2 1/2 year relationship gone long distance now. Boyfriend won't reply.

[icantsay]

Hi guys,

 

I need your help here. I will try to make it as short as possible.

 

I have been in a relationship with a guy for now 2 1/2 years. We have had our rough moments (he broke up with me last year - I believe I wrote a post. We got then back together later).

 

Anyway, fast forward to today. We have now been in a long-distance relationship since August, as we have gone to separate graduate schools. The plan was to re-unite next summer.

 

Long distance has been hard for me. I often miss him. He often gets angry on the phone and dislikes that I am sad and miss him. I understand that so I try to keep my smile!

 

Thursday one week ago was his birthday. He disconnected his facebook that day to dodge any birthday wishes people would send him. I was about to post a "happy birthday," but realized this and called to ask what was going on. He got so angry that I was asking him about this, because I shouldn't be making a big deal about it. So I didn't... He barely spoke to me the rest of the day as well as the next day until I called him in the night. I asked if we were okay? Why he had been so distant. I told him it really hurts when he gets angry. He refused to talk about any of this, and said I was making a big deal out of nothing. Maybe I am? Maybe it is my fault?

I was so confused and started crying but let him go... Later that evening, I decided to call again. He didn't pick up, so I really freaked out. Lately, I've been having these awful panic attacks when he doesn't answer. It's my first time living alone and he really "fades" on me sometimes. After some time, he did try calling me back that evening, but I missed his call because someone else was calming me down...He then wrote "you're so immature. I'm going to bed." And that is the last thing I heard from him.

 

Over one week has passed. I did not try to contact him.. I thought he would contact me. Also, it just hurts too much when I call and he won't talk, so I decided to just stay silent and wait. But I am guessing he is angry that I did that... It wasn't meant as a statement - I thought he would contact me!! Then one day became two... two became a week...

Yesterday was my first time to message him again. I wrote that I was sorry for anything I had done. And that I missed and loved him. And that I hoped he would want to talk to me again. I then called... Nothing..

 

What do I do now.. Do I leave him alone? give up? Don't give up? I am so lost. Am I a bad person? I feel completely horrible. And yet I am so lost on what I should do differently.

[Butterflyxx]

I think it's best to leave him alone. He is extremely immature and you need to put yourself first.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it sounds like long distance is not working out for either of you and causing conflict . As far as his fb activity, that's his business. There are other ways to communicate.

 

It may be time to reconsider this rather than begging him for any morsel of contact. It sounds like he's trying to break up or met someone but doesn't have the maturity to say so.

 

It would be best to develop a social life where you are with fellow students, groups, activities,etc. Also free yourself to date locally and find someone who is not only interested, but treats you with respect rather than breakups and silent treatments.

We have now been in a long-distance relationship since August, as we have gone to separate graduate schools.He refused to talk about any of this, and said I was making a big deal out of nothing. It's my first time living alone and he really "fades" on me sometimes. He then wrote "you're so immature. I'm going to bed." And that is the last thing I heard from him.

[richardwright]

Icantstay

You already know what you need to know. Your name says it all. You have connected the dots, and picked up all the breadcrumbs, logically. Now you just need to convince your broken heart. When you are ready, you will let him go and learn to love yourself better.

[icantsay]

Thank you all for your replies. You are right that I need to take care of myself. Letting go, though, is hard. This is an important relationship to me and I am not sure that I can just "let go of him". Who can just do that?

I will continue to give him space. If he comes back, then we can at least try to work things out. If he doesn't, then it is time to move on. I guess I just wanted advice on whether to approach him more or not. But I think the answer is to leave him alone and focus on myself.

[Doc Blaze]

problem is you are waiting like a lost puppy and he knows this, why do you think he continues to use the distance and silence ?

 

There is a pattern and he hasn't changed or grown. to me it looks worse? why does he get so angry so quickly and over petty stuff?

 

 

From what you have written in your threads, with how you are idk why you would date someone like this.

 

 

Communication is very important especially in a LDR, he is very immature when it comes to that and like I said,

I haven't seen any change since you last posted.

[icantsay]

Doc Blaze, thanks. Yep, I am a lost puppy!

This summer, we were both on board with communication and making sure this long-distance thing would work out. I agree that communication is KEY to relationships, and I know that he knows this too.

However, this whole silent treatment has happened before (last year) where he disappeared for weeks and weeks. I just didn't think he would do it again. And here I am...

 

But, so, do I just break up with him? How can one even break up if you can't talk to them?! And what if he is just hurt and needing time? After all, it was his birthday last week. Maybe he was hurt about being alone on that day.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it sounds like you are applying too much empathy here. Have you considered that in a LDR disappearing from contact for weeks often means he's dating others? And that his gruff push-back and repeatedly leaving means he's just not as invested in this?

 

Try to stop projecting your own loneliness onto this. Start investing in your own life the new people and environment around you. You don't have to breakup. He's already done that. You can do much better than this guy if you free yourself to open your eyes and start dating locally.

