My boyfriend rambles too much? How do I nicely tell him, without hurting

[Trainonexpress]

Firstly, I absolutely love my boyfriend and we have a great communication. I care about what he has to say and so does he.

But what I noticed when he talks to other people, he rambles a lot... He sometimes goes on and on about something while he talks to others. I could notice how people feel bored or kinda annoyed by how much he talks, but he doesn't stop. I'm not sure if he notices this or not. Or if he cares.

Even when people try to interrupt him, he still goes on and on... It kind of annoys me too how clueless he can be, when it's clear that the listener wants to talk too.

Is there a way I can nicely tell him?

[dave_1966]

It just sounds like you're bored of him?

[Seraphim]

It is up to other people to say something.

[pippy longstocking]

This is your issue ...you are embarrassed by him and feel that because he is your partner you are responsible for his personality ..if he babbles on to you and you choose to tell him to shut the feck up and get to the point then fair enough ..I had an ex who went round 17 countries just to get down the street , so I would tell him when he was talking to me .. it is up to whoever he is talking to, to tell him to wind it up and get to the point .

[j.man]

Yup. This is all your being embarrassed. It's not like he lost his job because he went off on too many tangents.

 

I do understand, though. It's a pet peeve of mine as well. It's been a source of contention with more than a couple girlfriends because I really don't have the patience for badly told stories (not that I've ever used those exact words). I interpret for a living, so after a long day, I've got about 5 solid minutes of "attentive listening to **** no grown man in the world really has any interest in" time left in me. After that, unless you can dress the story up with something that humors me, you gotta be fine with me nodding and "mhm"ing. But how she talks to others quite frankly isn't my business.

[Heather Dawn]

It just sounds like you're bored of him?

 

I don't think that came across at all...

[katrina1980]

I don't think that came across at all...

 

I agree...... and congrats to Heather Dawn on becoming a new mommy!!!

[janut1]

Sounds like he might just be a bit socially awkward. I work with a guy like this. It can drive me crazy at times. He talks and talks and talks and I want to just say shut the feck up already! I try to look busy and he still talks my ear off. He is socially awkward. He doesn't know when to stop talking, he will follow you around the store and talk too. So now I just say Hey (his name) I need to focus on this so I need some quiet time and that cures it for about 1 hour.

 

You really just need to deal with it if he is doing this to you. If he ever asks you, why do people walk away from me or seem like they don't care about what Im saying, you can tell him why and maybe he will be more aware of it, but as far as other people, you really don't need to do anything about it.

[Batya33]

Almost 20 years ago, over a romantic dinner, my now husband told me in a nice way (it must have been -I would have remembered "harsh") that I was too chatty -I think he was referring mostly to with co-workers (we worked for the same company) but also generally to an extent. I don't think he meant it at all personally -he is reserved/on the shyer side so back then I don't think he thought I was too chatty with him. His input changed my life - improved my working relationships and my friendships. I really respected his input and more than that, he was right and I needed to hear it. If you think he might be receptive then present it as a sandwich - first a compliment about his personality, then the constructive criticism, then (the outside bread of the sandwich) another compliment.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you can't fix or change him. If he communicates with you ok, then let him ramble on if that's what he does. It sounds like you are unhappy with him on a few levels and feel being critical will help?

Firstly, I absolutely love my boyfriend and we have a great communication.... It kind of annoys me too how clueless he can be. Few days ago, he was over at my place and tried to initiate Sex.. but I didn't feel anything and he knew something was wrong. He asked what's wrong, but I didn't want to say. After couple of hours, I ended up telling him how I don't think I feel sexually attracted to him anymore.. and I regret it.

[Ms Darcy]

Almost 20 years ago, over a romantic dinner, my now husband told me in a nice way (it must have been -I would have remembered "harsh") that I was too chatty -I think he was referring mostly to with co-workers (we worked for the same company) but also generally to an extent. I don't think he meant it at all personally -he is reserved/on the shyer side so back then I don't think he thought I was too chatty with him. His input changed my life - improved my working relationships and my friendships. I really respected his input and more than that, he was right and I needed to hear it. If you think he might be receptive then present it as a sandwich - first a compliment about his personality, then the constructive criticism, then (the outside bread of the sandwich) another compliment.

 

I agree. Occasional thoughts that are good-hearted, well-presented, constructive criticism may actually be really appreciated. The important piece is to remember not to control. Bring it up and then let it go.

[limichelle]

I find myself to be very chatty myself! I love to talk about everything and anything. I don't do it because I'm socially awkward. I only do it with a select few I'm comfortable around.

 

Maybe that's how he expresses himself and you can't change that about him. I would hate for someone to try to change that about me. It's an outlet I have. As I'm sure it's an outlet for him.

 

 

So either you deal or you walk.

 

Lisa

[Hermes]

"Even when people try to interrupt him, he still goes on and on..."

 

And you say, OP, that he rambles a lot.

