time to get to know you too. Nevertheless, he still gave you a pretty decent answer .... and one you could have worked with. I'm not sure why you saw it as bogus other than the fact that things didn't work out as you hoped thereafter. Personally, however, I think that has more to do with how you behaved than how he initially felt.

 

Your behaviour does not bode well for a future relationship and I expect he started to see some red flags.

 

Even after all this you are only 6 dates in. Six dates!!!!!

 

I personally think, no one can judge a situation until he is in that. I am 30 and never in this situation. I think no one can give you the right advice until he/she passes the same condition.

 

Personally, I think the OP has been given some very helpful advice that she will hopefully be able to learn something from. Helping her to see things from another angle will prove very useful when it comes to future connections.

[Kalika]

I agree with the others. It sounds like you got extremely insecure that you were fooling around with him but he was still logging in to his profile. That being said, no one told you to fool around with him, and 6 dates is not enough time for most adults to know if they want to commit to a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.

 

Honestly, I think you need to look deep into yourself about what it is you're really looking for, and make that very clear from the get go. If you want to have sex, do it. If you don't want to fool around at all, don't. Just stop sending mixed signals.