Coworker?

[Paranoidhelp]

Hey I'm on here asking about my girlfriend of two years. Hopefully this is the right thread, I am new to enotalone. We just recently moved into our first apartment. She talks to this coworker of hers who asked her to be his girlfriend the day after we became a couple, and I'm starting to feel uneasy about this. She always says how he's a negative jerk, yet can't seem to go a day without talking about him. Whether it's just smack talk or not it's obvious she is around him a lot. He's the type of guy that all the girls like (she tells me this all the time in such a way as "I don't understand why all the girls want him"). I'd like to think its innocent but she makes it a point to tell me how terrible he is every single day. This could be her trying to get me to not worry about him as I've voiced my concerns before. However it's really starting to get to me and it's putting a toll on our relationship. I'm normally not the jealous type but when it's someone who has expressed his feelings toward her (albeit two years ago) it's hard not to be. Am I being ridiculous I guess is the question I'm trying to ask. If not how do I fix this situation and if I am what should I do to ease myself? My actions can't be attractive to her and obviously with this situation it's making me look clingy and weak. I trust her, but for some reason not with this. Is this a wait it out and see type of thing? Am I just over analyzing the situation? thank you.

[qwaspolk82]

Have you ever had a crappy co worker who you talked about? I have had coworkers who irritated me nearly on a daily basis at times.

 

Has she talked about him every day for the last two years? It seems like he's a douche and she can't stand him. Obviously she told him no about dating him. I guess I don't really see the big deal.

[moodindigo91]

If she's talking about him that much, whether or not it's negative, I would be inclined to believe there's something happening. Even if she isn't acting on it, it sounds like she may have some feelings for him, and it sounds like she's jealous about the other girls that "want" him. The fact that she would feel the need to talk about him in order to ease your mind is weird to me.

 

I think you are justified in being angry about it. I understand they are co-workers, where does she work? Does she have to see him on a daily basis or interact with him regularly, like at an office? Or do they work at a place where shifts differ each day and week?

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like she likes to talk about her day at work. Change the subject when this topic comes up. Such as "so what else happened at work today?", "what do you want to do this weekend?", etc. Ignore her chitchat about this.

I'd like to think its innocent but she makes it a point to tell me how terrible he is every single day.

[j.man]

Depends for me. If he's actually doing **** to her every day, I can understand her griping about it. But just noting his existence at work to you will of course get you raising an eyebrow eventually. Further, people generally don't ask someone else to be their girlfriend/boyfriend without at least a few dates under their belt. I'd suspect some history as well.

 

Regardless, whether about a guy at work or a faulty printer, I've never been the type to put up with frequent griping on the same subject. Learn to deal or find someplace else.

[Paranoidhelp]

I've had that thought too. I guess it's just the fact that they seem to work the same shifts and they're both supervisors so they spend a lot of time together. Yes it's been almost every day, even days she doesn't work she'll go on a rant about him. I guess maybe I feel some type of way because even if I hate my coworkers I try not to talk about them because it brings me down in my daily life. Thank you for your response.

[Paranoidhelp]

If she's talking about him that much, whether or not it's negative, I would be inclined to believe there's something happening. Even if she isn't acting on it, it sounds like she may have some feelings for him, and it sounds like she's jealous about the other girls that "want" him. The fact that she would feel the need to talk about him in order to ease your mind is weird to me.

 

I think you are justified in being angry about it. I understand they are co-workers, where does she work? Does she have to see him on a daily basis or interact with him regularly, like at an office? Or do they work at a place where shifts differ each day and week?

 

She works retail so the shifts differ but they're both supervisors and typically work together every day. It's weird to me too, thanks for your response.

[Paranoidhelp]

Depends for me. If he's actually doing **** to her every day, I can understand her griping about it. But just noting his existence at work to you will of course get you raising an eyebrow eventually. Further, people generally don't ask someone else to be their girlfriend/boyfriend without at least a few dates under their belt. I'd suspect some history as well.

 

Regardless, whether about a guy at work or a faulty printer, I've never been the type to put up with frequent griping on the same subject. Learn to deal or find someplace else.

 

This is the first concern since we started dating it's just the fact it's annongoing one... But I think you're right. I just need to learn how to deal, if something ever happens I guess I can say "I told you so" thanks for your reply

[moodindigo91]

See, I've worked in all sorts of positions, and I've had very crappy co-workers. But I've never spent THAT much time bit**ing about ONE of them, let alone one that has expressed feelings for me in the past. And if her bit**ing includes things about how she can't understand how other girls want him, it has literally nothing to do with work.

 

If she was bit**ing only about his work ethic, or something like that, I would be more inclined to agree with the other posters. As a woman, though, given the way she talks about him and how often, I think it's weird. My guess is if you tried to change the subject when she brings it up, as Wiseman suggested, she would find a way to circle back to him. That's just my opinion.

[DancingFool]

....or he is a d bag and she hates his guts and she is just venting.....

 

Change topics or when tired of listening, ask her what she plans to do about it. I would bet you'll get a deer in headlights look, because she isn't really thinking, she is venting and actually doing it with you because she feels close to you, kind of like bonding without realizing that you are not her girlfriend and to you this is more like a root canal.

[Paranoidhelp]

See, I've worked in all sorts of positions, and I've had very crappy co-workers. But I've never spent THAT much time bit**ing about ONE of them, let alone one that has expressed feelings for me in the past. And if her bit**ing includes things about how she can't understand how other girls want him, it has literally nothing to do with work.

