Need to vent

[qwaspolk82]

Another thread made me want to post this even more. I was already thinking about it.

 

As mentioned in another post - I divorced my ex a year ago. I got back together with him not long after it was finalized after he went to rehab and was in a halfway house. I should have stayed away but he seemed super serious about sobriety. Then came the relapse in March after he got arrested. Then my stupidity in bailing him out. Then he did a month in jail for stealing my car and breaking a window in jail. Two weeks after he got out there, he had to go back because where his probation is they filed to revoke it. He sat there for two weeks. They kicked him back on probation until this case is done.

 

The case has been postponed like three times. Now it is in December. I want this crap done so I can get my money back. There have been a few times he couldn't find a ride to court (so he says) so I took him because if he doesn't go, I lose out quite a bit of money. As long as he makes all his dates I get it back.

 

Well for some stupid reason in September I let him come down for a weekend. I think it was for court or maybe to get him to probation. I told him it was just temporary. He was kind of homeless too. Ultimately he's spent a couple weeks at my house because of court dates and probation over the last month or so.

 

I have told him that the only way we can ever actually be together would be he stays sober, he has a job he shows me he can be an adult and take care of himself without me. "Yeah yeah" I basically get. Yeah I stupidly slept with him a few times in the last month.

 

He got out of jail last week for a probation violation. I brought him back down because I took him to court and then he had to go to jail in the town I live. I picked him up and his ex let him have the kids this last weekend. So we did that. But I told him we can't do this because it's just going to confuse them. So then she picked them up so I didn't want to waste gas and time in the car with my daughter so I said he could stay this week but I'm going back to my dad's so I will drop him off up at his mom's or wherever (it's 2 1/2 hours away). Sun night he said he was going to a friend's house. Friend picked him up and dropped him off. He came back drunk. Yesterday he messages me at work and asks if I'm upset. I said hell yeah I am. You came back drunk, woke up our daughter and kept her up for a little bit. He said yeah it won't happen again. I said it better not this week but you're going back up to your mom's this weekend anyway. This is exactly why.

 

So he gets all "Oh so you're done with me? You don't love me. Fine I won't stay where I'm not wanted. Just take me back now." I said no I'm not going up there until Friday so call your mom. He's staying until Friday. Which fine. I don't mind him around but I made it clear we aren't back together.

 

He asid well I feel if you love someone you want them around all the time. I said there's more to a relationship than love and honestly, I feel like you use me. I said if you want me then you need to be a partner and someone I can depend on. You haven't shown that yet. He didn't say anymore about it.

 

I know I should have never brought him to my place. It was a bad idea. I thought it would be one weekend. But then court dates get moved and now he just has one left in December with this trial. Then that's done. Actually part of me hopes he gets found guilty. I still don't think he did it based on the case file and witness statements but it would be 4 years he's gone. One year for each count minimum, 23 months underlying for probation. I don't think he should got to prison for something he didn't do but he doesn't learn. There's a chance he could have been an accomplice even if he didn't directly rob this store.

 

I'm just really tired of it and he doesn't get it. Sometimes I tell him I see why his other ex wife gets pissed off at him. She's remarried now so at least she has help. I'm taking care of our child who has medical issues who is about to go on dialysis in a couple weeks and he doesn't really seem to care. I think he cares and I know he loves all his kids. But he likes to be the "fun parent." The only way he's been the fun parent is me. He did pay for some stuff by donating plasma. But he wants to transfer probation back to my county and I'm like you won't live here if you do! I can't babysit you anymore. I won't do it.

 

I almost texted him back yesterday on the way to get our daughter that when he says "oh I thought you loved me" and all the crap he said he was gaslighting me but I didn't want to explain that to him.

 

I told him I'm going up to my dad's Friday. He is going with and I am dropping him off at his mom's or his friends and he needs to get a job and start helping. Whether he does I don't care. I'm used to not getting help but it would be nice. It would be nice for him to at least be supportive of our daughter's stuff. Oh I guess he said "I want to be here for her." I said no you don't. I told him he can't live with us. I don't trust him. He hasn't proven he can be responsible. It's exhausting. He got pissy on text but oh well. He's lucky I let him stay here and he's lucky I even talk to him. Or let him see her at all. I don't leave her alone with him for more than a few minutes. Only to go to the bathroom or take a shower. I don't think he would ever hurt her and right now he's sober (at least not using drugs). But he goes to his friend's house and comes back drunk? Really?

 

I know I just have to keep him away. I can't let him weasel his way back in like he's already gotten a couple weeks out of me. He has to get it together on his own. I have to take my own advice I give out on here.

[FreedomRing]

You're a walking contradiction. Why on earth did you sleep with him a " few" times? Once? Ok....a few? Sorry, but it's no surprise he's irresponsible and not changing. You're enabling his behavior. Less about him...more about you..why can't you cut him off completely?

[catfeeder]

Sorry, but I can't keep reading this. I'd forfeit the money as tuition paid for an important lesson learned, and I'd break ALL ties with the guy. Period.

[qwaspolk82]

Yes I know that I am. I don't know just for fun was all I did that. I wasn't wanting to get back together with him and I told him that.

