Marshmallows Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 I'm new to this site and need some advise about the guy I'm seeing- we'll call him Bob.. Bob and I have been best friends for 10 years and there's always been something more between us. About 5 years ago we acted on that "something" and have been dating on and off since. I've always wanted to be an official couple. I love Bob and I wanted to start our lives together. But we always seemed to have bad timing. We could never really seem to get our lives on the same page. A couple of months ago I gave him an ultimatum. I told Bob I couldn't keep doing it anymore - we needed to be all in as a serious couple or I needed to lose contact with him and move on. We've been through so much and our lives are so intertwined but we were going in circles. Never really committing to each other. He turned me down stating he feels like he needs a change and he is not sure I am where he is supposed to be right now. It was very painful to hear because I love Bob so much I would have been ready to spend the rest of my life with him if he'd asked. In the past couple months we have tried staying away from each other, but at this point it seems impossible. We keep coming back to each other. A couple of days ago Bob sat me down and gave me a choice 1. We officially become a couple and start moving toward spending our lives together. Or 2. We really finally end things and to make it harder to see each other and a more successful break, he will move out of town. He stated to him it doesn't matter which option I choose he will respect whatever I decide. He says maybe he has been making a mistake by not being together. I have always told him that we would be good together if we really finally would just give it a chance and he isn't sure why he has been fighting it this long. Maybe I could be right. We are both getting older. Watching our friends and families moving on with their lives. And we just seem stuck unable to move forward. This is not the romantic gesture I always thought I'd get when a man I loved proposed the option of moving forward with our lives. I am not sure how to take it. I know he loves me but there are just so many mixed signals. Part of me feels like after all this time I have to say yes and give it a shot in order to not being wondering "what if" for the rest of my life. But another part of me is a little upset it's taken this long for him to be willing to commit. And I don't think settling is necessarily a bad thing I just don't want him to resent us because we chose the "easier" option. Sorry this is such a long rant. I hope my story makes sense. I just feel a little lost in this decision. He is kind and sweet and funny and he knows me in and out. He'd never hurt me and I know he'd be good to me. He's the best man I've ever known. Up until this point I've always known what I've wanted from him, but now that I can have it I'm hesitating.. Link to comment
SherrySher Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 You're hesitating because you are his only choice right now and he is settling. He had the chance to be with you properly ages ago and didn't want to. Now a days, he's giving it the old sigh, and saying..."Yeah okay might as well..." and you're right, who wants that? There is a very good chance he will become bored very quickly and somewhat resentful. You've done well on being friends, why keep pushing it to be more when this man clearly was not interested and only is now because he feels there are little options left and feels pressured? It's no wonder you aren't jumping for joy...who would? Your gut instinct is speaking to you very loud and clear. You love him, he's not so much in love, though he does see you as a good friend and support. I suggest you let it go and stay friends. Btw, when he said "it doesn't matter which one you choose"...I think that's a clear indication that he's not bothered either way. That should tell you something right there. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 Unfortunately "dating on and off x 5 yrs" is indeed going in circles. What type of commitment are you looking for? Exclusive dating? Engagement? Living together? How old is Bob? About 5 years ago we acted on that "something" and have been dating on and off since.. He turned me down stating he feels like he needs a change and he is not sure I am where he is supposed to be right now. A couple of days ago Bob sat me down and gave me a choice 1. We officially become a couple and start moving toward spending our lives together. Or 2. We really finally end things and to make it harder to see each other and a more successful break, he will move out of town. Link to comment
Marshmallows Posted October 25, 2016 Author Share Posted October 25, 2016 Thank you for your replies! We currently live alone -separately. 2 blocks from each other. I am looking for a long term exclusive relationship. The plan would be us moving in together as our first big step. And then taking it from there Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 Has he agreed to this living together plan? Is he still dating others if it's not "a long term exclusive relationship"? Is he married? Who does he live with now? How old is he?I am looking for a long term exclusive relationship. The plan would be us moving in together as our first big step. And then taking it from there Link to comment
Marshmallows Posted October 25, 2016 Author Share Posted October 25, 2016 He is currently trying not seeing anyone and he lives alone. He is 30 soon to be 31. And he's agreed to living together if we decide to date Link to comment
Marshmallows Posted October 25, 2016 Author Share Posted October 25, 2016 Sorry- to correct my mistake- he is not seeing anyone at the moment. He is not married. And he is not living with anyone. He lives alone and is on board with living together should we pursue this relationship Link to comment
SherrySher Posted October 26, 2016 Share Posted October 26, 2016 Only you know this whole situation but from what you wrote, it does not sound as though he's jumping for joy over any of it and has hesitated with you so much and has already told you no more than once, I would be extremely leery over any of it. If he were serious and had loved you as you seem to love him, this would have happened 5 years ago when you did something about it, not hesitate and drag his feet for this long. Link to comment
Marshmallows Posted October 26, 2016 Author Share Posted October 26, 2016 Thank you guys for helping me sort this out Link to comment
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