Dealing with jealousy, when your SO is friends with their ex

[cbzfmoc]

I've been with my boyfriend for over a year now. We are happy, we do not fight, he is good to me, and we love each other.

 

The one thing that bothers me at times is his last ex, they were dating for about a year. He and I started dating about 6 months after they broke up, and my understanding of why they broke up is that although he thought she was a cool and very nice person, he wasn't that into her romantically. I think he was her first love and she was SUPER into him. Sometimes I get uncomfortable because they are still friends. I've brought that up with him a few times and he is understanding of my feelings and says things like, "I don't want you to feel uncomfortable. I love YOU. I don't want to be with ___." He doesn't hang out with her, as we spent most evenings and weekends together, but sometimes when I see his phone/computer when he's texting people, I see that they have sent messages, so it seems like they text most days of the week.

 

Sometimes when I feel insecure I do some online stalking... it is not something that I am proud of and I try to resist the feeling but sometimes when I'm stressed I give in... Anyway, I have known for a while (through FB) that she and him work at the same company. In fact, it seems that he helped her get a job there shortly after he and I started dating. He is an engineer and she is some sort of coordinator/recruiter. He does not talk about his friendship with her with me at all, though I have no reason not to trust him. This also might be because in the past when he's brought up her name a couple of times, I have told him it makes me feel uncomfortable when he brings her up, and he does not mention her anymore.

 

I have reason to believe that she may still be in love with him. I googled her name recently and a short story/poem came up that was written by her and published in a major magazine in June of THIS year, and it was obviously about the beginning of their relationship and how great their first kisses were (interestingly, she even admitted in that short story that she was more into him than he was into her). I don't know if my bf is even aware of this short story, and I don't want to bring it up with him b/c I'm ashamed of being such a creeper.

 

I just wanted to vent I guess. My boyfriend is really good to me and I see a future with him. Maybe this post was insecure, but I know I am a catch - I am smart, successful, beautiful, kind, and a great partner - and I know he sees this and always tell me that I am the best. I understand that he is a nice person and wants to be nice to the people who have been in his life, and I really don't think he is doing anything wrong (I mean emotional or physical cheating) but I just really wish that he could cut ties with this girl, though I know it is totally not my place to tell him to not talk to her or hang out with her. I love him and care about him so much, but his friendship with this girl makes me feel insecure and like I'm going to get my heart broken.

 

I don't know if this makes any difference, but personally, my "ex policy" is to cut all ties. I do not befriend any of my exes. I think it just leads to problems even if it is well-intentioned.

[jennylove]

I've learned that when something is bothering me, it's best to pay attention to it and not brush it under the rug. You keep saying you don't mean to be insecure, as if your feeling/emotions are the problem. Nope. Listen to your body here, if something doesn't feel right, it's probably because it isn't right. I've had 2 exes that were friends with their most recent ex. With one of them, it didn't bother me at all. But the other one, it made me very uncomfortable. Guess which one ended up getting back with the ex? Yep, the one I was uncomfortable with.

[cbzfmoc]

I know he loves me and I do not fear him having feelings for her. It's just their friendship that bothers me. I feel like she is still in love w/ him and my boyfriend doesn't see that somehow.

[jennylove]

If you feel she still loves him, she probably does. Hopefully he's made it clear that he has a gf and that he's serious about you. Hopefully she isn't texting him any "I miss you" type of texts, etc. I would ask him what she texts to him, better yet, see if he'll let you read them if they are saved. If he says no, well, obviously something isn't right.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like you've got this under control. Agree with him that if he has zero attraction to her there is no threat whatsoever to your relationship. Perhaps restate your feelings on being friends with exes and boundaries.

I've brought that up with him a few times and he is understanding of my feelings and says things like, "I don't want you to feel uncomfortable. I love YOU. I don't want to be with ___." He doesn't hang out with her I really don't think he is doing anything wrong.

[jennylove]

It sounds like you've got this under control. Agree with him that if he has zero attraction to her there is no threat whatsoever to your relationship. Perhaps restate your feelings on being friends with exes and boundaries.

 

Anyone can say they have zero interest in an ex. People can say anything. Actions speak louder. He's texting her weekly. That's not cool.