 

I had cut him off. Then these court dates came up and I said well come for one weekend. I figured he'd end up in prison but of course his damn court dates keep getting pushed. This last time because the county sheriff wouldn't spend the money to get him while he was in jail.

 

We have a kid so he's going to be in my life somewhat until she's 19. He's going home Friday or wherever he's going to stay and then he's not coming back. I don't have time for him with all the stuff with our daughter coming up. I'm not going to be visiting up the hometown area for quite some time because of those issues.

 

I don't know why I can't completely get over him. Every time I think I do there's something that draws us back together. I'm probably just a raging idiot.

 

I honestly don't want a relationship with anyone right now. I don't have the time for it. I don't have the patience for it. I really think I'm just better off single and not with anyone. I've always been independent.

 

There's always this tiny sliver in the back of my head (or well my heart I guess) that says "oh he might change" but I usually beat it down and say No he won't.

 

I just thought one last time before he went to prison and it turned into more. Also I'm just too damn nice of a person and help people even when I shouldn't. Not just him but family I've even helped and have screwed me over.

[Seraphim]

We have a kid - so he's going to be around until she's 19 (age of majority where I live).

 

He will be around a whole hell of a lot longer than that . He will be there for weddings , her kids being born if she has them . Etc etc. I am 50 next month and my mom still can't ditch the idiot because she listens to me cry and complain and moan ( and has to hear the same from my brother ) about what a dyck my dad is . Hence he is never gone . So the guy is never gone when your kid turns 19

[qwaspolk82]

He will be around a whole hell of a lot longer than that . He will be there for weddings , her kids being born if she has them . Etc etc. I am 50 next month and my mom still can't ditch the idiot because she listens to me cry and complain and moan ( and has to hear the same from my brother ) about what a dyck my dad is . Hence he is never gone . So the guy is never gone when your kid turns 19

 

Not unless he ODs or get shot by some drug dealer he gets over on. I'm surprised he hasn't yet. He very well could end up in prison for four years in December. Maybe, maybe not. Either way I already told him he's not coming back to live. If he wants to move to this town to be closer to our daughter he can. But he's not living with us. But he won't. The two with his ex wife are his favorite (mostly the youngest son). And if I can't get an extension here at this unit I'll be leaving in 2018 to who knows where.

 

And that's up to her about wedding (if she has one) or asks him to be there if she has kids. I'm not looking at that with her medical issues - I take everything one day at a time. I hope she makes it to being a teenager, to college, wedding, job, etc.

 

I'm not going to badmouth him in front of or around her. I'll let her make her own decisions. Just like his other kids have about him. They love him but they don't' like the things he's done. I talk to his daughter sometimes. She'll call me. I don't talk about his stuff then either. I just tell her to talk to her dad about it.

 

If my daughter comes to me and complains about her dad someday I'll just tell her that's how he is and she can't do anything about it. Again I hope she makes it. She should but she has to get a kidney transplant. She's about to go on dialysis in 3 weeks. So far I match her but I'm the only one taking care of her so her doctors and I agreed I can't risk me being incapacitated if I donate. I didn't get done with all of the screening yet. Her dad - I told him don't bother. Her doctor said don't bother getting tested the time and amount of drugs and alcohol he has done. I've been posting and posting to find a living donor but she will go on the list. Waiting game. Primary concern.

 

I know I shouldn't have let him around at all. I was stupid. I am stupid with him. I thought one weekend wouldn't be a big deal but I should've known the damn trial would get pushed again and all that.

 

I've got 8 years left in the Army. After that I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm moving. Depends on the job I get by then. Thought about moving near family but not super close but not sure. If he does go to prison she might forget him I don't know. If he doesn't and he at least does what he needs to as her father, then he can see her. If he does the parenting class and gets visitation then I have to let him see her. I can't do anything about that right now.

 

I just know that I was an idiot. He has to go back up there and stay and I have to stand my ground and not let him back in and that if he wants to co-parent we can but that's it.

[Seraphim]

I am saying you will be hearing about him through her . She will always have questions and feelings about him no matter what happens. You can tell people there's nothing you can do so don't worry and don't worry about it but feelings don't work like that as you know . If you have a child with someone they are with you for life.

 

I sincerely hope you find a donor kidney for your daughter .

[catfeeder]

We have a kid - so he's going to be around until she's 19 (age of majority where I live). Also no I'm getting that money back.

 

Then seeing legal aid is your best move, if you're not so enamored with all the drama that you're interested, instead, in turning your own focus around to start making smart decisions. If not for yourself, then maybe for your daughter?

[qwaspolk82]

Then seeing legal aid is your best move, if you're not so enamored with all the drama that you're interested, instead, in turning your own focus around to start making smart decisions. If not for yourself, then maybe for your daughter?

 

What does legal aid have to do with this? I can't cut all ties with him when we have a daughter. I can stay away from him in the aspect of sex and so on yes. A lawyer can't help me with getting bail money back. I have to wait until the case is done and completed for the money to get returned (less 10%). So when he couldn't find anyone to give him a ride I did it because if he didn't show up for court there it goes.

