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Moving on or letting go?

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Hey everyone! So I am currently a college student who is going through probably the toughest breakup ever! I met my ex bf when he was a junior and I was simply a freshman. I was living the dream and he makes me super happy. Sure we had our bumps and downs over the first couple of months, we just argued over stupid things like who would take out the trash or who would do laundry. I ended my first year and was placed on Academic probation and was in jeopardy of getting kicked out of my college because we both were so self absorbed in our relationship and I slacked on school. I was scared but my ex believed in me getting readmitted and I did!


Over the summer I worked at a camp and he worked in the college we went to. It was a good 5 hours apart and needless to say it was one hell of a summer. I'm not going to lie I did take him for granted this past summer. Before I left to work at the camp I told my ex that I needed time to think about whether or not I wanted to start my sophomore year being in a relationship with him.. I told him I wanted a break and at first he was cool with it and later down the line he wasn't. I asked for a break the entire summer and he said he didn't want to be waiting on me the whole summer only to be turned down or get the hopes that we will be together when we wouldn't be. I agreed and told him that we should just break up and we did.


It still didn’t feel like a total break up but rather just us taking time apart because we would always text and he would always tell me how much he regretted not appreciating me and how he often took me for granted but tbh my concentration was else where as i met another more attractive guy who happened to be a marine. He came to visit me at my camp job on my day off and we went to the movies.. one thing lead to another and we booked a room and had sex that lasted about 5 min and I felt so dirty and guilty afterwards


. My ex knew that I was talking to this other guy and had asked me numerous times if I was interested in pursuing something more than a friendship and I denied it. I called him right after everything happened and he started crying because he could hear in my voice that something was wrong and at the moment I couldn't bear to tell him that I had cheated so I lied and said nothing was wrong. The next few days were okay but then we stopped communicating and since my job prevented me from being on my phone so much i didn't realize we hadn't spoken for almost 5 days since the call and decided to reach out.


When I reached out I asked if everything was okay and he said no everything is not okay you keep lying to me and your insulting my intelligence. I knew he knew and I wanted to know how he found out. He ended up hacking my snapchat and saw the conversations I had with one of my friends and how I basically told her everything that had happened with the marine guy. He was so hurt and I felt like the most disgusting human being for lying to him and I told him that I didn't deserve him and that we should just end everything and I just kept pushing him away ... and you know what hurts me the most? It's that through all of that he just wanted me to let him in and kept saying that everything was going to be okay and that we could get through this together


. I agreed that I didn't want to miss out on someone special like him because I love him so much and didn't want to mess up again. We met up on a weekend and it was just like old times! And then I ruined it.... again. Idk what I was thinking but I came up with this absurd lie that the whole cheating problem was a prank and it never happened. I held on to that lie for dear life and he didn't believe my bs ofc. He was mad at me for still trying to lie to him and said why would I say something like this when we were already on the path to rebuilding. I even had the audacity of telling his best friend the lie and asking him for advice and swore on my grandmothers death. I look back at it now and I regret it every single day.


A week before my camp job ended I realized that we hadn't talked for almost 2 weeks so I reached out to him and told him that I thought it was better if we broke up because it's as if we are practically broken up already since we don't talk and this time he didn't fight me or my decision he simply said &I quote “;I agree , is there anything else you would like to talk about? And I politely said no that was all and we wished each other a good end of the summer. I considered transferring schools and backed out when I had to do the paperwork


. When we got back on campus the second week he reached out to me saying he was hoping I had reach out to him as soon as I had got to campus but since I didn't he decided to reach out and honestly it was a genuine conversation. We drank coffee and talked about how our summer ended and how we shouldn't make things awkward because it is a small campus and we are going to bump into each other. After this convo I told him I wanted to pick up my things he had in his room and we walked back to his dorm room where we proceeded to make out and have sex. It felt so good and we both said how much we missed each other and loved each other.


Now we broke up in August and made almost 9 months and it's now October. We had the occasional hook up every other week and we kept in touch up until this Columbus break. He basically told me that he wanted to make sure we weren't leading each other on and creating false hopes because the future is uncertain and We both also agreed that we wouldn’t be hooking up anymore and we had sex right after our conversation about not hooking up anymore lol! But it was a bittersweet intimate moment as he said it would be the last time. I began to cry and explain that I missed him a lot and that I loved him so much and that I am miserable without him


. He whispered in my ear and said everything was going to be alright and that he loved me to the moon and back always. The next day I asked him what am I suppose to do? Move on and let go of us or wait for him and continue to cry myself to sleep every night regretting what I did. He asked me if moving on was what I wanted? And I said that's the least thing I wanted ... all i knew was that I loved him more than he can imagine and he said I feel the same way. He said he didn't know the answer because he himself was trying to figure things out just like me but he told me he loved me with all his heart.


I know I sound like a monster but I am not , my ex had me going through a lot my freshman year and most of the arguments were caused because he tired to control who I associated with and would get jealous very easily. Was very aware of my ex having serious trust issues and I screwed him over and I have never been so hurt. I forgot to mention that after we broke up we agreed to being friends because we want to keep each other in our lives and he always checks up on me ... always wants to know what I'm up too and said he wasn't going to give up on me. I'm so confused I feel like I'm getting so many mixed signals.


He is a senior and has one more semester before he graduates and is considering grad school at our same college. He will be pledging a cultural frat next semester and part of their process is to sorta fall of the face of the earth for an entire semester and just basically getting off social media and texting before you officially become a brother and I'm afraid we won't really talk as much after this semester so I'm not sure how the whole friend ship thing is going to go next semester?. The last time we had a decent conversation was about 2 weeks ago but lately I decided to seek professional help,


I'm not sure what to do! I find myself constantly wanting to know what he is up too and I bumped into him 2 days ago with his “ potential brothers” who will be pledging with him and he was laughing and we didn't say hi to each other at all. I just want advice .. is it time for me to let go or just wait? Because he confuses me and tells me he doesn't want to let this go but when we see each other in person we are completely strangers and everyone knows we use to go out so it makes it 10x awkward

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It sounds to me like you are in a weird limbo state with this relationship/FWB situation. It doesn't seem to be going anywhere, does it? I think it's just a matter of time before this whole thing goes south. You can wait around until he leaves after graduation, but it might be best to let go sooner so you can begin healing and moving on.


I'm sorry for all the ups and downs you've been going through. On again/off again unstable relationships are the worst. Therapy is an excellent idea. It will help you learn from the mistakes you've made.

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