[RainyCoast]

friendship. i'm not buying it.

 

she infatuatedly admires him. he likes it. he hooked her up for a job at his workplace. they text daily. that's a lot of effort to keep someone within reach. i don't text my best friends daily, and my support and encouragement aside, i don't get them jobs on a platter, especially not at my place of work. i don't think most people would bother that much with an ex.

 

he likes the massive ego stroke. when there's tension between you two, expect emotional cheating.

[zeino]

Is she a friend of him and a friend of your relationship, too - even if you two may have never met? Or is she a friend of him but not a friend of your relationship? I believe when one part of the couple is uncomfortable with a "friend" it is often because this "friend" has exhibited no friendship to the relationship and neither has the "friend" in the relationship (i.e. your boyfriend) has done this. So I think you are entitled to your discomfort until this person becomes a friend of this relationship (or your boyfriend convinces you somehow that she is) or disappears.

 

Unfortunately, if you pursue this a lot, you run the risk of becoming the persecutor in Karpman's triangle (pleae check that one out.) And this friend starts representing relief (rescuer) to your boyfriend (who will be the victim in his perception). YOu can read about how to move outside the triangle to meet in the middle, representing more relief to your boyfriend etc so he moves closer to you and open up more to you (in this triangle). This is usually achieved not by pursuing this role or the topic, but strengthening your relationship in other areas, activities, emotional satisfactions etc where she cannot interfere.

 

Owning your rather valid and understandable worries is not insecurity. Indeed, it is more insecure to deny your intuition, understanding, feelings etc because the society conditions women to think that they are insecure, jealous, blah blah when we voice these things. We don't have a cognitive or intellectual problem with understanding what is friendship and what is not, do we? We were not raised on Mars.

 

If your boyfriend wants to keep his friends (in this instance, unfortunately an ex) to himself, then that says a lot. If this is his "private life" in his eyes, then I'd say there is something incompatible here. You may need to discuss your values and boundaries together. But yes, moving outside the triangle is more important than this at the moment.

 

Please don't share with him the article, not because it would make you a creep or anything but because you and your boyfriend are not exactly at a comfortable level of friendship as a couple with shared and agreed boundaries. So you would be doing some woman's work basically and become even more of a persecutor.

[Wiseman2]

Great post, interesting concept.

 

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[Sara2017]

You are correct...........all ties should be cut with ex's. Tell him you are going out to dinner with one of your ex's and see how he responds........and do it a few times just to make sure he knows that your ex will be in your life from now on. If he doesn't like it, tell him that is how you feel about his ex. If he loves you, it should not be a problem at all to cut his ex out of his life.

[LadyAbbey31]

You are correct...........all ties should be cut with ex's. Tell him you are going out to dinner with one of your ex's and see how he responds........and do it a few times just to make sure he knows that your ex will be in your life from now on. If he doesn't like it, tell him that is how you feel about his ex. If he loves you, it should not be a problem at all to cut his ex out of his life.

 

I completely disagree....that's manipulation and immature game playing.

[ParisPaulette]

^^^ I think the above post was sarcasm and trying to get the OP to realize her boyfriend would likely not be cool with her heavy involvement in an ex the same way he is involved in his ex's life.

 

OP I've been in two different relationships where my partner was "friends" with an ex. The first one was a guy who was in daily contact with his "friend ex" as he claimed, they even went out, he made it a point never to introduce me, and the several times I tried to arrange a meetup with all of us she or he would refuse it. There was always some "reason" we couldn't all just meet. At first I suspected she was jealous, over time though I came to realize he was the one who wasn't letting go. And he was making very sure we never met each other, but still I kept thinking I was the one with the problem.

 

And then one day I happened to be out and about and caught them making out in his car. She didn't even know he was dating me, which we both found out after I yanked open his car door to yell at him and she wanted to know who I was. So yeah, that relationship went buh-bye even though he sniveled and whined about how they really were just friends, just got caught up in a moment, and wouldn't I please give him another chance?

 

I never gave him another chance. Lying snake. I felt bad for her, she was more gutted than I was by the deception. We actually had a lovely cryfest over it the next day when she showed up at my place to talk, because she had never meant to be the other woman.