 

I already said I know it was stupid to bail him out and I wish I hadn't done it.

 

I have been making smart decisions and guess what? My daughter is my priority. All I have done for the last two years is take care of her and go to work. Since the divorce even that is all I do. I finally in March got respite care set up so that I could go work out three times a week since I have to be in shape being in the military. That's the only time I get to myself. Everything that I do is for her.

 

I screwed up letting him come down yes. I admit that. It's not going to happen again. I knew it was a bad idea to post on here. Not sure why I did but I thought it would get ignored like several other posts of mine have been.

[qwaspolk82]

Admin - I think we can just go ahead and close this thread. It has run its course and there isn't any valuable information being submitted. All that is going to happen is weird back and forth. I just needed to vent. I thought it would be ignored and it wasn't. Lesson learned. Thanks for the advice but if any admins see this I would recommend closing the thread.

[Hermes]

Qwas.

 

I just want to wish your daughter well. And sicnerely hope the donor turns up very soon.

 

"She should but she has to get a kidney transplant. She's about to go on dialysis in 3 weeks. So far I match her but I'm the only one taking care of her so her doctors and I agreed I can't risk me being incapacitated if I donate. I didn't get done with all of the screening yet. Her dad - I told him don't bother. Her doctor said don't bother getting tested the time and amount of drugs and alcohol he has done. I've been posting and posting to find a living donor but she will go on the list. Waiting game. Primary concern. "

 

Brother of a friend of mine (such good news) got a new kidney a couple of weeks ago.

 

It will happen Qwas.

[Seraphim]

Have you thought of a journal in the journal section? Many of us have one for the things that ail us.

[qwaspolk82]

Have you thought of a journal in the journal section? Many of us have one for the things that ail us.

 

I didn't notice that section. Thank you for the info.

[qwaspolk82]

Qwas.

 

I just want to wish your daughter well. And sicnerely hope the donor turns up very soon.

 

"She should but she has to get a kidney transplant. She's about to go on dialysis in 3 weeks. So far I match her but I'm the only one taking care of her so her doctors and I agreed I can't risk me being incapacitated if I donate. I didn't get done with all of the screening yet. Her dad - I told him don't bother. Her doctor said don't bother getting tested the time and amount of drugs and alcohol he has done. I've been posting and posting to find a living donor but she will go on the list. Waiting game. Primary concern. "

 

Brother of a friend of mine (such good news) got a new kidney a couple of weeks ago.

 

It will happen Qwas.

 

I just can't figure out how to get it to go viral. I have 200+ friends on Facebook and they mostly all post a lot of other stuff but only a few share the links I post for her page or how to be a donor. My sister in law got tested but she can't do it. They told her the history of diabetes in her family is too big of a risk and she's a bit overweight so she'd have to lose weight if not for the diabetes part. At least she tried. I won't know if anyone else does unless they tell me they do. The hospital won't tell me who applies or who the eventual donor even is.

 

I've been seeing more and more stories of people (older people) getting kidneys. One a daughter used social media and found one. I'll just have to try other avenues I suppose. One of my old journalism teachers said she might talk to some people she knows at the paper or a couple local channels.

[Seraphim]

Have you tried the local news station? It is really hard to get transplants so I understand . My dad is on dialysis right now but he doesn't qualify for transplant . He did intially ask me for one of my kidneys. I had to say no though because I have my own disabled child to raise .

[Hermes]

Qwas.

 

I don't know where you are, but here, for example, we have

 

The BKPA

 

www.britishkidney-pa.co.uk/

 

and a number of other kidney patient associations.

 

www.kidney.org.uk/advocacy-service/

 

Maybe something similar where you are

 

 

[qwaspolk82]

Have you tried the local news station? It is really hard to get transplants so I understand . My dad is on dialysis right now but he doesn't qualify for transplant . He did intially ask me for one of my kidneys. I had to say no though because I have my own disabled child to raise .

 

A friend of mine who was one of my communications professors in college is going to talk to some people she knows who she used to work with at different local stations.

[qwaspolk82]

Qwas.

 

I don't know where you are, but here, for example, we have

 

The BKPA

 

www.britishkidney-pa.co.uk/

 

and a number of other kidney patient associations.

 

www.kidney.org.uk/advocacy-service/

 

Maybe something similar where you are

 

 

 

I'm in the US and she gets seen by one of the best transplant centers and has a great team of doctors. I did see that letter thing somewhere.

 

I just don't know if anyone has filled out the application to get tested because they have to tell me. Like I didn't know my sister in law filled out the application until two weeks ago when she told me and I've posted this link for almost a year on my daughter's page. The medical center won't tell me who applies or who is the eventual donor due to HIPPA (HIPAA? can't remember how the acronym goes right now).

 

I'm going to reach out to some military pages because I've seen the admins on those post for living donors for others. Some AD soldier got a kidney from another soldier from one page.

[Hermes]

Qwas.

 

I hope a donor appears, truly. It is an agonising wait.

 

No, they cannot tell you who applies, although if it were a family member of yours (cousin, niece, nephew etc) you'd know of course.

 

It is no wonder that people/patients go down the road of seeking to "buy" a kidney abroad.