Monet1221 Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 Hi, , I am not sure if I am posting in the right place but nothing on the Internet seems to help me. I met this amazing guy and we hit it off so fast. Everything felt easy and comfortable. From the first day he told me he was currently in recovery, about 4 months at the time. He was also newly divorced and he told me he can't do relationships or feelings because his only focus is his recovery. So we stayed friends, friendship turned into hours of talking. We live 2800 miles apart so long distance made things slow down but get things got serious fast. We connected and everything was easy and healthy. It was the first healthy relationship I ever had. We both were on same page. I knew he couldn't be too serious because the number one rule of recovery is no relationships but of course we thought we were different. We thought as long as he was being smart and healthy we were ok. Then after 2 months we had our first argument, was a bit intense and his mind right away went to dark places. The whole thing lasted 10 minutes and that was it. But later when we discussed it, he said he didn't like how dark his mind went and how he felt the need for a pill or a drink in that moment. Then he said he realized why you're not allowed to be in relationships for a year after recovery. And no matter how he feels, he can't be in a relationship. He can't risk his sobriety. He said it's life or death for him and it's not his first time getting clean. He cares about me a lot, I don't doubt that. We arw trying to stay friends because our connection is that strong that we both don't wanna lose it just because we can't be in a relationship. I am wondering if I am making a mistake being friends. Everyone says you can't be friends with an ex but I feel that because he is focusing on recovery and because we didn't end bec he wanted to or I wanted to... And we are long distance, maybe this situation isn't typical. People say no such thing as bad timing, it's just the wrong person. But again this is quite a unique situation as his reasons were solely because he can't risk his sobriety or his life... I would appreciate any advice from anyone about this. I feel like my heart is broken. Like I met the right person at the right time. Then a part of me feels like I am being naive. Like shouldnt he have fought to be with me? Could he have even? Any advice is appreciated. I don't feel anyone gets it because they're not in recovery and I am Not either but I have seen what he deals with... I know everyone says don't be friends with an ex but this situation is soo different. He broke up with bec he had to for his sobriety, not because he wanted to. He still cares about me a lot and wants to stay close friends. Our connection is unreal. He always says he feels like he knows me 10 years Link to comment
kbbcoop77 Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 How is a relationship a healthy one 2800 miles apart? And he's newly divorced and in recovery!? Find someone closer and that's really available Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 Have you ever met in person? How did you come across each other, being 2800 mi. apart? Unfortunately you are not on the same page on many levels. It sounds like he just wants someone to talk to about his divorce and his recovery, however he should be talking to sobriety groups, councilors etc.It would be best to take his advice and leave him alone to recover,divorce etc. Do not let him blame you for any urges he has. He sounds quite unhealthy and so does your involvement with him. Cut him off and get on dating apps to meet local available guys without this many issues. he was currently in recovery, about 4 months at the time. He was also newly divorced and he told me he can't do relationships or feelings because his only focus is his recovery. We live 2800 miles apart so long distance made things slow down but get things got serious fast. he can't be in a relationship. He can't risk his sobriety. Link to comment
Monet1221 Posted October 25, 2016 Author Share Posted October 25, 2016 Maybe I wasn't totally clear. We live on different coasts but he comes in once a month and I flew out there so we saw each other every other week. We spoke for hours on a deep level. He has issues because he is in recovery but everyone has baggage. I am also divorced so the newly divorced thing doesn't bother me that much... It was a healthy relationship because we always dealt with things I the right way. We didn't fight, we connected and we were always there for each other no matter what. This wasn't him looking for comfort. He already had his rebound thing after his divorce.... This was much deeper than that. We connected, finished each other sentences... Feels like I Met the right guy at the wrong time. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 Unfortunately he insists that he doesn't want to or can't be in a relationship. If you want to stay friends that's up to you. he said he didn't like how dark his mind went and how he felt the need for a pill or a drink in that moment. And no matter how he feels, he can't be in a relationship. He can't risk his sobriety. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted October 26, 2016 Share Posted October 26, 2016 I'd tell him that I can envision the two of us together again in the future, and that's why I won't cross into playing friendzies. As much as I can appreciate his needs, I need to look out for myself as well, and that's why I need a clean break while we both still think highly of one another. If he ever decides that he would like to pursue a relationship with me, he can let me know, and if I'm still available, we can meet to catch up. Meanwhile, I wish him nothing but the best. Period. End of contact. No manipulations or persuasions. I'd trust that if it's meant to be, it will be. If not, it's better that I learn that early. Head high. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted October 26, 2016 Share Posted October 26, 2016 Fighting an addiction isn't just "baggage". For addicts, it can be a life or death struggle. He's right, he is not at a place in his life where he's ready for a relationship. Link to comment
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