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Am I overthinking this? Or are my doubts legit?


Ivegonemad

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I met a guy online about 2 weeks ago. He had just moved to my town from out of state after being separated from his wife for almost a year, still working on finalizing things. We started chatting an immediately hit it off. I felt a real connection with him, so for once I actually obliged when he suggested we meet up for a date. We planned to go to a small local bar to have some beers. We got there and the bar was closed for some reason. Instead we opted to go buy a 6 pack and chill at his place and watch the game. We talked and drank a bit, and we really seemed to connect. He was a complete gentleman, but I was a little tipsy and I advanced things. He genuinely tried to keep things from going to far, but I really wanted him, and we slept together. (I know. Judge judge, whatever) I spent the night and expected I wouldn't hear from him again, and so it surprised me when he texted me later that day. We talked all day, and by the end of the evening I found myself there again, we cuddled and watched tv together, hooked up a bit again and fell asleep in each other's arms. We made plans to spend an upcoming weekend together, to cook and watch football and just stay in together. I left that day confused as hell but also really happy. I went out of town that weekend for a wedding. He went out with friends but didn't stay out late, and texted me all night long. When I came back home we couldn't wait to see each other, and we kissed when I walked in the door like you see in the movies lol.

 

He's stayed in touch everyday since. I saw him two nights ago, I was on my period, but he made a point to let me know that he still wanted to hang out, even if we couldn't have sex. We got pizza, drank some wine, spent the night listening to music and looking at pictures of our friends and family. We ended up having somewhat of a drunken "talk" and he told me he really likes being around me, isn't seeing anyone else, but also isn't trying to rush into something super serious. I agreed. I stayed at his place and he came home on his lunch to see me.

 

I feel so comfortable around this guy, and the physical attraction between us is INSANE, not to mention we have a lot in common and he can make me laugh. I also respect him, which is rare for me with guys. But more recently he hasn't been as talkative when we text, and I kind of wanted to see him last night but he was exhausted from the night before and just wanted to sleep. So that tiny rejection sent me straight into overthinking mode. I'm just wondering if maybe I'm reading too much into everything, or maybe he's just telling me what I want to hear. It feels like I'm really falling for this guy and I'm terrified of getting hurt. I ended our conversation earlier, but told him I would text him later. Now I almost feel like I should leave him alone. I'm at a loss. I forgot how complicated this whole dating thing is. Please help!

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I think he likes you but he's scared of it. Slow down, don't spend the night, and hangout less. If he feels like you're cornering him in to a relationship, he will likely bolt. Remember, he's really rather freshly SEPARATED - NOT divorced - so his emotions are likely very jumbled.

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There's no "right" way to handle relationship anxiety. I think everyone handles it differently. Yes, you're probably overthinking it. There's no way to read his mind. There's no way to completely shut out the relationship insecurities that tend to rear their ugly heads when we are at our happiest (especially in the beginning). The best thing to do, in my opinion, is not to dwell on it. Enjoy the relationship that you have, it sounds like you both have a lot of fun together. Take your time with it. If something bothers you then talk to him about it. Are you guys exclusively seeing each other? Does he want a serious relationship? What is he looking for in this relationship with you? Wishing you the best of luck!

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Start fast, end fast.

 

Enjoy what you have. Let it be valuable on its own without necessarily leading to something else.

 

If it is leading somewhere, you will know when you get there.

 

Yep this.

 

Dating shouldn't be complicated, it's only when we rush into things and fall in head first without deliberation that it can become "complicated".

 

A couple of things from your post:

 

- He's separated not divorced, which means he's nowhere near ready for a new relationship. He might be happy for some companionship but not ready for relationship, and he said as much when he said he doesn't want to "rush into" anything serious.

 

- You slept with him on a first date and started hanging out at his place frequently, basically behaving like a couple straight away (Insta relationship) without getting to know him first and get to know what he's actually looking for and whether he's compatible with you and all the other aspects that you get to know about someone as part of dating. You rushed into it and let yourself become emotionally invested without first building a foundation for a relationship, that's what leads to all this anxiety, because everything is built on thin air and there is a lot of uncertainty, and deep down you know he doesn't want anything serious and you do, so the mismatch is making you anxious.

 

I think it will unfold as it should and there's no point worrying about it. Be prepared that it's very likely that it won't work out, because he's not ready for a serious relationship right now and won't be for quite some time being soon-to-be fresh out of a divorce.

 

It's a valuable lesson to learn about your dating approach, be clear to yourself what you're looking for, what you should be doing and not doing during early dating, so that you're not just "falling into" something that's not what you're looking for to begin with.

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You were on different ends of a continuum in terms of speed. He moved forward and joined your speed and then clarified what he was ready for. Then he moved back a little bit. So he isn't exactly where he began (he is a bit closer than that) but he isn't exactly where you are standing. If you can accept where he is, enjoy your time and see what happens. If you want him to be exactly where you are, he is not. If you try to bring him to where you are, he may feel the urge to go back or join you not to lose you - but he may also resent this. Maybe you see this as rejection and want to dismiss. Your choice. Standing where you are/were originally will give you the opportunity to observe and see if there is a pattern.

 

In my experience, when some people get out of serious monogamous relationships, they may want to enjoy their new freedom a bit and may not be so ready to commit very quickly. Probably they have been out of the dating pool for a while and this may be a new phase of discovery where they are trying to see what may be awaiting them. Not everyone may be emotionally ready or willing to jump into the serial monogamy wagon very quickly.

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It sounds like there's tons of chemistry and he's being honest with you that he needs some room to breathe and isn't looking for a serious relationship at this time. Pull back and let him come up for air and then wait until he reaches out again.

he told me he really likes being around me, isn't seeing anyone else, but also isn't trying to rush into something super serious.
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Thank you all for your thoughtful responses. I'm anxiety ridden with normal life too lol. I feel like this is why we click, he's got OCD. It's not the same but the two go hand in hand a bit. I know I overthink things. I've told him that. I am well aware that I fall fast and hard, but there's not much I've been able to do to ever alleviate that. I've been trying so hard to keep a level head, and to give him space. We bonded super fast, so I really just want to see him happy, even if it's not with me... he's been through so much and it sounds like he's been treated so ty. So I think he wants space, so I'm trying to stay at an arms length, back off, and avoid being super clingy. But this is where the confusion sets in. For example, tonight he texted me when he got home from work as he always does, then said he was going out with friends. We chatted for a few minutes and then I told him that I'd be around if he felt like talking, but he should go enjoy his time wth his buddies, and to text me when he was home safe. He's continued to text me all night long. It's hard not to read into things like that. I mean, when I go out with my friends I hate being on my phone, I wanna have fun with them. My heart and my head say "shut up, he likes you. Be cool, be patient, don't it up". But my anxiety just kills me mentally. Wish I could just turn it off!!

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