 

Then there's my current husband. He is close friends with both an ex and her husband, primarily because they are artists who work in the same medium and it's a fairly rare and small community of artists who do what they do. My husband made it a point, when we were getting serious, to arrange to have dinner a their house. I met KB and Jake (not their real names) and it was instant friendship. They were both warm, welcoming, funny. I got zero jealousy or any "I hate you for being with my ex" vibes from her at all. My husband also does not text KB or any of his friends daily for that matter, heck he doesn't even text me daily and I'm the wife. He will talk about KB openly, when they go do an art show somewhere the convo goes like this, "KB is riding up with me to the gallery at 3:00 a.m. because the mad owner of the gallery wants the show to start at 9:00 a.m., the (expletive). Can you give Jake a ride or do you want to go with us at that insane hour and can you get someone else to feed the horses etc.?"

 

The difference is my husband tells me without any more thought or effort than if he were mentioning he was picking up a loaf of bread at the store. And KB now will call me actually more often, because according to her, "You're more fun than your hubby, Paris. Sorry, no offense, but he doesn't wanna hear about my female issues and I need a woman to talk to about it."

 

And that's the difference. My husband shares his friends including her openly with me, I've met her, I can see there's no attraction there outside of a brotherly and sisterly affection. In return I've done the same for my husband with my male friends. Nine times out of ten now when they come over they'll all hang out and I might even be the odd one out.

 

That's the difference. In the first case, the guy kept his ex "friend" away from me and was overly invested in contacting her all the time--not good. In this second case my husband made sure early on to share his ex friend and I can see for myself she actually is a great friend to both of us and I don't blame him a bit for staying friends with her.

 

So maybe it's time to tell him you know he's in contact with her daily, you know he got her a job after they'd broken up, but he hasn't bothered to even introduce you both and it's been a year. So ask him if she can come over for dinner, so you can get to know her. And if he hems and haws and is full of excuses, if she comes over and is rude and cold to you then you have your answer that yes, they are NOT as done as he's been telling you. And if she comes over and is open and warm and friendly, then it's likely just fine.

 

For this reason I think meeting each others friends, both male and female, is a vital step in knowing if your partner is someone you even want to keep. And then you take it from there based on what you find.

[Mari]

I know he loves me and I do not fear him having feelings for her. It's just their friendship that bothers me. I feel like she is still in love w/ him and my boyfriend doesn't see that somehow.

 

I don't think his ex is a problem because he would need to have romantic interest in her. She doesn't hang out with him, and just texts while he romantically pursues you. If he's not hanging out with her then she's even less of a friend than a guy.

 

Sure she may have feelings and hopes that he comes back to her but as time goes on she'll realize he's not coming back. And even if he wasn't with you, there's a pretty good chance he'd look for someone else that he had romantic interest in before going back to her.

[cbzfmoc]

I talked to him about it. He told me that he thought that he had already told me they worked together (I didn't even bring it up- I just asked him why they text so much and he replied, "You know we work together, right?"). He also told me that although they are friends, he doesn't usually stay friends with exes - he always saw her more as a friend than a romantic partner - "we probably shouldn't have even dated." He didn't offer to show me his texts with her but said in regard to the texts, "there is nothing cute. we just talk about music, send pictures of food, etc." I told him I didn't want this to be a secret friendship, and he said it wasn't, and agreed that he should be more open about the things he and her talk about.

[Mari]

I talked to him about it. He told me that he thought that he had already told me they worked together (I didn't even bring it up- I just asked him why they text so much and he replied, "You know we work together, right?"). He also told me that although they are friends, he doesn't usually stay friends with exes - he always saw her more as a friend than a romantic partner - "we probably shouldn't have even dated." He didn't offer to show me his texts with her but said in regard to the texts, "there is nothing cute. we just talk about music, send pictures of food, etc." I told him I didn't want this to be a secret friendship, and he said it wasn't, and agreed that he should be more open about the things he and her talk about.

 

Well that's great news Sounds like you can invite this friend over for dinner or something. If they still have feelings for each other you'll see it when they're around each other. My guess is that what you'll see is she's still into him but he's not into her. Still, great progress, thanks for writing in.