 

If she was bit**ing only about his work ethic, or something like that, I would be more inclined to agree with the other posters. As a woman, though, given the way she talks about him and how often, I think it's weird. My guess is if you tried to change the subject when she brings it up, as Wiseman suggested, she would find a way to circle back to him. That's just my opinion.

 

She does circle back eventually even if it's just a final comment on the matter. Thank you for your response, it's reassuring to know I'm not the only one who thinks its weird.

[j.man]

Just tell her you don't want to hear her *****ing. Well... use nicer words.

 

No one likes hearing the same thing or person being complained about on a daily basis. Try to change the subject without being an ass about it. If she persists, you may have to start asking yourself some hard questions.

 

You're speaking to one of the big reasons I strongly believe in cohabitation before marriage (not to spark a debate). She apparently makes little to no effort to internalize and resolve her work stresses when she comes home. If it ends up that she can't or won't, is that a life you want to subject yourself to?

[Paranoidhelp]

....or he is a d bag and she hates his guts and she is just venting.....

 

Change topics or when tired of listening, ask her what she plans to do about it. I would bet you'll get a deer in headlights look, because she isn't really thinking, she is venting and actually doing it with you because she feels close to you, kind of like bonding without realizing that you are not her girlfriend and to you this is more like a root canal.

 

I think it's important to add that it's not always smack talk. Maybe his name just stands out to me because of my paranoia, but one instance in particular sticks out to me. That instance being one day they were in the break room and she was talking to someone else and he comes up with this bulge in his pants that her coworker noticed and pointed out, she then proceeded to tell me how gross it was that he had a large penis (I guess that's word around work) thanks for your response.

[Paranoidhelp]

Just tell her you don't want to hear her *****ing. Well... use nicer words.

 

No one likes hearing the same thing or person being complained about on a daily basis. Try to change the subject without being an ass about it. If she persists, you may have to start asking yourself some hard questions.

 

You're speaking to one of the big reasons I strongly believe in cohabitation before marriage (not to spark a debate). She apparently makes little to no effort to internalize and resolve her work stresses when she comes home. If it ends up that she can't or won't, is that a life you want to subject yourself to?

 

We are both young and learning how to deal with being an adult. Life is twice as stressful as it was when we first started dating, so I understand her lack of resolve. She tends to be good about it but I guess that's another reason why I worry about this situation so much.

[DancingFool]

I think it's important to add that it's not always smack talk. Maybe his name just stands out to me because of my paranoia, but one instance in particular sticks out to me. That instance being one day they were in the break room and she was talking to someone else and he comes up with this bulge in his pants that her coworker noticed and pointed out, she then proceeded to tell me how gross it was that he had a large penis (I guess that's word around work) thanks for your response.

 

lol....yeah as you said you guys are young and she is talking to you like to a girlfriend..... Sorry but you are going to actually explain to her and educate her about the fact that she needs a filter on certain things when talking to her bf. Not in a lecturing way, but more of a just "listen, not interested in some guy's junk, k babe? Maybe keep that to yourself. Thanks and now I need a shower, kind of feeling gross." Make a joke of it, but....stick to not letting her carry on.

[Paranoidhelp]

lol....yeah as you said you guys are young and she is talking to you like to a girlfriend..... Sorry but you are going to actually explain to her and educate her about the fact that she needs a filter on certain things when talking to her bf. Not in a lecturing way, but more of a just "listen, not interested in some guy's junk, k babe? Maybe keep that to yourself. Thanks and now I need a shower, kind of feeling gross." Make a joke of it, but....stick to not letting her carry on.

 

That's a good way of putting it actually. that's exactly how I handled the situation, almost word for word. Haven't heard about his junk since haha.

[Wolfshook]

I understood her talking about him as an ahole,but then remembered you wrote "she is talking TO him"... and this sounds not so good.

[DancingFool]

Keep it simple for yourself. If she wanted to be with him, she would be. Instead she is with you, not only but actually moved in with you. Instead of being jealous and insecure, which is actually destructive to your relationship, focus on being a good man and making your relationship awesome. Remember to keep things fresh, don't get into a rut of same old same old watching Netflix every single Friday night. Remember to surprise each other, keep going out on dates, doing fun things together. When your relationship is strong and good like that, no d bag is ever going to step into it even if he tries. You can't control what some d bag does or wants, that's just not possible. Control what you actually can - being an awesome fun bf she wouldn't dream of losing or ever living without.

[Paranoidhelp]

Keep it simple for yourself. If she wanted to be with him, she would be. Instead she is with you, not only but actually moved in with you. Instead of being jealous and insecure, which is actually destructive to your relationship, focus on being a good man and making your relationship awesome. Remember to keep things fresh, don't get into a rut of same old same old watching Netflix every single Friday night. Remember to surprise each other, keep going out on dates, doing fun things together. When your relationship is strong and good like that, no d bag is ever going to step into it even if he tries. You can't control what some d bag does or wants, that's just not possible. Control what you actually can - being an awesome fun bf she wouldn't dream of losing or ever living without.

 

Thank you, that is the greatest advice I've gotten revolving around this situation. Maybe I am keeping things dull due to all the stress. She isn't the type to just leave someone either. Thank you.

[missrepressed]

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