 

and

 

"I'm not sure if he notices this or not. Or if he cares".

 

 

He probably doesn't notice people's eyes glazing over either, lol.

 

They can't get to the point of what they are saying, and he still goes on and on, even when someone tries to get a word in edgeways.

 

thing is no one else is going to say anything to him. They'll simply start to avoid him.

 

So, IMO, you could diplomatically perhaps mention it to him. If he had halitosis would you not tell him?

[Pretzel]

If you've been with someone a long time and they do something that you think could be improved upon then i dont see the issue in communicating it...its awkward to bring up but i dont think its right to say 'only tell him if he is doing it with you' or 'its up to others to tell him who he talks to'. When someone is your partner, youre the closest person in a position to be able to say something, certainly not strangers or acquaintances. Couldnt you say in a light hearted manner, 'i've noticed you talk a lot when we're at events, why do you think that is? have you noticed it?' Call him out on his own behaviour... but not in a mean way, just may make it sounds as if you're making an observation and he might want to think about how he comes across next time.

[Hermes]

Thing is, it is not about talking a lot, but rather the rambling and inability to centre on the conversation, which to me anyway shows an inability to concentrate or not even wishing to concentrate.

 

I agree Pretzel. The OP could mention it to him, as lightly as possible.

[Wiseman2]

I disagree. "calling people out on" every mere annoyance she has is nagging and changing him. This behavior is benign and does not need to be controlled by her, if his audience is bored they will pardon themselves from the conversation.

 

It's not her job to determine what is boring to others or not. Mature gracious people are tolerant of others and pick their battles wisely they do not run around being conversation Nazis.

'i've noticed you talk a lot when we're at events, why do you think that is? have you noticed it?' Call him out on his own behaviour..

[Hermes]

Well, of course we are tolerant of others!!

 

But someone rambling on and on about nothing and without ever getting to the point would drive me crazy.

 

We have an acquaintance who does something like that, except he goes the "sermony" route. He goes on and on and on......and on. People, include me, quickly cross to the other side of the street when we see him coming..

He must surely notice that he drives people crazy. Then again maybe not.

[Batya33]

I find myself to be very chatty myself! I love to talk about everything and anything. I don't do it because I'm socially awkward. I only do it with a select few I'm comfortable around.

 

Maybe that's how he expresses himself and you can't change that about him. I would hate for someone to try to change that about me. It's an outlet I have. As I'm sure it's an outlet for him.

 

 

So either you deal or you walk.

 

Lisa

 

If the select few don't seem to avoid you/have a problem with you enjoying your outlet when they are around, then it's all good. In the OP's case, he seems oblivious to how he is annoying people and my sense is that they probably feel obligated to be around him because she is there (although that is speculation). Being chatty is a way of expressing oneself and it is within the person's control to change that if the person desires. I think when I was doing it I probably brought up the general topic with my then boyfriend, who then provided the invaluable and life changing input. I think it's a fine line between giving unsolicited and unwelcome advice and giving advice to someone who might not know they are offending people and might not want to be offending people.

 

The other day my 7 year old was overbearing to a new playmate. The new friend walked away. I did not intervene because I wanted him to experience that kind of reaction and learn from it. When my son was disappointed at the outcome I explained to him gently that the boy probably felt uncomfortable because my son was being too controlling about how to play the game he suggested. So if the OP has the opportunity to say something close in time to the situation that would be good too (although it will be more subtle because her boyfriend doesn't seem to notice the reaction he is triggering).

[Hermes]

"It kind of annoys me too how clueless he can be, when it's clear that the listener wants to talk too.

Is there a way I can nicely tell him?"

 

Yes, you can broach the subject nicely, OP.

 

Or, , or, you could maybe leave a book lying around on "the art of conversation".....

[Heather Dawn]

I agree...... and congrats to Heather Dawn on becoming a new mommy!!!

 

Aww, thank you!! ❤️❤️

[abitbroken]

If he is talking to someone you know - the boyfriend of your best friend, etc, and you know their cues when they look like they are squirming, then go rescue them. Ask a question that turns the conversation slightly in another direction. Don't do it in a way where your boyfriend feels shut down, though. My ex used to shut me down and say "yeah, yeah we've all heard that before" even when the other person wanted me to tell them more. So rescue your friends and maybe say "oh, honey, I remember you telling us that story at Meg's house."

 

He could be rambling on because he doesn't know how to finish the conversation gracefully or is nervous because the other person is not talking as well.

[Wiseman2]

Excellent point. Agree it's rude and hurtful and controlling to "correct" him on this. If the listeners are bored they are adults and will excuse themselves, change the subject, etc.

Don't do it in a way where your boyfriend feels shut down, though. My ex used to shut me down and say "yeah, yeah we've all heard that before" even when the other person wanted me to tell them more.

[Hermes]

Or cross the street if they are quick enough to see him coming.......