Jamesonr91 Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 I'm new on asking for advice or help but getting desperate. My girlfriends heart is broken because of me and I need advice on how to fix things. Her only dream is to be married and for her birthday we went on a nice trip and I realized at the wrong time this would have been the perfect time to purpose, but I didn't. She spent the trip crying because it's all she wanted. Of course I want to be married to her but I've been so focused on work and keeping food on the table it's not my first priority. Now I feel like if I ask her to marry me it will seem forced. But I just want her to be happy. Any advice is appreciated. Link to comment
Hermes Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 What's this desperation of hers about getting married. "Her only dream is to be married". "She spent the trip crying because it's all she wanted" Link to comment
Doc Blaze Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 This her dream is to be married thing makes me nervous would not be rushed into marrying someone like that I know girls who dreams were to be married and if one guy didn't step up, they always found someone else. nothing wrong with marriage, for the right reasons. Link to comment
Hermes Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 Precisely doc. "nothing wrong with marriage, for the right reasons." Desperation is something else entirely. Link to comment
Jamesonr91 Posted October 25, 2016 Author Share Posted October 25, 2016 I'm not sure it's just what she wants. The same way I want to be successful. She definitely deserves it Link to comment
Hermes Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 So, what else does she want out of lfie. we need more details. Of course, what you want in life and what you get are all too often too different things. How do you measure success? Link to comment
Jamesonr91 Posted October 25, 2016 Author Share Posted October 25, 2016 I guess a little more background. We have a daughter together and been through some rough times with a lot of moving around. She stuck with me being an alcoholic and got me through it making me a better person. Sometimes we went hungry and she was still by my side. That's what makes me believe it's not desperation and it might be just me. Link to comment
Hermes Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 So, what are you two going to do? Can you now offer a more stable life-style, house, food on the table, on a permanent basis? Does she have a job as well? Have you addressed your alcoholism? The fact that she spent an entire trip in tears does not sound good. How long have you been together? Link to comment
gibbsjoan85 Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 how old is the girl anyway? Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 If you don't want to marry you need to say so rather than string her along. She's crying because in her mind she may have to end it, since she's done all this for you and you won't commit to her. I want to be married to her but I've been so focused on work and keeping food on the table it's not my first priority.We have a daughter together and been through some rough times with a lot of moving around. She stuck with me being an alcoholic and got me through it making me a better person. Sometimes we went hungry and she was still by my side. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 Is she putting food on the table? Link to comment
Hermes Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 " Any advice is appreciated." So, Jameson....? Where do you see this situation going? Link to comment
Jamesonr91 Posted October 25, 2016 Author Share Posted October 25, 2016 I'm 25 and she's 24 we've been together for four years. We both work but I'm just not where I want to be between work and going to school and just barely making enough to pay bills and take care our daughter. I do want to get married but it's not as big of a deal to me as it is to her considering I already wanted to be with her forever. And yes I quit drinking and started being healthy. Link to comment
Hermes Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 Glad to hear you are both at college and working. Congrats on quitting the drinking. I feel you are doing your best. I think a sit-down conversation is required, Jameson, where you make it as clear as you can what you have just said to us on here. Ask her exactly WHY she wants to get married. Any chance her family might be pressuring her. It happens. Link to comment
Jamesonr91 Posted October 25, 2016 Author Share Posted October 25, 2016 No the exact opposite really. Her mom is divorced three times and she never had a dad figure so I think that's got a lot to do with it. In some way I think she feels like she needs to have the perfect marriage because of what she went through. Link to comment
kbbcoop77 Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 You already have a kid and both work and seem like you've cleared some hurdles..why not get married if that's what you both ultimately want? It's not going to feel forced now...you're already going to be attached with the kid may as well make it official if you love each other and there's no cheating Link to comment
Hermes Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 "Her mom is divorced three times and she never had a dad figure so I think that's got a lot to do with it. In some way I think she feels like she needs to have the perfect marriage because of what she went through." I think you're right. That is no doubt that is at the heart of the matter. She feels insecure, and no wonder, with that kind of a family background. But, insecurity and fear is no good basis for proceeding into a marriage. Even if you got married tomorrow, those insecurities and fears will follow with her into the marriage, and will surface in other ways and scenarios. Perhaps it would help her to talk to someone else, objectively, not you. Yes? Link to comment
Jamesonr91 Posted October 25, 2016 Author Share Posted October 25, 2016 Well everyone she talks to is getting married so that's not helping. I feel like I'm being rushed and I need the time to save up for a ring and plan it out. But ever sense the trip on Friday it's been non stop arguing. She says all I focus on is work and the bills, which is true because I like to survive. But I do feel like I'm still making the time for my family. Link to comment
Hermes Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 "Well everyone she talks to is getting married so that's not helping. " I suspected as much. IMO you are doing your best. "She says all I focus on is work and the bills, which is true because I like to survive. But I do feel like I'm still making the time for my family." Non-stop arguing is very bad. I can only advise that you don't engage in the arguing. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 I'm 25 and she's 24 we've been together for four years. We both work but I'm just not where I want to be between work and going to school and just barely making enough to pay bills and take care our daughter. I do want to get married but it's not as big of a deal to me as it is to her considering I already wanted to be with her forever. And yes I quit drinking and started being healthy. For all means and purposes you are married, in a way more so than many couples, given what you two have gone through and the fact that you have a child. She wants a formal legal commitment, aka marriage, and she is right to want it. Sounds like you want it too. There are good reasons behind it as well, since you are parents and are already a family. In your case, aside from certain legal rights, like being able to visit you in the hospital if you were to get into a car accident tomorrow, your life isn't going to change. You will still need to continue to pursue your goals, support each other, put food on the table for your child. Marriage is not some magical thing that you do when all is in place in your life and then you just retire. Doesn't work like that. It's a journey and you will continue to encounter storms along the way. What you have going for you is that you both know you will weather them, unlike many others. Personally, I think you need to quit beating around the bush waiting for some perfect moment (you'll be 90 and still waiting), propose, continue with your lives. If you don't, eventually she will leave you and find some other guy who will be all in and not waiting for something that's not possible to achieve. Link to comment
Jamesonr91 Posted October 25, 2016 Author Share Posted October 25, 2016 If I don't argue than I'm considered ignoring the situation. I have nightmares at night and anxiety throughout the day thinking about her being that hurt. She thinks I'm blowing off the situation but I'm really just not good at communicating. I feel like either failing at home or failing at work and can't balance it out. Link to comment
Hermes Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 Look Jameson. Best you can do is tell her that yes, you are going to get married, get her an engagement ring, and see if you can decide on a date. You can also make it quite clear that you cannot have (because of the finances as you describe) a razzamatazz type wedding. You aren't failing, not that I can see. The thing is. Does she want to get married for the right reasons? Not just because Mary-Elizabeth, shirley and Anna are telling her. Link to comment
Jamesonr91 Posted October 25, 2016 Author Share Posted October 25, 2016 If it means that much to her than I'll make it happen when I can. I know we'll make it through this because of everything else we have endured and there's been a lot more good times than bad. It's just painful for me to see her in pain. I really appreciate all the input I'm not used to talking to people about my problems Link to comment
Hermes Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 "I really appreciate all the input I'm not used to talking to people about my problems" That's what we are here for...! Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 That's the key thing you are missing. It's A BIG Deal To HER. I do want to get married but it's not as big of a deal to me as it is to her Link to comment
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