However, this whole silent treatment has happened before (last year) where he disappeared for weeks and weeks. I just didn't think he would do it again.How can one even break up if you can't talk to them?!

[icantsay]

Wiseman2, I have considered that. However, he is busy with graduate school and I know how important this is to him. I doubt he would start dating while committed to that. If something, he is overwhelmed and busy. I don't think he's dating anyone. He wouldn't do that to me.

[abitbroken]

Its hard to be long distance if there is no end date. (ie, someone is going away to school for a semester and will be back, someone was transferred with their job and if they like it, maybe you will find a job out there and join them).

 

I think that you should work on yourself - focus on your anxiety and getting that under control and if he contacts you again, tell him its over. and dont answer him immediately. set your facebook to friends only instead of global so he cant read your stuff and block him by email on fb so he cant check up on you.

[icantsay]

abitbroken, yeah, I definitely need to work on my anxiety. I think it has been really tough for me to suddenly live alone. And I just moved to a new city, so it is hard to make friends. But I think I will sign up for some things to do and keep myself occupied.

[ThatwasThen]

He doesn't think much of you if he'd disappear (TWICE now) for two weeks at a time. If he cared about you, he would never do that.

 

Before you went long distance was he a good boyfriend or did he treat you with apathy and indifference like he does now? He's already broken up with you once and now that you're back together he's showing you in actions that he doesn't value you.

[DancingFool]

....You'd be a whole lot less lonely if you put more time and effort into making more friends locally and actually dating again, meeting some new guys and realizing how NICE it is to be around someone who doesn't fly off into an angry fit just because you said that you miss him, someone who doesn't call you names, someone who doesn't give you the silent treatment as punishment.....you know a normal decent guy who'd actually miss you too, who would make you laugh, care about you, take you out on nice dates and actually TALK to you like human being if he has in issue with something...... Don't you think you deserve better than this drama you are in?

[icantsay]

ThatwasThen,

 

Before long distance, which started in late August, we were doing great. We had a good summer, traveled, were closer than ever. Also, when starting the long distance, everything was fine. I even visited him a few weeks ago and we had a great weekend. But by then I could tell something was off.. Off in the sense that he was refusing to talk to me. Whenever I brought up concerns or feelings, he became overwhelmed and told me he didn't want to talk about it. I felt that I had to walk on egg shells since then.

 

The one major bad experience we have had was last year (around June/July 2015) when we had a major fight and broke up for a few months. Even after getting back together, there were several weeks where he didn't speak to me. But over time - around November 2015, everything was fine again and we had repaired what had happened. I have not experienced this issue since then.

[ThatwasThen]

This is who he is. Do you really think he can make you happy for a lifetime being who he is?

 

Maybe it's time you sat and reflected and pictured yourself being emotionally abandoned by him whenever you want to discuss issues that occur in every relationship. It's the one's that want to talk about issues and resolve them that have the best chance of keeping a relationship together and actually being happy in it.

 

Good luck. You may not see it right now but don't you think you deserve better then what he dishes out to you on more then one occasion?

 

Anyway; there's nothing left to do now but to wait for him to be decent and reply to you or simply just sent him a text that you are worth more then being ignored and neglected and the he can consider this last text (when/if you send it) you breaking up with him.

 

Last word of advice: Never waste good dating years on someone who doesn't show you consistently that they value you and being in a relationship with you.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like there have been a lot of ups and downs and breakups and the way he deals with it is to leave. It also sounds like he's got plenty of time to date where he is at school now.

 

Unfortunately it sounds like he keeps desperately trying to tell you it's not working out but you want to make things work.

He's 21 and I am 23. He can get angry easily and "disappear" for longer times if he is angry. I sat down with him and asked what was going on.He said that he felt that we were two poles going in opposite direction.

 

He got angry again and I was silent for a while. I realized that he was texting with this girl he has been tutoring at school. Earlier, we have already been arguing a bit about her, as I feel uncomfortable with him chatting with her so much and he was angry because I didn't trust him. he stormed out of the apartment and I didn't hear from him until Sunday. For the first few days, I had begged and apologized to him and wanted him back. But on Sunday, he simply texted that it was over.

[abitbroken]

abitbroken, yeah, I definitely need to work on my anxiety. I think it has been really tough for me to suddenly live alone. And I just moved to a new city, so it is hard to make friends. But I think I will sign up for some things to do and keep myself occupied.

 

I think you have stayed with him because you are afraid to be alone/are putting up with this to not be alone. Actually, when you are new in town its sometimes easier to make friends because you are open minded, not tied in to thinking you can't be friends with X person to stay in a particular clique, etc. I do agree, sign up for things. Volunteering is a good way to meet people of different ages, as well, where you can establish relationships over time with new friends. I would also look into going to counseling/support for your anxiety.

[icantsay]

Thank you guys for your responses. You are right.. It is time for me to think about moving on.