Fighting no contact again and think I may have PTSD

[Marie83]

I went out of town this weekend tailgating and to wineries with a couple friends from college. It was really helpful, however I ended up making out with a 24 year old and I am almost 33 when I was really intoxicated. It was exciting yet, I have realized I have been using work, the gym, platonic dates and esp alcohol to not feel. I wrote a now 8,000 letter to my ex for therapy (did not send/ was not for that purpose) and I felt something and I think was partly why I drank so much that night and made out with that guy, to help distract or force feelings away. I saw my therapist today and he would say things like "he does not care about you" etc. and it brought up a lot. I could barely read any of the letter maybe a few sentences because I am afraid of being judged or really hearing it all out loud.

 

I looked into his research in PTSD/ alcohol and I have realized I have many of the symptoms of PTSD from this break up/ within the relationship because of all the fighting and lies. I am starting to see how much it has really affected me, my health and my relationships. I have become numb lately with everything to avoid feeling which helps to forget and avoid him. My next assignment is to write how it is to feel numb and how it benefits me. I never knew going through a break up would be so hard. I am afraid to not be numb and realize I still love him or hate him. It is really weird in a way. On a side note, I found out his mentor went to Brown for Postdoc which means that there is always some sort of connection with people within that field which makes it so much harder to open up. For all I know, his mentor and my exes mentor could be best friends and I am supposed to reveal everything. I do not know what to do about that.

[Marie83]

It's been almost 12 days no contact now btw

[j.man]

Like any psychological condition, you'll have about 20 symptoms that everyone has at one point or another, particularly during a vulnerable moment. That's why only professionals can provide a diagnosis. Stop trying to do so yourself. And I'd strongly discourage you from sharing this with other people in real life. I'm sure you're going through a tough time, but there's a real good chance you'll burn some bridges if you go around telling someone who's been raped or experienced a violent catastrophic event that you've got PTSD from a breakup (assuming there wasn't any sort of traumatic abuse going on in the relationship).

 

You're doing a good thing seeing a therapist. Keep it up.

[Marie83]

I was diagnosed with PTSD as a teenager when very traumatic things did happen to me that I will not discuss on the Internet. I was not trying to upset anyone.

[ParisPaulette]

What you're experiencing is the raw pain of a breakup. PTSD is something different, and I say that as someone who has had a professional diagnosis for that as well earlier in life following a very traumatic event. And I've experienced a few breakups, one of them from a guy I knew better than to even try having a relationship with, but I tried for six years regardless.

 

And I will say that there are overlappings of the emotions that both experiences can bring about, sometimes even triggers, but many things in life can do that. And no I don't think one really gets PTSD from a breakup unless there was serious physical or emotional abuse and I'm talking about the kind of abuse and PTSD that is similar to people who have lived in war zones, which is what that type of PTSD is.

 

That said this does not make what you're going through any less painful. It's normal to try to quantify breakups and emotions in terms sometimes just to try and make sense of them. So to that end I do get what and why you are making that comment.

 

I looked at your other posts about this ex and the relationship and so on. And what strikes me over and over throughout your posts is you know he wasn't that into you, that it wasn't even a good relationship, and yet you seem to "need" for this to have been some grand love. And I say that as someone who actually had that same experience. And you might just feel better or at least start to get a handle on things if you stop saying, "oh, but I loved him so much, I never loved anyone else quite like this," and instead started to ask yourself, "Why is it that I feel I need this love and why do I think I can't lose it even though I know it's a bad relationship?"

 

That's where you need to be focusing your attention on. And understand and yes let yourself grieve. You will go through many emotions and ups and downs and you need to give yourself time, more time, love and TLC, and to realize healing isn't a linear thing. There are ups and downs and setbacks and you climb back out of those and move forward.

 

It's heartbreak and it hurts, but it does go away and you do heal from it. And that's what you need to focus on and recover from. I know you weren't making light with the PTSD remarks and as someone who's experienced both I get why you would wonder that given the strong emotions attached to both. But heartache heals a whole lot faster and better than PTSD does.

 

And this is what you need to realize. You will heal from the breakup. Stay NC and move forward.

[MissCanuck]

I went out of town this weekend tailgating and to wineries with a couple friends from college. It was really helpful, however I ended up making out with a 24 year old and I am almost 33 when I was really intoxicated. It was exciting yet, I have realized I have been using work, the gym, platonic dates and esp alcohol to not feel. I wrote a now 8,000 letter to my ex for therapy (did not send/ was not for that purpose) and I felt something and I think was partly why I drank so much that night and made out with that guy, to help distract or force feelings away. I saw my therapist today and he would say things like "he does not care about you" etc. and it brought up a lot. I could barely read any of the letter maybe a few sentences because I am afraid of being judged or really hearing it all out loud.

 

I looked into his research in PTSD/ alcohol and I have realized I have many of the symptoms of PTSD from this break up/ within the relationship because of all the fighting and lies. I am starting to see how much it has really affected me, my health and my relationships. I have become numb lately with everything to avoid feeling which helps to forget and avoid him. My next assignment is to write how it is to feel numb and how it benefits me. I never knew going through a break up would be so hard. I am afraid to not be numb and realize I still love him or hate him. It is really weird in a way. On a side note, I found out his mentor went to Brown for Postdoc which means that there is always some sort of connection with people within that field which makes it so much harder to open up. For all I know, his mentor and my exes mentor could be best friends and I am supposed to reveal everything. I do not know what to do about that.

 

You are connecting dots where there aren't any.

 

I think you are terrified to open up and looking for reasons not to. If he is a good therapist, he will not reveal anything about you to anyone. Why would he report your story to his mentor? And why would his mentor seek out your ex's and tell him everything? These aren't high schoolers. They are professionals in the mental health field. Patient confidentiality is critical, and no offense, but your therapist probably doesn't spend his spare time blabbing about you. If you feel you cannot trust him, you need a different therapist.

 

Also, if you believe you have PTSD symptoms, raise this with your therapist. I think that's not it, though. I think you have deep fears of abandonment and rejection, which amplifies the normal sadness, grief and frustration that come with a breakup.

[richardwright]

It is way too early to tell if you have PTSD or C-PTSD. It'll be much easier to be hard on yourself. The hardest question you can ask when going through this is, "What do I need". I'm still struggling after walking away from my wife of 12 years. It's been a year for me. I have had many of the same feelings, and try to diagnose myself as well. Grieving is the most difficult process I have ever experienced.

[Wiseman2]

Does your therapist think you have PTSD? Does your therapist know you drink excessively to cope? These are things to talk about that he can help you with. Breakups don't cause alcoholism.

 

Therapy is about learning better coping skills not to recover from breakups or stalk and try to fool the therapist by being dishonest and blowing off sessions.

I have realized I have been using alcohol to not feel. I saw my therapist today and he would say things like "he does not care about you" etc.

[Marie83]

Yes, my therapist knows I have been drinking. The only reason I am nervous with any therapist is that I dated one, my ex, who would talk to me about his patients for hours without names. Another reason is that the sessions are filmed. He is a PhD student which was my only option since I do not have many finances since I just graduated and spent so much money on med school apps.

[Marie83]

And thank you all for the advise. I am trying to stay strong with work, gym and drinking some and traveling any chance I get. I know one thing for sure is that I will not date a psychologist again or someone 4 years younger.